


All The Days

by ByElleJayce



Category: AUSTEN Jane - Works, Taylor Swift (Musician), Theo James - Fandom
Genre: Actors, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Murder, Courage, Dark Past, Drama & Romance, F/M, Inspired by Music, Inspired by Taylor Swift, Mentions of Taylor Swift, Musicians, Past Violence, References to Jane Austen, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, True Love, Welsh Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:14:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 102,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByElleJayce/pseuds/ByElleJayce
Summary: Be brave, be honest, make all the days count.That's the Motto Lara Quinn is trying to live by - sometimes it's the only thing keeping her going.Well that, and giving every day their own theme tune. (Usually something by Taylor Swift.)Having a soundtrack to your life is perfectly normal though... right?After surviving a traumatic attack on a day that changes her life, Lara finds herself questioning what she wants, who she wants, and even who she is.How can you go back to being 'yourself' when you don't always know, or like, who that is?Meanwhile, everyone thinks that they know exactly who the Hollywood actor, Theo Taylor is.His mistakes are no secret.Can anyone ever go back, or get away from their past?For images and inspiration behind the story see my Instagram, FB or Twitter @ByElleJayce
Comments: 275
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

#    
  


It is a truth universally acknowledged that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away…

They were the beginnings to some of the greatest stories ever told. Unfortunately, I would never be a Jane Austen, weaver of fairytales or George Lucas. So, I took the advice of Julie Andrews in the good ol’ Sound of Music and simply started mine at the very beginning - it was a very good place to start:

# Day 330 - Wednesday

Everyone was already tucked away safely inside their dry and warm homes, leaving the steep winding streets of my sleepy little Welsh town silent and still. I sat outside an old school hall which hosted the DAYS support group meetings - sheltering in my car - looking up at the blackened sky, trying to think of the best way to describe the current weather. 

Did you know there are over one hundred words in the English and Welsh languages that can be used to describe rain? That's not including slang or local sayings. We sure do love to talk about the weather. The phrase ‘bucketing it down’ came to mind. I could almost hear the heavy droplets laughing, waiting to get me. They struck the roof of my car with deafening thunder and poured down the windscreen, making the translucent blue eyes of my reflection cry a thousand tiny waterfalls.

With a shiver, I zipped my coat right to my chin and made a dash for it across a few feet of pavement, towards a yellow, sun-shaped sign that marked the school's entrance. A few feet was enough for me to get soaked. _Yup_ , I thought, _definitely bucketing it down._

Bright faces, colourful posters and the happy hum of conversations welcomed me when I walked through a small corridor and into the main hall. Most of the group's regular attendees were already seated in a circle of creaky chairs. Some looked up to greet me with a wave or nod, amused by my soggy appearance. I just about had time to shake the mud off my clumpy work boots before Andrew - one of the group leaders - began speaking. I sat down, letting the scent of freshly baked cakes and sweet beeswax polish warm me from the inside out.

As the room quietened, he introduced some new visitors by his side, hovering on their chairs, ready to flee. Fog from their anxiety and nerves spread over the room. In an attempt to ease their shyness, everyone smiled warmly. We understood all too well the kind of terrors that had brought them here.

“So Lara, how's things with you this week?” Andrew, and the group, we're all looking at me.

I gripped the hem of my jumper and replied, a little too enthusiastically, “Oh, fine thanks. All good. You know, same old.” I gave almost the same answer every week.

Knowing me well enough not to press for any more information, Andrew thanked me, his smile never slipping, and moved onto the next person. Sometimes I wondered why I still bothered coming. Where else would I go? There were no barriers here. If I was happy, I could be happy. If I was miserable and didn't want to talk, I didn't have to talk. If I was angry, that was fine too. No one would wonder why, question me, or try and tell me not to be.

The group founder, Jenny, gave me a wink and handed over a piece of her famous chocolate cake after the meeting. Her infections, childlike energy was so opposite to her appearance. Apart from her tradition of brightly painted nails - sparkly red today - she still dressed like a prim and proper teacher from a country boarding school; her job until retirement.

“You alright love?”

I idly pushed cake around my plate, answering with a sigh, a shrug and then, “Yeah. Long day. We’ve finally finished an overdue building project, Daniel’s been on the phone to me all the time.”

“Ah. Him.” She took a bite of cake and rolled her eyes.

Daniel was my boss. Technically now my business partner. He still acted like the boss though. Probably always would. I remember the day we met - I was 18, taken on as an apprentice after finishing my design and architecture courses. Those first few months his presence made my cheeks flush and his deep blue stares clammed up my throat every time we were alone. Our relationship had changed since more times than I could remember. Things were different. I’d grown up.

Hopefully.

“Men like him are hard to deal with at the best of times,” Jenny smirked. “But with your connection… maybe it's time to think about being your own boss.” 

It wasn't the first time the idea crossed my mind. I had enough experience. But I couldn’t leave. Not after everything Daniel had done for me. 

Jenny read my mind, the way she always did. “You don't owe him anything Lara.”

“Maybe one day.” I changed the subject, “So what’re the plans for the new fundraising?” After joining the group almost a year ago, I'd often helped Jenny out with paperwork and events. It was the least I could do.

“A few have suggested the idea of overcoming a fear.” She finished off her cake and moved onto twisting silver curls of her hair around long fingers. “But not the crazy things people do like bungee jumping or skydiving. We want this to be about the ordinary little things that suddenly become scary. I believe Stuart is going to learn to drive again.”

Stuart had been around longer than me, he joined after being attacked and robbed while sitting in his car at traffic lights. It left him with a burn across his right cheek and neck, all for an iPhone. He hadn't driven since.

“Wow good for him!” I looked over to Stuart.

“How about you love? Any ideas?”

“What about my own version of 50 First Dates.” 

“That's a brilliant idea.”

“What?” I choked, turning back to Jenny. “No, I was joking…”

“Were you now?” She raised an eyebrow, wrinkling up her forehead. My laugh faded. I gulped down more cake to avoid answering. “Funny how that's the first thing that popped into your head. Tell me love, when was the last time you went out on a date? Pretty girl like you should be off being wined and dined every weekend.”

I had been out with one guy. A set up by my friends and to be fair, he was nice. Until I had a meltdown, fainted, and told him my history. Apparently he 'couldn't deal with it.' Must be nice to have a choice.Besides, I didn't need another person trying to protect me. I definitely didn't need anyone else to feel sorry for me. 

“Wine and dine type gentlemen are hard to find these days Jen.” 

Jenny grinned. “True true my love. Anyhow, I can think of a few guys who would be up for a date…” A glint lit her grey eyes. “Sponsored. Purely for fundraising purposes of course.”

“Oh, of course.”

“You'll never know if you don't look.” 

I knew exactly what she was going to say next so we chanted it together: 

“Be brave, be honest. Make all the days count.”

That was the mantra she repeated at every meeting. It inspired the name for the charity and became a sort of light-hearted motto of the group. Simple enough to remember even when in the grips of a panic attack, cheesy enough to bring back a smile. 

It kept me going.

_Lara's Music_

_Playlists:_

_Chillout & Indie_   
_Dance Partaaaay!_   
_MEMORIES_   
_Piano (songs to learn)_   
_TayTay Swiftie_   
_Rock ON!_


	2. Chapter 2

# DAY 332 - Friday Morning 

To avoid the chill coming from the wooden floor against my bare feet, I hopped from one foot to the other while reading a note left on the fridge from my housemate:

“Gone for a run to mum's house to spend the day with her… yay.

Be back for tea. Chinese?

x Luv ya x Liv.

Olivia was my best friend, I considered her family. And, as of a few months ago, she worked as my receptionist and PA. Basically, she was my right hand. I giggled at the scribbled smiley face at the bottom of her note, flicked on the coffee machine along with my dance party playlist then went to find my slippers.

My house was a traditional two-bed terrace, built with local stone. Snug in size, so I kept the interior simple with a neutral colour scheme of whites and greys, warmed up by lots of wood, plants and natural textures. I sang out loud while faffing around for a few hours. Dusting, plumping up the linen cushions on my sofas and rearranging ornaments. Being alone in the house had gotten easier as time passed. The nightmares that used to wake me every night were calmer - or I’d just grown used to them - and I no longer jumped out of my skin at every little noise. 

By mid-morning, the rumbles coming from my stomach grew too loud to ignore. Opening the kitchen cupboards revealed a box of cereal, but no milk. With a groan, I headed back upstairs for a shower and changed to go to the supermarket. A job I always put off. It was a place I couldn't cope with, especially when already tired out after a long week. At least the sun was shining. I wore something summery for courage; a long golden yellow skirt. I doubted it would be warm though - this was Wales - so I teamed it with a jumper, trusty leather jacket and pumps.

My shaking fingers hesitated over the handle of the front door. Maybe soya milk wouldn't be that bad… No, it was just a shop, I'd be fine. If I got there before lunch it wouldn't be too busy.

  
  


The car park was almost full. _Typical._ Crowds unnerved me, the way they moved and changed without warning like an unpredictable living creature I couldn't control. They never used to bother me, I couldn't understand why they did now. Surely I should feel safer in a busy public place than somewhere quiet?

Nipping in and out of the isles, I grabbed some essentials plus a bottle of wine ready for the evening. 

Drizzle started sticking to my hair as I left _,_ the sun had replaced by a grey blanket. _Why does it always rain when I don't have an umbrella?_ It was as I took a shortcut - running along a narrow path in-between rows of parked cars - that it hit me. No, not the answer to my umbrella question but instead a large, heavy, painfully solid car door.

I charged straight into it, stumbled back a step and lost my balance. Because of the bags in my hands, I couldn't break the fall. My left wrist hit the ground first, sending sharp needles of pain up my arm, followed by the sting of grazes as my forearms scraped the ground. In a blur of slow motion, yet all at once, I ended up sitting on the wet, dirty floor.

A heady smell of damp tarmac filled my nose whilst a swarm of thoughts buzzed through my mind; what to do next, how to react, where was my handbag, wait… 

“Where’s my bag?” 

A voice answered from above, blurry and faded inside my spinning head. “Arr I'm so sorry, I didn’t see you. You’re hurt… Your bag? It's here, right behind you.” 

A man’s hand came into view, reaching for my arm, propelling my shock into heart-racing fear.

  
  


# Day Zero

Opening the door to the construction site office, I hung up my hardhat and headed straight for the first, and most important job of the day - coffee. Within a few minutes, the large converted storage container filled with its rich awakening scent. 

At one end by the door, sat Daniel’s desk, as well as an extra table for the printer and stack of folders. Plus there were always odd bits of tools scattered around; things he was in the middle of mending. Next, under a small window, was my desk and a filing cabinet. Then a third desk, shared by the various trade overseers - electrician, plumber etc. At the far end was a small counter with a sink, fridge, kettle and of course, the coffee maker. AKA the producer of magical elixir to all workers. I could have done the majority of my work in the head office, which had heating, soft seats and a proper toilet instead of a portaloo. But I preferred being in the action, seeing building progress for myself, helping with deliveries and even getting my hands on the tools or a paintbrush whenever I could.

I’d started early to give myself an hour to catch up on paperwork before the team arrived and transformed the office into a bustling site hub. My laptop whirred into life. I started going through project checklists, humming along to the ‘ _Guardians of the Galaxy’_ album - ‘ _Hooked On A Feeling_.’ Classic tuneage.

Chains clanked and rattled outside - the sound of someone opening the gates. Glancing over at the clock it was still only 8:04. I hadn’t got anywhere near as far as I wanted to. Daniel probably wanted to get a head start too, or _maybe_ he knew I’d be here on my own. Smiling to myself, I got up, combed a hand through my hair and crossed the office to offer him a drink.

My smile dropped when I saw, not Daniel, but the new carpenter. Odd-looking guy, though I couldn't put my finger on why. None of his features were particularly ugly - a straight nose, narrow dark eyes, pale skin, light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail - but there was something about them that didn't gel. Like each one had been plucked from photos of random strangers then roughly stuck together. He stared at me from across the yard. Being the only woman on site, I was used to a few stares, but his were blank, empty. 

The hair on my neck prickled. I rubbed the feeling away and called out cheerfully, “Morning. It's Jeff right?” He answered only with a curt nod. “You’re keen, you don’t start for another half hour, fancy a coffee?” Again just a nod, but he started walking towards the office. Quiet.

He started up the metal steps to the door and I attempted to get him talking once more. “I hope the team isn’t telling you to come in early? They like to wind new people up." I went back to the kitchen area. "I’ll grab you a cup...” The tapping of his footsteps paused, the door shut behind him. “Oh it’s ok you can leave it open, gets pretty stuffy in here.” Still nothing. Really quiet.

And a little creepy.

I poured us both a drink.

Without a sound or warning, a hand clamped over my mouth, another around my arm. Paralyzing fear shocked my body, my scream came out muffled through his suffocating grip. Stale breath tinged with cigarette smoke stung my nose. His face pressed into the back of my neck. He may have been scrawny, but he was strong. I writhed and kicked out at his legs and threw the mugs, and anything else I could reach, over my shoulders, his grip only tightened.

“Don't fight darlin’ it only slows things down.”

That was the first time I’d heard his voice. It crawled over my skin, raspy and soulless, sticking to me like cobwebs I wanted to escape. Tears filled my eyes, blurring my sight right before the first stab pierced my back.

  
  


# Day 332 - Friday Morning

Fear drove me into action. Adrenaline took over, my movements became unconscious reflexes. I grabbed for the arm that came towards me with my right hand, pulled and twisted it behind the man's back, catching him off guard. At the same time, I used my left hand to shove myself back onto my feet and then push him, front first, into the side of his car. Burning pain scorched my wrist. I kept pushing. _Not this time, not again, this time I’m stronger._

Relief of gaining control dulled the initial shock, producing a dizzy, drunk feeling. I blinked over and over trying to focus my eyes and concentrated on my breathing to block out the thumping pulse in my ears. _“No no no. Don’t panic, come on, breathe.”_

I must have said it out loud as the man replied softly, staying perfectly still in my grip. “Hey, it’s ok, you’re ok, no need to panic. I was trying to help you up.”

His voice drifted through the haze in my mind, dragging my senses back to the present; I could feel the rain getting heavier, it dripped off my fringe onto my nose. My bags were on the floor near my feet, some of the contents busy rolling under the next car. The car door attacker did not attempt to break free, rather he quietly repeated the words ‘it’s ok, you're ok’ over and over, which should have been annoying. Like a reassuring and gentle tick-tock of a clock, it actually calmed me.

Reality hit with a cold shudder, the rush of panic completely over. I released the man’s arm and shoulder, took a step back and pressed my face into my hands. The bottom of my damp and muddy skirt clung to my legs.

“Oooooh!” I gasped. “Arrr...” 

Words, words? Could not. Think. Of any. Words. “I can’t believe I just did that, are you ok?” I kept my shaking hands over my face. “Ooooh, I’m so sorry. I thought… I thought you were trying to mug me.”

Careless idiot scared me half to death.

He pushed himself up from the car and casually brushed off his coat. “Hey hey, don’t worry, it was my fault.” I could just about see up to his waist through the gaps in my fingers. “That was some move.” He sounded amused, impressed even. No trace of anger like I expected. 

He took a tentative step closer. “Please, you’re hurt, let me help you.” The deep, gentle rumble of his voice continued to soften my tightly wound nerves like oil on a rusty hinge. 

Careless man with a purring deep voice.

Seriously, he could have been the guy who did those overdramatic voice-overs on movie trailers. Only without the American accent - His was English and a bit posh.

Keeping my eyes fixed on the ground, I waved in the general direction of my own car, telling him again that I would be fine. I aimed for calm yet firm. What came out was faint and wobbly. 

I quickly occupied myself, turning away to bend down and recover what I could of my shopping. A sharp protest came from my wrist when I tried to move it again, looking at my arms brought a sick feeling to my stomach. Grit stuck to grazes on my palms. Lifting up my sleeve uncovered more scratches, some patches already turning a sickly bruised shade of yellowish-green. My assailant crouched down beside me to pick up the second bag, I could feel him watching as I examined my injuries. He definitely saw me wince as I tried to lift the refilled bag.

“I can’t leave you here,” he stated like it was an obvious fact. “Your wrist might be broken and you’re bleeding.” 

From the corner of my eye, I caught his hand gesture towards my face, the burning sensation there must have been from more than just embarrassment. Touching a finger to my cheek confirmed he was right. I was bleeding. 

Again he edged closer to kneel on the floor next to me, dark slim jeans soaking up the water, and pointed again, this time at my wrist. “I really should take you to the hospital.”

Every single one of my muscles jolted at the word ‘hospital,' as if my nerves had just been plugged into a faulty socket. My heart pounded so hard I felt its vibration throughout my body.

“No please! Honestly, you don’t need to, look...” I held up my hands and spun them. Bad idea. I gritted my teeth against the pain. “No swelling, I can still move, it's bruised that’s all.” 

“Alright, I’m not going to force you.” He held up a hand, palm open before gently placing it on my shoulder, I shivered at the touch but resisted the urge to attack him again. “At least let me help you carry your things out of the rain.”

No longer believing him to be a mugger, I agreed with a small nod. 

He followed as I led the way, walking just behind my shoulder. A few times I thought he would bump into me because of his long strides. I’m five foot two. He must have been at least a foot taller. His clothes - from what I could make out while still keeping my head down - were all in shades of grey or black. Biker style lace-up boots over the jeans. A knitted jumper under a long overcoat. Stylish, understated. _Nice._ I fought to keep my eyes on the floor.

Again, I said I didn’t need help, and stole a quick glance over - dark hair, square jaw, _so_ tall - as he caught up to my side, shaking his head to reject my argument. 

“I’m not leaving you,” he said, “Not until I’m convinced, which I'm not. Yet.”

We got to my car and I dug out the key to open the back for him to put the bags inside - he had insisted on carrying them - and I leaned in to retrieve a pack of anti-bac wipes to clean my hands. My fingers were still shaking. I wished he would stop watching me so closely.

“Good thinking.” He made me jump. “Sit down and let me have a look at that cut. The top of the door must have caught you.”

Careless kind man who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Considering I had practically assaulted him, he didn’t seem phased by it. Before I had a chance to refuse, he took the wipes, and the situation, in hand and made his way to my front passenger seat.

I hesitated, stunned. 

Normally I would object to being told what to do, especially so abruptly by a stranger, but my head hurt too much to argue. Something about him felt familiar though… Maybe he was the voice over guy.

Sometimes it’s easier, I had discovered, to just let people help you. Even if you don’t think you need it, it makes them feel better. I shut the back doors and went to the driver’s seat, resigned to accepting his kindness. If the situation were reversed, I would have done the same.

Thanks to wet clothes sticking to my legs, my clumsy entrance did not help to restore any dignity.

He apologized again while I tried to get comfortable. “This was my fault, please don’t be embarrassed. I’m so sorry.” Taking a wipe from the packet, he turned in the seat to face me. “I did a first aid course, granted, it was a few years ago.” He breathed out a quiet chuckle. “So I’m a little rusty but if it's ok with you, can I take a look?”

I nodded again, tucked my increasingly frizzy curls of dark hair behind my ears, and put on a well-practised smile.

“Fine, I give in,” I said, before finally, finding the courage to look him in the eyes. 

Tingling heat spread across my skin, a fresh panic of a different kind flooding my body. I drew in a shamefully loud breath. He carried on with a barely noticeable - blink and you’d miss it - twitch of a smile. With a face like his, he must have been used to it.

One of his hands lifted to hold the side of my head, the other went to clean the cut. I was almost grateful to the throbbing in my wrist, and the sting of the wipe for the distraction as his eyes squinted - making little lines appear in their corners - to inspect my cheek.

Not so careless man with eyes the colour of chocolate and caramel and maple syrup, and generally every kind of sweet and naughty thing.

_Oh hell._

His brow furrowed in concentration. “What’s your name?”

“Lara. Lara Quinn.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Miss Quinn. I’m Theo.”


	3. Chapter 3

#  Day 332 - Friday Morning

The pattering of rain against the car matched my own racing heartbeat while I sat silently, digging my nails into my knees as Theo held a steady pressure on my cheek. I was highly aware of the small space we were in. And of how long I’d been staring at him.

“Hmm.” He thought out loud, breaking the silence. “Lara Quinn. That’s a swish name.” An  eyebrow raised, just the one. It also lifted the one corner of his mouth into a smile , as though they were  connected by an invisible string. “With those moves, you must be what, MI5? CIA?” 

I laughed at his corny compliment, as well as his easy use of the word ‘swish.’ Who says that? He was right though, I liked my name. Especially the way he said it. Smooth and mysterious.

I let myself smile. “I've taken self-defence classes. I hoped I’d never have to use it though.”

“Well they worked, you completely surprised me.”

I’d surprised myself. “What can I say, I’m expecting a recruitment call from Mr Bond any day now.” 

What the hell _was_ I saying? I closed my eyes, wanting to suck the words back in. Remarkably, he chuckled again; a low, warm sound that I felt rather than heard. No way was my cringe-worthy joke that funny. Obviously, he was just being polite. Removing the wet wipe from my face, he placed it on the floor, the other hand still holding my head. Warm fingers slotted either side of my ear, holding back my hair. He looked back up at me for a few seconds of eternity, scrutinizing every millimetre, reading my face, or even my thoughts, as easily as anyone else would read a book. My flustered brain lost its connection to my mouth and went back to a mushy state of continual ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’.

I broke free from his attention with the excuse of turning on the heaters to dry my feet. “Theo, do I know you? Do you work in the central offices? You seem familiar?”

When you see someone out of context, it can be hard to place them. I once stood chatting away to a girl I bumped into in Costa, convinced that I knew her from school, only to remember a few hours later, she was actually a receptionist at my Doctors and that I didn’t know her at all. She must have thought I was crazy. I might have seen him in my office lobby though. The floor below mine housed several Solicitors’ firms; he was well-spoken, I could imagine him in a suit. Immediately, I felt foolish for asking so many questions.

With another smile, he folded his hands onto his lap, leaving a warm static-like buzz on my face. “I don’t think we’ve ever met, I'm sure I would remember an introduction like yours.” 

Wow, he had a nice smile. I couldn't shake the feeling I knew him somehow. “Oh ok, my mistake,” I said. “Must have hit my head harder than I thought.”

“Please don't say that.” Dark eyes dropped to look at the floor. “I already feel dreadful. The last thing you need is a concussion to go with your wrist.” There, he paused, mouth open slightly, as though the next sentence was reluctant to leave. “I’m working nearby, filming for a new TV show on the coast.”

Filming? TV? Images were triggered of a film I had seen recently. Then a name - Theodore Taylor. “Wait, you’re an actor, aren’t you? That’s where I’ve seen you?” A nod and small smile confirmed it. “I didn’t recognize you, well I did, but couldn't remember why. Sorry.”

He looked different without the sci-fi clothing.

“Don’t apologize, I’m not offended.” His eye line dropped again.  “It’s actually a nice change to get to introduce myself... Wow!” He roughly rubbed his forehead. “ That sounded big-headed didn’t it? I don’t expect or want everyone to recognise me, I didn’t mean it like that.”

I quickly assured him, “No, I didn't think that.”

I couldn't understand why he seemed embarrassed, or why he wouldn't have wanted to tell me. From the little I knew of him, he wasn't the shy type. In fact, he was quite the opposite. Weren't there rumours he’d been to prison? I’d even heard that his girlfriend had posted a drunken naked picture...

Oh.

_ Oh. Ha! Maybe that's why. _

When his full attention shifted back toward me, it was like a weight hitting me square in the chest, making breathing difficult. His focus was so intense that I was positive, if the world began exploding around us, he wouldn’t have noticed it.

I pushed the weight aside. “Theo,”  I said his name again, purely because I liked saying it. I didn't know any other Theo’s. It rolled off my tongue nicely.  “You've been so kind. Honestly, I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry about me, it was an accident, I’ll just go home.”

“I may not  _ have _ to worry, but I will. You hide it well, but I can tell you’re in pain.” He gently touched my hand. “This wrist needs to get checked and your face needs cleaning up properly. If you won't let me take you to A&E, would you at least come and see the first aider we have on set? If he gives you the all-clear then I promise, I  _ will _ let you go.”

It could have been the way one side of his mouth smiled again with a blink of his long eyelashes, or the touch of his hand that made it impossible to immediately say no. Admittedly the idea of seeing the ‘set’ appealed too.

“Also,” he added, “You're freezing.” He looked down to my feet, his hand still on mine. “We need to get out of these wet clothes and warm up.”

A wave of shivering energy threatened to overwhelm me. There was nothing I could do to hide the blush that covered my cheeks. My awkwardness made me angry,  I felt like a child playing a grown-up. Badly.

He smiled kindly, pulling away when he clocked my shyness. “I’ll drive.” A hand stretched out to ask for the car keys. “Keep your wrist elevated and as still as possible just in case. Don’t worry, I’m a good driver, just not quite so good with doors...”

Events were being taken out of my control. My spine tensed, heat built in my hands, on my forehead, at the back of my neck.  “But what about your car?” I stuttered out another excuse.

“No problem, I’ll get someone to pick it up.” With an even wider grin, he beckoned again for me to hand him the keys . “It’s ok, I’ve got you. Do you trust me?”

The last remnants of adrenaline trickled through my system. Against my better judgment - and the warning voice in my head - I heard myself answer, “Yes.”

  
  


You would be forgiven for thinking it was his car. He got into the driving seat, adjusted everything to suit, started it up, and left the car park without a second thought. The stereo automatically came to life, filling the air with a pulsing, heartbeat-like baseline and the voice o f Taylor Swift singing about her ‘ _ Wildest Dreams _ .’ A ll her albums were on constant shuffle.

I dug out a hairbrush from the glove box, turned the music off, apologized again then pulled down the overhead mirror

“If a guy tells you he doesn't like Taylor Swift. He’s either lying or stupid.”

I was trying to think of something witty to reply when I saw my flushed cheeks and the smudges of mascara around my eyes. “Ugh!”

Theo responded to my groan with a quick glance my way. “It’s not as bad as it looks, it stopped bleeding quickly so it’s not deep.”

Obviously, he thought I was reacting to the cut across my cheekbone rather than to the general state of my appearance. I didn’t correct him. The truth was that blood didn’t bother me anymore, but looking like a drowned rat with no makeup in front of a stranger did. Well, sort of a stranger.

We drove for a few minutes in silence while I discreetly re-applied some powder, lippy and brushed my hair. The second I finished, put the mirror up and sat back, Theo started talking again, like he’d been waiting.

“By the way, you’re going to have to direct me. I have no idea where I’m going without a sat nav.”

“Oh right! Where are we headed?”

“A place called Lan… Lan…” He shook his head, failing to pronounce the foreign word.

He started to describe it instead, which gave me an excuse to look at him properly. The rain had made his thick dark hair look black. Although it was short, it was long enough for the top and back to curl. A tiny loop at the back of his neck made an almost perfect circle where a drop of rainwater had formed in the centre.  _ Don’t stare. _ Every look I noticed something more.  _ One more look… _ We approached a junction causing his brow to crease in concentration, in turn causing my brain to forget how to speak all over again. It wasn't helped by the fact his hand - on the gearstick - was extremely close to my thigh. 

“Um, I think you probably mean Llanfellinfawr?” I said. “You're going the right way, stay on this road for now.”

Llanfelinfawr, translates roughly as ‘a large mill,’ and known as Llan to the locals, was a tiny area where the river met the sea. It consisted of about six houses, a small shop - which was the old mill - a pub, and a caravan/campsite. What made it special was its large stretch of sandy coastline framed by tall cliffs. Quite a few things had been filmed there before.

I rubbed my hands on my knees when he looked my way. “Sorry for accusing you of mugging me Theo, and for thinking you were going to abduct me, I can't imagine abductors asking for directions.” The words grated my ears.  __ Trying to joke again.  __ What an idiot.

“Abduct you?” He grinned. “Well, I’m in  _ your _ car, and  _ you _ are the one telling me where to go so technically… I believe that makes  _ you _ the abductor?” His laugh was bigger, more relaxed, not a ‘wow this girl is weird’ kind of laugh, but an actual, amused laugh. Was he still just being polite or did he genuinely find me funny? How should I know, he was an actor after all.

From then on he eased into a conversation, telling me about the other places they were filming, how pretty he thought the areas were, that he wanted to come back and explore more of Wales soon. Occasionally I asked a question or jumped in to give another direction. My awkwardness melted away; listening to him was fascinating. Even when describing places I knew well, he brought out so many new details that they sounded exotic and colourful.

“So tell me Lara, Lara Quinn, what does a 007 such as yourself do when not saving the world? Do you have a normal job, you know, as a cover?”

Strangely flattering, how he remembered and continued my previous, even though terrible, joke. However this was the part of introductions I dreaded, and the reason why I avoided meeting new people. Questions inevitably got passed back my way, and one question always led to another.

I kept my answer simple, including just enough information to hopefully satisfy his curiosity. It was  a tactic of mine . “Yes, unfortunately saving the world is pretty exhausting, so I come back here for a break.” I smiled, broke out of my serious tone and continued, “I work for a construction company, project management and interior design. Usually, I'm wearing steel toe boots and high vis on a building site somewhere.”

I waited for the standard surprised reaction that came whenever people discovered that I - a woman in her 20s who wore makeup and pink dresses (sometimes) - worked on a building site. Or for the look that said  _ 'why _ on earth would you want to do that?' 

Neither of them came.

“Hey it’s a shame, the safety gear would have come in useful this morning. You could have just kicked me with your boots, probably much easier.”

“Not as cool though.”

“No.” He flashed over a smile. “Or as fun.”

I cleared my throat, looked away and shifted the subject from myself by asking more questions -  another tactic - this time about his first-ever job. He started telling me the story of how he worked in his local food shop, and how badly it went.

  
  


Twenty minutes later we approached the coast. Theo pulled the car off into what was normally a public car park near the mouth of the river. Now it housed a few blue storage container cabins, similar to the ones we used at work, along with some smaller caravans, all surrounded by temporary metal fencing. Large signs either side of a new gateway labelled it as the ‘Main Entrance.’ 

A security guard came towards us waving an arm, telling us to park elsewhere, only for him to turn a shade of beetroot when Theo rolled down the window. “Mr Taylor sorry I didn’t see you there.”

“No problem. My friend here just needs to see Steven then we’ll be out the way.”

That sentence brought the realization that my time with Theo was nearly over. He would pass me onto ‘Steven’ - presumably was the first aider - then he would be gone.  A well of disappointment opened up in my stomach. There were still so many questions I wanted answering in his intelligent and enthusiastic way.

Theo’s outstretched hand appeared at my door to help me out. I almost went to take it but at the last minute, passed him my handbag with a ‘thank you.’ He accepted it with a small bow of the head and a ‘my pleasure.’ I couldn’t help but giggle which, I discovered, is impossible to do in a mature way.

He led me towards one of the smaller caravans where a green ‘First Aid’ sign marked our destination, deliberately slowing his pace to stay at my side. “I believe Steven used to be a full-time paramedic so he knows what he’s doing. Much better than me and a baby wipe anyway.”

“You’re perfect.” That didn’t come out right. He raised that one eyebrow again. “I mean you’ve been so kind and, and...” I stumbled around for another word.

“Miss Quinn.” Stopping at the door, he turned to me. “Are you flirting with me?” For the first time, his face became deadly serious.

Oh hell, was I? Did _he_ want me to be? _Do I want to be?_ If I bit my lip any harder, I was going to need even more first aid. “What? No. I just meant I’m very grateful and…”

The corners of his mouth began creeping upwards before releasing into a wide grin that touched his entire face. He was teasing me. Of course he was.

He had joked a lot on the drive over, always with the same smile and glint in his eye, but that outgoing tease had taken me by surprise. The banter I used to enjoy at work seemed like a million years ago. No matter how much people tried not to, they treated me differently now. Always worrying about upsetting me, saying the wrong thing, or bringing back the past; as if I were too fragile to even joke with.

A flicker of my old self came to life. “Not such a bad actor after all, are we Mr Taylor?” I replied with mock admiration. My hand pressed onto my heart; it was beating ridiculously fast.

“You flatter me again. Come on, let's get you fixed up.” Holding the door open he nodded for me to go through, guiding me in with a hand on my lower back. 

A flock of butterflies took flight in my stomach.

“Steven I’ve brought you a patient.” He called out, following me in.

A man hidden behind a tiny desk at the far end replied, his thick Welsh accent and cool green eyes greeting me. Brown hair greying at the sides flopped around his friendly face. “Good grief what do we have here then. Come on love, take a seat.”

Steven calmly took in the state of my arms while helping me onto a hospital-style bed. His experienced manner reassured me that I was safe, his voice made me feel at home. I couldn’t say the same for the surroundings; It was more of a mini ambulance than a caravan. Shelves and cupboards lined the walls filled with boxes and bags all labelled for their various purposes. Burns, Allergies, Dressings and so on. A strong smell of antiseptic made me want to pinch my nose.

He was busy rummaging through a large box marked ‘Wound Treatment,’ when a few clicks and beeps of a machine sent my pulse racing. Automatically, my hands clenched into tight fists as I held my body still. Theo sat next to me, gently sliding his hand, which had remained on my back, around to my side. I tensed, paranoid he would read my history written in the scars beneath my shirt, but I didn’t pull away. He was the only thing in the room that I knew, albeit for under an hour, and  his calm strength  made me feel secure.

“I’m guessing for someone who hates hospitals, this place isn’t much better?” He whispered so Steven wouldn't hear.

I regretted how much my voice had risen when rejecting his offer to take me to hospital. This guy didn’t miss a trick. “I don’t hate them, they just… they bring back memories.”

Thankfully Steven turned back to the bed, arms full of supplies before Theo could ask any more questions. I’d already said too much.

  
  


#  DAY 26

Sleep continued to escape me and it wasn’t all because of the nightmares. The hospital was the noisiest place I knew, that’s coming from someone who worked on building sites. There was a constant buzz of chatter, nurses gossiping in the office, patients moaning to the doctors, visitors excitedly bringing gifts to loved ones. Behind that was the hum of equipment, beeps of heart monitors and Darth Vader like breaths from oxygen tanks. 

My first visitor would be arriving at any minute. Usually, that would be mom, but I made her promise to have a few days at home. She looked exhausted, the last thing I wanted was for her to suffer. She’d been through enough. 

I put down my book - Pride and Prejudice - relieved to see Olivia walking down the corridor. She always made me laugh with her stories about adventures from the weekend. For those few hours, I could imagine being back at home, cosy on the sofa with fluffy blankets, chocolate and a bottle of red, putting the world to rights the way we used to. I know my friends and family were doing their best to help and I really appreciated it. Hell, I wouldn’t know what to say to me either. But for one day I just wanted ‘normal’ without having to smile or keep telling people that ‘I was fine.’ (I wasn’t fine.) I wanted my mind taken away from the continual agony, away from the nightmares, away from the buzzing and bleeps of the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

# Day 332 - Friday Afternoon

Theo briefly explained what happened to Steven, who found my self-defence moves hilarious. I also found myself laughing at the theatrical way Theo told the story. _He should be an actor._

After cleaning my face and arms Steven moved onto my wrist. I took a deep breath, bracing myself when he began methodically squeezing my hand and finger joints, analyzing each bone at a time. It was uncomfortable but not horrendous. Until he rotated my wrist. I filched, clamped my eyes shut and turned my face into Theo’s shoulder, willing myself not to cry.

Theo’s grip around my waist tightened. He lowered his head onto mine, close enough that I felt the air of his whisper on my ear. “It’s ok, I’ve got you.”

“All done love,” Steven said. “Sorry about that, you have to be extra careful with hands. So many little pieces!” A toothy grin spread across his face. “Good news is nothing’s broken. Just sprained the wrist, so I’ll strap it up. You’ll have to keep it rested for a couple of weeks mind.”

He patted my shoulder and carried on explaining about elevation, ice and painkillers; I wasn't really listening. Exhaustion from the shock and pain was kicking in. My head lulled on Theo’s shoulder, where it was warm. There was a faint trace of aftershave on his neck that smelt like spices, I could quite happily have stayed put for a nap.

“Hey, Lara?” Theo’s words were soft but enough to stir my brain back to life. “You still there?”

Steven had stopped talking and was smiling at me. My stomach rumbled. “Yes, sorry… Thank you Steven. I promise I’ll rest it.”

We each said goodbye. 

My next goodbye would be to Theo. The well of disappointment grew into a pit with an ache in my abdomen. Or maybe it was the hunger. I wrapped my arms around my middle.

“Come on.” Theo jumped down from the bed. “Let’s get out of here. Tea or coffee sound good to you?”

“Coffee always sounds good.” Coffee with him sounded even better. I grinned, closing the pit off again. For a little while at least.

We left the caravan to find the rain had stopped. The ground shimmered as the sun warmed the air and pockets of steam rose around our feet. I followed Theo past the line of cabins - Main Office, Security, Props - until we came to a large white tent, like the kind people use for weddings, with windows from one end to the other and a wide doorway.

“Well, this is the break tent. Fancy eh?” He pointed me towards a large sofa. “Take a seat. I’ll be right back.”

For a tent, it was pretty fancy, with its carpeted floors, plush sofas and dark walnut coffee tables. Not to mention the spectacular view over the beach. I watched Theo as he walked to the drinks machines on the far side. There were a few other people milling around - none I recognized - and although he greeted them kindly, he seemed quieter than he was with me. He must have felt really guilty about the accident; he was being overly nice. Returning a few minutes later, I happily accepted the coffee, which he handed to me on a plate along with a selection of sandwiches.

He fell onto the sofa next to me. “Right what are we going to do about getting you home?” A raised hand stopped me interrupting. “Before you say it. You’re not driving today. I was going to suggest a taxi but then what do we do about your car… Hmm. Is there someone who could come and drive you?”

I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay right there on the sofa with him and hear about more of the amazing places he had visited. But I couldn’t tell him that so instead, I told him Olivia could drive my car.

“Great. Let me know a time and place and I’ll send a taxi to pick her up. You give her a call to explain while I sort out one more thing. Back in a minute.” He tapped a finger on my knee, got up, and hurried out of the tent.

I picked out a cheese sandwich and called Olivia, giving her the day's events as clearly as possible, assuring her I was fine and then explaining the plan to pick me and the car up. What I didn’t say was that Theo was actually Theodore Taylor. Or that his friends working at the beach were actually a film crew. She probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway.

“You’re sure you’re alright?” She asked for the hundredth time. “Why didn’t you call sooner?” 

Normally calling her or Mom would have been the first thing on my mind when faced with trouble. I suppose I hadn't felt the need to.

Olivia was busy helping her Mother with the shopping and wouldn’t be finished for a few hours. She offered to leave early.

“No. Honestly Liv don’t worry, the taxi can come get you when you're finished at four ok. Oh and try to stay cool when you get here.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“Just trust me, you’ll see. See you later.” Theo came back into the tent, a woman by his side. “Thanks Liv. I’ve gotta go, bye.” I could hear her trying to ask more questions as I hung up.

“Hey, all sorted?” He asked as they approached.

“Yep, she can be ready at four, if that’s all right?”

“Of course. As long as you don’t mind waiting?”

I expected him to be annoyed by the idea of me hanging around for the next few hours. His expression seemed hopeful. Was he hoping I would say yes, that I would leave sooner, or was he hoping I could stay?

I wanted it to be the second reason. “I don't mind, I just don't want to be in the way.”

His face lit up as he sat next to me. I thought for a second someone must have turned the lights on. Only there weren't any. 

“You're not in anyone’s way,” he said. Maybe it was the second reason? “Lara this is…” The word girlfriend went through my mind. “May. She runs the costume department, I told her what happened and well, being the angel that she is, she agreed to help you out with some clothes.”

Calling Olivia wasn’t the only thing I’d forgotten about. My skirt was a rag of creases and dirt stains, my jacket and jumper were still damp and my hair... A fresh wave of embarrassment swept over me. What was I thinking, worrying about him having a girlfriend? As if he would look twice at me when surrounded everyday by beautiful, stylish women like May.

His hand found my shoulder again as he stood up, the tip of his middle finger catching the bare skin of my neck. Good grief. “I have to get back to work, my lunch ended ages ago,” he said. “But I’ll leave you in May’s capable hands.” My breath caught in my throat. I would never see him again. “If you’re up to it, I’ll come back later and give you a tour?”

The back and forth of him leaving, returning, leaving, was spinning my head faster than a windmill in a hurricane. “Really? That would be amazing. But Theo, you don’t...”

“Have to?” He finished my sentence. “I know. You really have to stop rejecting me Lara - you’re making me nervous.” A smile squinted up his eyes. “Now, have fun and I will see you later.”

Both May and I silently watched him stride off, pausing only slightly to flash another smile our way before disappearing out the door.

“He’s in a good mood today,” May observed, her expression neutral as she looked me over. “Follow me, let's see what we can do.”

Dressed in a chic, light cream suit, May was glamorous in a classic Hollywood way, only with a few modern twists - casual pumps instead of heels, a hint of pink in her wavy blonde hair. Nerves prickled my fingertips as we headed to one of the larger cabins further down the car park, past the First Aid caravan. 

The sign on the door announced it as the ‘Wardrobe.’ One hell of a wardrobe. Every square inch of the cabin was covered in shelving, drawers and rails upon rails of clothes. Some of the hanging clothes had been gathered into sections, each with a name above. Presumably, they were different actors or characters. I couldn’t help but let out a gasp when I realized they were Jane Austen style period costumes.

“Wow, this is a period drama?” I gushed.

“Yes. I’m afraid I can’t say much as it’s not gone to the press yet.”

“Oh, of course, I understand.” I reigned back my excitement. “They’re so beautiful, do you make them?”

May answered my questions in a polite but formal way. I didn’t mind, I was a quiet person too, but after Theo described her as being ‘an angel,’ I had expected her to be a little friendlier. Offering me a seat, she started flicking through the rails while asking questions about how I met Theo, mixed in with some about my size and what I normally wear. The more we talked, the more she gradually softened. She seemed satisfied with my answers; that I wasn’t some sort of spy sent from the press to dig up information about the new show.

Eventually, she handed me a bundle of clothes along with an empty bag for my own. “Here, these are perfect for you, pop them on in the dressing room, then we’ll get your hair dry.”

The ‘dressing room’ was a curtained off area in the far corner, only a little bigger than a shop changing room. Uneasy in the strange environment, I changed as quickly as I could - not easy with a sprained wrist - into the beige chinos and blush-coloured, incredibly soft fine knit jumper I had been given. I turned several times in the mirror. The light colours made my fair skin look tanned, the fit slimmed my waist and the hint of pink brought out the blue in my eyes. Wow. If I ever became a film star - _extremely_ unlikely - the first thing I would do would be to hire May to dress me every day.

“There, I told you they were perfect, you look lovely,” May said as I re-appeared, her hands clapping together with satisfaction. She ushered me onto a chair and blow-dried out the last of the rain then loosely curled my dark, shoulder-length hair.

As she moved onto my makeup I bit the bullet and asked, “Have you known Theo long?” I was dying to know.

May’s voice returned to its previous formal tone, slower, cautious. “I’ve worked with him a few times over the years. Why do you ask?”

I instantly regretted my curiosity. “Um, I don’t know really.” _Be honest._ “I guess he’s not quite what I expected? He’s been so kind, I don’t want him to think he has to be though, it was only an accident,” I rambled. Nervous.

She thought about my reply for a few seconds. “Theo has always been an open and kind person. Although these days he's usually more reserved. In his position, he has to be careful--” The door opened. “Speak of the devil.”

Theo greeted us both. “Well you will be pleased to hear, I am actually finished for the day so you have me all to yourself. And Lara, you look incredible.”

My pulse drummed in my ears. My cheeks burned. He didn’t take his eyes off me as he walked closer. A grin was growing uncontrollably, over my face, I bit it down. Exhaling slowly, his smile changed, mingling with an expression I couldn’t make out. Breaking his stare to regain some composure, I noticed that May was watching us.

“So, still up for that tour?” He asked.

“You bet,” I said. “Thank you so much May, it was lovely to meet you.” I slid off the chair to fetch my jacket and bag of clothes.

  
  


*** THEO ***

“Theo…” May lowered her voice and caught his elbow before he could follow Lara. “She’s a sweet girl. No games.”

The warning and distrust in May’s eyes cut through Theo’s smile. It was the same look he sometimes saw on the faces of his parents.

A year ago, Theo would have taken a bet on how quickly he could meet a girl and get her into the back of his car, or back to his place. Four minutes was his record. Even the memory of himself back then made him sick. Only they didn’t feel like _his_ memories. They felt like another character, another role he had played, then got trapped inside. A prisoner in his own life.

A lot had changed since then.

“I’m not the same person as when we met May. No games.”

For a moment he wished he hadn't told Lara who he was. Self-defence moves aside, she was sweet, and seemed sensible, reserved, so would probably steer well clear of men with a reputation like his. When she hadn’t recognised him, it could have been a chance to start with a fresh slate. His name was damaged for good; there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

Although she kept politely declining his help - even after she found out who he was - there was something that stopped Theo from letting her go. Curiosity, or perhaps simply a stubbornness to prove himself? All he knew was that every time he tried to, and every time she gave him a reason to, he would find another excuse to prolong her stay. As though he were tied to her, not by rope but by a spring, continuously pulling him back. 

  
  


*** LARA ***

Theo caught up just in time to rescue me from the struggle of putting on a jacket one handed over my wrist strap. Holding onto my collar, he pulled the shoulder up for me. There were no smiles or laughs. The light had disappeared from the curves of his face, replaced by a darker, tighter, thought ridden frown. It made him look older and more handsome. I couldn’t breathe. When he suggested dropping my bag of clothes back at the car before going for a walk, all I could do was nod. I started going over the lyrics of ‘ _Wildest Dreams’_ about a tall, handsome man - the song from the car - in my head.

There was always a song stuck in my head. 

We walked around the whole set, which didn’t take long. It was basically just a few beach huts and tents, then a small area of the cliff face which had been lit by huge spotlights. When we got to the end - marked by small posts, joined with tape - Theo stepped over and carried on walking along the beach, neither of speaking for a few minutes, watching the sea. Most people would probably find that awkward, to try and fill the silence. I enjoyed the calmness, listening to the whoosh of distant waves and our footsteps in the sand.

Theo didn’t seem to mind silence either. He looked over curiously whenever I stopped to collect a shell or pebble, so I told him about the large glass jar in my bathroom that contained some from every beach I’d visited.

“It’s like a collection of memories,” I explained, pressing a smooth black stone into my palm. “And, when you open the lid, it smells like the sea.”

He started to pick out a few of the smaller, round pure white shells, passing them to me whenever he found one that was complete and without scratches.

At the far end of the beach was a large sand dune, Theo dropped behind to once again place his hand on my lower back as we climbed, steadying me to clamber over a rock one-handed. His touch no longer shocked me into fear instead, I went into an annoyingly giddy state of a teenage girl. Churning of butterflies, a tingle of warmth from his fingers.

From the top, the view over the bay was as beautiful as ever. Glistening water spread out in a wide curve, surrounded by an arch of rusty tan sand, darkened by rainwater. Spots of sunlight picked out random details, bringing them into brilliant focus like magnifying glasses hanging from the sky.

It was one of my favourite places; which was what I was telling Theo when his phone buzzed. We were quiet again as he read the message. His eyebrows pulled together, lips set into a hard line. Not a good message by the look of things.

After a minute, he put away the phone, looked out at the sea, and replied, “Yes, it is wonderful here.” There was a new hard edge in his voice, distant, distracted. Was this the reserved version of Theo that May knew?

_I shouldn’t be nosey. I definitely shouldn’t ask any questions._ “Are you alright?”

I couldn’t work out his expression. Annoyance maybe? I dropped my head and stuttered out an excuse for my prying question. “If something's come up and you need to go it's ok. I'll just wait for Olivia in the car.” 

The last thing I wanted was to be a nuisance, or for him to only be helping me out of guilt.

Hands tucked into his pockets, he looked at me. “You really mean that don't you?” The question stumped me, his face softened at my confusion. “Most people would be milking this accident for everything it's worth, rather than worrying about my feelings or inconveniencing me.” He sighed, “Or worse, they would outright threaten to sue me and report it to the press.”

May's earlier words about 'people in his position' entered my mind. I started to understand the real reason for her coolness, and reluctance to answer my questions about Theo.

“Then it's a good job I’m not 'most people,'” I said. “I wouldn't do that. I swear the thought hadn't even occurred to me. Although... Now you've given me ideas.” Leaning over to nudge his elbow lifted his frown. “Don’t worry Theo, accidents happen, especially in my line of work. Last week I literally tripped over the trip hazard warning sign.”

He laughed. A deep laugh that spread through his whole body, restoring light and warmth as instantly as flicking on a gas burner. For a second, I felt proud of my achievement.

“You should consider wearing your safety gear permanently.” He said through a wide smile. “And I know you're not going to sue me, I trust you."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as he fixed me in another stare. Tension started building in my chest, crushing my lungs. Sitting on the sand, I asked another question. “Did you always want to be an actor?”

He told of his first year at Uni in London and of how he was offered a part in a local film after being spotted in a play, which he had only been in because of losing a bet to his friends.

“Talk about a lucky break! So you weren’t studying acting?” I was getting even better at asking questions; Anything that kept him talking.

He stood a few steps ahead of me, one foot propped up on a rock, arms resting on the raised knee. It turned out his father was a Doctor, he had planned on following him but felt the acting opportunity was too good to miss.

“The rest is history as they say,” He laughed, taking a step closer to pick a few strands of grass. “I finished my first year but never ended up going into Psychology after all.”

“Psychology?”

“Yes, it's always fascinated me. Perhaps that’s why I enjoy acting, you know, getting into a character's head, trying to understand motives behind a person's behaviour.”

None of that surprised me. “I think you would’ve been a very good psychologist...” I let my sentence trail off, too embarrassed to explain my theory. He was calm under pressure, his voice put you at ease. Although thinking about it, I’m not sure his looks would be an advantage. If I was ever his patient, I would be too nervous to speak. One look at his face and I forgot how to anyway.

_That_ eyebrow raised again. “You think so?” 

“Oh, it’s just that, um, sometimes it’s like you know what I’m thinking.” And feeling. Which terrified me, and intrigued me. Mostly terrified. I cleared my throat. “And you were very calm when I attacked you.”

Becoming animated and enthusiastic again, he chuckled. “I love watching body language, it's incredible how much you can learn to see between the lines. I’m usually pretty good at reading people. See you…” In one stride, he crossed the space between and sunk into the soft sand next to me. “You were afraid of showing any weakness, so you hid it behind clenched fists. Yet, for some reason I can’t understand, you were equally embarrassed about being fearless, tough, and defending yourself.” His voice quietened, slowing as he leaned closer. Close enough that his shoulder brushed mine and I could see every faint crease of movement in his skin - at the side of his eyes, his brow, his mouth. “You also bite your lip when you’re nervous, or perhaps…” He rubbed the back of his neck then, for a millisecond, pressed a thumb to my lip. “Perhaps it's when you’re holding something back.”

Sparks jumped through my body. He let out another soft laugh, head tilting to the side. His gaze may as well have been a rope, wrapping tight, tying me to the spot. Then, turning back to the view, he released me.

Describing my actions so accurately throughout the day made me feel… naked. He noticed and remembered everything. I wanted to disappear, to erase everything he knew about me and start again, but then, I wouldn’t know what to replace it with. No, I knew exactly what I'd replace it with - the old me. The me that didn't bite my lip, go shy or act out of fear. The me that wouldn't want to attack a man just for touching me.

“But as for what you’re thinking,” he continued, brow tightening again in concentration. “I have no idea. Thankfully. I can’t imagine anything worse than knowing what people are thinking, hearing what they really thought of you behind the smiles and the scripts. Realising how many people you trust, are actually lying to you. Or purely saying what they think you want to hear. No, I would rather be blissfully ignorant.”

Words spoken from experience. Each word was pinched and sharp. I wanted to do something, say something to help. To my shame, I didn’t know how. I kept my own feelings under lock and key then buried behind a city of walls. The only way I could ever speak about them was by detaching myself, by imagining I was talking about someone or something else.

I had to try.

“Not everyone’s the same,” I said eventually, focusing on an ant crawling up the dune near my feet. “I know what it's like to suddenly be treated differently, because of something out of your control. But there'll always be someone you can rely on. Sometimes, it just takes a while to find them, or to work out who they are.”

Theo considered me, and my reply, for long enough that the ant was now next to my hand; it was no bigger than a few grains of the sand which it climbed. For every few steps it took, it would slide back one, the ground constantly shifting beneath. But it continued to struggle and to keep moving. Silently, I cheered it on.

I looked up to see Theo half smiling, chin resting on his fingers, he looked younger again, mischievous. 

“You are one surprise after another Miss Quinn.”

“Me?” My brain yelled again at my curiosity.

“Well, first of all, you overpowered me.” He said, grinning as if that were something exciting. “You’re sweet, polite, but then your eyes light up and you hit me with sarcasm. Obviously, you’re intelligent, yet you don’t like talking about yourself until unexpectedly, you open up with something profound like that.” Eyebrows raised. “I can’t quite make you out.”

I didn't mean to be profound. I was just trying to encourage him in the only way I knew how, with facts. I also didn’t want to be ‘made out.’ 

There was a part of me that enjoyed him trying. 

Dipping his chin, he looked up at me through long black eyelashes. 

I dug my hands into the sand to keep them still. “Mr Taylor, are you flirting with me?” I repeated his tease from a few hours ago, thinking I could snap him out of his seriousness and make him laugh again. It didn’t.

_“Heaven forbid!”_ He exclaimed with a grin. The phrase reminded me of something… I couldn’t remember what. “Would it really be so shocking to you Lara if I said yes?” 

The earth swallowed me up. At the same time, I was on a platform, spotlighted, hundreds of eyes watching me. 

He was teasing me again, surely? “Yes, no? I mean yes… what? You really must be worried about me suing you.” My laugh choked and came out as a high-pitched wheeze.

His eyes, glowing amber in the low light locked on mine. “And of course, you think that would be the only reason?”

It had to be a misunderstanding. Whatever the reason, I didn’t know how to respond. I also didn’t know what to do with my hands. A year ago, hearing a man say that would have filled me with a rush of joy and sent my confidence soaring. Now it drowned me in panic. 

Abruptly, and a little clumsily in my rush, I stood, flicking sand everywhere. “I think we should head back.”

As I began to walk away he jumped up. “I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm such an idiot! Lara please.” His hand caught mine, bringing me to a stop. I wanted to pull away - I wanted to hold it tighter. “I don't want to give you the wrong impression, it's just that…”

He looked away, silhouetted against the reddening sky. Rubbing one hand across his forehead he pressed his mind for the right words, the other hand still held onto mine. He sure knew how to create a dramatic pause. “Do you know how long it's been since I met someone and had a conversation about normal things, a conversation that wasn't planned or filmed? How long since someone _genuinely_ cared enough to ask if I was all right?”

Darkness crept back over his face. Like the long grasses being blown about in the breeze around us, his moods and expressions shifted direction swiftly and easily. His presence was so powerful, so enveloping, that it took all of my attention to keep up. To work out when he was teasing, when a smile was just a smile or when it could mean something else. I wondered if it was his job that gave him the confidence and skill to express himself so openly to a stranger. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure if that’s something you could be taught.

I couldn’t fully understand his situation, I wasn’t famous around the world after all. But I did know, all too well, how it was possible to feel completely alone when surrounded by people. What it was like to put on an act, to practice what to say until it sounded natural, and to feel the pressure to behave in a way people expected.

  
  


# Day 28

“Love, there's someone here to see you.” One of the nurses gently lifted the blanket back over my legs as I came around from a sluggish doze.

“If its mom, tell her to go home to bed, she promised to rest,” I replied, but the nurse had already gone.

Pulling myself up into a sitting position was a slow painful procedure, the effort made me want to go back to sleep and the aching made me want to throw up.

Two people approached my bed. “Hello Lara, my name is Andrew and this Jenny, we're here from a charity called DAYS. It was actually your mother who contacted us.” Andrew was a short, rounded sort of man who spoke slowly and clearly in a soft voice. He saw me struggling to sit up so tried to help by putting a pillow behind me.

I waved him away and pushed my face into a smile. “Oh, thanks but I don't need any help.” 

“We understand,” he said, “You're recovering well. Would it be ok for us to tell you a little about ourselves though? Because it may be that down the line, you might need help moving forward, like getting back home or into work.” 

I nodded begrudgingly for him to carry on. It was the easiest way to get rid of them. Sometimes, I could have a whole conversation while thinking about something else entirely.

“We're a support group for people who have been affected by violent crime. A place where you can come to…”

My mind drifted. Great! Another place full of strangers constantly asking how I was. I’d heard it all before. I wasn’t bothered about ‘moving forward.’ I just wanted to be able to move full stop.

Anywhere.

Jenny took up where Andrew left off. “Everyone in the group has faced an event, a Day Zero when our lives were drastically changed, but this can be a new start. A chance to be brave, be honest, and to make all the days that follow count.”

On the surface she seemed a placid lady, her soft grey eyes were gentle and kind. As she told me her story, I saw there was also strength, a determination that came from something buried deep within. She saw through my act, saw the pain that I was hiding. Not because she’d studied it or read my files. She saw it because she had worn the same smiling mask, felt the same pain. With her, there was no point pretending. My eyes swam with tears as she touched my hand briefly before leaving me to rest.


	5. Chapter 5

#  Day 332 - Friday Evening

Theo let go of my hand and we began walking back along the beach in silence. After a few meters, my phone pinged. A text from Olivia.

“Liv said she's 5 minutes away,” I told him. I didn't want the day to end like this.  _ Be brave.  _ I put on a smile. “Should I be worried, that you consider the way we met and our conversations as being normal Theo?”

His shoulders relaxed. “I don't make a habit of knocking over pretty girls in car parks if that's what you're implying.” 

_ Pretty? _

Relieved we were talking again, I felt my nerve returning enough to explain myself. “Look, I’m sorry I overreacted, again. I just, I’m not very good at  _ this. _ ” I sighed, rolling my eyes. Even I didn’t know what I meant by ‘this.’

“No, I’m an idiot,” He argued. “I can be too forward. I crossed a line. Here I am trying to show I've changed and then I go and say that… Old habits…” His voice faded, eyes dipped, a shrug tugging at his shoulders, hands back into pockets.

Theodore Taylor had a reputation to rival Daniel’s. Partying, a rebel, women. I’m sure there had been a rumour about him going to prison? His old habits were no secret; something that seemed to now bother him. None of what I’d heard appeared to match up with the man in front of me. Yes, he was confident, so were most people compared to me lately though. His open and sometimes blunt honesty caught me off guard, and ok, he was a  _ little _ forward. But he had also been incredibly kind and humble. The real reason for my caution had nothing to do with his past. I didn’t want him to blame himself for my bizarre behaviour. 

“Everyone has something about themselves, or in their past they wish could be different,” I kept my voice steady by concentrating on the words themselves, rather than the actual event in my own past which they referred to. “I think, it’s who you’re trying to be that’s more important. And who you want to be in the future.” I threw him a quick grin. “If I thought you were an idiot Theo, I wouldn't have let you get in my car.”

“Well then, I’m glad you did.” He stretched out a hand to help me over a stream of water. I hesitantly took it. “ It’s ok, I’ve got you.”

It was the third time I’d heard him say that phrase, each time it caused a small internal earthquake.  How is it, if love supposedly comes from the heart, why do attraction, butterflies, excitement - all the fun, giggly stuff - always seem to come from your lower stomach? 

After I’d stepped over the water, he held on for a few seconds longer than he needed to.

  
  


“Lara! Oh my God what happened, are you ok?” Olivia was waiting beside my car, the list of questions starting as she ran over to hug me tightly.

She took life in her stride and rarely got anxious. It hurt to see her so upset. Her interrogation continued for a few minutes, I had to keep interrupting to answer before she would ask something else. Eventually, she calmed down, once she was confident I would live. 

“I was so worried.” She held both my hands. “When you said you’d been hurt I was terrified like it was happening all over again.”

Even though Theo hung back a few steps while she greeted me, he was still probably close enough to hear. I quickly shushed her by pulling her into another hug. 

“I’m fine, I promise. There’s someone I want you to meet.”  Brushing golden hair from her face, I put my good arm around her waist and swung her to face Theo, which rendered her speechless. Not something that happened very often.

Seeing the surprise in her watery light blue eyes he jumped in. “Pleasure to meet you, Olivia. Sorry to be the cause of so much worry.” They shook hands, or at least, Theo did. Olivia’s arm was limp so he basically just held her hand for a second.

I swallowed my giggle. “Liv this is Theo, he’s the one who um, bumped into me.”

She turned her head to speak to me but kept her eyes on Theo. “I know who he is! Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Would you have believed me?”

A shrug of the shoulders admitted that no, she wouldn’t have.

Three people emerged from the break tent and headed our way, the woman I recognised as an actress. 

One of the men called out, “Hiya Theo, so is this the poor girl you attacked?”

Theo’s back stiffened as he spun to face them. “Discreet as always Tom.” He seemed obviously annoyed about the story becoming common knowledge.

The man named Tom patted Theo’s shoulder, offering an apology. “The guys were asking where you were and come on, it's a funny story!”

Tom was a little older than the rest of us, he had baby blonde hair and boyish looks but the soft crinkles around his eyes and brow gave his age away. Giving a bright grin, he shook Olivia’s, then my hand with a friendly introduction. A bubbly nature made him instantly likeable, making Theo’s annoyance even more baffling.  _ He didn't want anyone to know about me.  _ Tom went on to introduce the two others as Becca, the actress, and Mason, presumably also an actor judging by the period costume he wore.

“You're local right?” Tom asked. “You must know a good place to go for a drink around here? We haven't had a chance to explore the area yet.” He was looking at me. However, my mind was still grappling for a reason why Theo would be so annoyed.  _ Such a fool! _ Of course, he had just been keeping me sweet. For the first time, I wanted to leave.

Thankfully Olivia answered for me, “Sure. It depends what you like? If you want something fancy you'd have to go into the city. If you don't mind a country pub then our favourite place is just down the road. It's like, tiny and quiet but there’s a big log fire.”

“Tiny and quiet sound perfect to me,” Mason said, a strong Irish accent bringing a smile to everyone’s face. 

Olivia and Tom carried on chatting - she was now giving him directions to the pub - but I couldn't bring myself to look up.

“Everything alright?” A hand on my lower back made me take in a sharp breath and instinctively cross my arms around my waist. Then my lungs filled with spice and earth - Theo. His eyes were on my face, I could feel them trying to read me.

“Fine yeah. We should get out of your hair, let you go--”

“No need to rush.” He cut me off, then said louder to the group, “Hey Tom, rather than getting us all lost because of your terrible memory, why don't we just ask them to join us?” 

I stared at Theo, pulse rising again.

Tom answered with an even larger grin than before. I don't know how, it was already huge. “Great stuff! We'd love to, you owe her a drink.”

Everyone arranged to meet back in five minutes and the group separated. Tom went to fetch May, Mason to change and Becca to get her 'things'. She hadn’t taken to the idea quite so well as the guys, agreeing with only a quick nod of the head. Olivia was staring open-mouthed at Theo, who still had his hand on my back, gentle pressure melting a hole through my skin.

“I'm sorry about Tom,” he said once they were out of earshot. “I told him to keep it quiet, please don't be embarrassed. As you can see they’re all on your side.”

“Oh, I thought you just didn't want anyone to know…” A shiver spread across my back which, of course, he noticed.

“Why would you think that?” He lifted his hand from my back. It was cold without him. “If I wanted to hide what happened I wouldn’t have brought you here.” No, he wouldn't have. _Foolish again_. “If you want to go then I can't stop you, but...” Stepping in front of me, he lowered his voice to avoid Olivia's ears. “I was too forward earlier. Perhaps now I’m not being forward enough.” He took a deep breath. “I enjoy your company Lara and I would like you to come for a drink with us.” Was there a tremor in his voice? Impossible.

When I agreed - with a shaky nod of the head and a feeble ‘ok’ - he didn't say anything, however, remained standing right in front of me, examining me once again. I held my nerve for longer this time, which gave my confidence a ridiculous boost as if I was winning some sort of staring contest. A smile slowly crossed my face from the small victory.

“What  _ are _ you thinking about Miss Quinn?”

“Nothing.” I grinned, biting my bottom lip to stifle a laugh.

“You have to stop doing that.” 

I raised my hand over my mouth, ashamed of how he noticed it again. “I know, it's a bad habit.” 

“No. It's not that…” His voice floated off into a smile as he stepped away and excused himself to fetch a coat. 

I'm no expert; I think he was flirting with me that time.

Definitely.

Possibly.

“Ok what. Was. That?” Olivia turned on me within seconds. Feigning confusion, I asked what she meant. “You know exactly what I mean. You and him. What's going on?” Her jaw dropped so low I worried it was broken.

“Nothing. I… I don't know. It's been a long day, I'll tell you later.”

Before she had a chance to object Tom reappeared with May, who this time greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. It turned out she was Tom’s wife. They were telling us about how they met on the set of his first acting job when the others arrived back at the car park.

Olivia led the way along a narrow lane, through the woodland that ran alongside the river heading inland from the beach. Mason and Charlotte were filling Theo in on the afternoon's progress while Tom quizzed Olivia on all of the best places to visit, from castles to bars and beaches. 

May fell back to join me, linking her arm in mine. “I'm glad to see you again Lara, I want to apologize for earlier, I prejudged you and I shouldn't have.”

I was happy to no longer be under suspicion of being a media spy or a gold digger wanting to sue Theo. “It's ok I understand. Like you said he has to be careful.” I wanted to ask why she also thought Theo was reserved. I didn’t.

Black velvet of a darkening sky slowly draped itself over the hills into the sea. The only light came from the soft orange glow of the street lamps and the occasional star which had broken free from its cloudy prison. Stepping into the pub with its candles and fire burning brought on the same response from each of our group - a shoulder shake and rubbing of hands together - before heading for the table nearest the fire. Apart from the bartender and a table of two others, we had the place to ourselves. Pretty normal for a Friday.

I had been to The Cwtch - cwtch is Welsh for a sort of loving, close cuddle - more times than I could count with my friends. We liked the cosiness. They didn't play loud music like other modern bars, so there was no having to shout out to have a conversation. It also helped that the owner and his family were lovely and the local drinks were cheap. Now, I realised how shabby the place must have seemed to our guests, who were probably used to visiting fine dining restaurants and the type of fancy bars in London that had guest lists. I didn’t miss those kinds of places.

Gravitating toward my usual worn leather armchair by the side of the fire, I settled down and took off my coat. Meanwhile, Theo pulled another armchair from a second table so he could sit next to me, even though there were quite obviously enough chairs for everyone around the other side of the fire. Butterflies returned. The imprint of his hand still pulsed on my back.

Tonight, Ioan, the owner’s oldest son, was the bartender. He came over when he recognised Olivia and I. “Hiya Liv, Lara, how's it going? The usual?” 

Olivia replied for the both of us and asked for menus. He returned quickly, and by the look on his face, was trying desperately to remember why the new visitors seemed familiar.

“Diolch Ioan.” I said, taking a drinks menu.

“Dee olk?” Theo quietly copied the Welsh word.

“It means thank you.”

He repeated it again, making me laugh as his face contorted in the attempt to mimic the new Welsh sounds. We started going through other words as well as place names and how to pronounce different letters. I watched closely as he reacted to everything I said, his eyes always following mine. Sometimes he would laugh, touch my shoulder or my arm and for a few jittery seconds, my voice would become a tone higher.

“How come you know the language so well but hardly have an accent then?” He asked.

I told myself to relax.  __ I had to talk about myself at some point, I could answer that without any danger. “I grew up not far from here. I learned Welsh at school but moved away after college when I got a job in London. I guess the accent slipped a little. I only came back last year.” That was dangerous, I’d left the way open for him to ask why I moved back.

I swiftly changed the subject.

Over the following hour, the group relaxed into a comfortable chatter, a burst of laughter here and there at Tom and May's tales of being in 'the industry' and it’s backstage goings-on. Even Ioan had joined us and was engrossed in football talk with Mason. The only one who wasn't entirely comfortable was Becca. She remained quiet, rarely engaging with anyone, except Theo. A few times I spotted her making excuses to talk to him or to try and get closer. Each time he would quickly return to the chair by my side. I tried to hide my smile. I didn’t have a reason to be smiling. Although never rude, he seemed keen to keep her at arm’s length.

  
  


“Guys I hate to be boring and old but we have a very early start tomorrow.” May yawned and we all agreed sadly, it was time to go.

Theo helped me again with my coat. Saying goodbye was already making me anxious. Song lyrics rushed through my head as I tried to prepare something to say.

“Lara, I almost forgot,” Ioan called as we were leaving. “Are you back with the band tomorrow?”

I glanced briefly towards the door. Theo stood holding it open for me, head tilted to the side, raised eyebrow, little smile. 

“I'm not sure, I don't really play much these days,” I answered.

“Ar that's a shame, the folks here, we've all missed you. Would be lovely to see you anyway though.” Ioan said hopefully.

Like most of the locals, he knew why I had come home.

“Thanks,” I said, “Maybe I'll come to watch. Send my love to the family.” Touched by his genuine concern, I gave him a quick hug before ducking under Theo's arm out into the cold night.

The others had already started walking back up the lane leaving us a few meters behind.

“So…” Theo said, by my side again, closer than before so our arms kept brushing together. “Do I sense another surprise coming?”

“I don't know, do you?” I teased, dodging the question. Either it was the alcohol or his confidence rubbing off on me that fuelled my newfound courage. I jumped a step ahead, turning to face him, walking backwards. “I didn't have you pegged as an eavesdropper Mr Taylor. I shall have to add it to your list of talents.”

“I have a list?”

“Maybe,” I said with a smirk. “But don't get excited, it's a small list.”

It was difficult to keep my cool when his playful expression turned my knees to soft jelly. The last thing I wanted to do was fall over right in front of him. Again. I could have sworn his hand reached out to brush mine as I returned to his side.

“Hmm, so I'm 'not such a bad actor' with a 'small list' of talents?” He made bunny ear gestures in the air to exaggerate the quotes. “Damn, you are a harsh critic. I didn't have  _ you _ pegged as having a mean side Lara.” A flash of a smile, flick of his eyelashes. “It only makes me more curious.” Fortunately, the darkness hid my blushing. “So… come on? You're in a band? Or are you going to make me turn up tomorrow to find out?”

A flutter of energy shot down my spine at the idea of seeing him again. “It's not anything that exciting.” Why was I talking him out of it? “Olivia's brother and a few friends have a band, they play here every month or so just for fun. Covers of popular stuff, rock classics, some old jazz - whatever people request or we fancy having a go at really.” 

“And you used to play with them? Musician or singer?” 

“I play the piano. Occasionally if they’re desperate I’ll sing but I'm not great.”

“Modesty,” he said, “Another thing to add to  _ your _ list, Miss Quinn. I told you. One surprise after another.”

His smile made my entire body tingle like feathers dancing across my skin.

Thankfully he didn't ask about why I’d stopped playing. I couldn’t remember the last time I told someone so much about myself all in one go, especially not after just meeting them. Wondering how much he could read between my lines was worrying. One thing I’d learned over the last year was that the most common human response to any statement was 'why?' or 'how come?' Hence the reason I hated talking about myself. His careful questions, or sometimes lack of them completely, felt deliberate and considered. He must have picked up on my self-consciousness _. _

Or he wasn’t that interested after all.

Back at the car park, May insisted I keep the clothes she had given me and Tom, with a wink in Theo's direction, said he hoped to me again soon. I tried not to read into it. Sweat built under my collar.

Eventually , it was just Olivia, Theo and I left. He hugged her and thanked her again for coming to fetch me. I waited behind, wanting to stretch out every last second I had, frantically still thinking of how to thank him.

“Umm I'll like, go get the car warmed up.” Olivia may as well have said 'I’ll leave you two alone.' Subtlety was not her strong point.

Theo smiled into the ground, taking a step closer to me as she walked away.

I wound the edge of my jacket through my fingers. “I don't know where to start. Or how to thank you, today has been, well it's been a lot of things...”

“Please don't thank me.” Another step closer. “You seem to be forgetting about this.” He gently lifted my strapped up wrist,  filling my arm with some kind of warm fluttery liquid. I dropped the jacket and let my fingers slide between his. “You were incredibly brave the way you tackled me. And the way you handled yourself with Steven. I twisted my ankle not long ago and screamed like a baby.” Raising his free hand and moving closer again he began tracing the lines on my palm. 

_ Breathe Lara _ . “Actually I'd forgotten all about it. I've felt worse…” I shuddered, my voice cracking as a memory seeped through. Shaking it off I carried on, “Despite that, honestly, I love period dramas so to see a set and behind the scenes, and even get a guided tour from an incredibly…” Kind? Hot? Thrilling? “Talented actor has been kind of a dream come true.”

He continued to draw invisible circles onto my skin, tilted his head and gave a low laugh, a rumble in his chest, close enough for me to feel his breath. “Ah, so I do have  _ one _ good talent at least.”

Dark eyes looked up to meet mine for a then slowly drifted down my face towards my mouth.  _ I’m not ready for this _ . I couldn't run away. I didn’t want to run away.

Our noses touched. “Well then,” he whispered, “While I’m on a roll of making your dreams come true, is there anything else I can do?” 

_Oh hell yes!_ Panic then filled my veins again as the warmth from his skin connected with mine. _Be brave._ He was being forward again. I wasn’t afraid of him. _Be honest._ Leaning forward onto tiptoes I felt his chest inhale and his grip on my hands tighten.

I put my lips to his ear. “I could probably think of a few things, but I'm not that kind of girl Mr Taylor.”

I kissed him on the cheek, turned, and took the last few steps to my car. Opening the door I looked back at him for one final time. He stood where I’d left him, a smile spreading over his impossibly gorgeous face.

  
  


###  _ Wildest Dreams -Taylor Swift. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read and commented so far!  
> It really does mean so much x
> 
> If you're enjoying the story, then over on my instagram > @byellejayce < you'll find   
> pictures of the characters and the inspiration behind the settings etc.
> 
> Elle xxx


	6. Chapter 6

# Day 333 - Saturday

The journey home the previous night had been surprisingly quiet. I think I was in shock. Olivia had stared at me when I got in the car, but I’d promised to explain later. I headed downstairs after a sleepless night and went straight for the coffee pot; it was already full and Olivia was already sitting on one of the barstools next to it. Any minute now the surge of questions would start. Most of which I wouldn't know how to answer.

“Ok. Tell. Me. _Everything._ From the beginning,” she said, without even so much as a good morning.

So I did, hoping it would also help me to make sense of it all. It had the opposite effect. Describing the events out loud and the 'connection' I had felt with Theo made me sound, and feel, ridiculous. Chemistry only happened in books or films right? Real-life didn't work that way.

“Who says it doesn't? Like, it’s unusual. Not everyone can survive what you did either but it happened.” Olivia’s logic was a little off but I knew what she meant. “So anyway, we got back to the car and?” She prodded me to continue. 

I could still feel Theo’s hands around mine while I replayed our last conversation, the static of his fingers gliding over my palm, the electricity as he leaned in… just thinking about it made me nervous all over again. “I must have read it all wrong.”

“No, trust me,” she said, “From where I was sitting, he like, definitely leaned in.” 

“Argh, then why didn't I just kiss him? I’m crazy! What was I thinking?”

She poured us another coffee. “Would you kiss any other guy the day you met him?” 

“You know I wouldn't.”

“Exactly. So I'm proud of you girl for sticking to your guns. But then again...” She wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “This is Theodore Taylor, the rich and famous, gorgeous hunk we're talking about sooooo yeah, maybe a little crazy.” She giggled and gave my shoulders a squeeze. My head sunk onto the table. “I'm sorry hun. But look at the positives. It was good to like, see you looking so chilled and confident. I've missed you Larlar.”

Oliva could never pronounce my name properly as a child so always called me LarLar - yes, as in the Teletubbies - and the name stuck. 

She slapped her hands on the table. “No more hiding from now on ok, let’s have some fun tonight!”

I missed the old Lara too. I wished I knew how to get her back.

When I say the day dragged. I mean, it _really_ dragged. I added the shells Theo had found into my jar and stared at them for a while, my mind going over and over what I could have said or done better. I kicked myself for the cheesy jokes. And for not kissing Theo. I wasn’t that kind of girl, but I could have been. Maybe. 

For a day.

Or even a weekend.

  
  


###  _Blank Space - Taylor Swift_

  
  
  


My little house was fit to bursting. Guitars covered the sofas. Speakers, cables and other various bits of equipment were spread across the rug and wooden floors. Plus, then there were the band members themselves. Olivia’s brother Greg the drummer, his girlfriend Sarah the lead singer, Alex the bassist and finally Caleb the lead guitarist. Olivia announced to them that I would be coming along to the gig. I couldn’t remember agreeing to that for definite, but admittedly, I was looking forward to it.

“Operation ‘Get Back Out There’ starts now,” she chorused. Everyone stopped to listen when I asked her what she was on about. “It’s about you having fun. Besides _he_ might be there.” Grinning, she drew out the word 'he' which of course, sparked more interest and questions from the others. “Just this unbelievable guy she met yesterday who was _totally_ into her.” She teased, flipping long hair over her shoulder.

“Since when do we live in an American teen movie? He was not _'totally’_ into me at all.” I mimicked her tone. “And thanks, I’ll never have secrets with you around. You may as well tell them now, not that they'll believe you.” I grabbed her into a playful headlock, messing up her hair on my way to the kitchen to fetch drinks.

“Don't worry,” she whispered, “I won't tell them _all_ the details.”

She may have some annoying habits but when it came down to it, she knew me, and where to draw the line. She also knew I would find it a lot easier for her to explain rather than going over it all again myself.

Waiting for the kettle to boil, I kept telling myself she was being ridiculous, of course, Theo wouldn't be at the gig. The idea ignited a dangerous hope in my chest. Every time I tried to blow it out, it only came back brighter.

I wore my best jeans, favourite leather jacket and put on red lipstick. Only because, you know, it had been a while since I'd been on a night out. Not for Theo.

He would be able to remember where The Cwtch was, wouldn't he?

Not that it mattered. He wasn't coming.

What if he did though?

  
  


By the time we arrived at The Cwtch, it was already packed. Every 1st Saturday of the month our sleepy little hideaway transformed into an explosion of life and sound. Large bi-fold doors in the cosy sitting room were opened out onto a courtyard garden and stage, tripling the amount of space. Excitement grew audibly among the audience. I could still remember the addictive rush of nerves and adrenaline that came before a performance; the buzz in your fingertips, the pulse of energy in your body. 

We all tracked backwards and forwards, unloading Caleb's van, walking each piece of equipment through a small side gate, ducking under the cherry blossoms that surrounded it, into the courtyard and onto the stage. It was a long time since I had willingly volunteered to be somewhere so crowded. I spotted quite a few familiar faces, some came to ask how I was doing or to awkwardly welcome me home. Others stared with hushed whispers being exchanged behind raised hands. I cleared my throat and kept my head down.

“Glad to have you with us.” Greg smiled as he crouched next to me on the stage, plugging in the guitars. “Sure you don't wanna join us? We could do with some backing vocals on the last few songs, all stuff you know. Have a think about it yeah? You look great by the way, I hope he shows up.” With a pat on my head, he went off to arrange the drums.

I loved my friends so much for not giving up on me, for the times they forgave me when I snapped or pushed them away. They really had missed me; it broke my heart to see how difficult the last year must have been for them too. They accepted me back without question, even though I was a changed person. Still, they sometimes watched me like I was about to break or breakdown at any minute.

Olivia and I pulled a small table into a corner of the garden, at the side of the stage, where we sang and danced along in safety away from the main crowd. I didn't particularly want to find out how an elbow to my damaged muscles would feel. Occasionally, I caught a glimpse of a tall man with dark hair and the air would become hot in my chest, but it was never him. _Come on, it was never going to be him_. I felt like a fool again, angry at myself for hoping.

Dancing mellowed into head bobbing as the evening slowed down. The band finished off the pop songs and moved onto some slower rock ballads. Caleb absolutely wowed everyone with his timeless _Bryan Adams - Everything I Do_ guitar solo. Greg waved for me to join in when they came to the last song. _Be brave_. Jenny's voice and the DAYS motto ran through my head. With a push - literally - from Olivia, I approached the stage.

Sarah screamed when she saw me coming. “Yes! She's in, Larlar’s back.”

My eyes blurred, threatening tears when the pub owner and his family, including Ioan, and some of the crowd started to cheer and call my name. Although their support was overwhelming, it was terrifying how many people actually recognised me. I wiped sweaty, trembling fingers on my jeans then took a microphone from Sarah.

“We got this,” she said firmly. No arguments.

I grinned back. “Hell yeah.”

Caleb kicked into the opening riff of _ACDC’s Highway To Hell_. He always liked to go out on a high.

  
  


“Oooh wow, that was amazing. Thank you for making me do this guys… I. Can't. Breath!” I stood on the stage surrounded by the band and Olivia, being crushed in a massive group bear hug. My hands still shook with excitement, my cheeks were flushed from smiling, my chest burned from laughing and my throat was raw; I didn't want it to end.

We randomly burst into fits of giggles as we packed up. People began drifting away. Some went back into the warmth for a last drink, others ducked out of the gate onto the lane. Movement in the corner of my eye sent my heart racing even higher. A man in a baseball cap lent against the gate, I couldn't make out his face in the dark, half-hidden by the cherry tree, but I could tell he was watching me. He stepped forward into the faintest patch of light coming from the windows before nodding his head toward the gate, turning, and going out onto the lane. The jawline, the way he walked - long slow strides - it was him. It had to be him. That nod... he wanted me to follow, he _knew_ I would follow. Without a second thought I dropped the cables I was winding up and ran for the gate. 

The lane was empty.

I clamped my hands to my aching stomach muscles and bent double as my tired body fought against the exhaustion of a long week, finished off by the sudden sprint. Combined with that, my stupidity and disappointment made me want to collapse on the floor.

“Looking for someone?”

A voice came from behind me like a distant rumble of thunder.

“Theo?” I spun around to see him tucked behind the gate and gasped, half in surprise, half due to the sharp throb now developing in my back. One hand clutched my side, the other covered my mouth, hiding my grimace as I panted for breath.

“Didn't mean to startle you again,” he said, “But, despite the risk of being tackled to the floor, I had to see you.” 

I thought I’d imagined it, exaggerated and got swept away by the way we met, but hell he was gorgeous. All I could do was stand, speechless, shivering as I swallowed back the worsening ache in my lower body. 

Walking closer, he tilted the cap back to show his eyes but kept the collar of his coat pulled up to shield his face. “I should have said hello sooner but it is a lot busier here than I expected. Hey, you were fantastic by the way. Your voice is so...” He was only a foot away from me now. He blinked, smile dissolving. “Lara, what’s wrong?”

Even in the dim street lights, I must have looked pale, the blood had drained from my face and my hands were cold. I made an effort to straighten, putting my hands on my hips to hold myself up.

My voice came out in small bursts of air. “Sorry… just with the singing,” I lied, “Dancing, running, then surprise… stitch, that’s all.”

Crinkles appeared at the side of his eyes as he squinted, not quite convinced by my answer. He carried on though, “It seems you’re a celebrity around here Miss Quinn.”

“Ha me? No.” My head shook more frantically than a nodding dog on a bumpy road. “Welsh people are just like that you know. Very friendly. I grew up around here, everyone knows everyone.” I lied again. Not completely. Not the whole truth either.

Google my name - Yes, ok, I’ve done it - and the first few results are for the construction company but you only have to scroll to the bottom of the page to find the news articles and court case reports. Although details had been removed, it didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened or to realise that the ‘Lara Quinn of David Quinn Construction’ and the ‘Lara Quinn, attacked while at work on a building site in London’ was actually the same person. And unfortunately, people _did_ talk. Privacy was a luxury that had been stolen away. A feeling, it occurred to me, Theo would probably understand.

Taking a final step closer, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders pulling me into a hug, smiling and whispering, “Hello again Lara.” 

I couldn’t reach his broad shoulders without stretching - which hurt too much - so I returned the hug by holding my arms around his waist, letting my aching body rest against his chest. His clothes smelt fresh and soapy with the addition of log smoke and sea salt.

I failed to mask my happiness. “It's really you?” How long could I get away with holding him for? After a second I tore myself away. “You've been here the whole time?”

“I assure you it’s me. And yes, I have.” Reflecting my excitement, he broke into a deep laugh then took a quick glance around, pulled the cap back down, collar back up, seemingly nervous to be out in public.

Personally, I couldn’t see the point of his disguise, even when trying to hide I thought he stood out in a crowd. He moved with a determined sort of elegance. You would never guess that secretly he worried so much of what people thought about him.

“I am impressed.” He nodded. “Your band is amazing, with great taste in music. Yet again you surprise me.”

I batted away his compliment with an eye roll. “It’s not _my_ band but I agree they’re amazing.” Pain easing, my grin returned. “I just can’t believe… what are you doing here?”

“Well, I’m not good with rejection and after the way you left me yesterday.” He chuckled as I pressed my face into my hands. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you Lara.”

A part of my insides, hopefully not anything too important, disintegrated.

“Arrrgh I don’t know what came over me,” I said, “I panicked and that was a stupid thing to say, I’m so sorry.” Yup, stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He fixed me in a deep stare, gently holding my arms just above my elbows, voice soft. “I’m going to tell you something and please, don’t take this the wrong way but, would you stop apologizing to me? Don’t make the mistakes I did, by letting people convince you that you have to fit in with a certain way of thinking or behaving. You’re not that kind of girl, and that’s ok. It definitely wasn’t stupid. It was actually pretty...” Uptight? Old fashioned? He took a breath, “Attractive.”

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from giggling like a tipsy lunatic. (Not the look I wanted.) His smile faded and his breathing deepened when he saw what I was doing.

I lightly pushed his shoulder. “Stop looking at me like that I can't think.” 

Snapping out of his intensity he grinned, then scrunched his face into an overdramatic scowl. “Better?”

I could just about manage the word 'no' through my laughter until the motion became painful again and I had to grip my sides. He put his hands on top of mine, the power of his touch anchoring me to the spot. I’m not sure how long we stood like that - time seemed to stop - before Greg called me from the gate. Theo instinctively released my hands to check his cap.

I assured him he was safe, although maybe I spoke too soon; Greg instantly went into big brother protection mode. “Lara? You disappeared?”

“It’s all good, I just, I...” 

I looked back to Theo, telepathically asking him what to say. Would he want anyone else to know he was there? He read my expression, turned and held out a hand to Greg who shook it as if he’d just been handed the crown jewels.

“Hey, nice to meet you, I’m Theo. Great night, I was just telling Lara how impressed I am with the band.”

“Hi, wow, thanks man, that means a lot! Wow. I’m a fan of your stuff too. Um…” Greg, shifted from foot to foot. It was taking a lot of effort for him to remain calm. He was actually a _very big_ fan. “We were all gonna head off now unless you two wanna get a drink yeah?” He looked hopefully towards Theo, including him in the invitation.

“Thank you, but I won't keep you,” Theo answered. “It's a clear forecast for tomorrow so we have another early start to catch some sunrise shots.” 

At least the excuse was genuine. My mood still sank. 

“That sounds amazing,” I tried not to show any disappointment at how little time I’d spent with him. “Apart from the getting up at four a.m part.”

Theo turned his attention back to me. “Hmm yes, I’m not a morning person. So I have to get going only, after you put your number in here...” He passed me a phone from his pocket.

Taking it sent my fingers numb. If he wanted my number then that meant he wanted to see me again. Didn’t it? I almost forgot my own number so read it through a few times before handing it back. He called it until we heard a ring coming from my own back pocket. (A Taylor Swift song, of course.)

“Just checking you weren't trying to dodge me again Miss Quinn.”

“Oh, as if I'd do that to you?” My insides were a churning mess of butterflies and jelly, which then became a furnace when he kissed my cheek.

“Goodnight Lara.”

“Goodnight Theo.”

A tight curl of hair behind his right ear caught my attention as he waved goodbye to Greg. I stood watching it while he walked away - my hands still trembling - fading into the darkness.

  
  


Five of us were squashed into Olivia’s car on the way home when Greg brought up about meeting Theo. It took him all of six seconds, to be fair, that was five more seconds than I’d expected.

“So like, he now has your number? Please tell me you gave it to him?” Olivia's excited face watched me through the rearview mirror.

Greg answered for me, “Yes, she gave him her number, keep up. Woah, he was so cool you know? And he loved the band!”

“Love, we know, you told us ten times already.” Sarah shook her head. “Calm down fanboy or you'll make me jealous.” She dug a teasing elbow into his ribs which he tried to dodge, shoving me roughly into the door in the process.

He apologised and shuffled up to give me more space. “Ok ok ok, no matter how starstruck I am, I can be serious. Lara.” He looked at me, sighed, put a hand on my knee. “Please be careful yeah? We don't really know anything about him.”

Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t disagree. I _felt_ Theo was being honest with me, but that's all it was; a feeling. He could be acting, making sure I wasn't going to claim for the accident. There was also the question of his past reputation and all the stories about his self confessed ‘old habits.’ Could they be what he alluded to when he mentioned making ‘mistakes?' Were _all_ the rumours true? If yes, it meant he was probably after something more than a conversation. 

Something I would definitely not be giving.

Alex piped up. “I’d say we know more about him than a random bloke you’d meet at the pub. If there's anyone who deserves to have some fun then it's you Lara.” Three pairs of eyes stared at the back of his head, even Olivia took her eyes off the road to give him a surprised look.

Alex rarely gave his opinion on anything, let alone personal matters. When he did, then he was normally the head of reason. Being a few years older than the rest of us, married with two children, his subdued nature saw him take on the dad role in our group. He had joined the band just as I was leaving for London so I only met him a few times. After I came home he would visit me in the hospital several times a week, even after a long day at work, sometimes to just sit and watch TV or read to me. Usually, he could be found with his head in a book and apart from when he was playing the guitar, he barely made a sound. But he was always there, dependable and steady. So for him to suggest I throw caution to the wind and have 'fun' was quite a revelation.

A few seconds of stunned silence later, he ruffled his hair then elaborated. “You deserve to find someone, to have the house and the kids you always used to talk about. But that means you're’ gonna get your heartbroken, probably a few times until you find…” With an eye roll, he air quoted, “ _The one.’_ I’m not saying he is the one, but if he likes you, let him take you out and spoil you. There's no pressure or strings attached because he’ll soon be gone and you'll have one extraordinary story for the grandkids.”

We were all taken aback by how deadly serious and well thought out his plan was.

Relationships were a big deal to me though. They always had been but especially since… since Day Zero. I couldn’t do ‘no strings.’ The whole point of being with someone was to be able to open up, make connections, share your life. I wanted strings.

“I can't argue with that.” Greg nodded. “And if he does mess you around then I don't care who he is, I'll sort him out.” The whole carload erupted into hysterics at the image of Greg - placid, soft-hearted, couldn’t win a fight against his younger sister Greg - trying to sort out the six-foot-plus Theo.

It was the thought that counted. Bless.

“None of you has to worry,” I said. “Or sort anyone out because nothings going to happen. He’s just being kind.” They all gave me a ‘yeah whatever’ look which I laughed off. 

As Alex said, Theo would be gone soon anyway. 

I did enjoy his company though…

“Fine look, you're right,” I agreed. “I can have fun. So, if he calls, I'll answer. If he wants to meet up, I'll say yes. One step at a time.”

_Be brave, be honest, make all the days count._ I chanted the line to myself, turned the music up and tried to believe my own words.

  
  


###  _Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne_

*** THEO ***

Further along the coast road from the film set was a holiday park, now being used as a temporary home for all the cast and crew. On the weekends it was always quiet as most of the workers would go home to be with friends or family. It was easy to spot the occupied caravans at night; faint flickers of colourful light from TV screens snuck through thin curtains.

Phillip Young stomped into Theo’s caravan without knocking, roughly wiped his shoes and dropped an envelope containing the latest additions to the script onto the small dining table.

“Where’ve you been? I came over earlier to bring you this.”

He was a short, solid man in his fifties. He looked older. Years of long hours, strong drinks and expensive cigars had not done him any favours.

“Sorry mate I forgot, I only went down the road.” Theo used the term 'mate' loosely. 

They had never become mates even after working together for some time. There was a harsh and ruthless edge to Phillip’s personality that never sat right with Theo. However, he was one of the best agents in the business and carried a lot of influence, which was why Theo needed him. As long as Theo kept paying Phillip then he could trust him. To do his job at least.

“Please tell me you didn't go see that girl?” Philip snorted.

Theo turned away to hide his annoyance, poured himself a drink and imagined being somewhere calm and cool. Somewhere like the beach, picking out shells with Lara. “I didn't realize it was such a problem.”

“Come on mate. The reason I took this job, remember? We made a deal; you focus on doing your job. No distractions. I'll handle her, ‘cus one false move and how do you think this turns out?” His voice rose to match his frantic gestures, a finger waving toward Theo's face. “With you as the headline story again, that's how - Theodore Taylor assaults a woman and attempts a cover-up by seducing her.”

“Enough.” Theo stepped forward.

Phillip took an unconscious step backwards. 

Theo rarely lost his temper, he knew how to handle himself. He also knew he wouldn't listen to another word said about Lara. 

“I have done everything you asked of me," Theo continued, "I have said what you want, when you want it, to whoever you want. All I've done is work my ass off for you and yes, I am grateful for your help with my situation. Although, lately it seems there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.” His breathing hastened as months of bottled-up frustration and hurt bubbled to the surface. “I am tired of being everyone's puppet. I want to have a real conversation with a real person, in real life.” He slammed the empty glass in his hand onto the table to make sure Phillip got the point.

Phillip attempted to sound caring, “Theo, mate, I get it you're a young guy and it's been a tough year, you want to have some fun. But this is a tough business. At least let me look her up.”

“Don't. I don't want to know anything about her unless _she_ tells me. For once would you please trust me? She's genuine.”

She was. She had to be.

“Whatever you say, it's your decision.” Philip raised his hands in surrender. “Don't say I didn’t warn you.”

Before even reaching the door Phillip was on his phone, typing 'Lara Quinn' into the search engine.

  
  


# Day Zero

Jeff released his grip on my arm as he pulled back the knife. I fell to my knees. Shock overtook my body, turning unimaginable pain into a numb daze as my eyes started to blackout around the edges.

Someone laughed in the distance.

His foot came into view first, stepping on my hand as he walked around to face me. Scrambling up the kitchen counter, I used the strength in my arms to pull myself up, my legs didn’t want to work, my feet were bent awkwardly underneath me. The only thought in my mind was to get away from him, to find help. If I could just make it to the road…

I worked my way agonisingly across the office. Papers, folders and pots of pens fell to the floor as my arms dragged across the desks, using them to support my weight while I desperately focused on the door. Jeff was following me. I could feel his shadow, dark and empty. I put pressure on my back and felt my hand becoming wet. _How can it be raining in here?_ The rain felt warm and sticky. Stumbling over some wires I sent a whole computer crashing to the floor. Again someone laughed.

Laughter is a strange thing; it can be one of the happiest sounds, like a baby gurgling or a group of friends having fun. Change the tone just ever so slightly and it becomes terrifying, evil. A wave of dizzy sickness almost brought me back to my knees.

Just a few more steps to the door... I stretched out for the handle, my blood-soaked hand slipping as I tried to turn it open. 

“Where'd ya think your goin darling?” Jeff distorted the words through his wheezy smokers croak. 

My heavy body slid down the door onto the floor. He was just a few feet away and coming closer.

“No. Jeff please!” It was a useless plea. I sobbed for help but there was no one around to hear me.


	7. Chapter 7

# Day 334 - Sunday

When the first glimmers of light appeared at the window, I was already awake. Not even the birds had stirred yet. I lay motionless - duvet wrapped tightly around me right up to my nose like a toasty human sausage roll - questioning whether last night had all been a dream. It was somehow easier to believe it was. I started counting the lantern-shaped fairy lights that hung across the wall above my bed, already knowing there were 18. I’d counted them a million times before.

I lived about twenty minutes from town, forty from the coast. My parents lived a few streets away. Mom was disappointed I hadn't moved back in with them when I came home, but she understood why. I wasn't the same person that left a few years before, so having my own place was important. I was coming back, not stepping backwards.

The house was a wreck when I brought it, that's how I could afford it. Before moving in it was gutted and refurbished from top to bottom. Except for a small office, the ground floor got knocked into an open plan kitchen, living and dining space, complete with a floor to ceiling glass door that opened onto the long, thin back garden. I planned and managed everything myself while in hospital. At the time, having a project was the only thing that made me want to wake up each morning. I would surround myself in the comforting, safe world of building plans, floor layouts, and my favorite books filled with samples of paint colors, wallpapers and fabrics. When it was finished, Daniel refused to let me pay for any of the work. 'Consider it as a get well gift from the company' he’d said. 

I think that was the first time I let myself cry in front of anyone other than my parents or doctors since Day Zero. 

Getting up and down the stairs was tricky and painful at first, so I agreed Olivia could stay with me for a while, only until I got my strength back. Nearly a year later and she was still around. We got on so well that after a few months, we made it permanent; she desperately wanted to move out from her mom’s place anyway, and I was secretly glad of the company.

A buzz from my phone jolted me back into consciousness. I must have dozed off. Reaching for the bedside table I grabbed the phone and pulled my arm back into the warmth of my duvet roll without opening my eyes. I squinted at the bright light of '1 New Message.’ 

Gravity briefly disappeared when my eyes focused on the name.

**“Good morning Miss Quinn. I appreciate that contacting you this soon and this early goes against every code of texting, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I hope your wrist is feeling better? Sincerely, Theo.x PS - Again, great show last night. I’m glad you were there. And your voice… wow.”**

I re-read the text about ten times before letting out a small squeal and kicking my legs up and down. Stumbling out of bed, I threw on a dressing gown and ran to Olivia's door.

“Liv, you decent? I'm coming in.” I was still knocking on the door as I walked through it. “Liv I need your help. He text me!” 

That woke her up. She lifted her head from under the duvet, half her face covered by a veil of gold blonde hair, remnants of last night's eyeliner smudged across her cheek.

“He's what? Already?” She rolled over to make room on the bed, her voice croaky from all the singing. I jumped in, cuddled up to her mountain of purple pillows and read the message out.

“Why's he calling you Miss Quinn?” She scrunched up her pale face.

“I dunno, it's kind of a thing… the 007 joke remember?”

Coming around slowly, she rubbed her big eyes - smudging more eyeliner - then asked for the phone to see for herself. “What time is it?”

“Nearly nine.”

After a few minutes, she nodded her head. “He's good. He like, somehow manages to be respectful, funny and flirty.” 

“And all with impeccable grammar and punctuation,” I added.

She pushed the phone back into my hands with a grin. “Trust you to notice that.”

I started smiling, then we both screamed, pulled the duvet over our heads and kicked our legs, bursting into laughter like we used to.

In our school days, we would have sleepovers and talk about the boys we fancied while drinking Lambrini - the only alcohol our mothers would allow - and eating Maltesers to the sounds of Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys.

My lungs were at bursting point. “What do I say? Oh, I'm no good at this.”

“You don't need my help hun, whatever you've been doing already is obviously working. Be yourself.”

Be yourself. It’s a common statement that was supposed to encourage and instill confidence, as if ‘being yourself’ was an easy answer. It wasn’t.

I mumbled into a cushion, “What if I’m not sure who that is.” 

She clamped her hands on my shoulders, forcing me to make eye contact. “You're the same big-hearted, crazy and beautiful best friend that you've always been, and if he can't see how amazing you are then he's an idiot. A hot idiot,” she laughed, “But still an idiot.”

Words failed me so I kissed her on the forehead. I left her room heading for the kitchen with the promise to make breakfast and let her know how I replied.

**“Mr Taylor, You are quite right, it was very early to be texting, especially on a Sunday and therefore violates numerous codes. However, nothing so far about…”**

Our relationship? No, I couldn’t say that, heavy word. _Overthinking._

**“…the way we met could be referred to as conventional, so why change things now? My wrist is already much better thank you. How was the sunrise? Regards, Lara.x”**

I wrote out several versions before hitting send with a lump in my throat.

Then I quickly added:

**“PS. I’m glad you were there too. Lara.x”**

To stop myself watching the phone, I started cleaning the house. It was a task I enjoyed when anxious; simple enough to do when your head was in a daze, absorbing enough that you forgot your worries. Probably why my house was always spotless. 

He replied twenty minutes later when I was vacuuming the sofa.

**“Lara, you are correct, highly unconventional but no... I would not change a thing. The sunrise was beautiful, in fact, you can blame it for my texting so early - the vivid blue of the sea reminded me of your eyes. Theo.x”**

First my voice, now my eyes… all the compliments were sending me into orbit. Thank goodness it was only Henry the Hover who witnessed my excited dance.

My almond shaped Irish blue / green eyes were inherited from Mom. I liked the way the outside corners lifted up to a point, it made me look smiley all the time. Early on after Day Zero, I discovered that looking happy reduced the amount of ‘how are you doing’ questions, so I had practiced the art of smiling continually, even when my face hurt and all I wanted to do was cry.

**“I’m glad we can agree. The sunsets are amazing there too… It’s as though the sea catches on fire. Make sure you get a chance to see one. Lara.x”**

I mentally kicked myself for not including a question for him to answer.

He replied anyway:

**“You'll have to show me the best spot to watch one. T.x”**

Was that an invitation?

Over the rest of the day, we continued to text back and forth, never more than an hour between each message. I didn’t get much done around the house after all, I was constantly waiting for the next message, then worrying if it took longer than usual. By the time I got to bed, I must have sent more messages in one day than I normally did in a week. 

His last message came just after ten p.m:

**“I would really love to keep you up… But I realize Miss Quinn that you have work in the morning so I should let you go. Speak to you tomorrow? T.x”**

I wasn’t exactly well educated or experienced when it came to text flirting or any kind of flirting for that matter, but I think his first sentence was meant to be a tease. Hell, I hoped it was.

**“Tomorrow it is then Mr Taylor, I will hold you to it… Goodnight Theo. x”**

**“Please do... Goodnight Lara. x”**

Woah. He was good. Subtle. But good.

On the spur of the moment, I then text Jenny:

**“Hi Jenny. I've changed my mind, put me down for the first dates thing :) why not! See you soon Lara.x”**

**“Fantastic my love! We'll arrange a meet up soon x see you at the meeting. xxx”**

The next morning, Theo’s text arrived before I got to work. We carried on like that every day for the rest of the week.

  
  


###  _I Really Like You - Carly Rae Jepsen_

# Day Zero 3

A sharp tug of my collar pulled me across the floor, away from the door. Jeff started laughing again as he stood over me. Pain in my back spread outwards, sending daggers along my nerves into my chest. My legs jolted and twitched. He kneeled over me, a leg each side of my hips pinning me down. The knife was still in his hand. Long, jagged like a bread knife and covered in dark red blood. My blood.

Throwing my arms around and clawing at his face, I screamed, emptying my lungs over and over until I choked on my own tears and my throat burned from the effort. He got fed up with my fighting and plunged the knife in again, this time into my stomach.

Instead of my body reeling like the first time, it became limp. My arms thumped onto the floor beside me at odd angles. Even my eyes became fixed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I could hear my breath slowing, it didn't sound like mine - gargled and shallow. Slowly, he pulled back the knife. I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain and yet feel so numb, so unaware of anything at all. Blurred blackness encroached on my vision, my eyes wanted to close.

His hands pressed onto my chest, pushing any air that was left out of my lungs. The last of my remaining consciousness stirred up visions of my parents' faces, a policeman knocking their beautifully shiny blue door that was always surrounded by flowers, my mom collapsing to the floor as they were told how I died. I wouldn't let that happen to them. I wouldn't.

_There has to be something._ Scouring around the floor like frantic crabs in sand, my hands scavenging for anything I could use. Icy hands touched my bare chest. No no NO. My finger touched something, a plug. With everything I had, I flung it forward, pressing the metal deep into his eye socket. He screamed and fell back cradling his face in his hands. It gave me time to roll into my side, push my weight onto my knees and crawl for the door. With a final shot of adrenaline, I reached again for the handle and my only way out.


	8. Chapter 8

# Day 339 - Friday

###  _*** THEO ***_

“You coming? Hellooooo?” Tom called, waving his hands to catch Theo’s attention.

Eventually, Theo looked up from his phone - where he had been re-reading Lara's messages again - to find that everyone else had already left the beach set and were headed up the pathways to the offices or dressing rooms. Only Tom had waited for him. He ran to catch up.

Tom gave a light shoulder barge, pushing Theo off the path into the long grass. “So come on, out with it, who is she?”

Theo was checking his phone again. “Hmm? Who?”

People saw Tom as a happy, friendly, simple soul - Theo knew he was actually a lot smarter than he let on. They may have only known each other for a few months but they had easily become close. He was grateful for Tom’s friendship, and trust. 

“Don't be shy, I know that look.” Tom grinned. 

Theo rubbed the back of his neck then tucked his phone, and hands, into his pockets. “It's Lara.” 

“Ooooh, the supermarket girl? She was very sweet.”

“She is. She’s…” He wanted to say a million inexplicable things, so settled for, “Different.”

“Oh to be young again.” Tom mused, stopping outside the office to gaze out to sea for a few seconds before laughing. “Be good, don’t do anything I wouldn’t, all right!” With a playful quick jab to Theo’s stomach, he started off towards the dressing room.

A voice came from over Theo’s shoulder. Theo didn’t need to look to know who it came from. No one else’s voice went through him in the same way. 

“Why would you need to be good? What are you up to eh?” The voice belonged to Phillip.

“No reason,” Theo said, walking away.

The answer did not satisfy Phillip, he followed, panting at the effort of keeping up with Theo while climbing the small hill.

“You’re not still talking to that girl, are you? We spoke about this. Theo. Wait. For. Me…”

Theo didn't wait. 

“There are things you should know about her, she’s…”

 _What?_ Theo could no longer ignore him, so stopped abruptly. Phillip stumbled a little in surprise.

“And how exactly,” Theo questioned, “Do you know these ‘things’ about her when I specifically told you to leave her alone?”

Without giving a chance for an argument, Theo jogged the rest of the way up the hill to the caravan site. Once at the top, he clenched his fists then wiped sweaty palms on his jeans, breathing in the cool air and allowing it to calm his pulse. Why was he getting so wound up and protective over a girl he had only known for a week?

He shouldn’t care this much. 

But damn, his heart pounded every time he thought of her sea-blue eyes, he constantly checked his phone for a message.   
  


###  _*** LARA ***_

  
  


Normally, I hated being stuck in the office for so long, preferring to be out on the building sites, buying materials, visiting the furnishing suppliers, or even mucking in with the decorators. The last week was different. Hours rushed by; I challenged myself to do as much work as possible in-between each text - they only ever stopped overnight - that way I could sit and take time to read and re-read, without feeling guilty.

Theo worded his messages the same way he spoke in person. Lively and confident with moments of intensity, others of humour. It was easy to hear his voice in them. Low rumbles for when he was serious, a lighter purr when he spoke with a smile. I confess I may have listened to a few videos on YouTube of clips and trailers from his films. You know, just to make sure I wasn’t imagining how insanely lovely his voice was. It took a _lot_ of self-control to stop myself scrolling through the images...

In my latest text I’d said I was leaving work, he replied to say ‘see you later.’ I had visions of him turning up at my door, which sent my heart flying out of my chest until I remembered he couldn’t possibly know where I lived.

Barely five minutes after getting home, my phone rang. Mom called me every day to check on me, so I picked up without looking, flopped onto the sofa and answered with a sleepy, “Hi Mom, you ok?”

“I am very good thank you, though I’m not so sure about the new nickname. How are you?”

It took one syllable to realise it wasn’t mom. I jumped off my seat and slapped a hand to my forehead. 

Olivia, who was in the kitchen, spun around and started gesturing wildly. “Who is it? Who is it?”

“Theo! Hi,” I said. Olivia did a little dance on her way out of the room. “Sorry, I thought you were going to be my Mom. And yeah I’m good, you?” _Oh hell._ He’d already answered that. 

“I am still good…”

We carried on from where our texts had ended, chatting about our day, work, family. Normal things. It was incredible really how much we could find to talk about, despite the fact we had been messaging all day. Although we were separated by about fifteen miles of town, country, road and air; I felt like he was sitting right beside me.

Over an hour had passed when he said, “Anyway I wanted to call because I was wondering, are you free tomorrow night?”

In a moment of complete blankness, I couldn’t work out what day tomorrow would be. Saturday. “Umm the band all come over to mine every month, we have pizza, watch a film or whatever. They’re coming tomorrow.” _Stop waffling._ “You could come too?” It was a lame idea so I gave him a get out excuse, “You're probably busy though...”

“I’m not busy. I was hoping to see you, that’s why I asked.”

“Oh... Ok then. Well, only if you want to...”

He chuckled, filling my chest with something cosy and warm. It was the same gentle laugh he gave when he saw me biting my lip, or whenever I tried to flirt.

“Lara, are you inviting me to your house, to meet your friends, to eat pizza, and ‘watch a film or whatever’ with you?”

“Yes, I am.” Such a lame idea.

“Then I would love to.” 

“Really? You do? I mean, you would?”

Again he gave the same laugh. _My laugh._ “I would. Text me when and where and I’ll see you tomorrow Miss Quinn.”

I hung up, catching my breath for a minute before jumping up and down. Olivia came running back downstairs startled by the sudden banging of feet.  
  
“He’s coming.” I threw my hands in the air. “Theo is coming here tomorrow!” 

She joined in with the jumping. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to stop my fingers shaking and text him my address and time.

He replied straight away:

**“Will knowing the address of a 007 get me into trouble? xx T”**

I noticed the increase to 2 ‘x’s

**“No, the address won't. But I might… xLx”**

_Wow, who am I?_ Adrenaline fuelled excitement shot through every vein.

Less than a minute later he replied:

**“Good ;-) xx T”**

How can one word and an emoji cause so much of an emotional reaction? 

My face wouldn’t stop grinning. I also felt like I’d been picked up by a giant who had then proceeded to shake me, causing my organs to rattle around and my vision to blur with dizziness.

I poured myself a wine and had to sit down.

  
  


###  _Mr Blue Sky - ELO_

  
  


# Day Zero

Jeff came for me again, pushing me just as the door clicked open, sending me stumbling through the doorway, down the steps onto the floor outside. My body impacted the hard ground. A scream came out as a choked cry. Hands grabbed at my waist, rolling me onto my back. I saw that his left eye was stuck shut, black and bleeding. Working on building sites, lifting furniture, carrying deliveries and climbing scaffolding had made me stronger than I looked. As he leaned in, I kicked out and struck his groin. For a moment, I felt satisfaction as he yelped. _I won't go down without a fight_. It only lasted for a moment though, then I sank back onto the floor, my strength drained, the weight of my own body too much to move. It felt as though I were sinking right through into the earth itself.

The crushing weight of cold was all I could feel. Not the normal kind of cold you feel when you forget your coat on a winter's day, hold a snowball or jump into the sea; that cold comes from the outside. This cold came from within. It seeped through my veins like a poison, destroying everything it touched. Every breath became a battle, every heartbeat a punch to the chest.

A hand wrapped around my ankle and proceeded to drag my broken body across the rough gravel. Stone scraped and cut into the back. I was numb to any more pain. There was no use fighting back. _This is it. This is how I die._

There's a common expression that ‘your life flashes before your eyes’ when you know you're dying. Maybe mine did, and I simply can't remember or maybe a part of my mind refused to surrender, holding onto hope. Maybe it was because my life had been too short. All I do know was that as I drifted in and out of consciousness, there were things going on around me that blurred in and out of focus. Like hearing ten different radio stations all floating in the air around you, unable to separate one from another. Random memories, voices and music, even familiar smells. I thought of all the things I never had a chance to do, the places I would never see. Then of all the people who I would never see again, my family, friends, the children I would never see grow up.

An engine sound and clanking of metal gates briefly pushed back the darkness. At some point the grip around my throat loosened, there was shouting and Jeff kicked me in his rush to run away.

Another hand, softer this time, cradled my face, lifting it out of the dirt.

“Quinn?” A voice called to me. “No no no, look at me, stay with me.”

Deep blue eyes hovered inches above mine, they were filled with fear. I knew those eyes - I liked them. I tried to open my mouth to speak, _don't be scared Daniel_.

My sight blackened again. Someone wailed in the distance. The wailing grew louder, morphing into a mechanical rhythm. 

“Come on Quinn, hold on, hold on, they're almost here.” Daniel's voice was so close I could feel his words on my face. “Please! No no no, I'm sorry, Lara… Lara, I love you.” 

I saw my mom again, this time she sobbed but did not collapse to the floor in despair. The blow was softened. This time she knew my last moments had been with someone who loved me.

The warmth of Daniel’s lips touched mine. The last thing I would ever feel. I longed for just one more day, one more hour, minute.

Even just one… more... brea…

  
  


###  _Listen Before I Go - Billie Eilish_


	9. Chapter 9

#  Day 340 - Saturday

###  _ *** THEO *** _

It was so quiet on the campsite that Theo was startled by the loud call of his phone. He worried it would be Lara, calling to cancel his invite. His heart rate returned to normal when he saw that it was ‘Home.’ With a swipe of the screen, the faces of his mother Alison, and sister Chloe appeared. 

Chloe soon noticed Theo’s new shirt and the bottle of aftershave in his hand. “Going somewhere Tee?”

“Actually I am, so can’t talk for long.” He apologized but couldn’t hide a grin; he wasn’t sorry for going out.

“Ou, Saturday night, you’re not wearing a suit, so it's not work but you’re putting on aftershave so it's not just to Tom’s either… Have you got a date?” Chloe teased.

“Alright Sherlock leave your brother alone, go and fetch your father, dinner’s nearly ready.” Alison waited for Chloe to leave the room. “Sooo have you? Got a date?”

Theo fixed his collar and smiled at his mother’s enthusiasm. He also heard the worry skimming the top of her words like oil on water. It was always there swirling across the surface - sometimes separating, spreading thinner, other times gathering, becoming deeper - never able to dissolve.

“No Mum, not a date. Just pizza and a film with a new friend, and some of her friends.”

“I see. It is a girl though?”

“Yes, it is a girl. But it's not like that, she’s… It’s a long story.” 

He’d woke that morning thinking of Lara. The way she said his name. ‘Thee ooh.’ Like letting out a breath rather than a word.

Then there was the way she restrained her smiles by biting her lower lip…

Alison went to ask another question so he quickly added, “I’ll tell you everything when I see you. I have to get going.” He straightened, blowing out a large puff of air, shaking his shoulders.

“You’re nervous.” Mothers saw _ everything. _

Theo nodded. “Sort of. A little.”

“Then it’s definitely a date.” She blew him a kiss, wished him luck and hung up with a friendly warning to ‘be good.’

  
  


###  _ *** LARA *** _

Greg and Sarah arrived super early. I’d text asking them all to come earlier than usual, with the excuse of having something important to tell them. I knew that would get their attention. Caleb arrived a few minutes later. They all sat, lined up on the sofas, watching and waiting - trying not to look like they were waiting - to hear my news. I spun a fine gold chain necklace restlessly around my neck. Sarah commented on how nice I looked which made me relax a little, she didn't say things for the sake of it.

You do not want to know how long it took me to choose what to wear. I felt nice in my light blue denim shirt dress though. As it was short, I wore it over leggings. My feet were bare and I’d painted my nails a dark pink because socks looked odd and my slippers felt childish. (Pink and fluffy.) My hair was in its usual waves but I had swept it into a side parting so more fell across my face, then pinned the thinner side up above my ear.

Standing in front of the TV, facing my audience, I felt as though  I were about to perform on some kind of talent show with my friends playing the judges role.  I pulled myself up straight and took a moment, the same way I would at work before addressing the team. I felt naked without a clipboard to keep my hands busy.

“So I asked you all to come a bit earlier,” I started, “Because I wanted to pre-warn you that we have an extra guest coming tonight.” 

Olivia sat directly opposite me on the grey sofa clutching a tan linen cushion, beaming from ear to ear. The rest looked blank so I gave them a clue. “Someone I met recently, who got my number after the gig?” 

Greg clapped a hand to his mouth as the lightbulb came on. “Noooo way, you mean Theo Taylor?”

“Got it in one.” I laughed at all their startled expressions. I also then warned them that Theo didn’t know about Day Zero and that he was coming here as a friend, not as an actor for an interview.

To stay busy, I kept to the kitchen, putting pizzas into the oven, making plenty of salad, coleslaw and extras just in case. I caught my reflection in the glass door, adjusted my dress and scowled. My arms were strong, if only I had hips, then I could be called curvy. If I was slimmer, or taller, I might have gotten away with athletic. That wasn’t going to happen, I liked food and I was definitely past the growing age. So instead I was stuck in between - a top-heavy hourglass. With a few extra bumps in the middle.

“You look amazing.” Greg snuck up to steal some nachos from a bowl. “The house looks amazing and the food is amazing, stop stressing yeah?” 

I would never know what it's like to have a real brother, I couldn't imagine it being any better than having him. Growing up, people always thought I was his sister rather than Olivia as we look more alike and share the same quieter nature. His short mousey brown hair was messy at the front; he probably spent ages making it look that way. His eyes were hazel, but almond-shaped and surrounded by thick dark lashes like mine.

When the doorbell rang it kicked off a mild heart attack.  The type you get at the top of a large rollercoaster as you're about to tip over the edge. You scream because it's terrifying and dangerous. You scream because it’s exhilarating and wild.

You would think that after being faced with your own death at the hands of a psychotic murderer little things like meeting a guy wouldn't scare you anymore. Trust me, they did. Some people go the other way and become daredevils, living for the thrill, trying to experience as much as possible. Not me, I was an overthinker. Every little risk, everything new, sent my mind on a ride through a mental house of horrors, imagining all the things that could jump out at me, all the dangers and what if’s. Jenny said that every day after Day Zero was a new start, a second chance to live. But to live in fear is no life. So that’s why we,  _ I, _ had to be brave. To push on regardless of being afraid. Easier said than done most of the time.

The room went suspiciously quiet as I hurried to the door, mentally practicing how to say hello along the way. Theo’s silhouette was visible through the frosted glass of the porchway. Theodore Taylor was on my doorstep.  _ Crazy. _ I set a smile on my face, one that hopefully would appear natural and calm, and opened the door.

He was in a shirt, light blue, fitted, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, top button open. I managed to push out the word ‘hi.’ Of course, he saw my reaction. He was watching my every movement, a smile curving its way onto his full lips. He was attractive, it was a fact he knew. He also knew exactly how and when to use it. It never came across as pride though. Cheeky sometimes, but not arrogant.

“Miss Quinn.” He gave me a one-armed hug before running a hand through his hair.

Was he nervous? No, my imagination was being silly again. Although, he did worry about what people thought of him; maybe he was worried about meeting the others.

I tried to reassure him, “The guys are all here, except for Alex, the bass player, he’s out with his kids. I told them you were coming and they’re on strict orders not to interrogate you.”  _ Waffling.  _ “But I apologize in advance for… everything they may do and say. Especially Greg.”

He stepped inside and handed me a bottle of wine, fingers brushing mine, instantly spreading warmth over my skin. “You like red if I remember rightly?”

“I do. Thank you.”

While he took off his shoes I ran, with restraint, to hang his coat over the bannister at the top of the stairs. When I returned, he wrapped a hand around my wrist - the good one - and pulled me closer.

“You look beautiful.” He allowed me a few seconds for his words to sink in and recover myself. “And relax, don't worry about your friends, I'm sure they’ll be fine, I can handle them.”

Flip, he could probably handle anything.

I needn’t have worried. Olivia stepped up as hostess, offering Theo a seat and leading the introductions. When in a group, Theo used the same tactic as me; asking lots of questions to keep people talking. I doubted though he had practiced them on the way over, the way I would have.

The timer on the oven announced food was ready, I excused myself from my spot on the rug next to the coffee table. Theo’s eyes followed me to the kitchen, I could feel them on me, touching my  skin, my face, back, waist, legs. Holding his attention made me feel… powerful. He liked looking at me; he liked the way I look. I caught his eye, then ducked behind the fridge door to cool my face.

Everyone headed for the dining table while I cut up the pizzas. Caleb said something that made Theo laugh; his head fell back and his whole body shook. Watching him turned my blood into electricity. Even Sarah’s dark caramel cheeks had turned an adorable shade of rose. She might have been more discreet about it but, like her boyfriend, she was a huge fan of Theo’s last film.

I hoped Theo didn’t think my reactions were because of his fame.

  
  


“What are we going to watch then? Theo this is your area of expertise.” I heard Greg say while collecting the plates up after dinner. “Gotta be the new Star Wars yeah?”

Theo held his hands up. “Fine by me, I haven't seen it yet.”

“What? That's settled then,” Greg confirmed.

Caleb and I finished filling the dishwasher then joined others, now by the TV. 

I leant onto the back of the sofa behind Theo so only he could hear me. “You don’t have to agree with him, you know, if you’d rather watch something else.”

He dropped his head back, resting it on my hand, hair curling against my fingers. “I’m happy with whatever you want.” 

Wide brown eyes looked up to mine - just as beautiful upside down -  and I was back on the top of that roller coaster, time slowing, holding my breath before the drop… I offered everyone another drink. Theo jumped up eagerly to help, letting his hand trail across the piano keys as he followed me to the kitchen.

Was it normal to feel jealous of a piano?

I handed him a beer. “Another one?”

“No thanks, I’m driving.” 

“Oh, of course you are. I was just testing you.”

He stepped closer. My butterfly friends had woken up again.

L ike two magnets that were being held apart, fighting against the separation, my hands trembled. Don't ask what possessed me, my body detached from my brain; I touched a finger to his forearm - the shaking stopped as soon as our skin met - and slowly brushed it all the way down to his hand, to the tip of his middle finger. His lips parted to breathe as he watched, then he swallowed, met my eyes. He wasn't fazed by meeting my friends at all.  _ He’s nervous because of me. _ Open-plan rooms were a ridiculous invention. Why wasn’t there a wall separating us from the eyes of my friends?

Acting ‘casually’ took so much effort when there were people watching. Olivia kept spying on me from the corner of her eye while I handed out the drinks. Theo took his seat again on the end of the sofa, his arm resting across the back. Caleb was at the other end then Olivia, who had deliberately left a space for me. It was a pretty tight space, Theo’s arm would be around me. My spot on the floor was still free.  __

I felt that pull of a magnet again, and the excitement of a rollercoaster.

Theo smiled as I sat next to him. When Caleb reached up to turn off the lights, a shiver ran up my back. Darkness didn’t scare me however, I wouldn’t normally be sat so close to a man I was attracted to. A man who with every passing minute, I wanted to be even closer to.

Famous music from the film’s opening filled the room, it sounded distant, I couldn’t concentrate. My tension was already sending my right leg dead, Olivia’s elbow digging in didn’t help. I lifted her arm - she apologized with a wink - and tucked my leg underneath me. At the same time, Theo’s hand dropped onto my shoulder, ever so gently pulling me back to lean on his side. His other hand slid to my waist, right above my injury. As long as I stayed still, he wouldn't feel it.

As the music returned he tightened his grip for a second and whispered into my ear, “Is this ok?” I nodded. Hell, it was  _ more _ than ok.

All I could hear was my own heartbeat. I looked at the screen but didn’t see it. All I could feel was the soft pressure of Theo’s hands, his breath tickling the back of my neck, the vibration in the air from knowing that, if I just turned my head, our faces would be touching. Hopefully, no one would ask me any questions about the film. 

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Lara smelt like roses, coconut, and sugar, and heaven. 

Theo hoped nobody would ask him any questions about the film afterwards. He tried to watch it, but his eyes kept wandering, drawn to a tiny wisp of hair that curled around her ear. He hoped to God he wasn't being too forward again, but after Lara had pulled that ‘finger drifting down his arm manoeuvre,’ all he could think about was the feel of her skin. 

He asked her if it was ok, she nodded, then relaxed further into his shoulder. One of his fingers dared to touch the back of her long neck. Her eyelids fluttered, breathing paused. Damn. If he could just press his lips to her ear…

It turned out that sometimes,  _ not _ doing anything took a lot of strength.

  
  


###  *** LARA ***

Caleb jumped up to get the lights. Before anyone saw, Theo let go of my side, lifted his hand - which had gloriously drifted from my shoulder onto my neck - back onto the sofa and pulled away. I tried to sound enthusiastic about the film. I was annoyed it had finished.

Caleb soon said goodnight, Greg and Sarah got up to follow, I went to clear away the drinks.

“Great to see you again Theo,” I heard Greg say. “How long are you here for then?”

I hadn’t even asked him that, I was too afraid of the answer. I put the glasses into the sink as quietly as I could, listening for a reply.

“We’ve got three months here,” Theo said, “Then we head back to the London studios.”

_ Three months!  _ To stop my heart escaping, I clamped a hand over my mouth. I’d expected a few more weeks at most. I propped myself up against the fridge.

Greg saw me over Theo’s shoulder and smiled in a way that made me worry he was up to something. “We’ll have to get together again then yeah?” Greg winked at me. “Maybe you can help us persuade Lara to join in properly for the next gig?”

Sneaky git. I screwed my eyes into tight slits and shot him a deadly glare.

Abruptly, Theo turned, catching my expression before I had a chance to change it. With a raised eyebrow he laughed. “Doesn't look like she's too keen on that idea. But... I’ll see what I can do.”

I wanted to ask what he had in mind to persuade me, instead I pinned my lips shut and went upstairs to fetch his coat, leaving him to say goodbye to the others. He was already in the hallway when I came back, examining photos on my gallery wall.

“Don't look too closely.” I joked, handing over his coat to steer him away from the pictures. 

They were mostly of Olivia, Greg and I at various stages of school and college. One was from a summer holiday with both our families, Greg and I were 18, Olivia 16. We were on a beach and I was in a bikini. Even though I was in the distance, I still felt embarrassed about him seeing it. I didn't look like that anymore.

He pointed to the writing under each picture. “What are the song lyrics for?”

“Oh um,” I grinned at the photos. It was a silly thing Greg, Oliva and I di d. “We kind of have this tradition. It started in school when we would pretend to make music videos. Then every holiday, or any kind of special event, we gave a theme tune. Sometimes because the lyrics fit, or because it was playing in the background, or popular at the time.”

“Hmm, then when you hear that song again, it reminds you. A sort of, life soundtrack.” 

Life soundtrack? That sounded good. “Exactly. That’s the magic of music. It can transport you anywhere.”

What I didn’t say was that in my journal, I gave nearly  _ every _ day their own song, sometimes more than one. He seemed to accept having a soundtrack to your life as being perfectly normal.

An eyebrow pulled up his smile again. “So, do you have a song for the day we met?”

I could have filled a whole album for that day. There was one in particular though. “Maybe,” I answered.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Maaaaybe…” I smiled. “Guess.”

He leaned against the doorframe and pressed a finger to his pursed lips. “Surely there's a song about sweeping someone off their feet?”

“Oh, so that's what you were trying to do?”

He looked at me through smiling eyes as if to say ‘obviously.’

I had to hold my breath to stop my lungs exploding. “There are several songs about being swept away. But it’s none of those.”

“Hmm.” Again, he touched his fingers to his mouth. “I’ll have to think about it.” Then he moved into the porch for his shoes. “You all grew up together?” He glanced back at the photos.

“Yes, us three. We met Caleb and Sarah at college, then Greg met Alex a couple of years ago through work. I was in London by then, so I didn’t really know him that well until… I came back.” I nearly said ‘until I was in hospital.’

My eyes dropped to the floor. I brushed the hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear, waiting for him to ask the dreaded question - why did you move back? It took a conscious effort to  stop biting my lip . Instead of asking anything, he went quiet, gently smoothed my hair around my ear, mimicking my movement, then let his fingers glide along my jawline until they reached my chin, which he lifted, thumb skimming across my lips. An expression flickered through his eyes. I’d seen it there before but still couldn’t work it out. A kind of thoughtfulness, sadness, confusion even. Had I said anything to offend him? I didn’t think I had, so what  _ was _ he thinking about? The look passed quickly, pushed aside by a smile.

“It’s a shame you're not in the band anymore,” he said finally in a low voice. “I would love to hear you play.” His hand stayed under my chin, every  cell of my skin responding to his touch, waking up for the first time. At that point, I realised how quiet it had gone in the living room again. Even the road was silent. It felt like everyone, and everything was listening in.

I could feel my face turning pink. “I don't know why… I'm nothing special.” It wasn’t false modesty. I’m not bad, I wasn’t great either. And I would never be a powerful singer like Sarah.

“I disagree.” 

Was he still talking about music?

Sliding his hand to the back of my neck, he leant in. Oooh hell, was he going to try and kiss me again? Did I want him to? _Please!_

Wow. I actually did.

Being so close should have terrified me; I had quite a large personal space. Theo though, seemed able to  break harmlessly through that invisible barrier into the bubble where I felt light, peaceful and safe, floating amongst clouds. H e was just Theo, a guy who bumped into me at the supermarket, a guy who made me laugh, a guy who appeared to like me. 

I liked him too.

But I needed to slow things down.

Pulling him into a hug, I pressed my face into his neck the same way I did back in the first aid trailer. The muscles of his back tightened under my fingers, his aftershave was stronger - woody earth and hot ginger - mixed with the fresh cotton of his clothes and… man.

“If it means I get to see you again, then I better get practicing,” I said.

“I’ll be there,” he chuckled, stepping back and out of the door. “But Lara… I won't be able to wait that long to see you again.”

  
  


###  _ Rename ‘MEMORIES’ Playlist: ‘Life Soundtrack’ _

###  _ Yes or No? _

###  _ Yes _

###  _ ‘Life Soundtrack’ Playlist saved! _

  
  


My blood covered hands crawled around the floor, searching for anything I could use as a weapon, they found the plug, the same way they did every night since Day Zero. Lifting it up through the searing pain I turned to aim for Jeff’s eye, only to drop it again when I saw not  _ him, _ but Theo sitting on top of me, pinning me down. His hands were slowly unbuttoning my shirt, my breathing went from terrified to excited, then back again as his expression changed to one of disgust. 

He stared at my scars and his face started distorting, the eyes and mouth remained Theo’s but the rest - the sickly pale skin, the stale breath and long nose - morphed into Jeff again.

Theo’s lips whispered into my ear, “Damaged.”

I woke up as they began laughing.


	10. Chapter 10

#  Day 344 - Wednesday

Sitting at the kitchen island cradling a steaming coffee mug, I let the smell of the hot black sweetness fill my lungs after a long day. Thankfully the Jeff/Theo vision hadn't returned since Saturday. My dreams were back to usual, always the same, a replay of Day Zero, watching myself helplessly from a bird’s eye view. I couldn’t get the image of them, or the fear out of my head though. There was more to my nerves of being around Theo than just attraction. My issues ran deeper. I wasn’t scared of Theo; I was terrified of what could happen with him.

_ Damaged _ . The word from my nightmare replayed over and over in my mind. It was a hard word to shake off.

It was how I felt.

  
  


That night, I arrived early for the DAYS meeting. I sat on a wall by the entrance for a while, my face lifted to the sun, enjoying the last of the evening light and the feel of the warm bricks under my fingers. Life had changed their surface and appearance forever, worn soft by years of peoples hands bushing over them. Hands of children, dragging along slowly into school, then rushing back over on their way home. Hands of parents, leaning back to take the weight off their feet while waiting. And more recently, the hands of DAYS members, tentatively seeking a place of support, of hope. Still, their stability despite all that ware comforted me.

It wasn't the first time I’d hovered around outside, panicking about what I wanted to say, or how on earth to say it. Should I tell Jenny about Theo? I had to otherwise the dream wouldn't make sense. How much should I tell her? Why was I so worried? There was nothing going on with me and Theo.  _ Errr hello,  _ my brain butted in on itself, _ yes there is. _

Jenny rushed over at the end of the meeting - her nails in rainbow colours today - after noticing the new support strap on my wrist. 

She wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “My word love, what happened?”

“It’s fine, just sprained. Long story. Anyway, the 50 first dates thing.”

“Ar yes.” She bounced on tiptoes. “This is going to be so much fun.” 

Her enthusiasm for everything, no matter how trivial, was one of the things that made her so loveable. A constant ray of sunlight in what could easily have been a dark and depressive group. She treated every member as if they were family, healing wounds that went far deeper than any knife with kindness and love.

“Why the change of heart?” She asked.

“It's been a crazy few days and I’ve been thinking - you and my friends are right, I do need to start having more fun. Get out more. Oh… And I kinda met someone. I think.” 

“Ouuu as in a male someone?” She gave my good hand a firm squeeze.

The floor squeaked under my shuffling feet. “Yeah, um, I don't know.”

“You don't know if he’s male?”

“Ha! No. He’s  _ very _ much male. Actually, he's right up your street. Tall, dark, crazy handsome, heart-melting English accent.”

“Point me in his direction sweetheart.” She pouted her red lips and frantically looked around the hall, pretending to search for him. 

I almost choked on my tea. “Easy tiger. He’s incredible, but… Complicated.” I rolled my eyes.

“Ar love, aren't they all?” She gave a sigh and poured me another tea, her cue for me to continue.

I told her about the way we met and how I got my sprained wrist, then about the new nightmare.

The relationship with Theo wouldn't go anywhere, even if he was going to be around for longer than I’d thought. The feeling of  _ wanting _ it to though, that was something I hadn't felt in a long time. And it was down to more than his looks. He challenged me, pushed me out of my comfort zone, made me feel alive again. It felt good to be liked by someone for the person I w as - even if I didn't always know, or like, who that was - rathe r than for the person they remembered me being. That was why I didn't want to tell him about my history. He would start to look at me the way everyone else did. A victim. In need of help and protection.  _ Damaged. _ I couldn't bear the thought of him viewing me like that . I wasn't lying to him, I simply wasn’t going to tell him everything. 

“We’re damned either way.” I shrugged, fed up. “If you tell someone what happened straight away then it freaks them out if you don't... They say you hid it from them. Either way, it ends badly.”

“You’re not alone.” Jenny’s pale skin creased up like delicate tissue paper as she smiled. “Everyone here’s felt the same, including myself. It's one of those problems there’s no fixed solution to. It differs for every person and every relationship, the only thing I  _ can _ say for definite is, there will be the right person out there.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so.” She briefly cupped a hand under my chin, her face serious. “Why are you so sure you won’t keep seeing Theo? Sounds to me that he likes you. If you expect things to fail before they start Lara, then they will. Give him a chance.” 

I probably should have explained to her who Theo was.

She softened and smiled again. “If I’d told you at your first meeting that you would soon be back at work, a manager, running your own office, would you have believed me? Did you feel ready?”

Truth was there were still days when I didn't believe it, it sounded way too grown-up for me. I shook my head.

“And if I’d have told you a few weeks ago that you would meet a handsome stranger who gave you the courage to take a risk would you have believed me?”

I shook my head again, laughing this time.

“Exactly. Look how far you've come. You have a second chance to live your life, so live it! There's no point trying to deny that you’ve changed. Your whole perspective changes but if I grab a round lump of clay and press it into a square, it's still clay and you are still you. You just have to work with the differences.”

I felt like a lump of clay. Bumped around, poked and prodded, squashed and moulded, most of it against my will.

One day, I wanted to get married, to have children of my own. When that chance came my way, I didn't want to be too scared to take it. Yes, I had come a long way; I couldn’t stop now. My life couldn't stay on hold forever.

###  _ Ready For It? - Taylor Swift _

#  Day 32

Even with the help of a nurse, it took almost an hour to just get showered and dressed because of having to stop every five minutes to catch my breath and let the pain die down. After wearing nothing but hospital gowns and pyjamas for weeks it felt ludicrously good to be in jeans and a jumper.

Mom had helped to wash my hair and was now drying it for me, humming an old show tune while she brushed. I looked more like her as I got older. When I was young my hair was long and blonde, now it had darkened to the same deep brown like hers. Growing up she had been my mother, sister, and my best friend. I told her everything. But now - after the most pivotal and destructive moment in my life - I wouldn’t tell her anything. I couldn’t. It would hurt her too much.

The thought of going to a ‘support group’ made me queasy, I only agreed to it for her. She worried about how quiet I was. When the Doctor said she would let me out of the hospital for a few hours to go, it was a done deal. She even said I ‘might pass a Starbucks’ on the way back. Result. Downside? I had to get in a wheelchair. 

Physiotherapy was going... ok. I could stand and walk by myself, but not very far. They kept assuring me I was doing well for someone with so much core muscle damage. ‘Ok’ and ‘doing well’ was not good enough for me. I reluctantly got in the chair and Mom pushed me along wide, endless corridors towards the exit.

We left the hospital through large revolving doors. Warm summer air  wrapped itself around me like a welcoming hug . I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The smell of freedom filled my body. Freshly cut grass and damp earth. Gulls squawked and cried as they cartwheeled through the air overhead; the sound transported me instantly to the beach, and to my holidays as a child.

A few people said that after coming back home I would miss the hustle and bustle of London. Don't get me wrong, every minute of working there had been a dream, but it had never been home. I loved peace and quiet and missed being able to walk through trees, or along beaches without being surrounded by a crowd of other people.

  
  


“I think this is it,” Mom announced, stopping the car.

I’d been daydreaming, watching the world go by  like a mad dog with its head out the window , seeing everything for the first time. Following Mom’s eye line, I saw that ‘it’ was actually an old school, recently divided into sections of offices and a community hall. Painted on one of the doors was a large yellow sun, inside the sun was ‘DAYS’ written in blue. Getting out of the car was almost as hard as getting in. I grinned to hide the pain. I would not let my trip outside get cancelled.

Magnolia hallways, with walls covered in posters of prized projects, along with the sound of chairs scraping on hard floors and shoes squeaking on polished wood took me straight back to my school days.

More yellow signs led us towards a large hall. A murmur of voices coming from within made me nervous. I wiped cold, sweaty palms on my jeans and fixed another practised smile to my face as Mom opened the door.

Jenny, the woman who I recognised from my hospital visit, came rushing over to meet us.

“Come in come in!” She shook my hand with both of hers then gave Mom a hug. “I'm so glad you came Lara, come and take a seat, we're about to get started.” 

Seeing my eyes widen she assured me, “Don't worry sweetheart, you don't have to say anything unless you want to.” Then she swept away to greet others,  floating around the room like a lantern, softly bobbing up and down, sharing her light.

“Right then, I’ll be back in an hour.” Mom hugged me.

Being left alone with a room full of strangers made my pulse rise even higher. Shyness was a new feeling for me. I was also relieved, there were things I would never be able to talk about in front of her.  _ Not that I’m going to talk. _

Mom helped me to stand, kissed my cheek with the advice, “Just give it a chance.” And then she was gone.

I shuffled towards the circle of chairs at the centre of the hall. The only seat left was next to Jenny. So much for my plan of hiding at the back. Using the backs of the chairs as supports, I made my way towards her. She looked up and surely must have seen the discomfort in my face and my forehead starting to sweat. I expected her to rush over and insist on helping me however she left me to it.

I liked her.

As I sat down, she patted my knee, her nails were painted perfectly in alternate blue, yellow, blue to match the logo and she smelt like expensive Chanel perfume mixed with baking.

“This is for you my love.” Reaching down to her bag, she pulled out a book. “Write in it all things you want to say, but never will.” 

Printed onto the blue cover read the tex t: ‘DAYS JOURNAL’ in yellow,  surrounded by matching yellow suns. Its spine was bound with natural string. I held it gently and brushed my fingers over the soft cover as if she had just handed me a priceless treasure.

(And so, I began to write my story.)

The other leader, Andrew, stood to welcome everyone in.

“Do you like chocolate?” Jenny whispered while he carried on. I nodded. “Jolly good! We have lots of chocolate cake for after.” She suggested it as if it was the naughtiest thing imaginable. 

I found myself smiling again, only it wasn't a fake mask.

  
  


###  _ Up & Up - Coldplay _


	11. Chapter 11

#  Day 346 - Friday

Jenny had invited me to her house so we could go over the fundraising plans so I dropped Olivia home after work and rushed in to change before shooting back out.

Her garden was like walking into a National Trust property. Always immaculate. Large apple trees lined a wide gravel driveway, surrounding them were rivers of golden daffodils and streaks of hot pink tulips. I walked slowly towards the front door, letting the satisfying crunch of stone underfoot calm my nerves; apparently, there had already been a few sponsored date requests already. She opened the door with her usual wide smile, today her nails were gold. I accepted the offer for tea and followed her through perfectly white hallways and across the smooth flagstone floors of her ex-miners cottage into the kitchen.

“So Stuart has his first driving lesson booked in for Monday.” She handed over my tea in a floral, dainty little cup. “All his family have already sponsored him of course, along with most of the group and friends.”

“That’s great!” I agreed. “Oh and before I forget, these are for you.” I passed a large envelope across the table containing some posters and leaflets which I’d designed using the software at work.

“These are wonderful, thankyou sweetheart. Such a creative girl, you really could do anything you wanted you know.”

How do some people manage to be so naturally and genuinely encouraging? If I said that, it would have sounded patronising.

She sat opposite me at the small dining table, chin resting on her long fingers, a twinkle in her grey eyes. “Right, now as for your dates, there has been some interest.” Two members had already put their names down to take me out. “Plus Andrew said he will sponsor you to go out with his brother Jason. Don't worry, I've met him, he’s lovely.”

That didn’t do much to reassure me. Jenny described everyone as lovely. Except for Daniel. And Jeff of course.

“Plus  _ all _ the girls in the group.” She grinned. “Myself included, will sponsor you to come out for a girls night. Won't that be fun.”

I laughed, which sharply turned into a cough thanks to a balloon expanding in my chest, pressing all of the air out. It would either be fun, or extremely awkward. None of us had socialised outside of the group before. The DAYS sessions were another world, an escape, that’s what they were for me anyway. It felt strange to mix it with real life. At least I could invite Olivia and Sarah along to help.

“There’s something else too…” Jenny’s voice lowered, she absently stirred her almost empty cup. “Andrew has been doing his thing with all the online advertising stuff, you know the Facebook and tweety pages or whatever.”

I smiled, ‘tweety pages’ sounded so much cuter than Twitter.

“And well, he's had some good responses from the local papers and TV news.”

“Wow great,” I said, “Jenny If this gets into the press then you could be setting up those extra groups across the country before you know it.” I leant over to squeeze her hand, unable to fathom why she looked so worried about it.

“Yes well, that's the thing love. One of the news reporters has already been to meet Stuart and a few others but...” She took a deep breath. “He was especially keen to go on a date with you and cover your experience.”

Oh.

“I… I don't know if…” I took a shaky sip of tea. It was going cold, just like my hands.

My story, my history, my fears would become public. Correction;  _ even more _ public.

A few minutes passed while we both watched the apple trees swaying in the breeze outside the large square sash windows. Jenny never impatiently rushed a silence, she allowed time for me to think, to consider new information. Theo did the same.  _ Theo! _ What if he read the paper or watched the local TV while he was here?

“Jenny, I can't… I’m sorry, I don't wanna talk… I’m not ready.”

“It’s fine sweetheart.” She smiled and wrapped her hands around mine. For the first time, I noticed how fragile they were, pale and translucent like porcelain. The contrast between her personality and her appearance was so great, it was almost impossible to put the two halves together.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said with a wave of a hand. “I already told him it would probably be a no. You are far more important to me than any publicity. I just wanted to give you the option.” She smiled again and got out her diary to go through the schedule and ideas from the other group members. 

She wasn’t saying that simply to make me feel better; I knew she didn't care about the publicity. But she did care about people. This was a huge opportunity to raise funds and awareness for her charity. A charity that I depended on. Would I let my fear stop potential future members from being helped?

  
  


“Ok I think that's everything,” I closed my diary and finished off my third cup of tea.

Jenny had moved onto wine. “You're a star love, thankyou so much for all of your help.” 

We were walking back through the hall when she asked about Theo.

“We talk every day.” There was a text from him currently waiting on my phone. “But he hasn't asked to see me again. I don’t know, we get on really well but he’s, I mean he’s just so… He’s Theodore Taylor.”

“Who?”

I explained.

“Ahh, I see. And?”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to see me again.” 

“You don't know if you don't ask.”

I shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Don't you dare be thinking you’re not good enough.”

Putting his job and fame aside, he was spontaneous, easily sociable, full of energy and confidence. All things I wasn't. My worry wasn’t about being good enough. It was about being just… enough.

Jenny hugged me goodbye. “Be brave Lara.”

  
  


There was another reason why I was anxious about seeing Theo again, one that I didn't tell Jenny about. I hoped seeing his face would get the image of the Theo/Jeff nightmare out of my head. I walked through my front door and immediately pulled out my phone to reply to Theo’s text. There was also a missed call.

**“Can I call you when you're home? Txx”**

I called back. He answered, greeting me with a voice that was thick with sleep. I hadn't realised it was almost midnight.

“Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“No no don't go, you can wake me up anytime, I don't mind,” he said, in a smiley purring voice. 

Did he realise what he was doing to my blood pressure? Probably.

“I wanted to ask if you’re free tomorrow night?” He said.

“I am.”

“Perfect. Tom and May want to have a BBQ on the beach. Would you like to join us?” As an afterthought he added, “Olivia could come too?”

That was sweet, he knew I’d be nervous on my own. I didn’t let myself overthink it, I just said, “Yes.”

“Then Miss Quinn I will see you tomorrow, I’ll text you details later.” I could have sworn I heard him wink. My imagination was going mental.

Everyday I helped to restore old buildings. As long as they were still standing, they could be made not just useful, but beautiful again, even when others said they needed to be torn down. That thought gave me a rush of confidence; I was still standing.

Things that are damaged can be repaired.

Who knew what could happen tomorrow?

  
  


###  _ Tomorrow - Avril Lavigne _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again folks I just wanted to say thankyou for all the comments and encouragement! 
> 
> Its been had picking songs for each chapter, sometimes I could give a whole list, other times I cant decide!   
> Hope you like them so far!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get serious...

# Day 347 - Saturday

Like waiting to go on holiday, time went on and on, until the last few hours, when for some reason you find yourself in a mad rush, frantically packing last minute items and checking your tickets are safe for the millionth time.

I’d just hit the frantic stage.

Thanks to Olivia, my hair was now in gentle waves that sat on my shoulders. I was doing my face. Tonight was definitely a special occasion foundation kind of night. Basically, that meant using a more expensive brand rather than standard work day stuff. I finished off with a dusting of shimmery bronzer and customary flick of eyeliner.

I grinned into the mirror to check for any stray lipstick. Dad was a dentist, so had always been strict about looking after my teeth, which sucked as a kid - no fizzy drinks or sweets - but I was grateful for my straight white smile now. However, Dad was also to blame for my nose. _Thanks._ Far too big for my liking. Another reason why I emphasised my eyes.

“That's it!” Olivia cheered when she walked back into my room. “You look hot. Trust me, it’s like, so you. Just one more thing...” 

Heading for my wardrobe, she stepped over the pile of clothes that I’d tried on, then thrown to the floor in frustration. A lot of my older clothes were closely fitted. Now I was paranoid of anything tight. Because I could feel the uneven skin around my middle, I was convinced other people could see it.

She grabbed an oversized check scarf in shades of blush pink, white and tan and draped it over my shoulders, then looked into the mirror with me at the whole outfit. A soft white blouse with lace around the shoulders, tucked into black skinny jeans, boots, gold earrings and watch, plus my grey wool coat for when the sun went down. She was right, it was me, not too casual, not fancy or blingy either.

“Ready to go then hun?”

I nodded back, nerves already blocking my voice. She looked amazing in a dark blue jumpsuit, long straight hair pulled casually up into a messy bun, yet managing to look perfect. Sometimes, I couldn't help being envious. Not because of her long slim legs and naturally pretty face. I wasn’t ugly, at least not as long as I had clothes on. No, I envied her carefree, easy happiness. We used to be so similar. Would we still have been if Day Zero never happened?

I added my final item to the outfit - a smile. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Butterflies in my stomach evolved into a flock of large swans.

  
  


On the journey, Olivia chatted away about a new TV program and various bits of celeb gossip in-between singing along to the radio. Quite happy to have a full conversation on her own while I watched the blur of passing scenery, preparing a mental list of questions I could ask Theo in case my mind went blank.

Streets of stone buildings faded into an expanse of clear blue sky, dipping into green and brown fields, puddles left by the recent downpours glittered like pools of molten gold in the evening light.

Pulling off the road into the entrance, I gave her hand a squeeze with a whispered ‘here we go,’ trying to channel my nerves into excitement. I got out of the car, gave my appearance one last check over in the window reflection and was about to text Theo to say we had arrived when I saw a short, stocky man waving us over toward the office. He wore a striped suit straight out of an old Italian gangsta movie, all that was missing was a cigar.

“Lara Quinn?” He asked directly when we reached the door. I nodded and held my hand out to shake, which he accepted, a little roughly.

“Phillip Young. Mr Taylor's Manager.” He took us into the office. “I’m sorry to say that Mr Taylor will not be able to meet you tonight,” he said, offering me a chair. “After a discussion he re-evaluated the situation and we thought it best that I deal with matters from now on.”

I didn't understand. Theo didn't want to see me? What situation? Growing anxiety turned my thoughts into bolts of lightning, threatening to burst out of my ears.

“If you wouldn't mind,” he continued, handing me some papers, either ignoring, or blind to my confusion. “There are some forms to sign, basically they say we are prepared to pay for any medical expenses incurred by your recent accident as long as it all remains private.”

So _basically,_ he wanted to pay me off to keep my mouth shut. 

All traces of my nerves left, replaced by a bitter anger towards the bribe in my hand. _You knew this would happen._ Olivia stared at the forms, stunned into silence. Shock and anger; the only things that sent her quiet.

“I am sorry he took things this far. I tried to warn him.” Phillip spoke about Theo as if he were a child. I pushed the irritation of that aside, he wasn’t’ my concern anymore. “I do believe it’s for the best that you don’t see him again, especially in your… _Vulnerable_ state.” He paused to give me a thin smile. If he was trying to appear sympathetic, it failed.

He knew. He knew about me. 

Had he told Theo? Was that why Theo then sent this guy to 'deal' with me? Or was this all Phillip Young's decision? Why did I still care?

I wanted to run.

Scribbling a poor version of my signature onto the form, I thrust it back into his chest, eager to be rid of the poisoned paper. “You can tell Mr Taylor I don't want a penny of his hush money. And I am NOT vulnerable.” I turned and strode straight for the car, my knees weak but my hands solid fists. Unlike Olivia, anger did not make me go quiet.

She followed a minute behind. “I don't know what to say.”

“Don't say anything, let's go, please.”

My fingers had just touched the car door handle when Theo called out to me. I recognised his voice instantly. He approached from the beach path, still wearing period costume - a dark green waistcoat, black knee high boots with a matching green tail coat and hat slung over his arm. Bloody hell he was beautiful. Inexplicably, that made me even angrier. Plus the way he greeted me like nothing had changed. There was so much I wanted to say but I wouldn't do it justice now that cold and shivery panic were seeping through my body, so I ignored him and turned back to the car.

Running to catch me, he put his hand on the door. “Lara… what's wrong where are you going?”

 _Wrong?_ I’d let myself get caught up in his act, my guard had slipped, I’d been stupid enough to trust him, that’s what was wrong. My eyes stung from the threat of tears.

“What’s happened?” He moved closer.

Water began blurring my sight. Infuriating. It made me look weak. I would not be weak. Phillip’s word 'vulnerable' ran through my mind. To me, vulnerability implied I could be taken advantage of. I was strong enough to know my own mind, thank you very much. A flush of hot fury swept through my veins, not purely because of Theo and his manager. I felt the injustice of having the life I’d know ripped away from me. I felt the disgust every time I saw my scars, like an evil signature across my body. I felt the pure rage that choked me whenever I saw _his_ ghost white face in my imagination. It became impossible to separate those feelings from what was currently happening. _He_ made me a victim before. I wasn't going to be made one again.

I looked straight at Theo, his face questioning, eyes wide with worry. As if he cared. “Oh you are good. Really good, I hope you get your Oscar one day.”

“I don't know what you mean?” He smiled nervously and tried to hold my hand.

I slapped him. 

A swift sharp slap right across his cheek. 

My palm burned. “Don’t touch me.” Tears spilled onto my cheeks as my anger released. “You know exactly what I mean. Oh you almost had me fooled with your kindness, the compliments, the flirting! Was anything you said true? Actually, don't answer that, I don't care. And I don't want your money either.”

He raised a hand to his reddening face. “What? Wait, slow down... Money? Where’s all this coming from?” His expression was still surprised though his voice was firmer.

I snapped back, “Was this a game to you? And what, you're bored now you've realised I’m not easy, and you're not going to get what you want? Well don't worry, I signed your forms and I'll be out of your way.”

I turned back towards the car and forced my voice into a low and emotionless block of ice, “Turns out the stories are true then. You're not the man I hoped you were Theo. I'm not hurt, just disappointed.”

That line reminded me of dad. I once lied to him about being at a friend's house when really we were out clubbing. When he found out he didn't get mad, ground me or even shout, he only said he was disappointed in me. _'What if something had happened to you and we didn't know where you were Lara?'_ His concern and pain upset me more than any telling off would have, and I hoped that in some way it would affect Theo too. Even if it was a lie; I _was_ hurt.

Theo still had one hand against the car door, I tried to pull it open but he was too strong.

“What forms?” His eyebrows pulled to the center, creasing his skin as his other hand rubbed his forehead, cheek, down to his chin. He slowly repeated the question again, “What forms Lara?”

Catching my breath, I hesitated. Why would he pretend to not know about them, surely he should be glad I’d signed? I looked past him to Olivia, who stood a few steps behind him, her expression a jumble of emotions like a jigsaw puzzle with scrambled pieces.

“The confidentiality forms.” My answer came out breathless, I was tired of arguing. “The ones you sent so that you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.” 

“I promise you,” he softened, pleading with me. “I don't know what you're talking about. Who gave them to you?”

What was left of my anger dissolved into black hole which pulled at my insides, my gut, my lungs, my heart. Maybe I was wrong. “You sent them. Your manager Phillip Young, he said... he said you didn't want to see me, that you would pay me?”

Olivia interrupted, “Lara, let's get out of here, he's not worth it, he’s not worth anything.” She could see me getting upset.

At first, Theo had held his arm out to stop me leaving, now it seemed to be supporting his weight. His body sagged and his head dropped, losing all its energy.

“Olivia please,” he said. “I need to know what happened. How do you know Phillip and _what_ forms?”

She dug in her pocket and pulled out a copy of the document and handed it over. I’d been in so much of a hurry to leave that Phillip must have given it to her instead. As Theo read his body straightened again, muscles tensing, breath deepening, jaw setting in a tight clamp. On getting to the part about payment and things being kept private, he exhaled a loud sound of disgust, as if it were making him physically choke.

When finished, he screwed the paper into a ball and held it up in a fist. “When did he give you this?”

“Just now, in the office.” I wiped the last of the tears from my face, raising my eyes to the sky, blinking to dry them quicker.

Theo's hard expression immediately disappeared. He threw the paper to the floor and gently cupped my face in his hands, softly brushing his thumbs across my damp eyelashes. “I swear Lara, I knew nothing about this.”

“Please… let me go.” I went to pull away but my power crumbled.

His touch made me want to cry all over again, it was tearing down walls inside me, walls that I would collapse without. Could he have been telling the truth? A part of me told me to stay, to not give up, to let him explain. I didn't know him well enough to tell when he wasn't acting. _You don't know him at all._

“I’m not letting you go like this, when you’re obviously hurt,” he said. “I didn't when we met, and I am not going to now.” His hands slid from my face to my shoulders. “Olivia, would you please go and fetch Phillip from the office, tell him I need to see him right now.”

She wavered, half wanting to know what would happen, half not wanting to leave me. I nodded for her to go before leaning back onto the side of the car. Theo let me go but stayed close, a hand hovering above my arm. His fingers were shaking.

“I can’t believe he would do this,” he whispered. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or to himself.

Olivia emerged from the office a minute later with Phillip in tow. She jogged over to my side, leaving him behind. Theo waited for him to get halfway across the car park before taking a step forward. 

Everything about Theo - expression, body, voice - became focused, formidable. “What have you done?” He demanded.

Phillip halted, eyes darting from Theo, to me, back again. “Ah, come on now, we can talk about this later.” Squirming under Theo’s glare, he pulled at his shirt collar.

We were all surprised then by Tom and May appearing from the beach path. They stopped when they saw us all, as suddenly as if they had hit a solid wall. Tom started to ask what was wrong, to which Theo held up a hand, signalling for him to wait, his eyes never leaving Phillip.

“I asked you a question,” he growled again. “What have you done?”

“Mate, come on.” Phillip snorted. “Listen, this is no time to get emotional. Trust me.”

Theo took another few steps closer. I must have followed him - though I don't remember doing it - because I was clinging onto the back of his elbow, holding him back, suddenly afraid of what a person with his strength could do to someone like Phillip.

“Trust you?” Theo shook his head. “How can I trust you when clearly, you think it's fine to go behind my back and make decisions for me? I specifically told you to stay out of this.”

Cool relief trickled down my skin. He was telling the truth.

Phillip’s voice slithered through a fake smile as he carried on making excuses. “I was doing what's best. I was dealing with it, so you wouldn't have to.” I guessed I was the ‘it.’ Charming. “I was protecting you mate, not just you, but her too.” Phillip looked at me. “The press can be so unkind Lara, and with everything you've been through already…”

No. _Not in front of all these people._ Hate is a strong word. At that moment, I hated him, I hated him for the way he had manipulated Theo. I hated him for making me feel used and worthless in the way _he_ … the way Jeff had.

“Don’t!” I stepped forward, still holding onto Theo’s arm, his muscles tightly coiled under my fingers, ready to act like a runner poised on a startline. I pointed my other hand at Phillip, resisting the urge to poke a finger right into his smug face. “How dare you presume to know me or anything about me.”

I hate swearing, there are so many other more colourful and amusing ways of expressing yourself, but I have to admit; there were quite a few choice words running through my mind. Since living with me, Olivia knew me in a way know one else did. I’d always been careful to hide my outbursts after Day Zero from friends and family, I couldn’t hide them from her. She heard the screams at night, she understood how I had to psyche myself up every time I left the house. She saw the smashed glasses or plates on the kitchen floor when an uninvited memory would cause me to lose grip. She was also the only person who had seen me mad, and I mean _really_ mad, before.

“Larlar,” she said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. “We’re leaving.”

To her, Theo and Phillip were both a danger she wanted to protect me from.

“You’re not leaving.” Firm determination in Theo’s voice made us both turn to look at him. His frown deepened and he aimed his next words at Phillip, as sure and as deadly as an arrow. “He is.”

I held my breath, feeling again like I was in a black hole, time slowing as we waited for Theo to say something more.

Finally, he did. “You're fired Phillip.”

The smile dropped from Phillips' face. “Come on mate, you don't mean that.”

“I mean it. You are fired. And unless you want me to tell all of your current and prospective clients about how you acted today, without my consent, you will go, get your things and leave.”

Phillip went to protest again, Theo cut him off. Instead of raising his voice, he lowered it, making every syllable clear, precise, cold. “Get out of my sight.”

If he had shouted, it wouldn’t have been as powerful.

Men lost their temper all the time at work. Daniel would often shout, at his computer, at a tool that wasn’t working properly, at other men on site who refused to listen to safety rules and sometimes even, at me. I never got used to it, I hated confrontation. Theo’s anger was different, it wasn't coming from a hot headed temper.

I thought back to one of our first conversations. He said that body language was about reading between the lines, so I looked at him carefully; Clenched hands so tight that his knuckles were white, quick breaths, repeated tightening of his jaw. Underneath the surface - in between his lines - he was furious and uncomfortable, but he allowed his head to rule his actions. I wasn't sure whether to be frightened or impressed by how he kept his emotion under control.

I think I was both.

Defeated, Phillip turned and walked onto the road.

None of us wanted to be the first to speak into the air of silence that engulfed the spaces between us, holding us all frozen.

At last, Tom found the courage. “Is everyone alright?” Although he addressed everyone, he spoke mainly to Theo, walking over to give him a tentative pat on the back.

“Yes. Thank you Tom.” Theo took a breath and forced out a half smile, though it didn't reach his eyes. Pools of dark swirling chocolate stared at me when he turned back to take my hands. “Don't go Lara. Please stay, I need to talk to you.”

“I don't know...”

“Not like this,” he pleaded, assuring me it would only be the five of us.

I didn’t want it to end like that either. I nodded.

With a squeeze of my hand, he asked Tom and May to take Olivia and me to the BBQ while he changed.

“Thankyou,” he added quietly, with a quick kiss on my cheek. “I’ll be right behind you.”

I followed the three others down the narrow path to the beach. Worry, and curiosity, coloured the faces of Tom and May, although they didn't press for any details. They asked Olivia about her work and she responded brightly, in a chiming, higher pitch than normal. She was overcompensating, trying too hard to be happy, keeping the attention away from me while I recovered. Bless her.

Fine stone gave way to dirt, then sand as we got to the end of the path. Cool salty air and the smell of seaweed swept over my face, filling my lungs with calm. As it dropped closer to the horizon, the sun set the earth on fire with streaks of orange and red. Not far along, the sand brought us to where they had set up the BBQ. Blankets were spread on the ground surrounding a large metal bucket filled with wood, which Tom busied himself with lighting. Theo joined us a few minutes later, now wearing his black jeans and boots, this time with a dark red jumper. It suited him, the colour warmed his lightly tanned skin and dark features. He looked good in any era of fashion.

I turned away, feeling sick as my throat immediately tied itself in knots. My anger, and display of it, was a huge mistake and misunderstanding. I’d attacked Theo - again. I’d never meant to hurt him. There was no excuse for hitting another person like that. I never used to be so explosive. It was a poor reflection of me, and highlighted too clearly a new flaw in my personality. My mask of smiles was turning out to be a thin and fragile veil.

We caught each other's eye a few times - Theo and I - as he kept glancing warily over while helping Tom unpack a box of supplies. The silence between us was excruciating.

  
  


###  _Afterglow - Taylor Swift_

  
  


### *** THEO ***

“Wanna talk about it?” Tom asked carefully while unpacking the box of BBQ supplies.

Theo's first reaction was, no he didn't want to, yet the words began to spill from him as easily as water from an upturned glass.

“Wow,” Tom exhaled. “You did the right thing getting rid of him. What an ass.”

Theo allowed himself to laugh, letting go of his anger, although now feeling the worry of no longer having a manager. “I hope so. Damn it Tom, what do I do now? I don't know exactly what he said to her, it must have been bad to make her angry like that.” 

He caught Lara's eye again - shining like dark sapphires - she held her arms across her chest, clutching tightly at the scarf wrapped around her shoulders, clearly still anxious. Philip had led her to believe she’d been used, and she had believed it easily. Theo didn’t know whether that was down to her own insecurity or because of his reputation. Neither option made him feel any better.

Tom wondered, “What do you think Phillip meant about 'what she's been through?'”

Theo had suspected for a while there was something in Lara's past she kept close to her chest, guarded and secret. There was wisdom, and occasionally a pain in her words that only came from experience. 

But he answered, “I don't know.” 

His eyes drifted towards her again as the breeze played through her hair. She smiled at something May said, she had the kind of smile that you couldn’t help but return.

There was a cheeky glint in Tom's eye. “You really like this girl don't you?” 

“Yes.” Theo admitted without hesitation. “Every time we talk she surprises me. There's so much…”

He cut his words short as Lara approached them.

  
  


### *** LARA ***

I remembered the bottle of wine snacks in my bag, so grabbed them and went over to add them to the table. It was a small gesture I know, but I needed to do something to show remorse, and my gratitude for not also being told to get out of Theo’s sight.

“I didn't want to come empty handed so…” My voice cracked, I cleared my throat and tried again. “So please help yourselves.”

Theo leant over the table to take the wine, his hand touching mine as I passed him the bottle. He thanked me and gave me an apologetic smile in return.

Afraid of crying again, I went back to take my place on the blanket next to Olivia and May, and tried to join in with their conversation. They were talking about fashion and beauty, raving over various brands and trends. May winked at me, whispering that I looked lovely when she caught me sneaking a look at the mirror in my bag. I started to feel brighter again as their energy and laughter spread through the night air, then brighter still when the smell of cooking drifted our way.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Theo walk over, he knelt on the blanket just beside me. Wood crackled in the fire. I watched the swaying flames, enjoying the warmth on my skin. 

“What is it about an open fire that makes them so mesmerizing?” He pondered.

“It’s because,” I said, “They look so delicate and calm on the surface but underneath they’re alive and wild. Which makes them kind of beautiful.”

Olivia, along with May, pretended not to be listening. I looked over my shoulder. Golden light reflected in Theo’s eyes which were fixed, not the fire but on me, as if nothing else existed.

“Food won't be ready for another half hour. Walk with me?” Without waiting for an answer he got up, offering me his hand to follow.

I brushed the sand from my legs, even though there wasn’t any there, took Theo’s hand and stood. Neither of us spoke again as we walked towards the dunes, the same as we had done two weeks before. The only sounds were the splashing of waves and the occasional whoosh of a breeze over the sand.

How would I even begin to apologise? I had too, sooner rather than later. _Be Honest._ That was all I could do. My feet stopped, the effort of speaking took up all my focus. Air became thick like treacle, sticking in my throat.

“Theo, I don't know where to start, my behavior earlier was…” _Shameful_.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He shook his head. “If I’d said those things and sent those forms, then I would’ve thoroughly deserved everything I got.”

“But you didn't. It was all a mistake… That's not the point, I was wrong to blow up like that, there’s no excuse.” My cheeks were burning. I spoke quickly, trying to get everything out before he could stop me again. “I know you said to stop apologising, but this time I really need to. Please Theo, I am _so_ truly sorry for hitting you.”

He looked down. “It’s ok.” Then smiled. “I forgive you.”

Light returned to his eyes as he accepted my apology and put the event into the past, as if it were just another piece of paper, balled up and thrown aside. Forgotten.

“Hey,” he grinned. “You did say nothing about us was conventional.” We carried on walking. “I couldn’t let you leave earlier knowing you would hate me. I’m not trying to defend myself but I can at least explain. Phillip was way out of line. I can't quite believe…” A slow exhale shook his chest. “The reason I hired him in the first place was to help me out of a situation which became very public and created a lot of problems, even for my family.”

He kicked out at a few stones. “I was in a bad place. Don't get me wrong, it was all my own fault but, well, put it this way, if you’d met me a year ago, you definitely would _not_ have let me get in your car.”

I guessed the stories were true then.

At the top of the dune he sat amongst the grass, overlooking the bay. I sat next to him, feeling that he had more to say. He told me of when he got his first big acting role, of how fame and the attention it brought hit him over night. He later became involved with his co-star and then, with the life she led; one of constant partying and traveling, always wanting to be seen, to be popular, a ‘social influencer’ as they say.

Bitterness nipped at the edge of his words. “I convinced myself that she loved me and our life was normal. I acted the way people expected me too. Arrogant, hard.” He barked in a cold sarcastic voice, “A bad boy.”

All the while he opened up his history, his life, and even heart to me, I sat listening in silence. Barely moving so as not to distract him, telling myself not to stare, to focus on the lights of the town reflecting across the water. Each time I looked away, I was soon drawn back.

During that time period of almost a year, he explained, he hadn't seen or spoken to his family.

“Deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was fooling myself. I didn’t want to see their disappointment in me.” He looked away, lines drawing into his face, cracking its way through his confidence.

Finally it all came crashing down when one night, he came home to find that his partner, Yasmin, had yet again filled their house with people, most of which he didn’t know.

“I walked in feeling like a stranger,” he said, describing the devastation he felt as he saw his possessions and his home being destroyed. The last straw was walking into his room to find Yasmin with another man. 

“She wasn’t even sorry.” Pain cut through his whispered voice.

Betrayal wasn’t a sharp blade that left a clean cut, it was a pair of blunt scissors that tore and pulled the edges, leaving them frayed and raw.

All Yasmin did was laugh and ask Theo to join in. My hands unconsciously rose to cover my face, hiding the embarrassed heat in my cheeks.

He was carefully tearing a piece of long grass into thin shreds. “The tower of lies I built my life on collapsed. She didn’t love me. I was just another prop to make her way up the social ladder. So I walked out with nothing but the clothes on my back and got on the next plane to the only place and the only people I had left. Home. So much for my being able to read people.”

I wanted to reach out to him; my heart raced. I couldn’t risk falling apart again. All I did was lean closer, touching my shoulder to his. It wasn’t enough. I was so used to being split double - feeling one way but saying or acting another - that I couldn’t remember how to rejoin the two. The walls I’d built to protect me were making me cold. Another new flaw.

A few days after returning home to his family the stories in the media started. Unforgiving and explicit rumor's from nameless sources. Only of course, they were from Yasmin.

“‘ _For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours?’”_ Again, his phrase reminded me of something I’d heard before, was he quoting something maybe? “She wanted to destroy my reputation before I had the chance to expose her,” he continued, “As if I would! Anyway, that’s why I needed Phillip. He had the power and connections to put a stop to the bad press. And it worked. For a while,” he sighed. “Until a few weeks ago, when we were standing right here. I had some bad news; a heads up from a friend in the states that she said something about me in an interview. Seems like no one can stop her.”

So that must have been the text he received. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and leaned his head back into the breeze. I realised how long I’d been quiet, though I didn’t know what to say, or quite why he was telling me everything. Silently, he leant forward, breaking the barrier of my personal space. I let him.

“Lara? I need to know something.” _Oh no,_ _please don’t ask about what Philip said_. “Did you mean what you said before - That you believe it's more important who a person is trying to be and who they want to be, rather than who they were?” Eyes searched my face for the answer, wanting it to be true. 

“Yes. Of course I believe it.” I had to.

“Good.” He grasped one of my hands. 

His hand was large enough to wrap completely around mine, cocooning it in a warm, gentle grip. I wasn’t the person he thought either. No one tells strangers or acquaintances their innermost thoughts and secrets, that was why first impressions of people are very rarely true. Didn’t everyone have a face, a persona of themselves that they put on to some extent? I suppose for some people that persona was further from the truth than for others. There was a risky line hidden in between being guarded and being deceptive.

He smiled to himself. “You have probably heard ‘ _such different accounts’_ of me that they puzzle you exceedingly Miss Quinn.”

It clicked. 

I knew why some of his phrases were familiar; he was quoting from Pride and Prejudice! “You do puzzle me Mr Taylor, or should I say... Mr Darcy?”

“You read Austen?” His eyebrows shot up.

“I read a lot of things.”

“Hmm, then that’s embarrassing.”

I thought it was kinda cute. “Why?”

“Because now you'll realise that all the times I manage to sound intelligent, are actually just memorised quotes.” He laced my fingers between his.

“I don't think you need to quote people to sound intelligent, you do it very well on your own.”

“Unlike Mr Darcy though, who hadn't done anything wrong, I thoroughly deserved my reputation.” He frowned. “I’m afraid that I've been more of a Wickham.” 

Mr Wickham was the scoundrel, ladies man, bad guy. 

Theo looked away again. “You were right earlier, I’m not the man you think. At least, not yet. But I want to be.”

“Then that means you're nothing like Wickham.” I gripped his hand, stealing some of his fearless honesty. “Wickham never admitted to his mistakes and he never made any effort to change. And it means we have something in common.” He glanced into my eyes. “We’re both trying to be better.”

One corner of his mouth lifted into a smile as he stared at our intertwined hands. Opening up to him, even just a little, didn’t make me feel weak, it made me feel free. A giddy heat came from his hand. I bit my lip.

“You really need to stop doing that.” Theo told me off again, pressing the thumb of his free hand to my lips.

An ember of my anger sparked back into life. “Fine, I said it’s a bad habit ok?”

 _What was his problem?_ I tried to pull my hand away but he held it tighter, starting to chuckle. It always made his eyes crinkle at the sides. I frowned and tried to pull free again but this time he lifted my chin, forcing me to make eye contact.

“It's not a bad habit Lara but it is a dangerous one. _”_

Something about the look in his dark eyes and rich tone of voice made me want to know what kind of danger. The distance between our faces was uncomfortably small. It wasn’t small enough. I took a shaky gulp of air - he noticed - it made him chuckle again.

“Come on,” he said, “I should get back before Tom burns everything.” He stood, pulling me up after him. 

We didn’t talk on the way back.

He didn’t let go of my hand either.

  
  


Halfway home, my phone buzzed.

**“Thank you so much for staying tonight. I wanted you to know the truth... you’re a good listener. T.xx”**

“So…” Olivia glanced over from the driver's seat. “What happened? You looked pretty happy when you got back from your walk.”

“Did I?” I asked innocently.

She was better with people than me. That’s why I always shared everything with her - even the text messages with Theo - I valued her opinion and needed her help. Now, a part of me felt I would be going against his trust if I repeated his story, even to my best friend. I told her that we had both apologised. That was all.

**“Thankyou for sharing it with me, I won't tell anyone. I promise. L.xx**

**“I know. I trust you… Goodnight beautiful T.xx**

  
  


###  _Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've never heard the Taylor Swift song Afterglow before, please look it up... the lyrics were just perfect.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little conversation...

#  Day 348 - Sunday

My foot tapped the floor to the rhythm of my music, my hands drummed a beat into my thighs. I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting on the end of my bed having a mental battle with my phone. It had gone dark while I was there. Every time I pressed call, I chickened out and hung up before it could ring.  _ Be brave. Do it. _

“Lara.” Theo answered. The ‘r’ was almost a growl. I collapsed backwards onto my bed. “I was worried I wouldn't hear from you again.”

His text from earlier in the day had sat in my inbox, without a reply. 

I started to say ‘I’m sorry’ then stopped myself. “I've been at my parents all day, and…”  _ Be honest.  _ “I’m still processing what happened yesterday.”

“I understand.” The phone speaker vibrated from his deep breath. “Yesterday was a lot to process. I wouldn't have blamed you for not calling. I’m glad you did though. Very glad.” He sounded tired.

Sometimes I became so preoccupied with how people saw me - controlling my expressions and my appearance to appear ‘normal’ - that I forgot to see how things affected them.  _ Selfish. _ I hadn’t thought enough about how he felt. The same way I hadn't seen how my staying quiet after Day Zero made Mom’s worries even greater, or how my friends had suffered.  My way of coping was all back to front.

Theo felt betrayed. Again. It had hurt him enough to fire Phillip and risk facing the consequences. They didn’t call it being ‘stabbed in the back’ for no reason. Trust me, that was one thing I did understand, literally and figuratively. Both were agonising. Both took a long time to recover from.

“What will you do now?” I asked. “Will you have to replace Phillip?”

“No. I don't want a manager again. I think it's time for me to be in control of my own life. I’ll go back to my agent for help with the PR side. I should have let her deal with it in the first place.” He perked up. “You know, there was a minute there when I thought you were going to slap him too. I have to say, that  _ would _ have been fun to witness.”

“Ha, believe me, I wanted to. I've come up against  _ far _ worse men than him.” A shudder crossed my shoulders. “I really need to work on my temper though,” I admitted with a sigh. “Look, I don't know anything about PR or how agents and things work, but I do know stories disappear. Especially if they aren't true. All you can do is carry on being yourself Theo. Prove them wrong. The people that really matter will know the truth.”

Did I honestly just tell someone to be yourself? Such a hypocrite.

He went quiet for a while. I lay there listening to his slow breathing. If I closed my eyes I could still feel his hand around mine.

“You’re right,” he said, “I have to be patient. Something I am not very good at.” I couldn't imagine him being ‘not very good’ at anything. “Lara, would you do me a favour?”

“Anything.” I replied without thinking. 

His deep throaty chuckle charged the air. I pushed my face into a pillow.

“Hmm anything? I may call in that favour another day Miss Quinn, but for now… We’ve been honest with each other right from the start, so promise me something?”

We had been. Mostly. I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me. “Ok.”

“Don’t Google me,” he said. “If there's anything you want to know, anything at all, ask me.”

It was a strange request, but one I completely understood. “I promise. As long as you promise to do the same.” Stupid, stupid thing to say. It was obvious why he would ask, but me?  That was like telling a child not to touch something, now they would want to touch it even more.

“I promise,” he said. I could tell he was smiling. “Some dodgy drunken photos lucking on an old Facebook page somewhere?”

Relief spread down my rigid spine. “Oh, yeah, something like that.”

There probably were some from my college days. If you looked hard enough.

So much for my being honest. 

We carried on talking as he walked back to his caravan from the set, sharing stories about school days and old antics. He was three years older than me. I’m not sure why, I thought he was older. Maybe because he had lived with a partner, something I’d never come close to. We could have been at school together. He played the guitar, maybe he would have even joined our band. His name would definitely have been on the inside of my pencil case, surrounded by a heart. Not that it would have made a difference, he undoubtedly would have been popular, and the popular guys never looked at me like  _ that _ . They all well and truly friend-zoned me. I was confident and chatty back then, however I enjoyed learning and never got into trouble, meaning I often got called a teacher's pet. It was only being in the band that redeemed me from the position of ‘Swat’ and lifted me into the slot of a slightly ‘Cool Geek.’ Slightly.

Still lying on my bed, absently twirling hair around my fingers, I laughed as Theo described trying to make a cup of tea in this tiny caravan, elbows knocking things over everywhere he turned.

“I hate to say it,” he said, “But I really have to go in the shower now, so unless you want to join me...”

A hot shiver ran from my chest to my toes. “If it's anything like the rest of your caravan, I doubt we’d fit.” Pitiful example of my flirting skills.

“Oh,” he breathed, “I'm sure we could find a way.”

I imagined looking up into his eyes, the feel of his smooth skin as I lifted his shirt... Woah. I shivered again, inhaling a sharp breath.

“Lara, are you biting your lip again?” 

“No.” I was.

“Liar.” 

“How did yo...”

His chuckle evolved into a groan, fading into a sigh. “Goodnight Lara.”

I put the phone down, my body full of bubbles, and electricity.

And fire.

  
  


###  _ I Think He Knows - Taylor Swift _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hope your still enjoying Lara's tale! I know all writers hate having to do this but... If you are then please share 😊 it's my dream to one day get this story up to publishing standards, and every one of your comments and likes gives me the motivation! ❤️❤️❤️   
> Elle x


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little trip back in time...

# Day 1

Muffled voices surrounded me, indistinguishable and distant. A pressure on my arm was followed by a sharp sting. I didn't react. My mind wouldn’t focus, all I felt was a heavy ache, a blurred blackness. I went back to sleep.

  
  


# Day 3

“Lara. Lara? Can you hear me?”

It must have been daytime; my eyelids were bright red from the glow of outside light. Was I late for work? Why was I still asleep? The light burned as I forced my eyes open.

“Good to see you, Lara. Try and stay awake, focus on me.”

Who was that? _Leave me alone._ A dull throb spread throughout my body. Light and shapes gradually formed into recognisable things. Windows, ceiling tiles, an armchair. 

The man's voice carried on talking, not just to me, there was someone else I couldn't see.

“We’ll bring her around slowly so we can manage any pain. That’s it, Lara look at me, it's ok you're in the hospital. You're safe. Your parents are right here.”

Glasses made his eyes look bigger than they should, the glass sometimes caught the sunlight, sending faint spotty patterns shooting across the ceiling like a subdued, half-hearted disco ball. As my vision cleared, I saw that his hair was grey, and he wore a badge on his white jacket: ‘Mr Howard. Surgical Dept’

I didn't get why surgeons weren't called Dr. _Wait_ , why was I in hospital? The ache in my body was intensifying, pins and broken glass floated through in my blood. An especially sharp pin made my leg flinch and my eyes water. It also brought a second of clarity. Jeff. That was why I was in hospital.

My body tensed, stirring from its heavy sleep. I blinked, I was on the office floor, readying myself for the next blow, _where is he?_ I blinked again and I was outside in the mud, _run Daniel, we need to run._ Someone started shouting and Mr Howard called for a nurse, they both held my arms as the shouting turned into pained groans.

“Give her the stat dose of oxycodone now.” I heard him say, then push something into the tube on my arm. Drowsiness filled my limbs as I fell under the paralyzing liquid spell of the drugs. “Mrs Quinn, please, come closer.”

Mr Howard turned away and beckoned for her to come. _No, it's not safe._ I kept blinking. Daniel disappeared. I was back in the small room, everything bright and white, except for the armchair in dark red leather; its colour made me think of my blood dripping from Jeff’s knife. The nurse wore blue scrubs, he was still holding my shoulder onto the bed. The groaning in the background stopped.

It was me all along.

My mother stepped from behind a screen. She was wearing her favourite bright blue coat, she smiled when she saw me. Even though her face was pale with puffy, red eyes from crying, she had never looked more beautiful to me. My mom. Standing in front of me. Not a dream.

“It's ok baby, you're safe, I’m here,” she soothed.

I felt like a child again, longing to run to her so she could cuddle and cwtch me up, healing my wounds with kisses and brightly coloured plaster.

My eyes filled with tears and her’s followed. She rushed to my side and wrapped shaking arms around me. Minutes passed by while she kept hold of me. Dad joined in, turning us into a bundle of tangled, intertwined arms. Our tears dried but I clung on, afraid that if I ever let go, they would disappear and fade into darkness all over again.

  
  


Mr Howard walked back into the room and asked to examine me. I’m not sure how long he’d been gone. I couldn't remember him leaving. He checked various charts along with the readings on the machines next to me. When finished, he hung his file back above my bed and stood next to me, expression lifting from intense concentration into warm concern.

“Are you in any pain Lara?” He asked. “Scale of one to ten.”

My back was in agony, every nerve along the path of the knife's edge screamed out at me, but I didn't want to go back to sleep or to worry my parents, so I gritted my teeth. “I’m ok. Six.” It was probably more like eight.

He seemed unconvinced. “I’ll give you more painkillers in a little while so you can rest. You're doing extremely well. When you arrived you were unconscious. Your heart had stopped briefly due to the blood loss but we took you straight into surgery, repaired the internal injuries and stopped the bleeding. There is muscle and nerve damage but I expect you to make a full recovery.” He nodded a smile onto his face.

My mind repeated some of the words back - heart, surgery, _damage_ \- they may as well have been a different language, confusing and meaningless. 

All I knew was that I survived. 

_I’m alive._

###  _Carry You - Ruelle_

# Day 10

Clinking of cups and the rattle of trays signalled breakfast was on its way up the ward. The welcome smell of toast and coffee roused an empty grumble from my stomach. I never slept properly at night so I spent every minute of every day feeling sluggishly drunk and semi-conscious. There were little pots of jam to go with the toast. I tried to smile. It was a movement that my body didn't seem ready to make yet, like a baby animal taking its first steps, it was shaky and clumsy.

My memory was clear now, too clear. First, I had to retell the events to doctors, police, then again to another detective. I memorised the quickest and easiest way. They weren’t interested in how it made me feel, so I focused on the details, giving times and specifics, that way there were no follow up questions. It didn't sound like me anymore, my voice became robotic, cold and matter of fact as I separated myself from the words, from the pain. Each time drained my energy as if I was living it all over again, forced to re-watch a horrific movie that never ended, even if I closed my eyes.

The first question I asked was if they caught _him_. The police 'couldn't comment’ at the time, which I guessed meant no. He was still out there. Somewhere. My second question was about Daniel, unsure if his being there had been another trick of my imagination. It wasn’t. He had stayed with me in the ambulance, then with my parents until I was out of surgery. Apparently, he’d been told I was awake. 

Where was he now? Why hadn't he come to see me yet?

  
  


At 3 pm the doctors did their afternoon rounds and checks, adding more notes to charts and asking the usual questions. I was surprised to see Mr Howard headed my way along with a woman I didn't recognise. My mom had dozed off in the armchair next to me so I quickly nudged her awake.

He greeted me like an old friend, face beaming and pebble grey eyes shining. “Lara, good to see you, I have good news. This is Dr Carter.” He gestured towards the woman. “She's here to talk about your transfer to a hospital in Wales.” 

A weight lifted from my chest. “You mean I can move? Closer to home?”

That meant my parents wouldn't have to stay at my little flat or look like exhausted zombies with all the travelling back and forward. And I would be able to see my friends.

“Yes, you can.” Answered Dr Carter, her mass of red curls bouncing as she spoke. “It will be a slow recovery process, even after you leave the hospital, so we believe it'll help to be nearer your family if that’s something you’d like?” I said yes without any hesitation. “Right, I'll start the arrangements then.” 

I lay back on the hard bed, a small glint of light and hope coming into view at the end of a black gloomy tunnel.

There was just one problem.

I waited till after the doctors left. “Mom, I need to see Daniel. Can you call him please?”

  
  


# Day 11

As far as days in hospital go, it started out a good one. Mr Howard came to confirm that my move would go ahead in a few days. 

As he turned to leave, I caught his hand. “Mr Howard… the words don't even exist to say how grateful I am.”

“You don't need to say anything Lara. Just concentrate on getting better.” He patted and my hand before carrying on as normal. 

He had probably saved my life. I never saw him again.

Morning visiting hours came and went. No Daniel. Dad arrived, bringing a bag of supplies; my favourite chocolate - Galaxy - more cards that had arrived in the post to my flat and a new toothbrush. He then took Mom's place in the armchair while she went for lunch. They were my 24-hour bodyguard service.

“Dad you don't have to be here all the time you know, I'm ok. Please, you look wrecked, go back to the flat and get some sleep.”

“We’re fine sweetie, stop worrying. I wouldn't sleep knowing you're here alone.” He went back to reading the paper.

“I've lived on my own…” I wanted to say that I would be ok, but I said that before I left home and look where I ended up. So I said, “I’ll manage.” The sight of a blonde man in a navy suit approaching made my pulse jump. “Dad at least go and have lunch with mom, I'm not alone, look, Daniels here.”

Daniel walked towards my bed, turning nurses and patients' heads along the way, that was the kind of power he had. Mind you, the suit was _very_ fitted, even by his standards. I didn't want to think about how I looked. He flashed me a pure white smile. My heart immediately started racing. I hoped it wouldn't show up on the monitors.

“Mr Quinn, good to see you.” He shook hands with Dad before coming to sit next to me on the bed. He never had understood the concept of ‘personal space.’ Not that I had ever minded.

Dad kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll leave you to catch up and join your mom for lunch.”

He said it like it was his idea.

Soon as he left, Daniel dropped the bravado - the way he normally did when it was only the two of us - and let more of his northern childhood accent breath through. “Sorry I didn't come see you sooner, I thought you'd wanna be with your family.” 

“I understand. Thanks.” I had thought of him every day, of all the things I wanted to say. Now he was here, my mind was empty.

Apart from the doctors and police, he was the only person who knew fully what had happened to me. It was a strange feeling, knowing someone had seen you at the worst possible moment in your life. Exposing, like you shared an intimate secret. It also released me of any self-conscious nerves; nothing I did could possibly be as embarrassing as what he had already seen.

He lifted my arm onto his lap, pressing my hand between his. “You look good.”

“Ha, whatever.” I rolled my eyes, my muscles finally remembering how to smile.

“Alright… you look better than last time I saw you.” His laugh quickly disappeared into a frown, apologising for his attempt to joke.

If I looked too closely, I could still see a reflection of myself floating over his deep blue eyes; Me lying half-naked on the floor covered in my own blood. The memory made me shudder.

“Don't scare me like that again Quinn.”

“I won't.”

“After all, who else could I get to translate my terrible writing?”

I gripped his hands. I wanted him to wrap his broad arms around me the way he used to, I wanted him to tell me those three words again so I knew they weren't a dream. _I love you._

There were things about Daniel that drove me mad; he could be arrogant, a show-off. He loved ridiculously expensive clubs and hotels, designer clothes and sports cars. When we first met there was an endless stream of girlfriends, often more than one at a time. His lifestyle couldn't be any more opposite to mine. He flirted with _everyone_ , which made me nervous at first. I quickly learnt to ignore it. As time went on, I made fun of him for it. Then I started to enjoy it. The secret wink when I arrived in the morning. The hidden hand around my waist in the office. The late night 'business meetings’…

“Daniel.” I choked on the thickening air. “If you weren't there.” 

“Don’t you dare try n’ thank me.” He squeezed my hand so tightly it hurt but I didn't say anything. “I should never have let you work alone.” 

“It's not your fault. Someone has to open up. It could have been anyone.” Tears welled in my eyes.

He shook his head, leaned in closer. “I didn’t know what to do. Do you… how much do you remember?”

“I remember hearing you arrive, it's kind of all blurry after that.” 

Eyes on our hands, he simply nodded. He didn't remind me of what he’d said. He didn't want me to know. _Why?_ Tears stung again. Was it only a lie, a desperate attempt to help a dying woman?

No. _Please._

I lay back, pulling my hands away.

“So what’s been happening since?” I asked.

“The police have completely shut down the site until they finish the investigation.” A few stray strands of blonde hair fell over his eyes. “I told them, take the whole office container. I don’t want it now.”

My blood must have been everywhere. I remembered pulling a computer off a desk, my hands started going cold and sweaty.

“Daniel, I told mom to call you because I wanted to see you before I go.”

He finally looked up again. “Go? Go where?” 

“I’m being transferred to a hospital nearer to home. It’ll be easier for my family, the doctors say it’s going to be a slow process. It's not like I can just get up and walk out of here in a few weeks. I’ll have to have physio, and help.” 

Knowing how much I hated having to be helped, he reached for my hands again. “When will you come back?”

“I… I don't know.” 

I loved my job but I wanted to get as far away as possible, to feel the safety of distance and the comfort of home, the sense of calm that comes from knowing your surroundings.

He nodded, then smiled, flicking a switch and his focus back into boss mode. “Don’t worry about work, we’ll sort something out.”

“You don’t have to keep me on,” I said, “I don't want special treatment.”

“Ay, when have I ever given you special treatment?” He winked. I felt my cheeks blush.

I almost quit once before, not long after starting. We had an office party. Daniel had been drinking so I gave him a lift home. He invited me in. _Nothing_ to do with work if you get my gist. Afterwards, I couldn’t shake the sickening doubt that he had hired me purely because of being a woman, rather than for my actual ability. However, he didn't mention it the next day, or ever again, so I put it down to him being drunk and hoped he’d forgotten. But after that he changed, he started to relax around me. He gave up trying to show off.

A few weeks later, on the way home from a meeting, we stopped to get dinner and ended up talking for hours about work and our shared love for restoring old buildings, comparing dream houses and locations. He was intelligent and wickedly funny. He also opened up a little about his past. His father had been an abusive alcoholic so he’d grown up mostly with his grandparents. Such a shame that it was only when he stopped trying to be noticed, that the nicer side of Daniel David could actually show through.

That was the first time I let him kiss me.

“I'm keeping you on because you're the best designer we’ve ever had. And,” he said, a grin emerging, “I was already planning on making you my partner when Clarke retires. David Quinn Construction, how does that sound?”

It sounded perfect, and what I’d been working for. A wave of excitement lifted me off the bed. “Are you serious? What about Peter?” Peter had been with the company long before me.

Daniel’s business face had now completely replaced the rare emotional one. “Peter’s great at his job now,” he said, “But we both know he falls apart when he gets put in charge. He's smart. He’s not practical. The guys run rings round him, not you though. They all love you…” There was a glint back in his eyes - the one that always made my knees buckle - a charm that he could turn on and off in a split second. “You know what you're talking about in the office. You also know your way around a building site.” A tanned, soft hand swept gently over my forehead. “I want _you_ Quinn.”

Did he honestly not understand how much he already had me?

I bit down hard on my lower lip, it was a new, stupidly annoying nervous habit.

“Think about it.” He smiled. “No need to rush to make a decision now.”

“I will,” I promised. The enormity of what he was offering pulled me back to earth with a thud.

“Grand. Well, take care of yourself. I’ll be in touch.” He pressed his hands firmly around mine a final time before standing to leave, giving me one last smile as he walked away and leaving me overwhelmed, excited, flattered... disappointed. 

Empty.

  
  


###  _i love you - Billie Eilish_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so... Enter Daniel ;-)


	15. Chapter 15

#  Day 349 - Monday

“I think he really likes you,” Olivia concluded about Theo. “He wouldn't have bothered coming to meet your boring old mates and watch a film if he didn’t. He’d be off somewhere fancy with his celeb friends.”

Spring sun broke through the low clouds, warming up the small garden in the centre of the town offices where we sat, eating our lunch. It made the brick walls surrounding us glow with orange light.

She had a point. Although the more I learned about Theo, the more I doubted he enjoyed the whole ‘celeb’ part. Still, why would he want to hang around with us? What was he getting out of it? I started to worry if I’d been giving the wrong signals. I liked him, and was attracted to him yes - hell yes - but I wasn't ready for... for  _ that.  _ The memory of his hand in mine floated through my mind like the echo of a dream.

“I’d like, be straight with him, ask him what he wants.” She suggested, casually flicking a grape into her mouth.

“Yes  _ you _ would, because you're not afraid of anything. You know how awkward I get.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “That's not true, I’m afraid of lots of things. And yeah, you're awkward, some guys find that cute though. Daniel David, case closed.” 

I resisted arguing with her about Daniel. All she knew was that I used to fancy him and that he tried it on after the works do. I didn't know how to explain the re st, or the weird bond between us.

“Hey,” she laughed, “Remember that time I dared you to say the word ‘sexy’ to a boy at school? O.M.Geeee. “It took you forever and you went beetroot for hours.”

I was 13 at the time. During a French lesson, I managed to slip it into a conversation with Ashley Pope. He didn't even notice. Ashley Pope was the boy I had been cursed with sitting next to for a year thanks to the stupid alphabetical seating plan. I say cursed because he was one of those people who could  _ never _ sit still. He constantly tapped, swayed or bounced his knees which rattled the desk. He also thought it was hilarious to make farting sounds with his armpit. Every single bloody day.

“I do. You hid my guitar and wouldn't give it back unless I did,” I quipped, “Remind me again how we stayed friends?” 

“Because you love me and you need me for my dependable and honest advice?”

“Oh sure.” I grinned and stole some of her grapes.

Music drifted from one of the windows above us so I hummed along to the opening lines of Taylor Swift's Wildest Dreams. I thought of meeting Theo and driving out of town. (The magic of music.) I was already longing to see him again.

My phone chimed, reminding us to go back to work. Olivia had rolled up her sleeves and was spread across a bench, eyes closed, trying to catch every possible drop of sunlight.

Picking up my bag, I tapped her head. “Come on you, back to work.”

“Yes boss.”

“You know I hate it when you call me boss.”

“I know. That's why I do it.” She giggled, ducking out of the way of a grape I threw in her direction.

We made our way up three flights of stairs to the top floor where gold lettering, ‘David Quinn Construction’ marked our door. Every time I saw it, I had to pinch myself that the ‘Quinn’ was really me.

In the centre of our floor sat a large meeting table, around that were an assortment of mixed and matched chairs. Some were new, others were picked up second hand, I’d then either painted them or sanded them back to natural wood. The walls were all a light shade of sky grey, decorated with abstract paintings in soft splashes of blue, green, pink and coral orange - the colours of flowers and landscapes. Large pots containing ferns and palms were scattered around. Being on the top floor of the converted warehouse meant we had a high open ceiling, showing off the bare metal roof structure and large skylights which bathed the room with sunlight.

Olivia took her seat at the reception desk, I carried on to my office. When I opened the door, shock nearly sent my remaining coffee flying across the room.  His scent hit me first - fresh, citrus - then the dazzling blue eyes.

“Daniel! What the… What are you doing here?” 

He stood from behind my desk sporting a silver-grey suit and pale pink shirt.  It was one of my favourite combinations. We spoke to each other every day but the last time we met in person was at his house the day I left London. I could remember every painful second of it clearly.  I scratched away the prickling shiver from the back of my neck. His blonde hair had grown since, it swept back off his fac e like a wave made of sand.

“Hello to you too.” He grinned at my stunned expression, crossed the room and enclosed me in a close, tight hug.

“Sorry. Hi, how are you?” I let myself relax into his arms. I couldn't help it, it was good to see him again.

“Aye all good. So are you by the look of things.” He stepped back, hands on my shoulders to shamelessly look me up and down. 

I turned away to hang my bag on the back of the door.

“You've cut your hair,” he said, “I like it. And I like what you've done with the place. Rustic, homely, authentic. Very you.”

I was surprised he noticed my hair being a few inches shorter. Not quite so flattered though about being compared to a rustic warehouse. “And your hair is longer. Let me guess, you’ve been banned by every hairdresser in London because of never calling them back?” Quite a lot of his ex-girlfriends were hairdressers.

“You know me too well. I have to get me Nan to cut it these days.” 

We slipped effortlessly back into our old ways. It was easy to be around him, as long as the conversation stuck to work or petty banter. 

I skirted around him to sit at the desk. It was  _ my _ office after all. “So how can I help? Or did you drive four hours just to pop by and check up on me?”

“Nope. I trust you. Doing a fantastic job. I made the perfect choice, having you as a partner.” Trust him to give himself credit. He shot me a crooked smile and sat on the desk, one foot propped on the side of my chair. “We potentially have a huge client coming our way, they have a chain of bars across the country, including one in Cardiff, that all need renovating. I need your help with designing plans for the pitch.”

“Oh wow, that is huge. Isn't that the architect's job though?” I mainly oversaw finishes - flooring, fixtures and decor - not structural design.

“Yes, and I have the drawings with me already. This guy hasn't got a clue about building though so these plans won't mean anything.” His leg was practically leaning against my side. “I need you to bring them to life, give them your artistic touch, show him what the finished places will look like.” A smile was trying to charm me into working with him.

He didn't need to try, my head was already swimming with ideas and my feet were tapping happily under the desk. I replied coolly, hiding my excitement. “What was that again Daniel… You  _ need _ me?”

His laugh boomed through the office, filling every square inch of air. “Come off it Quinn, I know inside that pretty head you've already picked out stationery for the presentation.” He pointed a perfectly manicured finger my way. “Haven't you?” 

A smile cracked through my blasé pretence.

“I told you,” he said. “But fine, have it your way.” Bringing his face level with mine, and very close, he said, “Lara, I need you.”

He rarely called me Lara, except for when we were… when we were alone. I wasn’t proud of the flutter that ran through my chest. I looked away to switch on the computer, even though I didn’t need it.

“I'm glad to hear you admit it,” I said, “But actually, you had me at a bar in Cardiff.”

He set a hand onto my shoulder. “We’ll work on it together over the next few days and I’ll head back Friday. Don't mind if I crash at your place do you?”

My mouth gaped; not a sound came out. How could I say no when he put me on the spot like that? Especially as it was his company that renovated my place. For free. “Um yeah, no problem, there’s a sofa bed in the office, nothing up to your five star standards though.” I hoped he would change his mind and prefer a hotel with a proper bed.

“That'll do,” he accepted.  _ Great. _ Why could I never say no? “Be good to work together again Quinn. Got a few things to sort out first, see you there say, half six?” He opened the office door.

I pulled my face tightly into a smile. “Yeah, see you later.”

Striding from the office, he made Olivia jump. She stood to shake his hand, fussing with her hair, her cheeks reddening. That only made me more anxious.

  
  


Later on, while in the middle of giving myself a pep talk - having Daniel stay would be fun, we used to get on so well, we’ll be working all the time, Olivia wouldn't do anything silly - my mobile rang. Theo. The letters on the screen sent my heart racing as if it was  directly connected to my phone, the buzzing of the vibration coming from within my ribs. I shook my hands out before picking it up.

“Hi Theo, you ok?” I screwed my eyes shut and rolled my head back when I heard how annoyingly high my voice was.

“Hey, all good, you?”

Oh, you know, other than the fact that my boss - who had seen me die, who I had a history with, who still flirted with me, and who my best friend now fancied had just invited himself to stay at my house…

“I’m fine,” I chirped. “Busy as usual. How’s your day going?” 

Listening to his expressive voice while he told me about filming their latest scene on the beach calmed me right down. I stopped fidgeting with the keyboard, leaned back in my chair and became part of his fascinating world filled with historic language, stunning scenery, uncomfortable period clothes and the silly things they did behind the scenes. Like using a tophat as a target for golf practice.

“I have to go home this weekend,” he said, “My parents won't forgive me if I cancel again.” Was he supposed to have gone last week, but stayed to see me instead? “So I was hoping you might be free during the week?”

I grinned at the phone. “When were you thinking?”

“Tonight too soon?” He made it sound like a joke, though I had the feeling it wasn’t.

“Tonight would be perfect, but I can't…” I said, hearing him exhale. “My boss just arrived from London, we've got a big project on, I’m meeting him tonight.” I didn’t tell him it was at my own house.

“How about tomorrow?” I suggested, biting hard on a pen. Wanting to see Theo outweighed the worry of leaving Olivia alone with Daniel.

“Tomorrow’s perfect,” he said. “I can pick you up from work, we’ll go for dinner?” 

Oh my giddy aunt. A date! I bit the pen again to stifle a jubilant squeak. Once I remembered how to speak, I gave him the office address.

He breathed softly, “Lara?” Oof.  How did he manage to make such a small word sound so full, so intriguing, so sublimely sweet? 

I hummed back, “Yeah?”

“Ignoring the whole Phillip debacle, I really enjoyed seeing you again.”

“You did?”

“Yes.” His voice wrapped itself around my body like smooth silk. “And you were right by the way.”

“About what?”

“That knowing you would get me into trouble.” He laughed _my laugh_ again.

No one had ever accused me of being trouble before. “And why is that?” 

“Hmm, because  I don't have to be anything but myself around you. Y ou already know far too much about me. Which should scare me. But it doesn't.”

“I… I.” I stuttered. Phone conversations were difficult when you’re hopeless with words, it was so much easier when I could just smile to make up for my silences.  _ Be honest. _ “I don't know what to say to that.” 

“That’s ok, I'm probably being too forward again. Hey, I’ll let you get back to work, see you tomorrow.”

My body didn't know what to feel, I was floating around the office like a balloon,  being blown back and forth by anxiety, excitement and confusion. Mostly confusion. I went to find Olivia to break the news about Daniel, and about my date.

  
  


Olivia asked me the same question for the third time as I turned the key in our front door. “So Daniel’s coming here? You're sure?”

I answered her in the same way. “Yes. I'm sure.” Her enthusiasm made me more nervous by the minute. “Be careful Liv. Trust me on this, he's our boss.” 

She glowered at me, offended by my lack of confidence. The expression looked out of place; even when she was angry she was pretty.

“He’s not a bad person,” she said. “Just because he's not like your type--”

“This has nothing to do with types,” I argued, “He's a player and a cheat. I've seen it. I know him.” More than she knew.  “Yes, he's charming and clever and I will be forever grateful to him but he’s not the kind you want to get close to.” My voice raised more than I’d meant it to, instantly I felt a stab of regret for almost losing my temper again. 

I looked her in the eye. “I get it, trust me. And no, he's not a  _ bad _ person.” Sometimes I think it would have been easier if he was, but then, life was never black and white.  Daniel was definitely very grey . “When it comes to women, I don't trust him.”

“I know. You’re looking out for me. Which is why…” Her voice became higher as she pouted her lips. “You won't get mad at me when I have words with Theo.”

“Words with Theo? What are you on about?” I snorted, kicking off my shoes into the porch.

“Like, just, the usual. That if he hurts you, I’ll break his nose and ruin his life. That kind of thing.”

“Don't you dare!” I grabbed for her, she dodged out of my way laughing. “We're not a couple, nothings going on. Liv don't.”

“You looked pretty coupley to me.” She fell back onto the sofa. “I know I said all that stuff about having fun, but I saw the way he looks at you. It’s intense. I don't want you to get hurt.”

“I won't. I'm not expecting anything and I won't be pushed into anything either. Stop worrying about me.” 

I went to the kitchen to start dinner, she left the room with a cheeky smile to make up the sofa bed.

By the time Daniel arrived, dinner was ready and I’d changed into jeans and a hoodie. Olivia ran to open the door. They were in the porch for a worryingly long time.  _ You're paranoid. _ Eventually, he walked in peering around inspecting the finished house. He’d been here once, before I moved in.

I showed him into the office/spare room. “You hungry?” 

“Always.” He looked me up and down, I’d seen that look before; I did not like where it was going. 

_ For goodness sake. _ “Stop it,” I said, handing over a fresh towel on my way out.

We ate dinner around the table and I asked for more details about the new project. Fortunately, that kept the conversation going for a few hours, by which point I had cleared the kitchen and wiped down the surfaces, twice, trying to pass time. Daniel on the other hand had made himself at home. Bags and clothes were already all over the office floor, and he now lay across my sofa in reading the paper, his tie slung over the coffee table. Olivia sat on the armchair opposite playing on her phone. She had changed too, although I noticed her makeup had been freshened up. I was too tired to worry anymore, I had to trust her.

I yawned, “I’m gonna say goodnight guys, see you tomorrow.”

They both waved me off with a ‘goodnight’ in return. Daniel was being his calmer, more genuine self - I hoped that meant he wasn't bothered about impressing Olivia.

  
  


###  _ Exile - Taylor Swift _


	16. Chapter 16

# Day 18

The long journey from London to Wales in the back of an ambulance was bumpy and painful, like being trapped on some kind of twisted, broken down fairground ride. Having to lie on a bed without seeing through a window made me feel sick. Everything rattled, machines buzzed and the disinfectant filled air burned my nose. When we finally arrived I was taken in a wheelchair to my new ward where, to my surprise, my friends and family were waiting.

Surrounding my new bed were banners in pastel rainbow colours, decorated with the words 'welcome home' along with bouquets of flowers. On the bed were boxes, gift bags and cards in pretty envelopes. I gazed around in stunned awe. The expressions of my audience ranged from the pure relief of my parents to the happiness of my aunts, uncles and cousins then to the apprehension of my friends and the band. They tried to disguise their worry; it lurked beneath, a dark hidden current behind calm water. The weight of the questions they would never ask pushed me deeper underwater, suffocating me with its pressure. Acid stung at the back of my throat as nausea returned.

I started to smile and told them I was glad to be home. The more I smiled, the more they believed me, and the tension lifted.

After an hour my doctor came to introduce herself, she needn't have reminded me of her name, the bouncing fiery red hair was unforgettable. Dr Carter asked everyone to leave so I could rest and settle in. Half of me wanted them to stay, the other half was grateful. I was exhausted and aching all over.

“Ok, everything looks good to me,” she said happily after a quick exam and check of my details and charts. “Tomorrow we're going to get started straight away on your physiotherapy. We’ll soon have you back on your feet.”

  
  


# Day 19

Six full hours of sleep felt like heaven. Even if the bed was just as hard as the last one. This ward was smaller, so quieter, than London. I was the youngest patient, my neighbours were all over sixty and slept most of the time. There were five beds in my section, each surrounded by a sickly, lemon-coloured curtain which made me think of gone off cream. They clashed hideously with the pinkish lilac walls. 

Mom, Dad and Olivia arrived shortly after breakfast. Olivia greeted me with an excited, but careful hug. Her usual cheery and bright-eyed face was clouded over with worry. She didn't know what to say, which made her awkward. My chest tightened in fear that life would never go back to normal. If there was such a thing.

After lunch, two policemen arrived.

The taller one of the two introduced himself and explained the reason for their visit. “Miss Quinn, we have good news. Jeffrey Roberts is in custody. He was picked up by the police at an A&E in South London, trying to get his infected eye injury looked at.”

My body went cold when I heard the name - instant and paralysing like I’d been plunged into an ice bath - even though I knew him as Jeff Smith. His eye must have been really bad. A laugh bubbled up into my throat. Mom wrapped her hands tightly around mine. Dad stood gripping my shoulder, his whole body tense. Olivia sat at the end of the bed, her hands on my feet. All three of them protected me with their touch.

Keeping his voice slow and clear, the officer continued, “It was thanks to your description and information that we were able to identify him. We have now also been able to link him to two previous attacks. The evidence is--”

I gasped, “Two other attacks?”

“Yes Miss, both within the last month.”

My Dad jumped in, “Where? Are they ok?” 

The officers exchanged a glance. It was fleeting, barely noticeable, it filled me with dread.

The shorter one answered, “Two women, also in the London area. I’m sorry to say they were not as luc--.”

“They're dead aren't they?” My heart became a brick in my chest - solid and hard, refusing to beat - I already knew the answer.

The officer nodded. Two women were dead. I had nearly been the third. 

For those few moments when my heart stopped beating, I _was_ the third. I died.

Sharp pain in my back drew out a gargled sob, my hands shuddering as blackness crept into my vision. I heard Mom shouting for a nurse.

  
  


Sitting in the armchair, Olivia’s petite pale face was just a few feet from mine. She jumped when she noticed I was awake. “Hi, you ok? I’ll go call your Mom.” 

“No. Don't, I'm ok.” I reached out for her arm. “What happened?”

“You had a panic attack and pulled your stitches. The doctor gave you something for the pain and you dozed off.” Her eyes narrowed and became watery as she grabbed hold of my hand.

“I'm gonna be alright,” I said, squeezing her hand back. “Daniel showed up before he could…” My voice faded and stuttered, as though my brain had erased the rest of the words from existence in a wild hope that it would also erase the event itself.

She flung her arms around my neck. “We were all so scared. I'm so glad you're home Larlar.”

I hugged her until her breathing slowed. “What do I do? Daniel wants to make me the new partner. I don't know if I could go back there, to London.”

“You shouldn’t be thinking about work right now.” She told me firmly but then apologised. She didn’t need to, I was glad to finally have someone speak to me normally.

“I have to think about something, otherwise I’ll go mad. I can't sleep. I need to do _something._ ” Hospital was a prison of curtains, where I was trapped with only my thoughts and nightmares.

Tapping slender fingers on the armrest, she sat back down. “Then we’ll think of something. It's a national company right? So couldn’t you like, work from here?”

I’d been so fixated whether or not I could return to London that I hadn't thought of that. It was a good idea. It was possible. My mood lifted as my head filled with plans.

  
  


Dr Carter came back later that afternoon. “Right then, let's get you down to the gym and see what we can do.”

Gym? Ugh.She ignored my moan and brought over a wheelchair.

The gym turned out to be a large room with padded mats on the floor, a few treadmills and some other strange-looking apparatus dotted about. Thankfully it was quiet with only a handful of other patients there.

We crossed the room, heading for an area in the far corner where there was a bar, like a handrail, running along the one wall with a mirror behind it. It reminded me of the dance studio from when I was little. The last thing I felt up to was a ballet lesson, they were bad enough back then. ‘Lara Quinn’ and ‘graceful’ were two things that never went together. Although fast forward to my teens and I loved dancing, I still did. Nothing could keep me off a dance floor, well, I pressed my hand to my waist. Almost nothing.

“First things first, we're going to do some simple stretches.” Dr Carter crouched in front of my chair. “Then, as you get stronger we'll move onto walking and lifting. There's damage to your larger core muscles and back so we’ll have to work hard to strengthen them. Don't worry love, by the time you leave here, you’ll have abs of steel.”

She grinned then helped to lift me out of the chair and onto the floor as if I weighed no more than a feather. If this was what she did all day, it explained her muscled arms. Within five minutes of being pushed and pulled around my head was sweating and dizzy. I put my face into my hands, panting through the pain.

Her voice softened, “You can do this Lara.” 

“I can't breathe.” My eyes were welling up with frustration. The moves were simple, a month ago I could have done them in my sleep.

“It’ll get easier I promise. From what I heard about the other guy's eye, you're a fighter. You can do this.”

I could. I would.

_He won't stop me._

###  _  
__Alive - Pearl Jam_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little one today...
> 
> Gotta love a bit of Pearl Jam... Yeah, I.. i'm still aliiiiiive! oh yeah!
> 
> Thankyou again everyone for all your comments!  
> Elle xxx


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's their first date!!! 
> 
> Eeek...

# Day 350 - Tuesday

**“Can't wait to see you later. I've found a place called The Mermaid. It's overlooking the sea, I think you’ll like it. xxT”**

The Mermaid - so I’d heard - was an old barn that had recently been turned into a tapas and cocktail restaurant. Apparently, it was stunning, fancy, and in the middle of nowhere. Theo must put some effort into finding it. _Cute._

**“Sounds lush! I’m counting down the minutes. Lara xx”**

**“Well then, I’ll see you in 592 minutes xxT”**

Hoping Theo wouldn't recognize them, I put on the trousers May had given me with a white shirt. I then packed a bag full of my makeup, hair straighteners, nude coloured heels and gold jewellery ready for later.

Olivia and Daniel were already sitting at the kitchen bar stools eating breakfast, casually chatting about the news on the radio. It all felt very odd. They had met before but since when had they become friends?

For most of the day, I worked on the tables in the meeting area and let Daniel have my office. It was easier that way, he had a lot of phone calls coming in plus it meant I was closer to Olivia.

“You're sure this is ok? Not too casual?” I asked her again after catching my reflection in a window.

“You look gorgeous! Once he's here you'll relax and you’ll be fine. Enjoy yourself, stop overthinking.”

“What are you overthinking this time?” Daniel asked, walking over to join us at the table, looking over my drawings and plans. “Looks great so far, what you worried about?” 

“Oh, nothing, you know, me being a perfectionist,” I mumbled.

He accepted my excuse without question, I was a perfectionist. 

“I've got updated plans and measurements. Come take a look.” He led the way back to my office and offered me the seat, my seat, at the desk so I could read the email. Shutting the door behind us, he took his usual spot on the desk, twirling his watch around while waiting.

My office was quite roomy, white, uncluttered with only a desk, bookcase and two chairs. Suddenly it felt claustrophobic. The walls were shrinking. His mouth opened a few times as if to say something, then shut again with a sigh. 

I was about to ask him what was wrong when he said, “I wish you weren't so uncomfortable around me.”

The statement came out of the blue, winding me like a punch to the stomach. There was no point trying to deny it, he would see through me anyway.

“I don't mean to be.” I looked up.

“I miss you.” He gave me a small smile that stopped my breath. “I know a lot happened, but I still thought we were close.”

We were. We could have been. Until I discovered we had different ideas of what ‘close’ meant.

“Daniel I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to you.” He groaned but I carried on. “Not just for _that_ day but for my house, work, everything. It's just that, seeing you--” My words came to a halt when I realised; there was no nice way of saying his face reminded me of dying. And of having my heart crushed.

Leaning forward, he put a hand on mine. “That day changed my life you know.” The office shrank by another foot. “Not that I'm comparing myself to what you went through at all. I just, I've never felt so helpless Lara.” 

The catch in his voice as he said my name made my chair sink and the walls sway a little. He looked so young, eyes pulling in tightly, little creases in his nose. I wished he wouldn’t always insist on being so tanned, his skin was naturally a pale ivory parchment, subtle and light. Maybe that was why he didn’t like it. Daniel didn’t do subtle, at least, not normally.

“Was that why you said you loved me?” _Oh hell, did I seriously just say that?_ The question had been playing on my mind for so long, it fell out of my mouth, into the open before I could stop it, before I knew it was even on my tongue. 

He cursed under his breath. “I didn't think you remembered.”

“What you mean is, you _hoped_ I didn’t remember.”

“You were dying Quinn!” He threw his head back. “I didn't know what to say.” Then he calmed down. “You know how much you mean to me right?” He laughed again. “No one else has the balls to boss me about like you do.”

Daniel did care about me, in his own way. I hoped, rather than believed, he was telling the truth that Day Zero had changed him. At least then, something good would have come from it.

“You weren't helpless,” I said. “If you hadn't shown up when you did.” I paused, taking a second to steady my voice. “Because of you I wasn't alone and that, that was everything.”

An easy smile worked its way back onto his face, he started stroking his thumb in circles over my wrist. I always melted when he did that. And he knew it.

“We'll be alright won't we?” He asked.

“Of course we will. We are.” I pulled away. The office returned to normal size.

“Then to say thanks for putting me up, I'm buying dinner tonight.”

“Thank you. But you'll have to make it another night. I have a date.” My cheeks flushed just thinking about it.

“A date?” He leant back, crossing his arms. “Huh. Wow. Ok. Good for you. I didn't know you were seeing anyone?” 

His surprise offended me slightly. It made me nervous and twitchy.

“Yes, no, kind of. We met a few weeks ago and that's all I'm saying.” I pressed my lips tight, grabbed the printed out email and walked out of the office, feeling a lot more flustered than I should have.

  
  


My heels clipped against the stone floors as I returned to the meeting area at closing time. 

Daniel was standing next to Olivia’s desk. He greeted me with a whistle. “Check you out Quinn.” 

His compliment made my face burn, which then made me feel guilty. _Get a grip._ I quickly updated him on the planning progress, only I soon noticed his attention had wandered; he was looking past me through the window. Turning to see what could be so fascinating, I instantly saw the cause of his distraction. Theo’s car was parked below.

“Ok, you can work out the rest for yourself. I’m off,” I said, grabbing my things. I wasn't about to stand around explaining work while Theo was waiting for me.

Daniel's smile became a sneer. “Hold on, That’s your date? Since when do you go for flashy cars?”

_Ouch._ His constant stream of new cars had earned him more than one telling off from me about being a show-off. I bit back the urge to retaliate, determined to work on my temper. I didn't care about the car and his remark wasn't an insult, it was a reflection of his own jealousy. Without another word - proud of myself - I gave Olivia a hug goodbye.

I ran down the stairs, not too fast so that I went red, and crossed the street. As if feeling the disturbance of my presence through the force, Theo looked up, smiled and got out to meet me. Any resolve to play it cool dissolved, my face beamed from ear to ear. Whenever I saw him my eyes switched from black and white into a full-colour high definition picture; Every tiny pixel was a hidden treasure. The softness of his light jacket. The cut of his shirt, how it tucked smoothly over his slim waist into his dark jeans. The curl of his hair. The way he smiled was like drawing back curtains on a sunny morning, opening your world to light and warmth. I studied each detail and tried to memorise them the way I would a blueprint, praying for a photographic memory, just a few minutes. _Please._ By the time I got to him, my jaw ached from smiling so much.

“Wow!” He praised me, kissing my cheek. My stomach flipped and my grin widened, using muscles I never knew existed. “Ready to go?”

“Absolutely.”

“Soooo,” he said as I got in the car, “I couldn't help but notice a sign for a ‘David Quinn Construction.’ You never mentioned it was a family business?”

He wasn't the first person to presume that David Quinn must have been a relative or my father.

I watched the blur of cars and buildings that passed. Grey - red - green - blue - back to grey. “It’s not, It’s Daniel David and then, me.”

“Wait a minute,” he said, “You own the company?” With raised eyebrows, he watched me - while driving - for as long as he could without being dangerous.

“No, it's Daniel’s company, he owns it but he made me a management partner last year.”

The car was quiet and smooth. Normally a plus point, however, it made me extremely conscious of my own voice. Being in such a small space also highlighted how much I fidgeted when talking about myself.

“Hey, that's incredible.” He touched a hand to my knee. “Another one of your surprises. For most people, running a company and having their own office would be one of the first things they tell everyone.” 

It was something I was pretty proud of, even if I didn’t go around telling people. The last year may have held the most horrific event imaginable; there were also a lot of good things. I made a mental note to start writing a list of all those things in my journal when I got home.

Theo gave me a sideward glance, flashing dark eyes. “Anything else you’re not telling me?” 

Just one thing. One _massive_ thing. “If I told you everything, then how would I surprise you?” I replied, mimicking his smile. He was just about to speak as my phone rang. It was one of our contractors. “Argh sorry, I’ve been trying to get hold of this guy all day, do you mind?”

“Of course not. Go ahead.”

  
  


###  _*** THEO ***_

Theo listened to Lara answer her phone and begin listing off various materials and tasks, most of which he didn’t recognise or understand. Mist coats? Self-levelling compounds? No idea. There was an authority and assurance in her voice he hadn't heard before. She was in her world, where she was confident. 

Wrapping a curl of hair around her finger, she then released it to fall on her shoulder, tucked it behind her ear, pulled it back, wrapped it up again. If he hadn't have been driving, he could have watched her more closely, held her warm hands. 

Theo imagined her fingers in his own hair.

He nearly missed the turning off the motorway.

“Sorry about that,” Lara said, putting her phone away. “New build starting tomorrow.”

“No need to apologise. I have to ask, what on earth is ‘smurfing’?

“It’s um,” she chuckled, shaking her head. Soft waves of hair fell over her face. _Jees…_

“It's this paint adhesive stuff full of grit that you put on walls before plastering,” she explained. “It's bright blue. One of the guys said it's like painting with ground-up smurfs, so yeah. Now we ‘smurf’ the walls. It was funny at the time...”

“I found it all incredibly fascinating.”

“Whatever.” She laughed off his flirtatious glance to look back out the window, just as the expanse of ocean came into view.

“Genuinely,” Theo said, “It was like hearing a mini construction lesson. I enjoy listening to knowledgeable people who are passionate about what they do.”

The praise brought a blush to her cheeks and a smile to her soft red lips.

Why did he have to be driving? _Next time,_ he thought, _call a damn cab._

  
  


###  _*** LARA ***_

Less than half an hour together and I already felt more of myself again.

My old self, or maybe this was my new self?

Whoever it was, Olivia was right; besides from my initial shyness, I did relax around Theo in a way that would normally take me months or even years around anyone else. On paper, we shouldn’t have got on so well, we were so different. I thought our differences would have pushed us apart instead, they only made me want to know more.

I recognised the pretty villages as we got closer to the coast. Before long, we pulled up at the restaurant. The low sun cast shadows from the cliffs across golden sand and grey rocks below. A thin haze of cloud diffused the landscape, muting the bright greens of the fields behind us into dusky sage, and the sea into watercolour washes of silver-grey and aqua.

Theo took my hand the second I stepped out of the car as if he’d been eagerly waiting for this moment for the whole journey. I knew I had.

A girl greeted us at the large - now made of glass -barn doors. “Hello, welcome to The Mermaid, do yo...” She looked up from her notebook and stopped mid-word. 

Her focus fixed on Theo, eyes widening, mouth opening for extra oxygen as she took him in. Unconsciously, her back straightened as she swept hair from her face. A smile appeared when she recovered. No wonder he didn't bat an eyelid to the way I reacted when we met. Compared to her, I was positively as cool as a cucumber.

“Theo!” She gushed, “Wow. Hi… um, do you have a reservation?”

She recognised him straight away - which was what probably ramped up her excitement - and used his name as if they were long lost friends.

Theo’s expression remained neutral as he replied formally, “Yes I do. For two.”

She checked the book again. “Of course, right this way, we have a table by the window as requested.”

Not once did she look at me, I may as well have been invisible. It annoyed me, but then I couldn't blame her. We followed - she was constantly talking to Theo - to a table next to, not just a window, but a floor to ceiling wall of glass above the cliffs overlooking the bay. My jaw dropped. Theo smiled as he pulled out a tan leather chair for me, watching my eyes jump around the building. There were too many things to look at, Theo included. He sat, taking off his jacket, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt. He had such lovely arms...

The waitress handed us menus, pausing next to Theo. “If there's _anything_ else I can do for you Theo?”

Something about the way she asked him the question - leaning in, doe-eyes, hand running down her hair - felt like she was offering to serve him more than just food. She was 20 if that. Slim and toned in a way that I would never be - I liked food, remember - with auburn hair, silken and straight, right down to her waist. Gorgeous. Definitely not lacking in any confidence. I hid my face behind the menu.

Theo didn't even look at her. “No thank you. We’ll be fine.”

My scowl flickered away as his hand appeared over the top of my menu, pulling it back down onto the chunky oak table. The crease was back in between his eyes. Dropping his head, he sighed, eyes closing for a second. He was embarrassed, or annoyed. Both?

“Do you ever get used to it?” I blurted out.

He looked up at me through long lashes, lips pressed tight.

“Sorry,” I said, regretting my thoughtlessness. “That’s a weird question.”

“No, I don't,” he answered it anyway, “One’s say I should be flattered. Sometimes I suppose I am, other times when people act like _that.”_ He gave a quick nod towards the waitress. “When I'm quite obviously with someone, I find it rude and disrespectful. Though again, it’s mostly my own fault.”

“But she was beautiful! I mean, you could literally take your pick of whoev…” Where the hell was I going with that? “Oh, I didn’t mean that, I just, I don't know what I mean.”

Looking somber, he rested his mouth momentarily on the tips of his fingers. “The world is full of good looking people Lara, that doesn’t always make them beautiful.”

Too true. I nodded and took a sip of water. He was thinking, I could tell because he always pursed his lips, as if he was about to whistle.

“I’m sorry,” I said again, “It was meant to be a compliment but it all came out wrong.” Great, we hadn’t even ordered a drink yet and I had completely ruined the mood.

“You still keep apologizing to me.” The deep tone of his voice roamed through the air.

“I know, I’m sor… Yeah. I do don't I?” 

Putting down his menu, he reached for my hands, taking me by surprise. “Why do you think I wanted to see you again Lara?”

How I managed to sit still I do not know, my heart started beating so hard. Did he really expect me to answer? My fingers trembled and my mouth had been stuffed with a pillow.

“I don't know,” I said, spotting a knot in the wood of the table. It looked like a snail. _Be honest._ “There’s a part of me that worries you're still just being nice to make up for the accident I suppose.”

Gripping my hands tighter, he turned away to look at the view. Some of his nails were bitten short, his fingertips were rough and there was a small scar on the side of his left wrist. They were far from perfect, but they were his - warm, gentle, tough - which made them perfect. 

After Day Zero, I became aware of every inch of my body, as though feeling everything for the first time. Doctors exams, hands of the physiotherapists, hugs of my friends, kisses from family. Every touch was amplified, I had to learn how to react to them all over again. A huge part of communication is non-verbal, humans touch all the time. Even simple nudges of the arm, pats on the back. Now, I didn’t think twice about shaking a strangers hand and I’d gotten used to working in cramped offices or on building sites that were so small, you had to push past men or work around each other. Theo’s was the first man's hand I had held willingly, for the fun of it. For the feeling of being close, being together. Even just looking at his hand around mine turned my blood into molten lava. In a good way. 

Theo spoke after a minute or so, a dark intent gaze drawing me into a bubble, fading out our surroundings. “Do you think she would have reacted or spoken to me like that if I wasn't famous?”

I didn't see how anyone could look at him and _not_ find him attractive, but I tried to be objective. I remembered Olivia’s, Sarah’s, and even Greg’s reaction to meeting him and replied that - no, she probably wouldn't have.

“But Theo,” I spluttered, “You know that’s not the reason why my hands are shaking right? You know that doesn’t matter to me?”

“I know,” he said, finally smiling again. “That's the point I’m trying to make. You’ve never once tried to take advantage of who I am. Even though I handed you a damn good reason too. You did the opposite and rejected me,” he laughed, “Several times if my memory is correct. In fact,” he slowed, “I think my being famous is probably one of the things you like the least about me.”

To be honest, it was the _only_ thing about him I didn't like. And one of the things that scared me about us becoming closer. I admitted to him it was true.

“Most of the world sees me as Theodore Taylor. The actor they’ve heard stories about. You never did, at least, I don't think so. You didn’t judge me or presume to know me because of what you’d seen. But,” he purred, “The main reason I wanted to see you, is because you are like the fire on the beach to me Lara. You're clever, funny, certainly not afraid to stand up for yourself. You fascinate me. Beautiful and calm, under the surface strong, maybe even a little…” The water inside my body boiled over to steam as he leaned in to whisper, “Hmm, what was the word you used? ‘ _Wild_.’”

Why did anyone bother to give him scripts when he could talk like that? Woah.

Sometimes - usually during the day when he was working - he would slip back into his Austen style ‘on set’ voice where words formed and flowed like the elegant ink of a calligraphist. Sounds became cursive loops, swirling descents, whisking me away to another time, another world.

Desperately, I wanted to tell him that I couldn't stop thinking about him, that he made me feel like there was nothing I couldn't do. Anything I said now though, would sound clumsy and awkward compared to him.

My cheeks flushed. “Are you flirting with me again Mr Taylor?” For goodness sake, I sounded so immature.

“Oh, I absolutely am Miss Quinn. If that's ok with you?”

“It is.”

###  _Impossible - Nothing But Thieves_

  
  


“So in your professional opinion, did I pick a good location?” Theo gestured around at the restaurant as a waiter cleared our table.

Once again I was struck by the artistry of the place, enhanced by lingering smells of smokey paprika, wine and candles.

“You definitely did. The view. This building.” I pointed upwards, shaking my head in awe at the workmanship. Talking about design was one thing I _could_ do confidently. “The way they’ve fitted the new glass into the original wood frame, it’s like they grew here together. And the colours blend into the scenery so seamlessly. Whoever designed this place is a genius. It's stunning because it's so complicated but looks so effortless. It adds to the view rather than trying to compete with it.” 

The whole time I spoke he watched me, eyes the colour of dark wet earth in the dim light. Earth that grew my confidence like a seedling, bursting further and further out of the ground with every second that passed. He reacted to my enthusiasm with one of his ‘sting’ smiles, you know, when his eyebrow pulled up his lip. It sent a shockwave through my lower stomach. Again, _what_ was with the lower stomach?

“Talking about the view,” he said, “Do you want to go for a walk?”

We’d been on plenty of walks together already, his invitation still sent my heart racing.

We left through a back door, also made of glass, out onto a terraced seating area and then up a small path that followed the cliff edge to a viewing spot. As we got to the path, he took my hand again, lacing long fingers between mine. The sky had turned a burning orange which reflected so perfectly in the calm glassy sea, it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began, as though the sky stretched all the way to our feet. Only the occasional ripple or smudge of a boat on the horizon gave the illusion away. Neither of us felt the need to fill the silence. There was nothing but the scenery, the sound of the sea, the air in our lungs, and each other.

It was more than enough.

At the viewpoint, Theo let go of my hand to climb onto a small metal platform and inspect a rusted old telescope, the kind you could enter a 20p coin to operate. They were dotted all along the coastline at various tourist spots. When I was a child I would run to every single one. Eagerly looking though, hoping to find that someone had paid for it but then left early, so I could steal its last few working seconds before the cover dropped over the lense.

I laughed at the loud crunch as Theo attempted to turn it. “That looks like it broke decades ago.” 

“Hmm, I think you're right…” He leant against the telescope, throwing me a comical ‘oops’ expression as it bent under his weight. He pulled it upright again. “Shame. It really is stunning here, I wish I had more time to explore.”

I wished the same thing. “You're here for a few more months though right?” I tried to sound positive. That was plenty of time to see the area, which was all we were talking about.

“Nine weeks until we go back to London.” Jumping down from the platform, he stood beside me, hand automatically fitting back into mine.

This sleepy old part of Wales must have felt extremely quiet and dull to someone who wasn't used to it. 

“I bet you can't wait to get back,” I said.

“Not really.” He turned to face me. “I much prefer to be out in the open. I feel at home here.” The surprise must have shown on my face because he explained, “I’m not from the city itself. My family lives on the outskirts, in the country. In my great grandfather's day, it was a working farm.” He gazed into the distance as he thought about it, he missed being there.

“Hey.” His smile lifted. “If you could build your own place, where would it be?”

“Oh, now that’s a tough question.” And one I'd thought a lot about. Wherever I went though, no matter how nice, I always came back to my friends and family. “To be honest, I think I’d be perfectly happy with this place.” I pointed back towards the restaurant.

He agreed. “So you don't miss London either then? Is that why you moved back?”

It was inevitable that my moving would come up again. “There are things I miss, I loved working there but something happened and...” I tried, and failed to keep eye contact and ended up looking at the telescope again. “And it changed everything. I didn't want to be there on my own anymore. So I brought my place, renovated it, set up the office here and employed Olivia as my assistant a few months ago.” 

When I finished speaking, I realised how tightly I’d been holding his hand, absorbing his strength to use as my own. A trickle of pride and relief ran through my body; I had taken a baby step toward telling the truth. Being able to look him in the eye at the same time, would have to be the next step. Or maybe a few steps after that.

  
  


###  _*** THEO ***_

Lara’s voice was quiet and low; It filled the whole room whenever she spoke. 

Her personality was full of contradictions. Just like a fire, Theo thought. At times she became so shy her hands would shiver in his. There was sadness behind some of her smiles, a fear that would cause her eyes to drop, hiding herself away. Other times, like when describing a building, she forgot her nerves completely and shone with energy. Why did she fight so hard to keep that side of herself hidden? It was in those moments of freedom that she would laugh easily or tease him. It was in those moments that Theo couldn't help himself, and would reach out to touch her. Holding someone's hand had never felt so, so… _everything._

Her lagoon blue eyes gripped his attention like the words of a skillfully written book; unable to be put down, every chapter full of new twists and turns. He wanted more than anything, to keep turning the pages, to understand every line, to devour every last word.

The sunset glowed warm on her skin, the lightest breeze swept the hair from her face as she talked about leaving London. Cool fingers pressed firmly into his hand; Her memories were painful. Perhaps her heart had been broken or betrayed. It stirred up such a deep reaction that he wondered if it was the same event Phillip had uncovered. Whatever it was, it made her insecure, wary. Her body tensed whenever Theo touched her. It wasn't purely because of him though. He noticed how she would wrap her arms around her waist when anyone came too close, subconsciously protecting herself from the danger of contact.

It hurt him, the way she doubted his motives for wanting to see her. She viewed him as someone who ‘could take his pick of whoever’ he wanted. So the question she left unsaid was - why would he possibly want her? A bubble of anger grew in his gut toward whoever had treated her so badly that it caused her to question her own worth.

  
  


###  _*** LARA ***_

Theo lifted my hand to his chest. There was a look in his eyes that made my head dizzy and my body ache.

“There's something I've noticed about you,” he said. My breath got stuck at the lump in my throat. “You smile when you're happy, you smile when you talk, as you listen.” He touched his free hand to my cheek before letting it glide down my arm to hold my sprained wrist. “You even smile when you're in pain.” His voice was a rumbling undeniable gravity pulling me closer. “Every smile is so different, there simply aren’t enough words to describe them.” 

I smiled, then bit it down. He was right, I couldn’t help it, it was my reflex, my mask.

“And then.” Soft crinkles appeared around his eyes. “There’s _that_ smile.” 

The unknown expression swept over his face again, strange indecision, thoughtfulness. We were so close now I could feel his warmth, count his eyelashes.

“Oh.” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. “You mean my _‘dangerous’_ habit?”

Fingers wound into the hair at the back of my neck sending fire down my spine. “Extremely dangerous,” he whispered.

“Why?”

“Because…” More fire. “Because all I want is to kiss you.” 

With that, I understood the expression. Desire. It had been there all along, but he kept it restrained. He wanted more - I could feel it in his touch, hear it in his voice - it frightened me.

I wanted it too.

Surely kissing was like riding a bike, I might be a bit wobbly, but I wouldn't have forgotten altogether, would I?

His one hand kept hold of my hair, the other wrapped around my waist, up my back. I tensed as it passed the stab mark. He gently pressed his forehead to mine.

“It’s ok, I’ve got you. Do you trust me?” Soft lips grazed my cheek.

I nodded. 

Sun melted into the sea, turning the world into a glowing golden orb. We didn't bother to watch. I melted into the spice and salt of his skin as he kissed me.

Again and again. 

Everything was quiet, calm, like the eye of a storm. He was being careful. I smoothed my hands down his firm chest to grip his waist, pushing myself onto tiptoes. His breath deepened and the storm hit. Pulling my body against his, his kiss grew stronger and I let myself drown in his arms, my mind filling with colour and music and images.

“See.” Theo’s words were almost lost on my lips. “You're even smiling now.” 

“I can't help it.” I sighed.

He gently kissed my eyelashes. “We should probably get away from the cliff edge before it goes dark.” He forced himself to let me go but kept an arm around my shoulder as we walked back.

I could confirm; Kissing _was_ like riding a bike. If bikes had wings. 

Oh, and turbocharged thrusters.

  
  


Theo nodded towards the BMW on my drive. “New car?” 

“Oh no, it's Daniel's.” I replied, then my brain kicked back into life and explained, “We've got a big meeting next week with a huge potential client so he's here for a few days going over the plans and the pitch.” Scratching my eyebrow, I grimaced. “He kind of, invited himself to stay…”

“Do you two not get on?”

“We do, it's fine really, he can just be…” A pain in the ass, controlling, over-friendly. “Difficult.” 

Theo stayed quiet. My focus drifted to his hands on the steering wheel, then his lips, which were pouted again in thought. Boy, I wanted to kiss them.

_Be brave, make all the days count_ _._ I wanted every second I had with him to count. Thick dark curls tickled my fingers as I slid my hand into his hair, pulling his mouth to mine. I kissed him firmly this time. He reacted instantly, leaning over to hold my face with one hand, the other steadying himself by leaning on my thigh.

I once came unexpectedly face to face with a Tiger at a zoo. I hadn't noticed it was sitting right below the window until it jumped up at me. As I stared into its eyes, in my head I knew I was safe - we were separated by thick glass and wire - and I didn’t want the moment to end. Still, being close to such a large, powerful and deadly animal made the air quiver in my lungs. That was exactly how I felt now. Theo’s touch made me feel scared and safe all at once. The good kind of scared. The mind-blowing kind you could get addicted to.

A finger slipped into the gap between my trousers and shirt, onto my bare skin. _Oh wow oh wow._

As he moved again, he unknowingly pressed right onto my old stomach wound. A needle pain shot into my back. My body automatically flinched. 

He pulled away. “Sorry.” Deep breath. “My fault.” Another breath. “Too much.” He apologized.

It surprised me to hear him struggling to talk. The thrill of having so much of an effect on him was electrifying. 

“No, Theo it's ok.” I held his worried face and kissed him gently. “It's not you.” It was all me. I needed things to slow down. “When I said that 'I’m not that kind of girl,’ that wasn't me playing some kind of hard to get tactic,” I confessed. A dull ache spread from my waist muscles down my legs. My hands dropped into fists on my lap.

“I know.” He smiled. “It's another reason why I like you.”

Hearing him say it directly, that he liked me, made my pulse become a drum beating in my ears. I held back the impulse to ask him why.

For so long I’d thought that in order to move forward, I had to learn how to be my old self again. What if I was wrong? He liked me the way I was. Not the old me. Just… 

Me.

“However, I may have to call in that favour you promised,” he coxed.

“Oh? Of course, anything.”

“I don't want my old ways to ruin this Lara. I want to be better than that. I need your help, I need to learn how to behave.”

Although he smiled, there was a gruff seriousness in his voice, darkness over his face. What exactly had he done in his reckless past to cause so much regret? Evidently, there was more to his story he hadn't told me. _It’s all on the internet_. I pushed the idea away, I’d made him a promise. No Google. Of course, he hadn’t told me everything. It would be naive to think so. After all, I wasn't in a position to lecture anyone about keeping secrets. 

I hid my uncertainty. “Challenge accepted Mr Taylor.” His grin then made me feel like being dangerous again. “As long as you teach me how _not_ to.”

Tipping his head back he groaned. “Believe me Lara, when you say things like that, you don't need me to teach you anything.” He kissed me again, still grinning, before saying goodnight.

That night, my dreams were the usual replay of Day Zero but then, I also dreamt of Theo. I saw him as being like a tree, rooted and unmoveable, organic, brimming with life. Solid enough to provide safety in the roughest of storms; gentle enough to give the most delicate of creatures shelter and shade. How would that work if he were my boyfriend? When would we see each other? I was an overthinker even in my sleep.

He liked me, he wanted me, that was all that mattered. 

For now.

  
  


###  _Champagne Kisses - Jessie Ware_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I've never written about anything like this before (It's very different to my day job of writing technical medical stuff!) So I hope it's ok... I've tried not to get too soppy or too detailed. I'm sure your imaginations can fill in the rest 😉
> 
> Elle xxx


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another trip to the past...

#  Day 34

Something I missed while being in London was playing in the band with my friends. I watched them all as they surrounded my bed; Sarah laughed as Greg wound up Olivia. Caleb and Alex were deep in conversation planning the list of songs for their next gig. Seeing them all together made up my mind once and for all. I was moving home.

I had already seen a house to fit my small budget. My savings would be enough to renovate it to a liveable standard and then, once I found another job, I would gradually finish the rest.

The idea of job hunting made me nauseous. David Clarke Construction had been my life and a home from home. Since I didn't know anyone in London, I had spent most of my spare time studying and putting in extra hours. It paid off as in my second year I was quickly promoted into the team of overseers. The offer of now becoming a full management partner was something I’d dreamt of. Half of my mind screamed that I was crazy to not be snapping Daniel’s hand off.

Crazy. Stupid. Crazy.

But even if Daniel replaced the whole office cabin, the thought of walking through those gates, across that cold rough ground, was far more frightening and stomach churning than any worries of finding another job. 

I prepared what to say to Daniel before I called him, determined that other than the court case dates, I would never return to London. No matter what he might offer.

He answered his phone sounding tired; probably another long day at work . “Good to hear your voice Quinn.” He perked up. “How are you?”

I was in pain. “Fine, getting better.” I smiled to make it sound convincing.

“You sound better. Everyone here keeps asking about you, you're missed.” 

My chest tightened into knots. Oh hell, this was harder than I expected. It wasn’t just my job I was leaving. If he didn't accept my idea then would I ever see him again? 

“Daniel, I don't know how to say this… I can't come back. I want more than anything to keep working for you, but I need, I want to stay here.”

There was a long pause, I checked the screen to make sure I hadn’t cut him off. 

“I get it,” he said. “I wish there was something I could do to change your mind, but I know it wouldn't work.” He sounded older, tired again, broken. 

As much as I wanted to bury and forget London, there was a part of me - deep inside, being crushed by gut-wrenching pain - that didn’t want to let go. Daniel and I had spent every day of the last two years together. He was the man who had made me feel welcome, safe and happy in a city of strangers. He got me through the most horrific day imaginable. He saved me. Although t here were moments when I didn't understand him at all, there were also moments when we knew each other like one else could.

“I did have an idea,” I said. Thanks to Olivia.

“Go on?”

“Give Peter the role of office manager there, he would be perfect, he literally loves paperwork. Then I can focus on the design side but from here. Most of my work is sent online anyway so what does it matter if I'm in London or Wales?”

“We'll do it.”

“Plus it means if we have clients further north then there's somewhere easier for them to meet us… wait? You said yes?” I had a whole pitch prepared.

“Yes.” He laughed, it was so loud that I had to move the phone away from my ear. “I've actually been thinking lately on how we could expand so this solves my problem.”

“Oh, really? You don't want to think about it first?” I gripped the thin white bedsheets into a fist. I really needed to stop questioning people when they agreed with me.

“No thinking required. You know me, I'm lazy. I’m not spending the next two years training up another manager.” Daniel had many faults but being lazy was  _ not  _ one of them. “I'm not losing you.” A soft voice swept my mind back to those minutes lying on the floor in his arms.

I quickly changed the subject. “Then you'll be glad to know I've found a house, it needs some work but it has space for a home office.” 

“Grand. Get planning, I'll send over the work team.”

“What? No, I didn't mean it like that.”

“Don't be silly,” he said. “You work for a building company, of course we're doing it for you. David Quinn... definitely has a ring to it don't you think?”

“I don't know how to thank you, again.”

“Don't thank me. Your workload just tripled. Send me the plans and I'll be in touch.”

Well, that went well.

He didn't want to lose me.  _ Me? _ Or my work? Could he love me after all? He was doing so much to help me, maybe he was just waiting for a better time to tell me.

  
  


###  _ Tears Ricochet - Taylor Swift _

  
  


#  Day 50

Spread out into a star shape, a s if I were about to make snow angels on the groun d with my eyes shut from the glare of the fluorescent lights above, I lay on the refreshingly cool plastic mats of the gym. The room smelt like sweat and disinfectant. Not a nice combination.

“So how’s the house coming on?” Dr Carter asked, trying to distract me as she pressed an ice pack to my stomach. It stung like hell until the relief started to spread through my muscles. What was left of my muscles.

We had finished another physio session, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Each word of my reply came in between a pant for breath. “All good. Paperworks going through so hopefully I’ll get the keys in a few weeks.” 

“I can give you more painkillers if it's that bad Lar--”

“No! I'm fine.” I sat up. “I'd rather be in pain than feel like a drunk zombie.”

Pain kept me in the present. Being on drugs put me in an uncontrollable fog like I was slipping away all over again, drifting over that line into the darkness.

“Alright love,” she smiled. “Take you time, I'll come check on you later. You're doing really well, you'll be out of here in no time.” With a pat on my shoulder, she left me to finish the cool-down stretches. 

I could walk unaided now, as well as lift weights. Slow progress. My body was getting better every day but my mind was suffering. Other than the weekly visits to DAYS, the hospital had become my prison and no matter how nice the staff were, I couldn't wait to escape. Couldn't wait to see my house for myself, to sleep on my own soft bed, to eat breakfast whenever I wanted, to be able to leave whenever I wanted.

Despite efforts to decorate and cheer the place up with brightly coloured walls - a different colour for each ward - the hospital still felt like… well, a hospital. Soulless. Mechanical. I made my way through long drab corridors into the showers and undressed in front of the full-length mirror.

Even though I’d lost a stone in weight, my face looked puffy. I was pale from constantly being indoors. My wounds were mostly healed and the stitches had been removed. A long scar stretched from my middle - above my belly button - downward through my stomach, towards my left hip. Where the muscle had been torn there was a large dip. The line from the blade was raised and red. I ran my fingers over it. I felt the pressure but the skin itself was numb and rough.

It didn't feel like me.

Turning to my side, I traced the mark of the first stab in my lower right back. The cut was smaller, only a few inches wide but it had gone deeper, leaving a large dent and a radius of lined skin, like the  cracks that spread outwards like when a stone hit glass. No amount of exercise and treatment would make them go away.

I would never feel, or look like me again.

Collapsing to my knees, I sobbed into my hands. I turned on the shower to cover the sound and let myself cry until there was no energy left in my body to make any more tears. The court case was coming up, there was no way I would let  _ him _ see me cry.

  
  


###  _ Rise - Katy Perry _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little one today, filling in some gaps


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara makes a few little mistakes...

#  Day 351 - Wednesday

“Good morning sleepy. What time did you get in last night?” Olivia greeted me in an extremely chirpy way for such an early time of the day.

Both her and Daniel stopped what they were doing to look at me - Olivia held a spoon of cereal midway to her mouth, Daniel folded down his newspaper. 

I ignored their quizzical looks, popped a slice of bread in the toaster and acted casually. “Elevenish I think. What did you two get up to?”

Olivia’s voice became as nonchalant as mine. “Not much, had dinner, watched tv, did some work.”

Was she acting too?

Daniel fetched another cup from the cupboard, poured a coffee and passed it my way. “Don’t forget, I'm taking you both out for dinner tomorrow. Why don't you invite Mr Flashy along?”

_ Don't bite. _ I let the ‘Mr Flashy’ dig wash over me. I couldn't think of an excuse to get out of the dinner though. If I got to see Theo then I didn't want an excuse.

  
  


At lunch, I cornered Olivia to ask how it really went with Daniel on her own. She twisted her chair from side to side, every now and then spinning it around with a  wide smile on her face, as if she was on a teacup ride, not sitting in an office. Arw. She always made me laugh.

“We were fine,” she assured me, “He helped make dinner, we chatted, watched TV then went to bed.  _ Separately _ .” A smirk crossed her face. “It was cool.”

“Thanks for not saying anything about Theo. I don't get Daniel, why’s he suddenly so eager to meet him?”

“Don't be annoyed, he can't help it, he like, feels responsible for you.” Olivia looked at the floor and tucked her hands under her thighs, embarrassed, like she’d said too much.

“Responsible? For me? Liv, I've told him a million times, what happened wasn't his fault.” 

She shook her head. “I know I know. But you were a young woman working alone on a site he was the manager of. You can't be mad at him forever for him feeling bad.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You seem to know a lot about how Daniel feels?”

“We talk sometimes.”

I opened my mouth to say ‘since when?’ but clamped it shut again. She had stopped spinning, her brig ht, blue moon eyes flicked to a spot on the floor, up to me, back down again.

In my head, I saw her as the ditsy little girl with pigtails who followed me and Greg around - especially when she spun on office chairs - so sometimes I forgot how much she’d grown up. My little sister wasn’t so little anymore. She watched me, biting off her nail polish, waiting for me to snap at her. I nearly had. That was the kind of friend I had become. Selfishly expecting my friends to cope with my changed personality, even when I couldn't.

My knuckles were white from gripping the edge of the desk. They started to tingle as I released it and the blood returned. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at him, I just… I can't explain how it feels. I don't want favours and I don't need his protection.”

I needed to know my place was earnt. Not given out of Daniel’s guilt. I blinked back tears of frustration. Lately, I seemed to spend most of my time apologizing.

Olivia wrapped her arms around me. “LarLar. I know you don't  _ need _ protecting, but that's like, kinda what being friends is all about, we look after each other. I know you've always got my back.”

I squeezed her, swaying her from side to side until we both started laughing. Then I told her everything about my date with Theo.

“Hot damn.” Was her response.

“Ooooh yeah,” I agreed, staring blankly at the far wall, lyrics of a thousand love songs skipping merrily through my mind. I pressed my palms to my eyes and grinned again.

She asked hopefully, “So are you going to invite him for dinner tomorrow? With us?” 

“You think I should, it’s not too much?” I lifted my hand to my head, imitating a phone call. “Hi Theo, just wondered if you wanna come to dinner with me, my best friend and my boss? You know just the four of us?”

With a dramatic eye roll, she said, “Why not? I think it’d be fun. Daniel’s paying and we get to spend the evening with two gorgeous guys, what could go wrong?”

What could go wrong?

Whenever you heard that line in a film, it was usually followed by things going very, very wrong. I hoped that wasn't the case in real life.

  
  


I text Theo on my way to the DAYS meeting that night:

**“Me again, I know you're going home on the weekend, so was wondering if you’re free tomorrow?xxx”**

He replied to say he was. I parked up and called him back.

“Sounds good,” he accepted. “Where are we going?”

“Oh, um I don't know. To be honest I was thinking so much about asking you that I forgot to find out any details.” 

He chuckled softly, I could imagine  the adorable head tilt and crease s in the corners of his eyes. “Why would you be worried about asking me?”

I should have been getting used to his straight questions by now.

“Because…” Because a part of me still expected him to disappear with some adventurous supermodel at a minute. Not because I didn't trust him, when he said he liked me, he was telling the truth. In that moment in time. But how long could it last? Honestly. “I thought you’d probably be busy doing something exciting.”

“I don't know what kind of life you think I lead these days,” he said, “Or what you would class as exciting but trust me, other than work, I’m not busy. Hmm, I would never be too busy for  _ you _ anyway.” 

Thankfully I was already sitting because my knees turned to jelly. I didn't know what kind of life he led though, that was the problem. I had this vision in my head, mainly fueled by the perfect Instagram images of how ‘famous’ people were always out visiting new places, going to events or shows. Like the way Daniel lived. Maybe I was wrong,  maybe we had more in common than I though t.

“So you don't mind, really?” I asked again, just to be sure.

“You’re so sweet Lara. No, I don't mind, I’m glad you asked-- Ou I'm being called, I’ve gotta run babe, I’ll call you later ok?” 

_ Babe! _ My heart rate shot through the roof qu icker than a bullet from a gun.

  
  


I walked in from DAYS and went straight to my kitchen for some water. Olivia had already gone to bed, I could hear her music upstairs.

“What time do you call this?”

“Son of a… Dan!” I gasped. “You frightened the life outta me.” He was sitting on the sofa, with his laptop. In the dark. Now laughing. “What are you doing?”

He sighed, “Work work work.”

I poured him a water, took it over and sat next to him. (Mistake No1.)

“Cheers.” Blurry, exhausted eyes looked up from the screen.

I shut the laptop. “You need a break.”

“There you go, bossing me around.” He grinned. “I knew you cared really.”

Of course I did. No matter how many times I wished I didn’t.  “I don't want you to be one of those people who gets old and realises all they've ever done is work.”

“You worried I’ll end up alone Quinn?” Putting the laptop on the floor, he spun his knees onto the sofa to face me. I should have moved away. (Mistake No2.) “What, no witty come back? You’re quiet. Everything go alright with Mr Flashy Mystery Man last night?”

“Stop it. He’s not flashy and he's not a mystery. His name is Theo. We went to The Mermaid, which is this beautiful old converted barn on the coast, you’d love it, had dinner and watched the sunset. It was perfect thankyou. I just… I am quiet now.” Quiet was my new normal.

“Ay get off it, you’ve been giving me that look all day, same look you have when you think I’m making a mistake or being an idiot.” 

Ha! Making mistakes and being an idiot went hand in hand when it came to Daniel.

I took a deep breath. “What are you really doing here? All this work could easily be done online. How long have you been talking to Olivia?” Putting my thoughts together out loud started to join the dots. “The truth Daniel,” I demanded. “Do you like her?”

“We met when you were in hospital, when she came to pick up your stuff from the office. She asked me how I was doing after everything and we got talking.” He spun his watch around his wrist, picked a hair from my shoulder and left his hand there. (Mistake No3.) “She’s a nice girl. But that's all.”

I poked a cushion in his direction. “Yes, she is. She’s also my best friend and your employee.” Not that working together had stopped him before. “So don't you dare mess her around.”

Snatching the cushion, he pulled it to his chest, as if I had stabbed him through the heart with it. “So what you're saying is she's too good for me ay? That really what you think of me?”

When he was being his showy self then yes, she was way too good for him. Other times, I wasn't so sure. I could see how they would fit; both social, outgoing, fun. She was strong enough to handle him. If only he could be trusted.

“What I think of you has nothing to do with it,” I said. “The point is what she thinks of you and I swear if you hurt her--”

“You’ll beat me to death with a cushion?” 

My anger flared at his laughter. He never took anything I said - unless it was about work - seriously. “I mean it Daniel.”

“Alright chillout, I promise you,” He roughly grabbed my hands - good job my wrist was better - to pull me closer. “I’m not here for  _ her  _ Lara.” 

On the surface, his promise should have been reassuring. In reality, it felt like a thin layer of paint covering up something sinister underneath.  His head dipped, soft eyes looked up into mine, gap between up shrinking…

No no no. I was letting myself get confused. My emotions were in hyperdrive. Daniel was familiar, comfortable. I should never have let him stay. (Mistake No4, or maybe that was No1.)

Pulling my hands free, I legged it upstairs.

I lay on my bed panting like I’d run a marathon. I hadn’t done anything wrong, but the fact I worried what Olivia or Theo would think if they had walked in and saw us, made me feel like I had. 

Whenever Daniel was around,  life got complicated.

  
  


I was drifting off to sleep when the phone rang.

“Hi you,” I answered sleepily.

“Hey, sorry it's so late, the last scene took forever. I’ll let you go back to bed.” Theo whispered.

The great Charlotte Bronte d escribed Mr Rochester’s attachment to Jane Eyre as being like a string underneath his ribs, tying them together. I think I was starting to understand why. Every second I was away from Theo, I could feel a growing ache as my body pulled fiercely on that string, trying to bring us back together. It was unbelievable how much I missed him.

“Wait, I found out where we're going tomorrow,” I said, “It’s a little Italian place in town, around the corner from my office so if you want to meet me from work again? Oh and Greg and Sarah are coming too.”

I’d invited them last minute hoping it might make conversation a little easier.

“Perfect.” His voice was unusually high. “Hey, strange question; Is it a busy place?” 

“Not particularly.” The penny dropped, he was worried about being seen. “Hell, I didn't think of that. Theo I’m sorry, we could always get a takeaway and come back to my place instead?”

“No it’s fine, don't worry,” he laughed, “I'll bring my cunning disguise just in case.”

By that, he meant his cap.  I wondered if he’d ever tried glasses, Superman/Clark Kent style…

Gosh, that would be insanely hot.

Something else - more serious - then occurred to me. “Theo, can I ask you something?”

“Please do.” His voice returned to a deep rumble. It was definitely getting hotter in my room.

“Don't take it the wrong way, it's just me being thick.”  _ Stop waffling. _ “How does it work? You know, if people recognize you? Do you ever have to have security?”

What I really wanted to know was, if we were seen or photographed together, could people find out who I was? He took in a slow breath. Occasionally, there were times when talking about himself that he became quiet and I could almost believe he was shy too. Almost. 

“It doesn't actually happen very often, people don't see what they're not looking for,” he said. “So no, outside of London or at events I’ve never needed security. I do try to avoid busy places if I can. On the rare occasion I’m noticed, most people are polite and just want a picture.”

He answered all of my questions, without answering any of my real questions.

“So if someone did see you, or saw  _ us _ ...” I hinted. This was a weird conversation.

“Ah, you don't want to be seen with me. That’s ok, I understand, if you've changed your mind, I won't come.”

_ No chance!  _ I hugged an arm around my knees, curling up into the safety of a ball, mustering up the courage to tell him what I was really thinking.

_ Be brave.  _ “That's not what I meant, believe me. I'm more worried about if, what would happen if...” Ugh, more waffling. “Ok. Look. I know it only takes a second for someone to put something online and then for other people, like my parents for instance, to see it.” 

“Aaah.” He sounded relieved, yet still a little uncomfortable. “I promise I won't let anyone bother you Lara.”

“I know you won't.”

If it wasn't for my history, I wouldn't care if every reporter in the world showed up to bother us. I couldn’t tell him that though, so I stole his own saying - with some poetic licence. “ It’s ok, you've got me. I trust you .”

“Lara, I…” he groaned.

I heard the wanting in his voice and my chest tightened, too small to contain my expanding heart.

The time until I saw him again was going to drag, I could tell.

  
  


###  _ Complicated - Avril Lavigne _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm so what could go wrong eh?  
> 😉


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Opening up a little more of Lara's past with Daniel.

#  Day 105

Flowers lined the path to my new front door where Mom stood, holding a large cake iced with the words 'New Home.' It was chocolate, my favourite. The house looked so stunning it rendered me speechless, I hadn’t even stepped a foot inside yet. Even though I’d been designing it for so long and knew every square inch of the building off by heart, it felt surreal to be there. A part of me had treated it like any other project - not letting myself become attached - in case I never actually got to move in.

One of our builders handed me the keys with a tear in his eye.  We could have been on an episode of DIY SOS. Inside smelt wonderfully new, plaster, paint, wood floors. Everything gleamed shiny and clean. Only this time, I didn't have to hand it over to a client, this time it was mine! I pressed my shaky hands into my pockets.

While I stared around in awe, a car pulled up outside. I heard voices coming through the open door as Mom welcomed the arrival. A hand came to rest on my shoulder; I knew who it was without looking. There was only one person I knew who wore a gold Rolex, and aftershave that expensive.

“Do you like it?” He whispered.

I threw my arms up and around his shoulders, holding him tightly as my strength disappeared and the tears came. I loved it.

“Right, I'll take that as a yes then.” His slender fingers slid down my back. “I won't take any arguments, you aren't paying a penny. Consider it a get well soon and a welcome back gift from the company.”

I pulled back to meet his eyes, the same wide  ocean eyes that saved me. “Daniel, I… I don't know how to thank you.” I started to cry again, but he didn't try to pull away. Even though my tears wet his jacket and my makeup rubbed onto his designer shirt.

I cried because the house was beautiful, because I finally had a place where I felt safe, and because he knew - without me having to say a word or explain a thing - he truly knew what I’d been through. 

“Alright alright. This is supposed to be a celebration.” He smiled, touching a hand to my damp cheek before going to see the builders.

  
  


Mom brought the cake into the kitchen and started dividing it up, Dad then passed out the slices around my packed living room. My whole family was there, plus the band and their families, then there were all the builders. I back ed away towards the stairs, looking out at the room of people I loved - laughing and chatting - like a spectator in a theatre, watching a story play out from a distance.

Daniel caught my eye and came over. “You alright?”

I tried to bring back a smile, it was half-hearted. “Yeah, just tired, it's a lot to take in.”

“Can I see upstairs?” 

“Oh, of course.” I was glad of the excuse to get away from the noise. “I'll give you the tour.”

He reached for my arms to support me as we climbed the stairs. I showed him the spare room, the bathroom and finally what would be my room. 

“So I think I want to do something bold in here.” I waved my hand vaguely around the room. “I was even thinking of painting it black.”

His eyes quickly took in the space before settling back on me. “Black? That is bold for you. I’m sure it’ll look great whatever you do.”

The air hummed with vibrations as I became aware of us being alone, in a bedroom. I felt like I’d rewound in time to my first year as his apprentice - to when I would look for any excuse to try and be alone with Daniel - the only difference being, my churning insides were now more down to panic than excitement. 

He took a step closer and I froze to the spot, holding my breath as his hands wrapped around my waist. “I'm going to miss having you around Quinn.”

My breath caught, trapped in my crumbling chest. I closed my eyes, willing myself to relax as he leant in and kissed me. His lips moved quickly, eagerly, soon finding my jawline, my neck...  _ I should be enjoying this _ . Wasn't it what I wanted? All I felt was numb; A spiralling kind of shock and confusion about what to do next. He was going too fast. No one had touched me like that, not since Day Zero. Fear bit at my fingertips as my back was pressed against the wall.

I pushed him away lightly. “Daniel I can't… please.” 

“Why not…” He tilted my head to kiss my ear, my cheek, over my eyes. “Haven't you missed this?”

_ Yes. _ I had. Fire burned through my skin.  _ Give in, stop fighting.  _ Laughter from downstairs brought me back to the real world. 

“No.” I pushed him again, more forcefully.

I had so many mixed feelings for him I couldn’t explain. Disappointment, hurt, loyalty, gratitude, connection… love? He huffed, stepped back, turned to leave.

“Daniel!” I called him before he got to the door. “You don't have to go, please, stay for a while?”

A short smile filtered across his face. “Sure.”

He left anyway.

A tornado billowed around my room, my legs gave way and I collapsed onto the bed, tears filling my eyes, wishing my house wasn’t full of guests.

I knew I wouldn’t see him again until the trial.

  
  


###  _ Ocean Eyes - Billie Eilish _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what do we think of Daniel?
> 
> This is the 3rd time I've rewritten this story and well, the ending and Daniels role has changed in every version 😂  
> I originally wrote him as the clear 'bad guy' but as I went on, I started feeling sorry for him (maybe I'm just a sucker for the gruff ones, Hello Mr Sidney Parker!) Now I'm not so sure. Who knows how it will end this time...
> 
> (I don't and I'm the one writing the thing!)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it's time for Theo to meet Daniel.   
> What could go wrong eh?  
> 😉

#  Day 352 - Thursday

Daniel was acting as if our conversation from the night before never happened. Or any of our previous conversations for that matter. He spent the day in one of his upbeat, cheeky moods. I have to admit, it was easier to deal with than a serious or angry one.

Olivia kicked off her shoes and lay across her usual bench in the courtyard. Daniel had taken off his jacket to reveal a skin-tight Ralph Lauren shirt. I noticed several pairs of eyes spying on us from the windows above. Neither of them seemed to mind having an audience. 

A text from Jenny arrived, asking if I was free to go on my first ‘date’ on Saturday. Guilt churned my stomach. I was still feeling bad about turning down the offer from the local news and found myself asking for help. 

Olivia sat back up. “So the reporter wanted to tell your story?”

“Yeah, he’s already met with some of the others. He’s writing the article this week.” I said.

“But you said no?” Daniel questioned. “How come?”

I glared at him as if to say ‘why do you think?’

“Don't worry about it.” Olivia shook her head. “You want your privacy, you don't have to feel bad about that.” 

Daniel turned on her with exaggerated gestures. “She has nothing to be ashamed of.” Then he looked back at me. “I  _ completely _ get why he wants to tell your story. You're an inspiration, look where you are now. You  _ should _ be proud of yourself.”

What he was saying was kind, sort of, I think, but the way he said it made me feel lik e I was being scolded, standing at the front of a class and being pointed at.

“I am proud of this place and what we’ve done,” I retorted. “And I’m not ashamed! But that doesn't mean I want everyone around me to…” I caught his eye and faltered. “To know everything. It was bad enough being in the news the first time.”

Olivia leaned across the table and put a hand on mine. “I understand you wanna help out. I think the dates are a great idea.”

Daniel’s reaction had shocked me, it left me feeling on edge. I wished I could have asked Theo about it.

  
  


It was ten minutes before finishing time. I knew that because I repeatedly looked at the clock, so much I was surprised my eyes hadn’t worn holes in it. Daniel and I were going over the day's work and listing jobs for tomorrow when Olivia knocked on the door of the office.

“Lara you have a visitor.” The words burst out of her wide grin before the door was even fully open.

Her delight was infectious. Grinning back, I jumped up from the desk, expecting it to be the delivery of all the samples we were waiting for - an event which we both loved. We would make ourselves tea, grab some biscuits and sit unwrapping the delicate squares of papers and fabrics as if they were long lost treasure, then scrutinize every page of new catalogues, swooning over styles and colours, spending our imaginary money and filling up imaginary houses.

She grabbed my hand and practically dragged me across the meeting area towards the entrance.

“Alright calm down. I'm coming.” I sang.

Only it was not a delivery.

“Theo!” I came to an abrupt standstill and had to remember to close my mouth. 

“Hey.” He hugged me. Spice. Soap. Heat. “I was early, I hope you don't mind me being nosey?” Scrunched up smiling eyes searched my face.

“Not at all.” Without thinking I smile d and bit my lip . When I realised, I closed my eyes and covered my mouth. “Sorry.”

Taking my hand, he whispered into my ear, “Dangerous.”

I held his gaze until the electricity in my veins threatened to paralyze me, then led him through the main door to show him the reception and meeting space.

Theo’s eyes swept around the room, taking in everything from the ceiling, the artwork, to the floor, before finally stopping at the plans on the table.

“You did these,” he half asked, half told me.

I nodded, my chest swelling as he lifted up one of the mood boards to feel the texture of a fabric sample.

“I could tell,” he said, “It's your style.”

“It is?” It still surprised me how much he noticed.

“Yes, it’s why you loved The Mermaid. It’s natural, peaceful. You love to feel like you're outdoors even when you're not. It’s beautiful.” He gave me a side on smile. “Like you.”

“Didn't make her my partner for no reason.” Daniel’s sudden statement startled us both.

We turned to see him behind us, leaning against the doorframe of my office, arms crossed. He approached - straightening himself up like a cat that puffs out its fur to appear larger  \- and offered a hand to Theo. “Daniel David. Pleased, and  _ surprised _ , to meet you Mr Taylor.”

Theo accepted the handshake, greeting Daniel in his normal relaxed manner.

Daniel raised an eyebrow towards me. “How on earth did this happen?”

I confess the look on Daniel’s face made me feel a little smug. “Oh, it’s a funny story. Which I'm sure Theo won't mind telling while we get changed. He does it much better than me.” I squeezed Theo’s hand. “You are a  _ talented _ actor after all.” Theo winked as I walked off with Olivia.

“He is  _ so _ into you.” She announced proudly in the ladies toilets.

If she was trying to encourage me it had the opposite effect. Without answering, I concentrated on changing into my clean blouse and jeans as quickly as possible. Sleek grey floor tiles were like smooth glassy ice, freezing against my bare feet.

“Woah there's no rush.” Olivia protested.

“I wanna get back out there before Daniel says something,” I mumbled, struggling to do up the tiny buttons on my rust coloured silk top. 

H alfway into her jeans, she paused, hovering one-legged like a flamingo.  “What do you mean? What would Daniel say?”

Hell if I knew; That was the problem. In Daniel’s eyes, money and fame made someone important, and Daniel was jealous of important people. He could get cocky and competitive. I worried he would show off to try and impress Theo. The whole idea of them meeting had made me uneasy from the start. Not to mention Daniel’s and my history. Which neither Theo nor Olivia knew about.

Olivia stood waiting for a response.  I’d never told her the full story of what happened between Daniel and I because at first, I was embarrassed. Plus Daniel said we should keep it quiet; I was his apprentice at the time. Then, when he became her boss too I didn't think I should say anything as I didn’t want her to feel awkward around him. Now I could see her crush growing and I knew how angry she would be with me. So I selfishly and foolishly kept my mouth shut.

I blagged an excuse, “Oh nothing, I don't know. He can just be a bit, you know, pushy.”

Theo was still smiling when we returned. Hopefully, that was a good sign. He held out a hand for me, warming my body up even though the office was coo l. If I was the earth, he was my sun, with the power to heat up the air around me, inside me, even across a vast space.

Daniel followed Olivia down the stairs while I set the alarm and locked the doors. 

“Sorry about completely ditching you back there with Daniel,” I whispered to Theo, in case anyone could still hear me, the stairwells tended to echo. “Please take anything he says with a pinch of salt, he can be… err.”

Theo smiled patiently as I put the keys back in my bag while searching for the right word.

“He was fine, don't worry,” he said. “He talked about you.”

My eye line dropped to my shoes. “That’s what I was worried about.” 

“Why would you be worried about someone telling me how incredibly talented you are? Which, I knew already by the way.” His eyebrows raised.

“Oh, well if that’s all he said then I’ll let him off.”

“You are a mystery to me Miss Quinn.”

He laughed as I took his hand and led him down toward the small entrance lobby. We caught up with the other two on the ground floor and exited together on to the street.

It was only a short walk along narrow cobbled streets to the centre of town. Daniel and Theo were busy talking about London as we entered the Italian. Terracotta walls. Oil paintings of rural Italy. Mediterranean style plates hanging from shelves of spices. As one of only a few restaurants in our little town, I’d been there numerous times before. It always made me feel like I was on holiday. I led the way in, discreetly asking for a spot at the back where it was more secluded. Greg and Sarah arrived just as we were taking our seats and introduced themselves to Daniel. Keeping my voice low, I offered Theo a chair facing away from the main seating area, I took the one opposite. It meant I ended up next to Daniel. At least I could keep an eye on him. Couldn’t help but notice, Olivia made a beeline for his other side.

  
  


We were onto deserts when Greg started talking about the band. “So Lara, you decided what you're singing yet?”

My ice cream went down the wrong way. “Singing?” I choked. 

Everything sounded fuzzy thanks to my last glass of wine - or maybe that was because of Theo's hand on my knee under the table. 

“Yeah, singing. You promised to join in for the next gig.” Laughed Greg, nudging Theo's shoulder.

“He's right, you did.” Theo's eyes glinted my way.

I challenged him back. “I seem to remember mentioning that I would  _ consider _ it, but only if you were coming.” 

“Well then, I am. Just you try and stop me.” A mischievous look wandered its way over his full lips, square jaw, high cheekbones.

I had to clear my throat and look away.

Sarah added. “How about a  _ Ruelle  _ or _ Swift _ song? Or an old lil’ jazzy number, you know those back to front.” 

“Crazy,” Daniel added out of the blue. We all looked at him. “Crazy? Patsy Cline. You sang it at the office party a few years back. Perfect for you Quinn.”

That was the night he first invited me into his place. If he remembered the song, he can't have been that drunk after all. I shrugged my shoulders wanting to wriggle free of everyone’s attention.

“Classic song,” Sarah agreed, finishing her last spoon of tiramisu. “And isn’t that the one the pub owner always asks for?” 

My eyes dropped. Under the table, my right hand reached for Theo’s knee, which I squeezed, while the left spun my empty wine glass. “Yes, it’s his wife's favourite song.”

“Hmm well, you have time to think about it.” With a tap on my hand, Theo abruptly stood up. “I think the next round is my turn.” 

The subject quickly changed to deciding on cocktails and I smiled my thanks toward him.  He had read me again. And saved me.

Daniel offered to help Theo with the drinks, I used the opportunity to go for a breather in the ladies. Unfortunately, I didn't get any peace; Olivia followed me.

“Like, what's up with Daniel tonight?” She huffed as soon as we were out of earshot.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I looked at her face in the mirror next to mine; lips puckered into a tight pout and her eyes into thin streaks of blue and black.

Daniel was acting strangely. I didn't like the way his arm kept lingering around the back of my chair.  I couldn't remember him ever being this touchy in public.  Or was I only noticing it because of the way Theo's eyes kept wandering toward my bosses hand barely an inch from my shoulder?

Olivia chewed the ends of her hair. “I don't know, he like, keeps going on about his car and stuff, like he's showing off all the time.”

“Oooh, that!” I’d forgotten Olivia had never seen Daniel out socially. “No that's just Daniel.” 

She looked disappointed. I restrained the 'I told you so.'

For goodness sake Daniel.

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Daniel leaned casually against the smooth wooden bar. He’d removed his jacket to display a large expensive watch, tanned arms and perfectly manicured hands.

“So you're sticking around for a while then?” He asked.

A twisting unease in Theo’s gut warned him not to share too much even though he didn't know Daniel well enough to make a fair judgment on his personality.

“A while, yes.” Was Theo’s simple reply, glancing down at his own hands - weathered and rough from the outdoors. “How long have you worked with Lara?”

“Few years now. Took her on as an apprentice out of college. Made her my partner last year. I saw her potential.”

There was an edge to Daniel's voice as he spoke about Lara being  _ his _ partner that made Theo's hands and jaw instinctively clench. 

“We work well together,” Daniel said, “I like her style.” He smirked into his glass. “Except for her black bedroom that is. Aye, that’s a little too bold even for me, what d’ya reckon?”

Their eyes met for a second before Theo ordered the rest of the drinks. Why Daniel felt the need to point out that he had been in Lara’s bedroom, Theo wasn't sure. 

Although he could guess.

Had they been more than business partners? What if - Theo’s skin flashed with heat - what if Daniel was the reason Lara left London, the reason for her anxiety and lack of confidence? 

The pieces fitted. Theo forced a smile, jamming his fists into his pockets. 

He reminded himself again; he didn't know Daniel well enough to make a fair judgment on his personality. It didn't help change the way he felt.

  
  


###  *** LARA ***>

Heads turned as Theo and Daniel walked back to our table. I prayed no one would recognise Theo, I didn’t want him to leave. They were both about the same height and build. That was where the similarities ended. Daniel was always pristine. He walked with his back straight and chin high, flashing a ‘hello ladies’ smile at any woman who looked his way. Whereas Theo was rugged, warm, natural. He carried his good looks with nonchalance, as though someone had w ritten ‘handsome’ on a post-it note and stuck it to his back, unnoticed . There was no need, or desire to draw attention to himself. He knew first hand the dark side of being in the limelight.

I thanked Theo as he passed over my mojito. His customary smile had hardened into a thin line. 

Edging my chair closer, I reached for his hand under the table. “Ok?” 

He held on tightly and replied with a short, “Fine.” 

He wasn’t. My throat knotted.  _ Daniel. _ What the hell had he done now?

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

“Thank you for the invite tonight Daniel. Good to put a face to the name.” Theo was careful not to say 'it was nice to meet you,’ as it wouldn't have been entirely true.

“Likewise.” Daniel joined Theo at the side of his car as they arrived back outside the offices. “Nice wheels. Didn't fancy upgrading to the new model then?” Sarcastic. “Ay n’ by the way, no hard feelings about me staying with your girlfriend right?” Daniel laughed, eyes glazed and voice overly loud from the effect of alcohol.

Refusing to take the bait about Lara, Theo smiled calmly. “None at all.” Also, he was quite happy with his 4-year-old car.

Lara gave a last hug to Sarah and came over to join them. Theo pulled her close, waving a goodbye to Olivia who went to start her car. Daniel followed her, hovering by their passenger door, waiti ng, still and silent like a spider on a web.

Lara’s eyes were worried, pinched in the middle. “Theo...” He would never get used to the way she said his name. He wanted to hear it over and over again. “What’s wrong?” She asked in barely more than a whisper.

“Does Daniel stay with you often?”

“No, this is the first time. Why?” She narrowed her eyes, it looked like she already suspected the answer.

“Hmm, nothing, don't worry.”

“Theo, what did he say?” Blue eyes rolled in Daniel's direction. “Theo?” She repeated his name, slower, deeper. 

Damn. 

He laughed gently, hands sliding around to her back, pulling her to his body. “I can't hide anything from you can I?”

“I hope not.” Her long fingers held onto his waist.

The urge to pick her up and have her legs wrapped around him, to bury his face into that gorgeous spot just under her ear shot through his veins. It would have been incredible. He controlled it. The old Theo wouldn't have thought twice about it. That wasn’t what he wanted anymore. He wanted more. Something real.

Lara deserved more. And she  _ was _ real.

“Random question.” Theo took a chance. “Do you have a black bedroom?”

Her face scrunched up again. Adorable. “What? No, I was  _ going _ to. Then I went for cornflower.” 

Cornflower, Theo was ninety-nine per cent sure, was light greyish blue. Most people would have just said blue. Not Lara. Why use such a generic word when there were so many others.

Theo half exhaled, half laughed, his mind swiftly being made up regarding Daniel. He knew plenty of men like him, men who liked to be in control, to assert their position and authority. To compete over having the best, whether that was cars, clothes, or sadly - women. He understood why Lara had called him 'difficult.' He was the kind of man who made it hard to say no; He probably wouldn’t have listened when people did. He had pushed Lara into letting him stay. 

Theo wasn't afraid to push back.

He smiled in Daniels' direction, who was still standing across the street, watching. 

_ Let him watch _ .

  
  


###  *** LARA ***

A saxophone was playing in the jazz club around the corner, mellow tones of  _ The Flamingos _ drifted in and out on the breeze, sometimes becoming so quiet I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it.

Theo held onto my waist as he leant back against his car, his skin glowing orange under the streetlights. I got the feeling his bizarre interest in my bedroom colour had something to do with an earlier question about Daniel staying over. Especially as he kept looking over my shoulder to where Daniel stood watching u s, eyes burning into my back like lasers.

Swirling from one expression to another, Theo’s face changed so quickly I couldn’t pin any feeling down. Without warning, he kissed me in a way that felt far too intimate to be out in public. Fingers grasped my hair and around my neck as his mouth discovered every millimetre of my own. I should have been embarrassed or nervous. I didn't care.

I didn’t care.

Kissing him was like taking my first breath, pure exhilarating new life pumped through my veins. Kissing him was like taking my last breath, urgent, desperate for more.

“I'll call you tomorrow after work,” he said, breathless.

It was a struggle to pull myself away. I drew a finger down the line of his nose. “You better.”

  
  


###  _ I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos _


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback time...

# DAY 161

Every day I went to court determined to be strong, every day I ended up sitting in a bleak corridor, fixed to the spot like a stone-cold statue. Several people spoke to me, including the police inspector overseeing my case. I don’t remember what they said. Their words faded into the beige carpet, beige walls and the smell of damp musty books.

Statements from the families of the two murdered women broke my heart, not only because of their loss but because I kept seeing visions of my own parents up on the stand with them. The thought of what they almost went through - and that I wouldn’t have been there to help them - scared me as much as dying had, if not more.

Thinking it was better for my parents not to know what happened, I’d tried to keep as much of my ordeal from them as possible. Now I realised what an evil thing your imagination could be. They sat through hours of hearing about the other two women. Both found in a nearby park, stabbed, their bodies dumped, naked as if they meant nothing, as if they had been nothing. Mom had left the courtroom crying with relief when Daniel described finding me, my clothes mostly intact. Dad looked thin, grey and exhausted.

After days of evidence and accounts from various witnesses and experts, the trial was now finally coming to a close. The verdict was due at any time. Mom and Dad sat either side of me in the worn-out waiting area. Daniel paced up and down the hallway, smart shoes clipping against the concrete floor. Olivia and Greg had travelled to London with us for support and we're waiting back at my old flat.

A voice came over a speaker, calling everyone back to the courtroom. The jury was ready. My heart dropped into my stomach, my legs filled with lead and refused to stand.

“I'll wait here with you sweetie.” Dad offered, holding onto my arm.

No. I needed to face _him_ . “Dad I have to see this, I want to go in.” To show _him_ I wasn't afraid, to see his face as he heard the sentence.

Daniel stopped pacing. “Alright then. Let's get this over with.” He took my other arm and we all entered the courtroom together.

_He_ , Jeff, looked different from what I remembered, his hair had been shaved and he wore a shirt with smart trousers. He looked like any normal man you would pass on the street. It made me sick to think I’d actually felt sorry for him because of being so quiet. Anger and hatred now ran through m y system like venom, r aising my temperature, making my skin sweat. Jeff didn’t show any remorse. _Would I care if he did?_ I don't know what I expected to feel, some sort of closure I suppose.

The judge gave his final comments before asking the jury for their decision. I looked up at the ceiling, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Most of the courtroom was an original Victorian brick building but it had been added to over the decades, making it a patched-up collage of styles; art deco, 70’s brutal concrete and then some more recent glass additions. It was like an architectural history lesson all thrown into one spot.

Buildings were planned and logical, if something didn’t work, you traced back to the source of the problem, fixed it, or ripped it out and started again. If done properly, you would never know there had been an issue in the first place. I wished the same could be said about humans.

Guilty. 

Life in prison. 

The verdict didn't make me feel any better. I wanted him to suffer the way I had, to feel the despair and pain of the families that he had destroyed. I wanted him dead, yet death seemed too easy, too peaceful. I hoped prison was as bad as TV made it out to be.

Most of the other family members cried. Some held their chins high saying that justice had been done. There were no more tears for me to cry. And I definitely didn’t feel victorious. The police inspector calmly read out our pre-prepared statement to some reporters that were waiting outside while another officer ushered us toward a taxi.

Daniel took the front seat, my parents sat with me in the back. We passed a group of girls, dressed all in pink out on a hen night; I smiled at a memory of a fancy dress party Olivia and I had been to a few years ago. I’d been anxious about an upcoming exam, she talked me into going anyway. Those kinds of worries felt ridiculously small now. A shiver ran up my legs. I never thought I could miss worrying about small things.

  
  


The same page of my book had been sitting in front of me for over half an hour. Every time I made another effort to read, my mind would wander off after a few words, leaving me lifeless like an empty shell. Greg and Olivia had gone back to a nearby hotel. My parents had finally gone to bed. I was exhausted but too agitated to sleep. Daniel sat at the other end of the sofa, mindlessly flicking through TV channels. He didn’t seem to want sleep or be alone either.

His witness was the last statement to have been given. The heavy wooden doors of the courtroom had groaned as I cracked them open enough to listen through the gap. He recalled events clearly and calmly, describing them in the same methodical way he listed out the daily tasks at work; He had arrived and opened the gates, he saw the new carpenter kneeling over something in the yard, with what looked like a saw or knife in his hand. It was only as he got closer that he had realised it was a person on the floor, and then me. Jeff ran. Daniel stayed and called an ambulance as he tried to stop the bleeding.

The prosecutor asked him about my condition and for the first time his voice cracked. 'Her shirt was torn, there was blood everywhere.' I heard a shaky breath before he carried on. 'She was barely conscious. I kept telling her to hold on.'

He didn't tell them about the kiss or that he loved me.

I suppose it wasn't relevant.

“Got anything to drink Quinn?” Daniel startled me. It had gone dark out, his face flashed in and out of view from the light of the TV screen.

“Sure, help yourself, on the counter…” I pointed towards the tea and coffee pots.

He sighed, “I meant something stronger.” 

“Oh?” I thought for a second - there was a bottle of whiskey in the cupboard that I’d been given ages ago and hadn't touched. I jumped up, suddenly feeling reckless. “Hell yes.” I fetched the bottle and brought it back with two glasses.

“Aye, that's more like it.” He poured us both a large shot. 

We drank in silence, slowly letting the warm liquid sink into our bodies, breathing in the heat. It was the first alcohol I’d drank since Day Zero, I could already feel it going to my head, and my knees. 

He lifted the bottle. “Another one?”

Without a word, I held my glass out. He gave me a smile, he had a nice smile. I giggled. Don't ask, it just came out. It sounded alien, I shouldn't have been giggling after the day I had. My hand clamped over my mouth as it turned into a choked sob. Daniel moved up the sofa, sliding an arm around my shoulder as he topped up my glass.

“Yup… today sucked.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “Woah this is good stuff.” He inspected the bottle with a nod, raised eyebrows, lower lip pushed out.

“It should be,” I said, “You brought it.” 

“I did?”

“When you promoted me.” I poked him in the side, he caught my hand and he pulled me closer.

“So I did. What can I say? I have good taste.” 

He downed another shot in one, I giggled again as his eyes watered from the fiery taste. I had missed him. Why couldn't he be like this all the time? Everyone has faults. Maybe, if I tried harder I could ignore his.

Leaning into his shoulder, I looked around the now almost empty flat. It was odd being back, it felt like mine but not mine. I’d stepped into some sort of parallel universe. 

“Are you going to rent this place out again?” I asked.

“Suppose so.” He poured us both another shot. “I was hoping you’d change your mind.”

Pressing his nose to my cheek, he wrapped a hand around my face, lips brushing along my jawline. I gasped and closed my eyes, my chest filling with a different kind of heat to the whiskey. Turning my head towards his, he kissed me. Every one of my thoughts dissolved, he distracted me from everything, leaving nothing but the pressure of his mouth, his touch, his taste. He was safe, familiar, being with him was easy. _It could still be easy._

The hunger of his grip intensified. He wanted me. Did he love me? _Really?_ I kept telling myself I must have imagined him saying it as that was easier than worrying about why he hadn't repeated it since.

His hand dropped from my cheek to my neck, to my chest. For one heart-stopping second, it became Jeff's hand. _Oh God._ Panic and ice shook my body.

“Daniel stop.” I pushed my hands into his chest. He dropped his head with a groan. “You should go.” My words were slurred and heavy. Whiskey and I didn’t mix.

He called a taxi and left me silent and alone in the dark.

  
  


###  _Dancing With Our Hands Tied - Taylor Swift_

  
  


# Day 162

I'm not sure how long I sat in a daze after Daniel left, I must have eventually drifted off to sleep because I woke up on the sofa, wearing yesterday's clothes. I blinked my eyes into focus. Mom was up, she clicked on the kettle.

“What time is it?” I mumbled, dragging my feet clumsily behind me into the kitchen area.

“Nearly ten. I tried not to wake you, sorry baby.” She added an extra mug onto the counter and spooned in a portion of coffee ready for me. “Did you sleep ok?” Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, she'd probably been crying again.

I yawned, “Sort of.”

She looked pointedly over at the whiskey bottle and glasses. “How long did Daniel stay?”

“Oh, not long.” I rubbed my eyes and dug out a box of Paracetamol. “An hour, maybe a bit more.” 

“You know I love you,” she said softly, touching a finger to the tip of my nose. “And I desperately want you to come home but are you sure this is what _you_ want?” Her voice was calm, composed. Her eyes showed fear of what the answer might be. The same eyes as mine - blue and green like tropical waters.

“Yes Mom. I'm sure. I don't want to be here anymore.” I wrapped her into a tight hug. “I love you too.”

“You'll miss him?” She meant Daniel, there was no one else.

“Yeah. I will. I do.” 

Moving away would be good for both of us. I hoped.

  
  


A van arrived to collect the sofa and a few other odd bits of leftover furniture. Greg and Olivia had popped to the office on their way home to pick up my laptop as well as some photos and personal things from my desk. I couldn't face walking in there.

I went around checking each room for any forgotten items. My flat looked the way I felt - empty, sad and worn out.

Dad gave a tight smile as I returned to the front door. “All ready chicken?” 

I nodded. “Yep. There's just one thing I need to do.” My mind was made up. 

We got in the car and gave Dad Daniels address. His large townhouse soon came into view. Nausea clenched my stomach. I asked my parents to wait in the car. I wouldn’t be long. 

One thing Daniel and I did always agree on was design. His place was exquisite, everything made from the best - stone, marble, solid oak - and thanks to his cleaners it was always perfect. He answered the door in shorts, nothing else, with wet hair.

_Make it more difficult, why don't you._

I trained my focus on his face. “We need to talk.”

With only a nod, he stepped aside for me to enter, then shut the door behind me.

“I shouldn't have let that happen last night,” I said. “I should have stopped you sooner and I'm sorry.” My hands pulled the hem of my coat into fists as I bit my lip. Stupid annoying habit. 

“Lara, please.” Daniel took my hands. I could smell the trace of last night's alcohol on his breath, sweat, soap and… was that a sweet perfume on his skin? “It was bad timing. When you come back--”

“I’m not coming back. I’m moving and I'm not going to change my mind. I can't be here anymore. I'm… I don’t...” I leant my back against the cool tiled wall.

“I’ll look after you, I won't let you down again.” That rare, softer side of his voice broke through my will power. Which was why I didn’t push him away when his hands slid up my arms to my shoulders.

What was wrong with me? Surely being looked after wasn’t so bad? All I had to do was sink into his smooth arms and let him take me away from all the anxiety. _Maybe what we have is enough._

Tears filled my eyes, I looked at the ceiling. “I don't want to be ‘looked after,’ wrapped up and sheltered for the rest of my life. I need to learn how to be me again.” 

It made more sense in my head. He nodded anyway, although I had the impression he wasn't really listening. One of his hands had found its way into my hair. 

“We’ve been through so much and I know you feel guilty.” _Don't cry,_ I kept thinking, _don't cry_. “But we can’t be together because you're guilty and I’m grateful.”

“You never used to worry about _why_ we were together. We just were, and it worked.”

None of my friends or family knew about him, could you really class that as being together? Our relationship was secret at work. We’d never even been on a date.

His damp hair cooled my face, whiskey mouth brushed my cheeks. “Lara, stay…” He whispered.

“Why?”

“Because I want you to.”

“Why?” I repeated louder, fists tightening. I wouldn't give in this time. My eyes closed to block out his. 

“Because we’re good, no, we are better than good together, and we’ll both miss this.”

“And what is _‘this’_ Daniel?”

Annoyance simmered through his hand, tightening on my neck. He didn’t like being questioned or rejected. 

After a minute of silence - during which he pulled away - I sighed, “Exactly.” 

Two years of ‘this’ and he couldn't give me an answer. 

“I don't want to be with someone who can’t answer that question,” I said, “Not anymore.”

No response. 

He didn’t love me.

A cold knife stabbed me again. I let my head drop onto his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

“Promise me you'll be careful.” He murmured against my ear.

We separated and I found a smile. “Oh, you know how much I love health and safety. I'll be back at work in a few weeks. I'll let you know about any office spaces I find.” 

“Grand.” His business face was already back. “I'll send over the next project info. Be good to have you back Quinn.”

And there we were - back to ‘Quinn.’ For him, ending the conversation, and everything else we had shared, was as simple as bulldozing a house made of paper.

Letting myself out, I looked back from the doorway to see him one last time. I didn’t have the strength left to say goodbye or to argue about why there was a pair of women's shoes by the door.

They probably belonged to the same woman as the sweet perfume.

  
  


###  _Best Of You - Foo Fighters_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little side info for anyone who's interested (Following the discussion about Theo and Daniels differences)
> 
> I always take a personality test for each of my characters, Lara is an ISTJ-T. The Logistician (Introvert, Observant, Thinking and Judging) These people tend to be reserved yet willful, with a rational outlook on life. They compose their actions carefully and carry them out with methodical purpose.
> 
> Theo is an ESFJ-T. The Consul. (Extraverted, Observant, Feeling, and Judging)  
> They are attentive and people-focused, and they enjoy taking part in their social community. Their achievements are guided by decisive values, and they willingly offer guidance to others.
> 
> Daniel is an ESTJ-T. The Executive. (Extraverted, Observant, Thinking and Judging)  
> They possess great fortitude, emphatically following their own sensible judgment. They often serve as a stabilizing force among others, able to offer solid direction amid adversity.  
> Now I know, that doesn't sound like Daniel... I was a bit surprised by his result at first but then I read his weaknesses: Inflexible and Stubborn. Judgmental. Too focused on social status. Difficulty relaxing. Unable to express emotion.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thunder only happens when it's raining,  
> players only love you...
> 
> Disagreements and revelations

#  Day 353 - Friday

“What was going on with you last night?” Olivia’s voice coming from downstairs sent an icy chill through my spine and froze my feet to the carpet of the top step. “You were showing off and you were horrible about Theo.”

They had obviously been talking again.

“I wasn’t horrible. I don’t trust him.” Daniel replied.

This conversation wasn't meant for me, I shouldn't have been listening. They weren't exactly being quiet though.

“I mean, Theodore Taylor?” He practically spat the name out. “If she’s happy to get off with some reckless partying womaniser then fine. She sure picked a good one.”

Ironic. He was quite happy for me to ‘get off’ with himself - a reckless partying womaniser. Anger bubbled in my gut.

Olivia stepped in to defend Theo. “He's not like that anymore, you don't know him.” She sounded wound up.

“And you do?”

“If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous. If you still have feelings for her...” Olivia’s voice trailed away.

How would she know if he ever had feelings for me? If Daniel told her what had happened between us, then she also knew how much I’d been hiding.

When he spoke again his voice was quieter, as though they were closer together. I leaned forward a step to hear. Not my finest moment I'll admit. “Don't be ridiculous Livy.”  _ Livy? _ “You know it's not like that. She died in my arms.” A crack appeared through his words, the way it had in court when giving his statement.

I would never wish my experience on my worst enemy. But I tried to imagine it from Daniel’s side. Finding a friend - or whatever I was to him - in my state, knowing there was nothing you could do, desperately begging them to hold on. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone either. Pins and needles were going through my left foot; I’d been holding it at a funny angle to avoid a creaky floorboard.

“I know,” Olivia soothed, “She's getting better, and stronger. You have to stop worrying, and you owe her an apology.” There was another pause, a long one, it made me feel even more awkward.

“Fine, I will.” Daniel was smiling, I could tell. He’d used his charm enough times on me for me to recognise it. “She thinks I’m not good enough for you.” 

“She’s right. You're not,” Olivia teased.

It went quiet again.

I’d heard enough. I pulled my bedroom door shut with a loud bang and stomped down the stairs.

To think Olivia would always tell me everything was immature. People grow, they enter new relationships, loyalties change. Hadn't I only recently kept things from her, choosing instead to keep Theo’s confidence? And I knew Daniel would move on - it had taken him less than 24-hours for goodness sake - I just didn't expect it to  _ ever _ be with Olivia.

A hollow opened in my chest knowing that I hadn't been there for her, the way she always was for me. Daniel’s words; ‘he wasn't here for  _ her, _ ’ floated through my mind like a ghost. 

What the actual hell was he playing at?

I pressed a hand over my chest to quieten my pounding heart.

  
  


Technical drawings and architects plans were now surrounded by my own sketches, samples and colours along with images of furniture and products, bringing the whole concept to life for our final presentation. Despite everything, it was a good week's work.

Thankfully, there was so much to do that I’d been able to avoid Olivia and Daniel for most of the day. They had noticed. She caught my eye, I pretended not to then see her jab Daniel in the ribs.

“Fantastic work Quinn, as always.” He came to a stop behind my shoulder. “Can I have a minute?” As if I had a choice. “In the office.”

Again, he offered me  _ my own _ chair. I wanted to yell ‘this is my office!’ Instead, I imagined myself in a happy place - on the beach - and let the cool seawater wash away my anger. Theo had been teaching me some of the techniques he used for expressing characters' emotions. It worked. I couldn’t wait to tell him.

Daniel sat opposite. “I owe you an apology for last night. My behaviour was out of order.”

Wow. Ok, not what I expected to hear. He had actually listened to Olivia. A tiny pinprick of hope - the spark of a match - lit up once again; he  _ could _ change.

He smiled, “Theo seems like a nice guy.”

Hmm, not what he’d said that morning. He was lying.  The match was quickly blown out.

“So you're going to see him again?” He asked, casually, making out he wasn't bothered. 

I responded flatly, “Yes.”

That was when he changed. He wasn't getting anything out of me so gave up on the charm. 

“Aye, I get it now.” Looking down at me like a teacher about to tell off a student, he crossed his arms. “The reason why you don't wanna speak to that reporter is because  _ he _ doesn't know yet isn’t it?” He didn’t give me a chance to answer. “You're so worried about Mr Flashy Holywood finding out about you, that you'd rather  _ lie _ and miss out on an incredible opportunity.” He sat up straight, smug with his own apparent wisdom.

Opportunity? Of course! Daniel wasn't thinking of the charity, he saw it as a chance for me to receive some kind of glory, fame even. In his mind, what other reason would there be?

I glared at him. “This has nothing to do with Theo.” Although... it did. A little. “You of all people should understand why I don't want to talk about what happened.”

“The Lara I knew wouldn't be afraid of what other people thought.”

“Well guess what Daniel?” My voice raised. “She's dead. She was murdered.  So I’m sorry but that kind of thing affects a person's confidence.” Standing to meet his eyes, my mental image of a calm beach burnt to ash. All I could hear was the thumping of my own heart.

I’d never shouted at him before, his eyes widened in surprise. “If you say that's the only reason then fine. But we both know you can't keep it hidden forever.” Narrowed eyes flicked down to my stomach. “He’ll find out. One way or another he's going to have a nasty shock.”

Nasty?

_ Nasty. _

He was bloody lucky I’d sworn to never hit anyone again.

Sharp edges of the desk dug into my hands, I gripped them harder, using the discomfort to focus. Daniel had the look of someone  who was holding onto a secret, a secret that gave him power, a secret he couldn't wait to use to his own advantage. He had said something to Theo. I knew it - it explained the odd questions about my room. 

“I am not going to discuss my relationships with you,” I said, throwing ice and daggers into my voice. “And don't ever speak to me like that again. Especially if you want to keep seeing my best friend.”

Did he honestly think I wouldn’t tell Olivia about this? The arrogance of the man. I gave a pointed look toward Olivia’s desk. The realisation that he had overstepped a line finally dawned on his face.

“Now if you don't mind.” I turned back to my computer and made myself busy. “I have work to do so I would like  _ my _ office back. Safe journey, and don't forget the presentation folder on your way out.” 

Hell, that felt good.

He left without another word - like usual - crossed the reception, picked up the folder and headed for the exit. He stopped briefly to say goodbye to Olivia, barely even looking at her. She stared after him, her arms drooping by her sides. Hopefully, I wouldn't see him again for a while, which meant neither would she. Her sad eyes and wrinkled brow tore through my anger; I remembered what it felt like to be disappointed by Daniel. 

These days, I’d grown to expect it.

  
  


###  _ Dreams - Fleetwood Mac _

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Chloe ran out to meet Theo as he pulled up on the drive later that evening and wrapped him in a hug as soon as he stepped out of the car. There was no grudge for his missing out on a year of her life, it was in the past, completely and truly forgiven. The regret still ached inside Theo like a broken bone that wouldn't hea l. He hugged her back, lifting her off the ground.

Their parents waited by the door. Theo dropped his bags and gave his smiling mother a customary kiss on the cheek, his father a handshake. When he arrived back from LA the year before and turned up at their door at two in the morning with no warning, they too had welcomed him home with open arms. Nevertheless, there was a lake of unease surrounding each of them filled with distrust, hurt and disappointment. S ome days the lake would shrink, o thers it would refill again. Theo feared it would never dry up completely.

They ate dinner together around the table in the kitchen, catching up on the events of the past few weeks. It didn’t take long for Theo’s mother to ask about his date, her eyes dancing with curiosity. Theo glanced toward his father, who wore a forced smile, scarcely masking his worry. Another bucket of water had just been added to his lake.

Christopher Taylor saw that his son was the kind of person who would never walk when he could run or like when he could love. It was one of his strengths. Theo knew it could also be a weakness. It had led him to trust the wrong people and get led astray.

The only thing he could do to prove himself now - as Lara said - was to be patient, to carry on being honest, being himself, then the people who mattered would know the truth. The people that mattered to Theo were all sitting around him. Well, nearly all the people. So he took her advice and told the truth about her. All of it. How they met, her work, the band, meeting her friends, even about Phillip.

“Glad you got rid of that bloke.” His father said eventually.

Chloe snorted, “Yea he was a dick.”

Christopher laughed in agreement. “On that note, I’m heading for bed.” He patted Theo’s shoulder. “Good to have you back. Maybe we’ll get to meet this girl soon eh?” 

His genuine interest gave Theo hope, he started to grin. “Maybe.”

Thanks to Lara’s advice the edges of the lake were slowly evaporating again. He couldn't wait to tell her.

  
  


“Come ooooon Tee, gimme some details please.” Chloe nagged Theo while helping carry his bags upstairs. “So you really like her? What’s she like? When can we meet her?”

“I said you could  _ maybe _ meet her. It’s only been a few weeks, I don't want to scare her away.”

“We’re not scary!” She dumped the bag unceremoniously on the floor and sat on his bed. “Come on what does she look like, you gotta photo?”

“Hmm, no I haven’t.” 

Theo stopped unpacking, realising that Lara had never once asked him for a picture, she hadn't even told anyone apart from her close friends about knowing him. He smiled. Of course she hadn't. She didn't view him as some kind of status trophy to be bragged about.

Sitting on the bed, on her phone, Chloe started whispering to herself. “Lives in Wales… Construction and interiors… yes!” She jumped up. “Is this her?”

A picture of Lara on Instagram was being waved around an inch from Theo’s face. “That's her, how did you find that so quickly?”

Chloe pulled a face at him as if that were the dumbest question ever. “Err, it's called the internet?”

The phone was whisked away again. Theo wished he had taken a longer look.

“She’s pretty,” Chloe said, back on the bed, zooming in on the picture.

“Yes, very.”

“It’s a private account, I can't see anything else, I’ll have to follow her--”

“No!” Theo reached for the phone but missed. “Don't do that, she’ll know I’ve been talking about her.”

“Ok ok, I won't. Jees, calm it down.”

Theo turned back to unpacking. Chloe went back to her phone.

“Woah,” she said a few minutes later, “You know there’s another Lara Quinn from London, got attacked last year by a serial killer but survived. How freaky is that?”

Someone had just tipped a bucket on ice on Theo’s head, at least that's what it felt like. His hands stuck to the handle of his wardrobe. 

He quickly formed his face back into a smile. “Hmm, freaky.” Digging an elbow into Chloe’s ribs, he nudged her off the bed. “Hey, I think that's enough snooping for one day, go on, get outta here, I’m shattered.”

“I’m gooooing.” She giggled in between trying to fend off his hands as he pushed her playfully onto the hallway, where she then started dancing, wrapping her arms around her waist pretending to hug someone. “You just wanna just call Laaaaara.” 

He took a step forward to grab her, she made a run for it down the hall, shrieking with laughter.

Theo lay on his bed looking at all the old music and film posters that covered the walls, mentally listing off what he knew; Lara would have been in London when that attack happened. London was a big place, then again, Lara Quinn wasn't exactly a common name. She’d asked him not to google her. Something had happened in London to make her come back. She panicked when she thought Theo was attacking her… but wouldn't everyone? She lost her temper when Phillip mentioned something she’d been through.

No. Ridiculous. It had to be another person. It couldn't be the forever smiling, sweet and kind Lara he knew. 

It couldn't be  _ his _ Lara.

Could it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Chloe Chloe Chloe, what have you done.
> 
> (cue dramatic music) Dun dun duuuuuuuuuur!  
> 😉


	24. Chapter 24

#  Day 354 - Saturday

Soggy cereals were disgusting. I hadn’t meant to let them go soggy, but after taking one mouthful - about quarter of an hour ago - I felt too sick to eat anymore.

Following Daniel’s abrupt departure yesterday I’d kept myself busy, then gone to bed early to avoid Olivia. I heard muffled sounds of her taking on the phone late in the night in a way that made me uneasy. And guilty. She was talking to Daniel. Either that or she had met someone else I didn't know about.  She knew what I thought about Daniel - I had to let her make her own choices, her own mistakes. 

Only, she didn't know  _ everything _ , did she? Who knows how he had spun our story. 

Oh hell, if I told her now, would she think I was jealous? That I was telling her out of spite? It didn’t matter, one way or another I had to tell her. I’d already been hiding too much, from too many people.

Theo would know how to tell her. He would have the perfect words to open up the truth without causing any more problems. I wished I could ask him, but that would mean telling him about Daniel too. 

Every day I told myself to  _ ‘Be brave, be honest.’ _

Every day I ignored myself.

A buzz from my phone interrupted my idle cereal stirring.

**“Morning beautiful. Arrived safely back home. Have already been interrogated about you ;-) Off to meet some old school friends for lunch. Call you later x wish you were here babe… I miss you already Txxx”**

A tear dropped into the bowl of what was now a mush of wheat and milk.

“Larlar! What’s wrong?” Olivia rushed into the room. I hadn't heard her coming down the stairs. She came to standstill at the other side of the table when she saw the phone in my hand. “Crap. Is that Theo? Oh God, have you.... you've broken up?” 

Sitting beside me, she slowly and carefully put an arm around my waist, afraid of breaking me any further. 

I slid the phone towards her and she read, her breath quickening as a smile appeared. “I don't get it hun? That’s like, so sweet. Why are you crying?”

I rubbed my face with my sleeve. Attractive. “Because I miss him too. And I… I really like him Liv, but he doesn't know me.” I sniffed, my hands shaking. “I wish he’d stop calling me beautiful. He wouldn't say it if he saw--”

“Don’t say that. You are beautiful, get that into your head. You have to just tell him. Rip the plaster off and get it over with. He likes you, like, a lot, I mean, he told his family about you. But if he can’t deal with your past then he's not the right guy. It’s not like he’s squeaky clean either Larlar! I’m sorry I pushed you into this.”

“You didn’t. I thought I could keep my distance but, argh I feel so stupid, I’m such a bloody cliche. We all knew it wouldn’t last, even Daniel said... he thinks I’m…” I choked.

Daniel had confirmed my fears. I was damaged.

_ Nasty. _

“Don't listen to Daniel. He’s just jealous,” she hissed. I didn’t ask what he’d done to annoy her. “Anyway. Forget about him. We have TV to catch up on, then you have a date tonight!” She clapped her hands before heading for the TV. 

I'd forgotten I was due to meet Andrew’s brother. I dropped my face into my hands.

She laughed, “It’s only coffee right? You’ll enjoy it, you won't have to stay long.”

“I suppose so.” I flopped onto the sofa next to her ready for an episode of  _ Friends. _ (We were at the one where Joey gets his head stuck in a turkey.)

Best friends were... The best.

I  _ had _ to tell her the truth about Daniel. I tried not to think about it as we both started singing along to the theme tune.

  
  


Theo rang as I arrived at the Costa Coffee ready for my ‘date.’

“Mr Taylor,” I answered with a smile.

He chuckled, “Miss Quinn, what are you up to?” His voice filled my insides with heat - his question filled it with ice.

“I'm just about to meet a friend for coffee. You?” That wasn’t a lie. Not exactly.

He briefly told me about his day, seeing his friends, and about the huge mountain of a dinner he was now expected to eat with his family. What was it about parents and their constantly wanting to feed you up as if you never ate without them? I giggled as his warm, purring tone swept away my anxiety. 

A man who looked like a younger, slimmer version of Andrew stopped at the crossing further up the street. “I think my friend just turned up, I better go.”

“Of course. Hey, do you want to meet on Monday when I’m back?”

“Definitely.” There was a lot I needed to tell him - that gave me time to work out how. “How about at the beach, after work?”

“Perfect.”

I was grinning and tapping out a rhythm on my arm. “Ok well… I’ll see you there.” I couldn't help but be excited, even if it meant a difficult conversation. “Oh and Theo?”

“Hmm?”

I doubted myself, then closed my eyes and went for it. “I miss you too.” 

There was a pause. “You do?”

“Yes.” I laughed again - how could he not believe that? 

He inhaled a long slow breath. “I’m glad it’s not just me going mad.”

“It’s not.”

  
  


Jason was a carbon copy of his older brother Andrew - warm and friendly. He introduced himself with a wide smile, held the door open for me and pulled out a chair at one of the small round tables near the window. Gentleman. He also had Andrew’s trait of being a chatterbox, which meant all I had to do was come up with a question every now and then to start him off, then he would whittle away about his job, his love of old cars, his family etc. Before I knew it, two hours had gone by, along with several cups of coffee. My head was buzzing from all the caffeine. Surprisingly though, I did enjoy it. He was a kind soul and obviously, he knew about DAYS and why I was there, which meant I didn't have to worry about what I could, or could not share. That was the way I should always have felt when with my friends. A nagging weight pulled at my mind for not being honest with Olivia and Theo sooner. 

  
  


Jenny called when I got home to find out all the goss from my first, first date. She then asked what I thought about having some sort of public open day or event at the end of the fundraising activities, to which we would invite everyone who had supported the charity, along with past and present members. I told her it was a great idea and that I’d do everything I could to help. 

It was the least I could do for not meeting with the reporter.

  
  


###  _ Scars To Your Beautiful - Alessia Cara _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Lara is starting to feel the pressure... Secrets catch up on us all at some point.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come on Lara, you can do it!!!
> 
> A little fun on the beach... :-)

#  Day 356 - Monday

###  _ Rainy Days and Mondays - The Carpenters _

  
  


Most of my Sunday had been spent going over what to say to Olivia about Daniel. Quite a bit of chocolate had been harmed in the process. Plus a copious amount of singing along to every confidence-boosting track I could find.

Typically, I was flat out at work all morning. I had to visit a new site to do some measuring up then when I got back, every time I tried to start a conversation with Olivia, one of our phones would ring. We barely even had a lunch break. 

I checked my watch again. 4:35pm. Not long until I saw Theo. I couldn't think about it without my lungs  filling with concrete.

“Stop overthinking. You'll be fine.” Olivia stopped in the doorway of my office, watching me, watching my watch. She presumed my nerves and jittery behaviour all day was purely due to my meeting up with Theo. 

All I needed to do was say; ‘Liv, I need to talk to you.’ But I couldn't. I didn't know how. Whenever I tried, my throat would dry and my mouth w ould seal up with glue.

“What’s that saying you have?” She asked, then answered her own question. “Be brave and be honest yeah?”

I nodded. That was the push I needed. 

“Liv, I need to talk to you. It’s about Daniel.”

Her nose wrinkled. I pushed out the chair opposite my desk for her.  _ Right, _ I could do this, just think of it as any other business meeting. I would present her with the truth the way I would a building plan, then explain the process, the events as they happened and the reasons behind them.

“There’s some things I never told you about, that you need to know.” I began, clasping my cold hands tightly together on my lap.

She sat quietly as I went back to the beginning; Of how Daniel and I became involved, what happened before, on and after Day Zero. I kept my voice steady by watching a paper bag floating around outside the window. One look at her big watery eyes would have broken me.

By the time I finished she was sitting slumped in her chair, sleeves pulled down over her hands, arms crossed over her chest.

“Liv?” She hadn't said anything for a full ten minutes. “Please say something.” I dared to look up. Her face was blank. Somehow, it was worse than anger, or tears. She looked so delicate and  still like a china doll, which I had just smashed . “Liv, please. Shout at me or something. Anything.”

“I’m not going to shout at you.” A half-smile fluttered in and out of focus. ”You should go, you'll be late.” She wanted to be alone, which meant she was angry. 

We were completely opposite when it came to dealing with anger and upset. Olivia hated being alone when she was hurt, she had to talk it out, like she physically couldn’t hold it in. When she was mad, she would go quiet and disappear, usually into her room surrounded by loud music.

Silently, I gave her shoulder a quick squeeze as I passed. She couldn't be pushed into talking.

_ Please forgive me. _

  
  


Halfway to the beach, my hands started shaking so much I had to pull over. Olivia’s pain, anger and confusion tore through me. I felt her hurt because of Daniel; it brought back my own all over again.  My heart was being shoved into a tiny box,  and the first person I wanted to talk to about it was Theo. And that scared me even more.

I was starting to depend on him, sharing everything that happened throughout the day, even silly things like hearing a new song on the radio - I would text him to see if he liked it. He did the same, telling me about the scene’s they were filming, asking for my opinion on how to say his lines, practising them with me before he went to bed. (Even though they were supposed to be top secret.) An ache ran deep into my chest. Just when I needed him, I was on my way to tell him something that meant I would lose him. 

**“Hey, just finished filming, sorry I’m late, will be at the entrance in 5 mins x Can't wait to see you! Txxx”**

Butterflies swarmed inside my body when his text arrived, his excitement pushing through my anxiety.

**“Don't worry babe I’m late too! Will probably arrive at the same time, no more waiting :) xxx Lara”**

_ What the hell, _ I thought and added in the ‘babe.’ It might be the last chance I got. Besides, what else can you call a guy? Welsh people call everyone love. That felt way way too much. Honey? No, too corny. Gorgeous? Oof, he was... but no. Sweetie? Ha no! I wasn’t my Dad.

I counted to ten with my eyes closed then pulled down the mirror, brushed my hair, tied it into a high bun and put on my favourite red lipstick. My ‘war paint’ as mom would say.

Theo was waiting for me as I pulled into the entrance, I nearly stalled the car trying to park. He was in costume again.  _ Oh come on! _ I was about to break up with my very own Mr Darcy. 

_ Be brave.  _

He might not break up with me.

He might just turn and walk away without saying a word, the way Daniel always did when he didn’t get what he wanted, or things didn't go his way.

As I stepped out, Theo walked towards me, surveying my hair, eyes, lips, down to my feet then back up, a smile slowly growing on his face. No matter how much my head told my mouth to cool it, I ended up grinning.  Full on Cheshire cat style.

“Hi Th--”

He took the words right out of my mouth - literally - kissing me and leaving me breathless in a whole new way. As though we’d been separated for years, his warm hands were around my face, in my hair, on my neck, down my arms. I leaned back onto the side of my car with a sigh as his kiss found my jawline, back to my mouth. Wow wow wow. After the warm day, his skin tasted like sun and salt. His breaths were quick and hot. Bloody hell he knew what he was doing. 

To slow him down, I pressed my hands to his face, drawing a thumb down his soft, full lips.

“Hey,” he murmured against my mouth. “I've been waiting to do that all weekend.”

I stared up at him, willing myself to remember this moment forever. To remember the feel of his hair between my fingers, his hands around my waist, the sparkle in his eyes as we breathed in each other's skin. I drank in every inch of his face. It wasn't enough. I wanted more time.

I needed more time.

“Lara?” Brushing my fringe to the side, his brow creased. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” I lied and hid it swiftly behind a smile.  My heart was being squeezed tighter into an even smaller box . “I just missed you.” At least that part was the truth.

For a second, he pressed his forehead to mine, then took my hand. “Come on, I’ll get changed and we’ll go to the pub, I’m ravenous!”

After that kiss, so was I.

We headed for the caravan’s and he started telling me about his weekend.

Thank goodness for my flat shoes. The road snaked up a steep hill from the beach, following the edge of the growing cliffs towards the holiday park that sat on the headland. As we neared the top, Theo was recounting the meet up with his school friends, some of whom he hadn't seen for a few years. The happiness and relief he had felt from their reaction to seeing him again r adiated from him like, well, a radiator - if you could imagine the heat as bright white waves and explosions . Captivated by his animated gestures, I felt my nerves slipping away as he described their lively evening out, which ended with them all singing karaoke in the village pub. Could he sing? Tiny curls of hair looped behind his ears and at the back of his neck. The collar of his white shirt was unbuttoned, the cotton was almost see-through when the sun caught it…

It hadn’t taken long for his joy to infect me. I cracked up when he impersonated Lucas - his cockney, tone-deaf friend - trying to sing Robbie Williams’ Angels. His day out sounded like the kind of thing my friends would do.  _ Not very ‘Mr Flashy Hollywood’ eh Daniel! _

After passing through a wide rickety gate and tiptoeing over a cattle grid, Theo pointed towards the third caravan in a line of about ten along the right-hand side of the small field. “Well, here we are, home from home.” 

On the other side of the field was a matching line of caravans. The perimeter marked by an old dry stone wall. In the center of the field was a small, simple block building that housed a few extra showers plus a water and fire emergency point. It was basic, but people didn't come here for luxury, they came for the views over the bay - shimmering calm water held in by a horseshoe of golden sand, pale cliffs and emerald fields - and for the peace and quiet.

I stuffed shaking hands into my pockets, suddenly unsure of what happened next. Theo was unlocking the door of his caravan. Should I follow him? It would look odd for me to hang around outside.

“Wow, you weren't exaggerating about it being small,” I said, stepping inside. “It’s lovely though.”

“It does the job, it’s all I need.”

Offering me a seat, he assured me he wouldn't be a minute then disappeared into what I presumed was the bedroom, the door to which was no bigger than a standard wardrobe door. He had to duck to get through. An urge tugged inside my rib cage, pushing me to follow him again. I held my breath and made myself walk past to the other end of the caravan where I sat on the long bench sofa that ran underneath the window. 

It was very small, but it did have everything you needed. Dining table, TV, tiny fitted kitchen. Everything in shades of white, cream and blue so it felt more like a beach hut than a caravan, light and relaxing.

One of the nicest things about this particular spot was that next to it, a few feet from the stone wall,  was a large oak tree. Gnarly branches stretched over the roof so that if you looked up out of the window, you could see right through the leaves into its canopy. A flock of small birds hopped tirelessly through the branches.

“Better than TV isn't it?” Theo’s voice made me jump.

I nodded and spun around, only for my answer to disappear completely from my mind. He stood a few feet away, halfway through putting on a clean t-shirt. Low light came through the windows and turned to liquid as it touched his skin, pouring itself around every curve of his chest and line of muscle, bathing him in a honey glow.

Breathe.  _ Breathe. _ My lower stomach was doing flips again.  It was like that moment when you’re on an aeroplane, lined up ready for take-off when, without warning, the engines come alive and you're thrown back into your seat by pure unrestrained power. 

I dragged my eyes back to the window. “Way better than TV. It's like watching a whole city up there.”

Footsteps came closer, his arms came into view, leaning on the windowsill to look up into the tree with me. T-shirt now properly on.

I watched him from the corner of my eye as he smiled curiously up into the tree, h is eyes jumping left to right, following the movement above.  I loved the way he always seemed so fascinated by the world around him, s o eager to learn, noticing tiny things most people wouldn't give a second thought about. He caught me staring and sat facing me. This was the most private place we had ever been alone together. A fact that sent my heart racing. Gripping tightly onto my knees, I shied away from his eyes as I felt a blush returning.

The longer we were together, the more I felt like I was no longer just hiding something, but that I was outright lying to him. I desperately wanted to talk to him about what happened with Olivia and about my argument with Daniel. But Theo wouldn't understand my loyalty or my connection to him unless I told him about our history, and in turn, Day Zero. All I’d wanted was to just keep one day, one event to myself. Not to end up spiralling into this pit of secrets. 

If I told him the truth, then my fears would come true. He would either treat me differently, be completely freaked out and walk away, or he would be angry that I kept it from him.

Our relationship would be over. 

If I didn’t tell him then I was just digging myself further into that pit by pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I would never be able to talk about anything real and eventually everything would fall apart anyway.

Our relationship would be over.

I had to decide which path I would regret the least. And quickly.

Deep down of course, I‘d always known which one it had to be. If I kept on lying and hiding then I would always be left wondering ‘what if I’d just told the truth.’ The truth hurt. A lot. At least it wouldn’t claw away at my insides the way the guilt of lying would.

He was still staring at me, then we were staring at each other, for too long. It felt closer than when we were kissing. 

“Come on,” he said again as he stood, in a way that gave me the impression it was taking a lot of restraint to pull himself away. “Let’s go get some food.”

On the way down the hill, we passed a few other members of the cast and crew. There were more than a few curious glances my way. I expected Theo to let go of my hand, instead, he held on tighter and greeted everyone with a nod or wave. He wasn’t trying to hide us being together. Admittedly, it felt good. Not like when I was with Daniel, all cloak and dagger, secrets and… shame.

_ Shame?  _ After all, he’d never kept any of his other relationships - with the stream of tall, slim, fashionable goddesses - a secret. 

So why me?

I had to tell Theo soon. __ I didn't have the strength to jump out the pit of secrets in one go, but what if I could dig myself out one truth at a time?

“So have you decided on whether or not you're getting back with the band?” Theo asked as we passed the entrance to the film site again.

I hadn’t thought about it since the night at the Italian. “I’m not sure. I’d like to but it's been so long since I played in front of anyone.”

“Anything I could do to help persuade you?” His sideways smile made my foot stumble and my heart stop.

“Maaaaybe, Any ideas?”

We took the left onto the smaller lane through the woodland.

Draping an arm around my shoulder, he pulled me close. “I could definitely think of a few things but,” his voice deepened, “I’m not that kind of guy Miss Quinn.” He copied my rejection to him from the day we met.

I was starting to regret ever saying that.

His hand found the small of my back and guided me into the warmth of the pub, and then towards one of the small sofas near the fire. I felt at home with the soft crackle of the burning logs, the subtle scent of wood smoke and leather and the gentle weight of Theo’s arm around my shoulder.

It was Ioan again who took our orders then brought our drinks. Theo thanked him in Welsh.

“You’ve been practising,” I commended.

“I have a good teacher.” His ‘string’ smile made an appearance. “She’s very patient. Although there are some subjects that are not as easy.” His fingers brushed the back of my neck.

“Really?” I asked innocently, sinking further and further out of my depth in ways of flirting.

“Hmm, there was one thing, in particular, that I asked her for help to improve on but… whenever I’m around her, I seem to get worse.” 

“Perhaps she likes you just the way you are. No improvements necessary.” I leaned closer, as if to kiss him but pulled away at the last second to take a sip of wine.

He laughed gently, lips parting into a small smile, head tilted to the side. _My laugh._ “You  _ are _ trouble and fire, Miss Quinn.” 

“Did you really tell your family about me?” I asked, finishing the last of my dinner. I hadn't been able to eat since breakfast, I probably could have eaten it all again. 

Theo offered to get me another wine, I refused, I needed a clear head. And to be able to drive home. Unless… No.  _ For goodness sake behave. _

He grimaced. “Yes, I did. Too forward again?”

“No, not forward. Very sweet actually. I just didn't expect you to.”

“Well, I took your advice. To be honest and patient. Although, I'm still working on the patient part.” He sagged under the weight on his shoulders and shook his head. “I thought things were getting better but, they still watch me as if they're expecting me to disappear again any second.”

Reaching out to his shoulder, I moved closer as he took another long breath.

“They don’t trust me, not completely,” he admitted, “I can’t blame them. I know I made mistakes and wrong choices but that’s not who I am now. It wasn't really me all along. l don't know what else I can do to prove myself.”

We had the same problem, only in reverse. His family worried he would go back to old ways, mine worried that I wouldn’t. 

I tried to give an encouraging smile. “There's nothing more you can do Theo. Even after all the things we say about change - That change is good, people  _ can _ change - that doesn't make it any easier to accept when it actually happens.”

“I’ll just keep working on the patience then.”

“Ha, you and me both…” I laughed dryly, turning away to watch the fire.

Time was getting on and I hadn’t told him one truth about myself. I was failing. And falling further into the pit. Panic knotted my throat making my hands shiver, I tucked them under my thighs.

“You can talk to me, you know,” he said quietly, putting down his empty glass to lift up my hand. “About whatever it is that’s bothering you.”

One secret at a time.  _ Be brave. _ I wished I could be more like him, fearlessly able to open up instead of being a shaking mess. 

_ Be honest. _ “I had an argument with Daniel before he left, he was…”  _ Nasty. _ “Anyway, now Olivia’s angry with me. And upset because of him.” 

Gripping Theo’s hand, I looked over my shoulder to see his face. A finger pressed to his lips, expression neutral. He lifted an eyebrow, a nudge for me to keep going. 

“I told her some things about him that happened... some things she needed to know,” I said.

Theo still said nothing, he simply wrapped both his hands around mine and allowed me time to think, to put my thoughts into words.

I looked back at the fire. “I should have told her a long time ago. You know sometimes I worry if people do change at all, or whether they just get better at hiding who they are. I never thought he would be stupid enough to try it on with my best friend though. And now…” I dropped my head, looked at the floor, shuffled my feet. “She's hurt. I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Things were awkward enough, I don't want to make it worse.” 

“No,” he said finally. “I believe you did the right thing.” 

“You think so?”

He smiled. “Yes. If you hadn’t, then it could have been worse. Although, I am a little surprised.” I squinted, confused. He shook his head. “Probably my mistake. I’m just filling in the blanks here but, I didn’t think Olivia was the one he was after.”

Damn, he really did notice everything. My head slumped forward, briefly closing my eyes.  Theo had a natural ability to see past words and understand motives. I envied him. A talent he had been born with no doubt.

“Were you...” He started uncomfortably shifting in his seat, quiet voice, holding on tighter to my hand. “Were you and Daniel together in London? Was that why you left?”

This was my chance; The truth.

Daniel would probably have described our past as ‘hooking up.’ Friends with benefits. Ugh. That wasn’t how I felt - that was not what I did. I always hoped it would become something more. I thought it  _ was _ something more.  Theo’s eyes were down, fixed on our hands. 

“I was 18 when we met,” I began, “I’d never been away from home, then all of a sudden I was alone in London and he, well, he’s Daniel. If there’s anyone here like Mr Wickham then it's him. We were never a real couple, I thought we were but it was always a secret. I found out afterwards that he’d been with other women too.”

The more I thought about it, the more I saw how much I’d been used. He had even convinced me that keeping it secret was to protect me. I was such an idiot. A young, nieve idiot. The reason I had never told Olivia wasn't really anything to do with work, it was because I was ashamed.

“Whatever it was, it's over,” I assured Theo.

His jaw and back relaxed. Only then I realised how tense he’d been. With one finger, I drew around the outline of his hand on mine. 

“That’s good to know.” His smile returned but quickly dissolved. “Not about the way he treated you, or what happened, but I mean, it’s good to know that you, that you’re... Jees, I'm not explaining myself very well am I?”

Tapping the floor with one foot, he pulled a hand free to rub the back of his neck. I don't think I’d seen him look so awkward before, or heard him use any kind of slang or bad language. Not the ‘Jees’ could be called bad. If I hadn't been so worried about what he was thinking, I would have said it was  extremely cute.

“It’s ok Theo. Just say it.” 

“It’s not really my place to say anything.”

I sat up straight, pulling his hands onto my lap. “I am asking you, so yes it is. You understand people.” I rolled my eyes. “I don't.”

“Yes you do.” He lifted my hands to his chest. “You understand me.” 

“Because you tell me things and I believe you. I can't read between the lines like you do.”

“You see things differently Lara, that's all. You see details that I would never notice. You describe things as cornflower instead of plain old blue. You can also pull your emotions out of situations to see the bigger picture. That's how you were able to tell Olivia the truth, even though you knew it could hurt your relationship in the short term.”

It didn't surprise me the way he noticed all those things. What surprised me was that he saw them as being positives.

I shook my head. “What good is knowing details, like being able to tell you how a building was built if I can't tell when people are about to stab me in the back?” How true that was. My back flinched. I closed my eyes to a wave of nausea. “And bigger pictures are useless when you can't see what’s right in front of you. It would be like me buying wallpaper before any bricks to build the actual walls.” Theo was smiling at me. “Sorry, I know, I sound stupid.”

“No. Never.”

“I do. You're just too nice to say it Theo.”

His one hand found my knee. “My name and ‘nice’ are not usually two things I hear in a sentence.”

“Then I’m not the only one who can’t see what's right in front of them. Because you are nice.”

“How nice?” He pulled my knees up onto his lap, turning me to face him. 

“ _ Too _ nice.”

“I can be even nicer if you want me to be.” His chuckle disappeared into my hair.

Butterflies were not always fluttery and fun. They were now pummeling the inside of my chest, my stomach and… further down.

“Stop changing the subject,” I said as firmly as I could through a giggle. “I want to know what you thought. Seriously.”

A smile flitted across his face before he became serious again and sat back. “Hmm.” He thought about it for a moment. “It was the way he looked at you. The way he spoke about you. It’s as if you belong to him, that you're already his. In his mind, it’s not a case of _ if _ , but  _ when _ .”

I knew Daniel could be a control freak, sometimes to the point of being a bully but was that really how he viewed me? As his? How many times had I told him how grateful I was, how much I owed him for everything. _No._ It wasn't Theo’s fault, he didn't understand, he didn't know him like I did. _Daniel wouldn’t do that_. He surely wouldn't use our connection from Day Zero to manipulate me. 

A crease formed in between Theo’s dark eyes as he watched me, almost as if he could see the cogs turning in my head while I made sense of what he’d said. I remembered his questions after meeting Daniel about the colour of my room and him staying over, the look on his face when he saw Daniel’s arm around me.  _ Jealousy? _ Maybe a little, but no, more like insecurity. Probably because of what Yasmin had done to him. 

Picking up his beer glass, Theo tipped it to his lips even though it was practically empty. “I’m sorry, it’s not any of my business.” 

Seeing Theo that way -  anxious, self-conscious - made my heart melt for him. 

I took his hands back. “I am not Daniel’s.” His eyes dropped back to the floor. “I was young. And believe it or not, I wasn't always this shy. Anyway, everything changed. I’ve changed.” Nodding slowly, he met my eyes again, relaxed his face. “I knew Daniel would say something to you though. He’s such a… Such a… Argh, I can't even think of the word!”

“I could think of a few.” 

I laughed, relieved to see his sense of humour returning. Then he wrapped an arm around my shoulder to pull me closer, throwing off any of his doubts and worries like an old coat. 

“Don't worry about Liv,” he said, “She’s hurt. Perhaps a little embarrassed. It's not your fault though, and she’ll understand that once her anger dies down. After all, ‘ _ what are men to rocks and mountains’ _ and friends.”

“Was that a bit of Pride and Prejudice again?”

“Damn it, I’m going to have to find a book you haven't read.”

As I leant into him and felt his chin rest on the top of my head, a happy warmth filled my body; it wasn’t from the fire. I’d told him the truth. Some of it at least.

“Theo?”

“Hmm?”

“I don't mind my life being your business. If you know what I mean... you know, as long as you don't mind.”  _ Waffling. _

His lips found my ear. “I would like very much for you to be my business.”

  
  


With my head resting on Theo’s shoulder, I listened to him repeating his lines ready for the next day. I wanted to stay in that spot for the rest of time. A few minutes went by before I realised he had gone silent, frozen, talking slow deep breaths. Then I understood why. My hand was in his hair, unconsciously winding it around my fingers. 

Dropping it back onto his shoulder, I mumbled, “Sorry.”

“Don't be.”

Intense and hungry eyes took in my face, piercing through my skin. The word ‘brown’ did not do them justice. Brown was the colour of work boots or the envelopes that contain bills. His brown eyes were a whole forest of colour. Black of the earth, the warm bark of the trees, flecked with amber and rust of autumn leaves, fluttering back and forth on a breeze.

I had to remind myself again;  _ I’m here for a reason. _

The main door of the pup opened, David and Becca walked in and went to the bar. Theo was still again, muscles tense as he leant away ever so slightly. I moved my hands back onto my lap.

“Hey, do you want to walk with me? I know how much you love sunsets,” he whispered. 

I nodded and grabbed my coat, I wouldn't be able to talk to him in company anyway. But I couldn't help thinking the sunset wasn't the only reason for his desire to leave. 

_ Don’t get sidetracked. _ “Do you not like Becca?” I pinched my lips together but it was too late. 

The air was cool outside, I shivered and pulled my coat tighter. 

Theo put an arm around me. “It's not so much that I don't like her, but I don't fully trust her,” he said. “She’s friends with Yasmin. The last thing I want is her reporting back on me and starting new rumours. Especially now that they could affect more than just me.”

He must have meant his family. Right? Yasmin wouldn't be bothered about me, would she?

We cut down a narrow pathway through the wooded area and came out onto the beach near the dunes. Reflections from the streetlights and cars of the town on the other side of the bay danced about like fireflies across the rolling surface of the sea. Theo left Yasmin over a year ago, I couldn’t understand why she was still so determined to ruin his reputation.

“Theo, you didn’t actually do anything  _ that _ bad though. Did you?” By the time I finished the question, I’d changed my mind about wanting to know the answer.

Glancing at me, he slowed his pace, thinking, deciding - maybe whether he should tell me, or how much he should tell me. “You really haven't read up on me have you?”

There were obviously no secrets in Hollywood. “You asked me not to, so, no.”

This time he stopped walking to look me firmly in the eye. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me again. I wanted him to, I really wanted him to. Although I was afraid if he did, then I would completely forget what I needed to tell him, so I dropped my eye line.

He lifted my chin. “Thank you.” 

“What for?”

“For trusting me. For giving me a chance.” He drew me into his arms. “For just being you.”

Hell, his smile should be illegal. And his eyes. Maybe his hands too. 

_ Definitely _ his hands. 

I quickly carried on walking, pulling him along with me. 

We walked for a few minutes before he came back to my previous question. “At first it was just drinking, and girls.” He shot me a nervous look. “After I met Yasmin, the girls stopped. I was a lot of things, but never a cheat. Gradually, as her behaviour got wilder, so did her choice of friends The drinking got out of control, escalated to drugs. I got back home from filming away one week to find the wreckage of another yet another party and my house full of Police - Some of the neighbours had called them.” He stopped again to rub a hand down his face. “The house was in my name so I was the one who got carted off to the station for a night. Turned out some of her friends were underage, and some of them were wanted - dealers, assault, - mostly drug-related.”

I started walking again, my feet now sinking in the sand. The shock must have shown on my face.

“I swear Lara, I never got involved in anything like that. But she was, she  _ is _ still terrified that I’ll expose her because she will lose her modelling contracts and a lot, and I mean  _ a lot  _ of money. So she started the rumours, made it out that I was the one pushing her into those kinds of things. And she was the one who leaked my going prison to the press. She’s clever,” he laughed coldly, “She always includes just enough truth to make everything believable.”

I pushed the words ‘modelling’ and ‘clever’ out of my head. “Why haven't you said something?”

“I tried at first. She denied everything of course. I had no proof. I came off looking like a bitter ex-boyfriend. So I learnt to ignore it all, or at least, pretend to ignore it.” With a sigh, he came to a halt. “Anyway, it was my own fault for being so senseless. I have to handle the consequences. As you said, the people who matter know the truth.” He turned his back to the view and fixed his eyes onto mine. “That was why I wanted you to know.”

_ I matter to him.  _ It was still an idea I couldn't get my head around, not all of the time.

We were at the stream that came down from the road out to sea. Only the tide was in, so it was a lot deeper than the last time we were here. I looked down at my shoes. I was going to have to take them off. 

Wearing a dress had not been a great idea.

Theo crouched in front of me, offering a piggyback. “Come on.”

I laughed, “You won't be able to carry me all the way over there.” I was no size 0 model.

He passed me his shoes to hold. “Ye of little faith. Come on. I t's ok, I've got you.”  His eyes squinted as his lips curled into a grin. “ Don’t you trust me?” 

I stepped forward and put my arms around his neck, he lifted me without a trace of any effort, hands gripped firmly under my thighs, onto my bare skin just above my knees. 

Wearing a dress had been an amazing idea. 

My face flushed as my mouth accidentally brushed the back of his ear. Oh, I wanted to kiss it.

Halfway across - where the water came above his ankles - he stumbled, I slid a few inches to the side. I squealed from the shock and wrapped my legs tight around his waist, to which he burst out laughing before bouncing me back up straight. Once I realised I was safe - he had pretended to fall - I threatened to drop his shoes in the water. 

“Don't you dare!” He held my legs tighter and started to run. 

Throwing my head back I whooped. Wind blew the hair from my face, splashes of cold water sprayed my skin.

I felt so free.

  
  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Theo ran until he could no longer catch his breath. He gently set Lara down before collapsing onto the soft cool sand, a hand pressed over his thumping heart. She placed his shoes carefully next to him, shifting her weight from her left foot to her right, back again, fighting with her nerves, before deciding to sit next to him. Theo propped himself up onto his elbows so he could see her face as she watched the sunset. She was still smiling. 

They talked all day, every day, about all manner of things, but she very rarely spoke about her feelings. He envied the way she could logically analyze situations and see details, but opening up made her uneasy, scared even. However, every time she did, another part of her was set free, brought to life. The time it took to earn her trust was worth it.

The only word he could think of to describe her was beautiful. With the amount of reading he did and all the lines he’d learnt, he should have been able to think of another one, something bigger, more unique, rare. But it seemed every word floated straight out of his head every time she smiled at him.

Sometimes her smiles were a glass half empty, restrained and bitten back. Not now. Now they were so full that her laugh overflowed like a bubbling spring. To Theo, it felt like every other smile, every other laugh he had ever known was wrong - no one else could do it properly. 

She tucked a curl of hair behind her ear, her fingers brushing that spot he was still longing to kiss.

_ To hell with it. _

  
  
  
  


###  *** LARA ***

I could tell Theo moved closer even before I felt his lips behind my ear. My eyes closed. My head fell to the side like putty in his hands. How was it that the gentler his touch became, the more intense it felt? 

I knew when I’d seen him - lying on his back, grinning in between gulps of air, stretching out his long legs and pushing the sand so it created two little mounds by his feet - that sitting next to him would put me in danger of getting side-tracked again.

It was worth it.

“Stay right where you are,” he said before reaching into his pocket to retrieve his phone. 

I was in too much of a delirious daze to reply. I thought he was about to answer a call instead, he flicked open the camera, moved back a few feet and pointed it in my direction.

My hands shot over my face. “What are you doing?”

“Stop, no.” He pulled my hands back down. “Look at the sun again.” I frowned. “Please.” He brushed the hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I want a picture of you.” 

With a shaky breath, I turned away.

The phone moved up and down in the corner of my eye. I tried to forget he was there. I couldn't even remember how to breathe. He kissed the back of my neck again. I grinned and looked over my shoulder, right into the lens.

“There!” He said triumphantly, sitting back at my side.

He passed me the phone and I flicked through the pictures - he’d taken about ten. The backlight from the low sun created a glow around my profile, bringing out highlights in my hair and tanning my skin. I went back to the last picture again. He’d caught me just as I turned, my hair flicked up in mid-air as if I was standin g in front of a fan on some shampoo advert, and I was smiling. 

Properly. No mask. 

I stared at it, probably for longer than I should have. He was right, I looked… 

“Beautiful,” he whispered, as I blinked a warning sting from my eyes.

Since Day Zero, I hadn’t kept any pictures of myself. All I saw in them was an echo of the old me, a poor copy, a waxwork figur e - accurate, but missing life.

“It’s not fair.” I nudged him. “You're not on any of them.” 

“You have the whole internet full of pictures of me.”

“Oh, so I have your permission to look now then?”

“You don't need my permission to do anything Lara.” I raised my eyebrows. “Fine, you can look. Actually. No. Perhaps that's not a good idea.” A chuckle shook his chest.

“Something you don't want me to see?”

His eyes followed his own finger as he touched it to my knee, making circles of heat on my skin. “I am happy for you to know and to see  _ everything _ Lara. I just want to be the one who gets to show you, not the internet.”

It was incredibly hard not to watch his lips as he spoke. Damn those lips. The camera snuck into my peripheral vision again, I turned my head to see but before I knew what was happening, he kissed me. All thoughts of anything but him dissolved.

  
  


It was starting to go dark when Theo pulled me to my feet. “Are you busy Wednesday?” 

Wednesday’s were DAYS meetings. Jenny was eager to set up our girls night, as well as the open day slash party event, I couldn't miss it. 

This was my ch ance - another secret,  another step. “I am, sorry. I help out with a local charity and we’re meeting on Wednesday to arrange our next fundraising event.”

_ “‘I am all astonishment.’”  _ Good grief, I wished he would stop quoting Austen. (No I didn’t.) But it did make it very hard to concentrate. “You never cease to surprise me.” He uncurled his arms from around me to put on his shoes. “What’s the charity?”

“It’s called DAYS.” I shook the sand from my back. “It’s more of a support group really. Jenny, she’s the founder, wants to be able to start up more groups around the country.”

He finished tying his shoes and straightened, holding a hand out for mine, which I took without hesitation. His touch still made me a little nervous, but it was a fear that I longed for. I was becoming an adrenaline junkie.

“That’s fantastic!” His wide grin sent sparks through the air. “So what kind of event are you doing?”

This was where it would start to get difficult. We started walking and I explained the overcoming everyday fears concept, and about Stuart’s driving lessons along with some of the other members' activities. He thought it was a clever idea.

“It’s genuine, people will relate to those kinds of fears,” he said. 

Almost back at my car, he lifted my hand, swinging me around to face him again. “You still haven't told me what  _ you're _ doing. What is your great fear Miss Quinn double oh seven?” The air between us buzzed with electricity, humming past my ears.

“Oh,” I squirmed, “It’s sort of embarrassing.” 

Strong hands anchored around my waist. “I won't tell anyone.”

He chuckled but my fingers trembled again. After his reaction to finding out about Daniel, how would he feel about me going on dates? Even if they were fake.

“Ok, sooo,” I stuttered, screwing up my eyes. “I sort of agreed to go on a few first dates. Sponsored, and all just with, you know, friends. Four so far. Though, one of them is a girls night so that doesn’t count.” 

“I get it, first dates are terrifying.”

“You're just saying that.” I shook my head, unable to believe he would find them remotely scary.

“Hey trust me, I’m not. I was so nervous about taking you to dinner.”

“Whatever.”

“Seriously Lara!” He laughed, “I wanted to impress you. In case you hadn't noticed, I have been trying to impress you ever since we met.” He smiled, blinked then looked down. “I worry someone will say something, the way Philip did, and you’ll try to run away again.” 

The glow of his confidence faltered, its power interrupted by another ripple of insecurity.

I pressed my palm to his cheek. “You don't have to  _ try,  _ to impress me Theo.”

“So I don't have to worry about any of these dates whisking you away then?” 

A dark sparkle returned to his eyes as they flicked up to mine; in the literal blink of an eye, he managed to switch from adorably innocent to sexy. I grinned and pulled his face to mine. 

My final secret could wait for another day.

  
  


###  _ The Start of Something Good - Daughtry _

  
  


Olivia was waiting for me when I got home. Lying across the sofa, wrapped in one of our knitted blankets. I made us both a hot chocolate and went to sit next to her, tucking my feet under the blanket.

“So how’d it go?” She asked hesitantly. “Did you tell him?”

I held my mug under my chin, letting the cocoa scented steam fill my nose and warm my face. “Not everything. I wanted to. I told him about Daniel and about DAYS and the dates but... I couldn’t do it, not all at once.” She sat up and I rested my head on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry Liv. For keeping things from you, for being so snappy and angry and distant and selfish, for not being the friend I used to be. For everything. I’m so sorry.”

“That’s enough, it’s ok--”

“No, it's not. And you can't keep excusing me every time I mess up because of what happened. I know you do, you all do.” I took a deep breath and a sip of chocolate. 

Olivia did the same. “You didn't do anything wrong. I don't like, expect you to tell me every single thing that ever happens to you. You warned me about Daniel. I didn’t listen. It was only ever a few texts, a call occasionally. He’s the one who lied and hid things. He told me you were only ever friends, that you were just close because of what happened.” We both took another sip. “His behaviour makes sense now though. He was like, all over you.”

I rubbed my eyes. “That’s kinda what Theo thought too.”

“I got the feeling he didn’t like Daniel,” she said, then gave me a coy sidewards glance. “Hun, have you considered that Theo  _ really _ likes you, properly likes you, not just for fun?”

“I’ve been trying not to think about it. Daniel was right. I'm not strong enough, I can't even tell that reporter about me because I’m too scared of what people think.”

Pulling back, her eyes widened like huge blue globes. “I’m sorry but that's complete crap! Telling a reporter your life story or not has nothing to do with you being strong.”

With a smile, I nodded. We drank the rest of the chocolate and put on another episode of  _ Friends _ .

A buzz in my pocket then made us both jump. “Speak of the Devil.”

Olivia punched one hand into her other palm. “Tell him to get lost.”

“Ha! Yeah, If only he wasn't our boss…”

**“Quinn, good news, we got the new client. I'll be coming down soon for us to go over the contracts and plans. D”**

_ Oh yippee. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, shes starting to find some confidence and maybe even see things differently...
> 
> Baby steps :)


	26. Chapter 26

#  Day 358 - Wednesday

It felt good to be out of the office now that my wrist was fully back to normal. Not even a text from Daniel confirming his visit on Friday would get me down. I spent the morning visiting two of our local projects. I’d even managed to get my hands on some paint.

Theo rang at lunchtime and had me in stitches for almost an hour; he’d accidentally fallen into the sea while filming. Then he sent me the photos from the beach. First, the ones of me looking into the sun, then the one of me smiling into the lens. I immediately set it as my Instagram profile picture. Maybe it was knowing who was behind the camera that made me love it so much. 

Then came another few pictures which I didn't know he’d taken. My heart bounced around my ribs as I went through them. One was of us looking at each other. Another was of me laughing when he kissed my neck. I touched a finger to the screen; I could feel the pressure, the soft warmth, the tickle of his hair on my skin. 

A text popped up:

**“Last but not least. This one’s my favourite... T xxx”**

And there it was, on my screen, me kissing Theo. Not like, full-on, but that first second when our lips touched, his hand - the one that wasn't holding the phone - around the side of my face. He was smiling. The internet could keep all its photos. (Yes, even the shirtless ones.)  This was my Theo, not the aloof, acting, pretending Theo, but the Theo that was kind and gentle, who looked at the floor or hid his hands inside his pockets when he was shy.

After a few minutes of me not replying - I was still staring at the picture - he text again:

**“I really like you Lara. Really. A lot. T xxx”**

Then again while I was writing my reply:

**“I mean A LOT. In fact, a ridiculous amount. T xxx”**

A second later:

**“Immensely. Exceedingly. Tremendously. T xxx”**

I started laughing to myself, by myself, sitting in the coffee shop opposite my office, cracking up like a madwoman.

**“Mr Taylor,** **in vain, I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must stop texting me so quickly and allow me to tell you... I like you too. A LOT. xxx L”**

**“Why am I only just finding out that you can quote Austen off the cuff like that? Oh babe, you have no idea how much more I like you now. T xxx”**

**“Surprise :-p Austen, Dickens, T.Swift - you know, all the greats. I just remembered seeing you in costume and it reminded me… xxx L”**

**“You cannot be this perfect, there has to be a catch. Do you snore? Are you secretly a werewolf? No wait, that would be hot. (The werewolf thing, not snoring. Not that I mind if you snore...) Hey, if I steal the suit for our next date, would you talk more Austen to me? ;-) T xxx”**

If I laughed any louder I was going to get thrown out of the coffee shop. 

Unfortunately, there was a catch. He just didn't know about it yet.

  
  


Andrew had started his routine of going around the circle of members, asking each one about their week when I rushed in. There were quite a few chuckles and grins as I attempted to quietly tiptoe to a seat across the squeaky wood floor while wearing clumpy steel toe cap boots and a high vis jacket that rustled like a crisp packet. I may as well have announced my late arrival on a loudspeaker w ith a trumpet fanfare accompanied by a marching band.

Andrew was trying not to laugh. “Lara, good to see you, how was your week?”

Still shaking plaster dust out of my hair, I smiled back. “Good thanks!” Expecting that to be it, he turned to go onto the next person but I surprised him by carrying on. “Really good actually, my dates are going well. Your brother is very sweet by the way. Oh and I’m singing on Saturday with my friends in my old band. I’m super nervous but I’m looking forward to it.”

Someone was going crazy with the remote that controlled Andrew’s face; his expression flicked back and forth between pride and happiness and shock.

Finally, he settled on happiness. “That’s wonderful, I’m so pleased. Jason said it was lovely to meet you.” His grin widened even further. “And I'm glad to hear you feeling so positive, you're doing a fantastic job, as is everyone with their sponsored events!” 

He continued giving an update on the fundraising progress and then the room erupted into a discussion of ideas for the party. At the end, I headed straight for Jenny. A warm smell of baking met me as I held her in a hug.

“Hello my love!” She beamed. “Look at that smile, someone’s had a good day.” I grinned and poured us both a tea. “I’m so happy to hear you’re getting back with your band. Here's an idea, why don't we combine the girls night out with your concert? I’d love to hear you.”

My stomach fluttered, I leant my weight back onto the table. Theo was going to be there. And my friends. The line between keeping DAYS and that side of my life separate was becoming even more blurred, erased and smudged.

“Um…” I stumbled. “Theo will be there and well… he doesn't know everything yet.”

“Don’t worry sweetheart we can leave it till another time.”

“Oh, what the hell!” I said, riding my wave of excitement. “Let's do it.” Theo’s texts and those pictures had more of a reckless high effect on me than whiskey did.

It was hard to imagine Jenny in the crowd of the pub. Merely the fact that she called it a ‘concert’ made me worry if she knew what she was letting herself in for.

With a gentle arm around me, she squeezed my ribs. “Fantastic! I can't wait to see this guy of yours.” I laughed. Was Theo really  _ my guy? _ She winked, then added, “Speaking of guys, I spoke to the caretaker and booked this hall for two weeks on Saturday, ready for  our get together.”

I made a note of it on my phone as we said goodnight. Then went to see how Stuart and his driving lessons were going.

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Olivia ambled to the front door wondering why Lara wasn’t using her own keys, only to be brought to a standstill by the silhouette of a man outside the porch. A tall, dark-haired man. She quickly ran fingers through her hair and straightened her jumper.

“Hey Liv.” Theo smiled, a little awkwardly. “I know you're not expecting me but I tried calling Lara. Is she home yet?”

“Not yet, she's probably driving.” Olivia relaxed and checked her watch. “She won't be long though, come in, you wanna drink?”

Theo followed her inside, eyes flicking over the pictures of Lara and her friends and family on the wall. There were no recent pictures he noticed, but her smiles back then were the same as the ones in the pictures he took on the beach.  It was unfathomable to him how a facial expression could make you feel like there was a river of fire flowing through your hands, a bolt of lightning trapped in your stomach and a clashing cymbal in your heart - beating and thundering and vibrating - but it did.

He took a seat at the kitchen while Olivia filled the kettle and chatted away about her day. She reminded him of his sister. Full of energy, with a voice that sounded like she was laughing even when she wasn’t. A flush of heat swept across his palms, up his arms and over his chest. If any guy ever tried to mess with his sister…

“I’m sorry about what happened with Daniel.” He paused. She might have been annoyed by Lara telling him. Fortunately, she was still smiling and didn't seem surprised. “None of it was your fault,” he added. The more he found out about Daniel, the less he liked him.  “Believe me, I know. I used to… I used to  _ be _ a Daniel.” That was why he didn’t trust him. 

Olivia smirked and handed Theo his drink. “Thanks hun. God, he’s a real jerk.” She took a seat opposite. “It’s gonna like be so weird when he comes back Friday.”

“He’s coming back that soon?”

Arrogant man.

Olivia pinched her lips together. “It’s only a flying visit, just to drop off some contracts or something.” She quickly shrugged it off. “Anyway, as Lara’s best friend I have to ask. You’re like, genuinely not that kinda guy anymore, are you?”

Theo looked up from his cup. Her hesitant but serious eyes flickered over his face. 

“No,” he replied honestly as he could. “At least, I spend every day trying not to be.”

Satisfied, she nodded. “Good. Because to quote the legendary Liam Neeson in  _ Taken _ ,  _ ‘I have a very particular set of skills’ _ and if you hurt her ‘ _ I will find you and I will kill you. _ ’”

“I don't doubt that for a second.” Theo grinned, pressing his hands onto the cool stone of the countertop. “The last thing I want to do is hurt Lara.” He hoped that she would see how much he meant it - it was the truth. “She’s been through enough already.”

Clamping his jaw, he looked back down into his cup, pocketing his hands. He’d been purely thinking of how they met, her wrist injury and then what happened with Phillip, but the reaction from Olivia - an unconscious straightening of her back and a flash of fear behind her eye s,  made him think of something else - The  _ other _ Lara Quinn from the news. 

Another piece slotted into the puzzle.

  
  


###  *** LARA ***

My heart bolted through my throat like a pinball being flung around a machine when I saw the black car on my drive. What on earth was Theo doing at my house?  _ He’s here to end it.  _ I rummaged through my bags to find some makeup, all that turned up was an old sticky lip gloss, I put some on anyway and pulled my hair up. There was no way I could sneak in and change without them hearing me, I was just going to have to go in wearing my work clothes, mud, paint and all. I blew out a puff of air. This was me and this was how I looked fifty per cent of the time. If Theo didn’t like it then tough.

His voice floated toward me as I stepped in, then his smile as I opened the living room door. My legs went heavy. Would I ever get over the surge of excitement and pure energy every time I saw him?  _ I hope not.  _ If anything, he got better looking.

“Hey babe.” Long strides brought him to my side. “I thought I’d surprise you for a change.”

I slipped off my coat, put down my bag of paintbrushes and hard hat. My hands started fidgeting with my hair. It felt like dry dusty straw. “You sure have, this is definitely a surprise.”   
Taking a quick step forward, he kissed my cheek with a grin, a grin that soon spread onto my own face as I relaxed. Olivia began making me a drink, then suspiciously had a phone call to take so headed upstairs. (I hadn’t heard her phone ring.) I carried on where she left off and poured myself a tea, watching Theo as he leant back to rest on the kitchen counter, thumbs tucked in his pockets. He looked serious, thoughtful, anxious even. Oh no no no, he really was here to end it.

The cup slipped in my clammy hands. “Everything ok?” I asked. Forcing the words out was like  pushing a boulder uphill, making me sound  out of breath.

“Perfect.” An easy smile made its way back to his face. “I just wanted to ask you something and found myself driving here.”

“Oh!” I breathed a sigh of relief, bit back my grin and sat on one of the bar stools, gripping tightly to the cool metal legs.

With  _ my laugh  _ \- little chuckle, smile, head tilt - he came closer. “Why?” Standing so close in front of me that my knees were pressed against his waist, he picked up my paint-splattered hands. “What did you think I was here for?” 

There was too much space between us, there was always too much space. I resisted the desire to wrap my legs around him and grab his arms. He had such good arms; Lean, not too big. Arms that could hold me carefully, pick me up easily, arms that could be strong, maybe even carry me upstairs… 

“I’m not sure,” I answered. 

If only could make his black t-shirt evaporate with my eyes.  _ Calm it down Lara! _

“I wanted to ask what you were doing next weekend?” He said. “ My parents are having an anniversary do.” Turning to look out the window, he hesitated and swallowed hard, Adam's apple bobbing up and down. I could almost hear him telling himself to  _ ‘be brave.’ _

I’d always viewed him like a beam of unstoppable confident white light. For a split second though, a glass prism dropped into that light and I saw him in a whole new way. The light divided into a hundred rainbow shards - insecurity, love, kindness, passion, strength - all facets of his personality. The open honesty he showed didn’t come from being fearless, it came from courage. Courage and determination to redeem himself and show the world,  _ to show me, _ who he really was. There were so many things I didn't know - What was his favourite colour? Was he a clean freak? Did he like  _ Friends _ ? - but they didn't matter, they were details, the accessories that get added to a house over time. In that second, I saw  _ him.  _ Plans, framework, building blocks - his heart, motives, truth.

He turned back to me and with a deep breath the prism disappeared, all the colours joining once again to form back into his warm constant glow. 

“I was wondering if you would like to come?” He said. “With me. For the weekend. I can drive.” 

By the time he finished the question my head was nodding and my cheeks were already burning from being stretched into an impossibly wide grin. I didn't even have to tell myself to be brave or not to overthink. 

It wasn't until after I said yes that the panic set in.

The fact he was planning things for us, ok, even though it was only just over a week away, shocked me. Plus he wanted me to meet his family. Surely that meant that this wasn't just a bit of fun for him? Olivia was right; he liked me. Properly. Oh, my parents didn't even know he existed yet!

Then there was the whole, you know... staying over.  _ Breathe. _ My plan to keep my distance had well and truly gone out of the window. 

Was I ready for that step? I didn’t know. 

Was I ready for that step with Theo? I wanted to be.

Was he ready for… for a ‘ _ nasty shock.’ _ Bloody hell, Daniel’s voice wouldn't get out of my head.

“But Theo, will your parents mind? I mean, they don't know me, what do we…” 

My lungs exploded every time I said the word ‘we.’ Then again when he started kissing behind my ear. I think he had a thing for my ears, or more accurately, the part of my neck behind my ears along my hairline.

Not that I minded.

“What do they think I am?” I stammered out.

_ What do they think I am? _ My brain had turned to mush. Theo’s soft chuckling breaths warmed my skin. A low delicious sound that made me think of hot chocolat e, then of a lion purring . I'd never heard a lion purr. But I’d bet it sounded just like that.

“Miss Quinn, is that your way of asking my intentions? Or where this is going?”

I looked right into his eyes as the tip of his nose rested on mine. “Yes, I think it is.” 

I remembered the question I’d once asked Daniel; ‘What is  _ this _ ?’ He hadn’t given me an answer. 

Theo looked at me, eyes reaching out, reading me, trying to uncover my answer before he’d even asked a question. His hands found my hair causing my restraint to dissolve and my legs to hook themselves around his waist. 

“Well, Miss Quinn, I would like very much to introduce you as my girlfriend.” I blinked. “Too soon? If I'm being forward, you have to tell me.” Dark eyelashes pulled me clos er, I was a fish caught on their lines.

I rested a hand on his shoulder, the other on his chest. “No. No, I just... I don't know how we...”

Every voice inside in mind, every voice on the planet yelled at me to say yes. But it hit me again that he was  _ Theodore Taylor. _ People with cameras followed him around. I couldn't let him take another step when he didn't know the truth I was hiding and risk him finding out from someone else. 

_ Be brave. Be honest.  _ “There's things you don't know about me Theo.”

“I know, we have a lot to talk about, but it's ok.” He kissed me again. “ For now, I've got you. Trust me.”

I did. I truly did.

After a few minutes, he stopped to take a breath. The dust off my trousers was all over him.

“On a side note.” He carefully wiped a spot of dried paint from my nose. “Is it weird that I find you incredibly gorgeous in a hard hat and covered in dirt and paint?

“Yes!” I laughed while planting kisses over his cheeks. “You are such a weirdo.”

“If I wear the Darcy suit for our next date… Could you bring your paint?”

“I have a tool belt as well?”

“Damn Lara...”

  
  


###  _ Delicate - Taylor Swift _


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for another gig!
> 
> And some fun in a van ;-)

#  Day 361 - Saturday

By late morning, my living room looked more like a musical instrument shop than a home. All the band came over for breakfast and to spend the afternoon rehearsing. I could play my solo song with my eyes closed. That was until you put a few people in front of me - and the thought of Theo watching - then it felt like I’d never even seen a piano before, let alone played one.

We went through it a third time. I missed a note on the second verse and slammed my hands down on the keys. “I CAN’T do this!” 

The room went deathly quiet, air solidifying, thick and heavy in my chest. Alex started biting his nails, Caleb started flipping through the music book. Sarah, Greg and Olivia shot me quick glances from the kitchen. 

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, getting up for some cold water. I drank a glassful then held my hands under the flow of the tap.

Gregg came to my side. “Don't worry about tonight yeah? If you don't feel like it then we can skip the solo, just stick to the backing yeah? I hear Theo invited you to meet his family? That’s pretty big right? Wink wink.” He scrunched up one side of his face into a teasing smile and overdramatic wink.

I rolled my eyes, told him jokingly to shut up then laughed. “Yeah. Big.” 

“You’ll be fine. You've always been the tough one.”

“Pfft, whatever.”

“Remember that boy in primary school who you punched ‘cause he was constantly picking on Liv and stealing her stuff?” 

I ran a hand down my face. “Not something I’m proud of, thanks for reminding me.” Maybe my temper wasn't such a new trait after all.

“You say you can’t do stuff but when it comes to it, you never back down or run. You can do this yeah?” Another wink. “Oh and if you hadn't guessed, I’m not just talking about the band.” Flicking cold water my way, he then ducked before I could retaliate.

Occasionally, I noticed how Greg got better looking as he got older. He wasn't the ‘stop you in your tracks’ kind of guy, but he had a nice face that made you feel comfortable, it was friendly and kind. He had the personality to match.

I fist-bumped his shoulder. “Thanks Dr Love.”

“Anytime my young Padawan. Just promise me something?”

“What?”

“That I get to watch when you tell your Dad.”

_ Oh hell.  _ My dad was not, how could I put it, the easiest of people to get along with. He was beyond over-protective. It made him intimidating. I was his only child, a daughter. To make things worse - a daughter who nearly died. 

After Greg and Olivia’s father left when they were young, my Dad took them under his wing. He loved them like his own. Even so, Greg was still a little scared of him. Especially as when we were sixteen Dad got it into his head that Greg and I were secretly going out together. (We weren't - Greg was actually dropping me off to meet my real boyfriend, but that's another story.) For months Dad would interrogate him whenever they met; where he was going, what he was up to etc, all the time looking at him with his eyes squinted into a ‘I-don't-trust-you-and-I’m-watching-you’ sort of face. Poor Greg, he had to put up with it right up until I moved to London and he met Sarah.

I poured us both another drink. “I was thinking I’d tell Mom then let her handle it.”

  
  


Hours trickled by and the gig got closer and closer. The bones in my legs t urned into spaghetti, all bend y and weak. I tried to keep busy - focusing on the rehearsals, tidying up, making coffee - but I kept finding myself standing in random places, not knowing how I got there, staring into space, my mind a jumbled blur. I used to thrive off these nerves, look forward to them even.  _ Crazy. _

Adrenaline made my hands shake as we packed up Caleb’s van. Trembling fingers, slippery with sweat, were never a good thing for a piano player. I called out to Olivia from the front door that it was time to go and swung my leather jacket on before getting in her car. 

When we pulled up outside the pub, I saw Jenny and three of the girls from DAYS - Bethany, Emma and Ffion - going in through the gate to the courtyard. I swallowed the lump in my throat and forced on a smile.

“Larlar?” Olivia stopped the engine, her wide eyes wrapped in black shimmering ovals of eyeliner. “You sure you're ok hun? You like, haven't said a word the whole way here?”

“Yeah, of course, I’m fine.” 

She nodded and chewed the inside of her cheek. Thinking about my nerves made them worse so I quickly got out and went to help unload the van. Alex passed me the two guitars while he followed with a large speaker. We ducked under the gated arch and stepped through fallen cherry blossoms. Rivers of sugary pink confetti brushed across the deep purple slate of the courtyard. An occasional petal danced through the air on a light breeze, glittering through rays of golden evening light. It made the place look like a subtle impressionist painting. Any other time, I probably would have paused to take a photo but I was afraid that if I stopped, I would be swallowed up completely by the growing fear that was already numbing my fingers.

I caught Jenny’s eye and waved as she and the girls came towards the stage. It was while I was introducing them to the band that I saw Theo walk in. He was wearing a cap again, pulled down so it cast a shadow over his face. I watched for a few seconds as he floated through the growing crowd. How did a guy like that want to be my boyfriend?  _ Why _ did a guy like that want to be my boyfriend? My entire life had been running on batteries. Whenever I got close to Theo, or even just heard his voice it was like being plugged into the mains  \- lights became brighter, sounds became louder and clearer - my world kicked into full power. 

As he got closer to the stage, he looked up, smiling as soon as he saw me. In my mind I saw myself run to meet him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing in front of the cheering crowd, like couples did in the movies at the moment they realise they’re falling in love.  _ Woah, hold on.  _ Was I falling for him? My fingers turned to ice. My heart rate jumped and stuttered.

“Hey beautiful.” He enclosed me in his arms, every inch of him smiling now.

“Hi…” I think I managed to smile back before having to swallow the acid building in my throat. 

With a hand gripping my waist, Theo greeted the rest of the group. He could probably feel the sweat through my thin blouse as my weight sagged into the support of his arm. There were about forty minutes until we started. I needed to get some air. Which was silly because I was already outdoors.

Not daring to up, I quietly excused myself to help Greg and swiftly headed for the gate, toward the van. I just about made it there and ducked behind before the panic attack took its full grip. S hadowy tentacles tightened around m y body, blurring my eyes with dizzying speed causing me to gag and choke. 

“God Lara, you alright?” Alex caught my arms as I slumped against the side of the van with another wave of nausea. He slid open the back door and gently lowered me down to sit on the floor of the back section.

I gasped for breath. “No… I… I can’t…” The more I tried not to cry, the more I cried, a bitter taste of salty tears filling my mouth.

Alex sat and pulled my head onto his shoulder. I concentrated on breathing,  _ in one-two, out one-two... _

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Theo caught sight of Lara talking to a group of people by the stage and fel t the heat from the earth climbing up from his toes into his chest as he walked closer. She was dressed all in black - heeled boots, slim jeans, a strappy silk top that floated like liquid over her creamy skin - with her hair pulled up, tiny wisps of curls around her ears had broken free. He greeted her using the only word that was ever left in his mind; Beautiful. It still felt like such a common word, not big or worthy enough of describing her.

She was nervous. Her smile was fleeting and small, mind elsewhere. He hoped it was only because of the upcoming performance, rather than his recent springing on the questions to be his girlfriend and to meet his family all at once.

Being Theo's girlfriend wasn't a simple thing. There was a whole list of questions and complications that tagged along like an unwanted third wheel.  _ When _ would they see each other,  _ where _ would they see each other if he was filming away and then of course,  _ how _ to handle the relationship becoming public. Over the last few days, he had tried to explain as much as possible to Lara without overwhelming her. He hated having to talk about such serious things right at the beginning of their relationship. 

A shiver ran up his spine.

Had she changed her mind? Would she really want to deal with any of those challenges for him? 

He gripped her waist, desperate to feel connected, to hold on to her for as long as possible.

Trembling, she leaned heavily into his side before unexpectedly straightening and excusing herself. He was just about to follow when one of the women in the group approached him.

“Hello, I’m Jenny, you must be Theo.” She gave him a wide smile, adjusted her long elegant coat then shook his hand. She looked dressed more for a night at the opera than a local gig.

Theo pushed his worry aside; Lara was just nervous about performing, she probably wanted some space and a quiet minute. “Yes, pleasure to meet you Jenny.” 

Jenny didn't let go of his hand. “Pleasure is all mine love, Lara wasn't exaggerating about you -  _ very _ handsome indeed!” Her energy jumped back and forth , sparking and buzzing lik e electricity, lighting up her bright eyes.

“Hmm, she said that did she?” Theo flashed a crooked smile, sending Jenny’s cheeks the same colour as the blossom that covered the floor. “Well, I’ve heard all about you too. Lara tells me you're hoping to set up more locations for your meetings?” 

They followed the small group of others, led by Olivia, over to an empty table tucked in at the side of the stage.

“Yes, exactly that.” Jenny's face set into a determined focus. “I want to train more leaders and hopefully spread the groups across the country.” 

Pulling out a chair, Theo offered it to her. “Are the groups for a specific purpose?”

“They're mainly for people who have been victims of, or who have witnessed violent crime. Although I would never want to turn anyone away...” She carried on talking about how the group started but the voice became distant to Theo, m uted, underwater.

DAYS was a support group for victims of crime. Violent crime. A group which Lara had been helping for almost a year. It was almost a year since the  _ other _ Lara Quinn had been attacked.

The final piece to Lara's puzzle clicked into place and the image became clear.

Theo knew he was right. In his heart, he had known ever since hearing Chloe mention it. So many things started to make sense; Lara’s fears, her guarded and carefully chosen words, her anger… 

No no no, that couldn't have happened to  _ his _ Lara.

His body drowned in a million emotions imaging what she had been through.

Jenny was looking at him with a waiting expression - he’d missed her last question. “I’m so sorry Jenny, I’ll be right back, have you seen Lara?” 

The band were due to start any minute but she wasn't anywhere to be seen, Olivia had disappeared too. He had to find her. He should never have put so much pressure on her..

“I think she went back outside love?” By the time Jenny’s hand pointed towards the gate, Theo was already running.

Olivia was standing by the side of a van across the street.

“Liv!” He called out, “Have you seen Lara?”

The street was quiet now everyone was inside waiting for the music to start, quiet enough that Theo heard a soft cry and Lara’s muffled voice coming from inside the van. “Don't let him see me like this.”

  
  


###  _ *** LARA *** _

Theo’s silhouette was visible through the gap in the hinges of the van's door. He stopped abruptly a few feet away, body as still and silent as a statue, except for his chest, which rose and fell with each deep breath pulled in through an open mouth. Did he hear me? 

Olivia tried to stall him, badly, by telling him we had a problem with some equipment. There was no way he wouldn't see through her terrible acting. He looked hurt, stunned. All I wanted to do was kiss him until he smiled again and tell him it wasn't his fault.  _ Be brave.  _ I dried my cheeks and checked my face in the reflection of my phone screen before whispering my thanks to Alex.

“It's ok Liv,” I said, my voice weaker than I wanted it to be. I saw the back of her head nod toward Theo, who immediately came to the door.

“Hey…” His body swayed forward, wanting to step closer, not sure if he should.  It scared me how much I could affect him. That I somehow, for some inexplicable reason had the power to break him, to crack through his outer defences. 

Scared and amazed.

“Sorry I disappeared,” I muttered into the floor. “Alex, you better go and get ready.” I turned to smile at him. “Tell Greg I’ll try and join in later.”

Alex got up, squeezed my shoulder, gave Theo a nod and walked back across the street, taking Olivia with him.

“What happened?” Theo whispered, hands hovering awkwardly as though getting ready to catch me.

He didn't bother to ask if I was ok, it was pretty obvious I wasn't. I was too afraid to look at him. If I did, he would  see through me to the mountain on my shoulders , the weight of my past and my secrets pushing me down into the earth. He would see how the pain of losing him was already ripping me apart. Because I knew that’s what would happen when he found out, it was as good as done. I needed to let him go. But my fingers were refusing to release the tiny threads of hope.

All I could say was, “I panicked. I’ll be alright.”  _ But when? _ “Sometimes, I have these meltdowns, and it’s… It’s exhausting.”

Taking each step carefully, he came to sit next to me. “I didn't mean to put any pressure on you Lara.” His voice was low, soft, velvet.

“You didn’t. It’s a lot to handle and it’s just been a long time.” I glanced his way. A line of light cut through the shadows down the middle of his face as he nodded - just once, a slow dip of his chin - highlighting one feature at a time, a deep black eye flashed golden caramel, a sharp cheekbone, full rounded lips. 

“It’s ok. I understand,” he said, eyes dropping. “My life is all over the place. It comes with baggage, which I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with. I wish I could be a guy from town who bumped into you, who can take you out for a drink without wearing this ridiculous hat, who could ask you out and everything would be simple, but I’m not and I can’t.” All of that came out in one breath, once he’d let the first word go, he couldn't hold onto the rest. “Asking you to be my girlfriend, and expecting you to accept everything that comes with that so soon was selfish of me. I know this isn't the kind of life you would ever choose to be involved with.”

“Wait, what?” Did he think I was trying to break up with him? “No, Theo, you've got it all wrong. I mean yeah, it has been a long time since… nevermind. I was talking about being back with the band.” 

It took a few seconds for him to understand. His eyebrows raised, then frowned, mouth opening to speak, shut again until finally, a smile crept in. I’d never met anyone before who could show so many expressions in such a short space of time. I loved watching them.

“So,” he wondered, taking my hand. “You  _ do _ still want to go out with me?”

“Hell yes!” I started grinning. He seriously thought _I_ didn’t want _him?_ “Arw Theo, right now, that's the only thing I’m sure of.” I wound my fingers between his. “But I have to be honest.” A smile fluttered around the corners of his mouth even though he looked worried again. “I am scared. Actually, I’m terrified.” I exhaled and shook my head. “But it's not because of you. It’s everything else. Everyday.”

I expected him to give me some sort of ‘what the hell are you on about’ look, but he didn't. Rather he nodded again, listening, waiting for me to carry on. A surge of gratitude pushed up through my chest, lifting the weight on my shoulders. 

I laughed at myself. “I’m tired of being scared though. You know, I never used to be. I would’ve been up on that stage, buzzing from the atmosphere. But I can't do it anymore. I've changed and I don't know how to go back. It’s like, it’s like I don't know how to be  _ me  _ anymore.”

Floodgates smashed open, allowing me to breathe and a year's worth of cooped up words to flow. Surprise made me laugh again; talking to Theo was like taking a cool refreshing shower at the end of a hot, long day.  _ I can do this.  _ I could tell him about me. Not because I had too. Because I  _ wanted _ to.

I swept a hand over the carpet tiles. Flip, the van really needed a hoover.  _ Focus. _ No more fear. “Theo, I get what you're saying, that being your girlfriend comes with complications.” I turned to face him grasping both his hands - warm, rough, perfectly imperfect hands - between mine. “But, if it means I get to be with you, then I’m willing to carry a whole load of baggage because trust me, I already have my own shipping container full, so what’s a bit more?”

That gorgeous string smile of his appeared, evaporating any clouds or darkness from around us. Determined not to get distracted, I lifted my hand to his chest to stop him from leaning closer.

“There’s something else,” I said, “I should have told you sooner. I’ve tried, but I’m a coward and I don't want to lose you.”

He argued, “You are no coward.” Warm fingers lifted my chin, my eyes to his. “And I’m not going anywhere Lara. Please believe me.”

I failed miserably to stop him when he leaned in to kiss me again. Soft. Light. Until my hand found the back of his neck. That was when he gripped my ribs and in one move, lifted me up to straddle his lap. I pulled myself into his body so not even a breath of air was left between us. It still wasn’t close enough. I wanted to sink into his skin, become a part of him. His hands slipped under my top, skimming up my back - he didn't flinch away in disgust - as he carried on kissing down my jaw, onto my throat. I gasped when he reached my collar bone. M y heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird,  so fast it became one continuous indistinguishable blur of movement.

Music filled the air as the band started playing. My band. My friends. I should have been with them. I should also have told Theo about Day Zero. Again.

I pulled back from him, the taste of sun-kissed skin clinging to my lips. “I should go and support the guys, I made a promise.”

His fingers were drawing circles on my shoulder blades. “You don't have to do it for me.”

“I know.” I stood. “But, I think I want to now. That's the effect you have on me Mr Taylor. I feel like I could do anything.”

He raised one eyebrow. “Anything?”

“Ha! Lesson number one in learning how to behave Theo.” I waved a pointed finger. “Stay away from the back of dodgy vans.”

“Hmm, noted. Then, let me give you lesson number one in learning how  _ not _ to behave. Get back in the van Lara.” He tilted his head, beckoning me to come closer, at the same time leaning back onto his elbows. Oh my word. His luring smile filled my veins with static and his body - all muscle and curves lying in front of me - almost made me change my mind. I saw myself pulling off his shirt, smoothing my hands over the skin of his chest, his abs... 

The guys wouldn’t miss me that much, would they? 

He was watching me. The heat in his eyes told me that he knew exactly what I was thinking. I bit my lip to close my mouth, hooked my fingers through his belt and pulled him up.

“Come on you.” I coxed, taking his hand and leading him away. 

We walked back into the courtyard and went to join Olivia, Jenny and the DAYS girls. Greg waved me over to the stage and I gave him a thumbs up. I pulled Theo’s face to mine for one final kiss - which took him and my friends by surprise - erasing the last of my nerves.

Sarah giggled as I joined her on stage and sat at the piano ready for the next song. (Stevie Nicks. What a legend.) I could feel Theo’s eyes, steady and as powerful as if his arms were wrapped around me.

A few times over the evening I saw Jenny and Theo talking together. My cheeks flushed as guilt gnawed my insides. Once again I’d failed to tell him about the biggest part of my life. I  _ was _ a coward, terrified of losing everything I wanted;  The man I was falling in love with.

  
  


###  _ Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooof... dodgy vans bring back memories!
> 
> So things are all clicking into place for Theo, and Lara is getting more and more confident as we reach the last quarter of the book. Eeek!!!
> 
> I was so nervous about sharing this story, but THANKYOU so so so much to everyone reading and to the amazing comments!!!   
> You guys are the best xxx  
> If I ever do publish this... you are getting a special mention ;-)


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is the tide starting to turn on Daniel?

#  Day 365 - Wednesday - One year

“He hasn't even called me. How can he not call me?”

“He knows?” Olivia answered, glanced up while still managing to write an email.

“How could he forget?”

“Huh, I’m lost? So you like, told him then?”

“Told him?”

She stopped typing and spun her chair to face me. “Yeah, told Theo? About Zero?”

My confusion passed over. “Ooooh no. No, not yet. I was on about Daniel.”

“Ooooh.” She slumped. “Why do you care?”

I folded my arms. “I don't.”

She went back to typing. I went back to my office.

Everything had been fine until I went to write the date on an invoice. I got to the last letter of the month before the pen slipped, shaking itself free from my icy, sweating hand. My parents had already called me numerous times throughout the day. Mom tried to sound casual, always with some sort of excuse - she needed to borrow something, she couldn't get her computer to load a file - but I knew the real reason was to check up on me.

A flash of my phone screen announced another text, this time from Caleb. He never usually text me. They were all concerned. They’d probably even reminded each other of the day - 365. One year. I grabbed my phone from the desk and held a finger over the power button, my breath catching when I realised there was also a message from Theo. He didn’t know, it wasn't his fault. 

The only person who hadn’t contacted me was Daniel. 

_ Come on, what did you expect? _

I switched the phone off and in a surge of temper, threw it across my office.

Olivia must have heard the crash. She burst in through the door looking fierce, ready to ambush whoever had broken in. Her scowl dropped when she saw it was just me, then she saw the phone on the floor, its case shattered, half stuck in a plant pot. She picked the pieces up carefully, placed them on the desk, her eyes reflecting the white of the walls turning them from blue to a pale sky grey.

“I’m ok,” I said, panting, leaning back against the cool glass of the window.

“I've finished everything for today, we don't have any more calls scheduled,” she replied softly, walking on eggshells again. “Why don't we go grab a coffee before you go to DAYS?”

I closed my eyes, wanting to cry, scream, wrap my arms around her, swing her around, laugh and thank her all at once.

  
  


I updated Jenny on how another one of my ‘dates’ had gone the previous night. So far the fundraising was a success. Stuart's story had been published in the newspaper, sparking more interest from local news and TV. Several reporters were scheduled to come to the party, which was now known as the End Of Campaign Celebration.

Ffion cornered me at the end of the meeting, immediately asking about the gig, gushing about how much fun she had, asking if I was going to be at the next one and at the DAYS celebration. Ever since Saturday she had been texting me to see how I was, if I wanted to meet up for drinks etc. Funny, she’d never bothered with me before. Something made me think her new friendliness wasn't all down to me. What Ffion  _ really  _ wanted to know was if Theo would be there at the celebration with me. The question bobbed around in h er mouth like a cuckoo waiting to burst from a clock.

I clamped my jaw and chewed my lip. The thought made me feel, not quite boiling over with anger, but a low simmer. At the same time, cold and achy. It was a small glimpse of how people’s behaviour could change around Theo I suppose.  I was starting to wonder if he was the one who needed to feel safe and protected, not me. I breathed a sigh of relief when Jenny came over and asked to speak to me. 

Gentle porcelain hands with pink nails wrapped around my wrist and led me to the small kitchen area at the back of the hall, where I helped her to make more tea and cut up cakes. (Chocolate of course.)

Before she could ask I said, “I'm doing ok.” Then laughed, “My smashed up phone wouldn't agree, but honestly, I feel better now.”

“Good.” She set the kettle down to hold my hands. “I’m so proud of you sweetheart.” I shook my head. “I mean it. You were fantastic on Saturday.” She gave my hands a squeeze.

Jenny was twenty-six when her life changed. She too was a victim of a violent knife crime - walking through a park on her way home from work - which would have ended so differently if not for a passing dog walker. In those days if a woman was assaulted the way she was, it was often kept quiet, seen as something to be ashamed of. As if it were partly her fault. She had every right to feel bitter, hatred. Instead, her kindness had grown beyond measure. 

The world needed more Jenny's.

“I still haven't told him Jen.” Even though Theo and I spoke every day, and had met for lunch yesterday. 

Jenny knew who and what I was talking about. “You will. The time will come and you’ll be fine. You are stronger than you know Lara. I see it, and that man of yours sees it.” Bright grey eyes flashed with a smile as we carried out the cakes to the group.

  
  


That night I went to bed but didn't sleep. I looked at the photos of Theo and I on the beach, imaging his arms around me, picturing his eyes, hearing his voice tell me ‘it’s ok, I've got you, go to sleep.’ Then my mind would drift back to Daniel - Jeff - Daniel again.

One year and not so much as an email to say hi. Not even a text for crying out loud. If I could fight a knife-wielding killer, why couldn't I get past my anger toward Daniel? He didn’t love me, he never had. I could see that now. Even though I no longer wanted it to be true, it hurt.

All that we had shared before, on and after Day Zero meant nothing to him, and that made me feel… Worth nothing.

Over the last year, I’d been blaming all of my insecurity and fear on what Jeff did to me. What though, if the seeds were already there and Day Zero had only made them grow? What if they had been planted by Daniel?

  
  
_ Sometime Love Just Aint Enough -  _ _ Patty Smyth ft. Don Henley _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one, so I may post another one in a few hours ;-p


	29. Chapter 29

# Day 367 - Friday

During the journey to work, my eyes kept flicking to the rear mirror where I could see the reflection of my weekend suitcase. I’d crammed so much in, it looked ready to burst. Smart jeans, heels, blouse and jacket along with a cocktail dress for the party - I didn't know how formal it was going to be - and then day clothes. Plus practically every bit of makeup I owned because you know, just in case. Toiletries, hair straighteners, phone charger. The list was endless. I won't even go into the amount or types of underwear Olivia insisted I take. Flipping heck.

My hands had been sweating since I woke, my face felt like it was on fire. I’m not sure what worried me the most - facing Daniel, meeting Theo’s family or spending the weekend away. Probably the combination. Stress pushed in at my sides, crushing me like rubbish in a compactor, squishing me into an inanimate and numb brick.

By the time Daniel called was positively nauseous. 

He greeted me in his usual way. “Quinn. I’m about half an hour away. Are you both in the office?” I answered yes, even though Friday’s were _supposed_ to be my day off - which he knew. “Grand. Look Lara…” Oh ow, he called me Lara, not a good sign. “I feel bad about the way I left. Let me make it up to you. How much have you raised on your dates?” 

“Six hundred and fifty so far.”

“I'll double it. And I'll even buy you lunch.”

I couldn't turn that money down. “Fine. But if you cancel or you're late, you're still paying up.”

“Aye, you drive a hard bargain. It's a deal. Quinn?”

My lip was now stinging from being bitten. “Yeah?”

“I won't let you down.” _Too late._ “Meet me in the cafe opposite at two. Bring the contracts.”

He may have been good at hiding his working-class roots behind a fancy new London accent and gold Rolex; he wasn't quite so good at hiding the fact he wanted to avoid Olivia.

When he walked into the cafe - wearing a suit that cost more than my car - I felt uneasy, jittery, like I was about to have an injection and was waiting for the pain. Why hadn’t I just asked for the money without lunch?

I was a thread wrapped around Daniel's finger. What scared me most, was that he knew it.

We went over the contract details along with schedules, budgets and project plans. It took longer than I’d hoped. Especially as Daniel kept ordering more coffee and food. Theo was due to pick me up after work, it was already coming up to five.

“Am I boring you Quinn?”

I looked up from my phone to see Daniel leaning on the table toward me. Being awkward around him wasn’t a new feeling. Only there were different kinds of awkwardness. In the beginning, he made me nervous; I wanted to impress him, to earn my place. Then as we worked closely together I was constantly aware of where he was, looking out for him, finding ways and excuses to be nearer, to be alone. Now I wanted the opposite. I was sitting as far back as my chair could possibly allow without it tipping over.

“I’m not actually supposed to be working today, remember,” I replied. He tipped his head to the side with a tut to say he’d forgotten. “Theo’s picking me up soon, so if we're done here--”

“You're still seeing him then?” I nodded. His mouth tightened and let out a ‘Hmph’ “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged, pouted his downturned mouth. “I’m just surprised.”

“Because why would he be interested in me and my ‘ _nasty’_ surprises right?”

He laughed and shook his head. “What are you on about?” Did he genuinely have a selective memory? “No, I'm surprised you would waste your time on a guy like that.”

“ _Waste_ my time?” My spine straightened.

“You know he’s going to leave you. Fly off to film that fantasy sequel at the end of the year with a supermodel… Yasmin something? Weren't they _living_ together?” 

No. He had to be wrong. Or saying it for a reaction. Theo wouldn’t want anything to do with her.

“Aye, I get that he’s got the whole bad boy thing going on,” he sneered. “But after all the times you had a go at over the years, I didn't think that appealed to you.” My mouth fell open, too shocked to reply quick enough before he could continue. “He’s done way worse things than I ever have Quinn. But... apparently being famous means you can overlook it.” He sighed dramatically. “I didn't think you could be that shallow.”

“I am not shal--”

“You shouldn’t trust him Lara.” He interrupted me _again_.

My shock was starting to bubble into something else. I clenched my fists. “Oh, that's rich coming from you. Theo is the first to admit to his mistakes. At least he learns from them and is _trying_ to be a better person.” Wishing I could throw my words at Daniel, I seethed, “Unlike some people.”

“That's not fair. You know me Lara.”

“Yeah. You're right, I do now. You’re the one who told me you loved me, then walked away whenever I tried your patience.” My voice strained through ragged breaths. _Don't you dare cry Lara._ “You were the one who cheated on me, who even slept with someone else the night of the trial.” My eyes were really stinging.

Before I knew what was happening, he closed the gap between us, grabbed my arms and pulled me toward him. I winced but he didn’t let go. 

His voice dropped to a soft pleading, caressing whisper, “Please Lara, after everything, when I saw you like that, torn to shreds, I… I couldn't cope.”

To shut out his wide eyes, I closed my own. I never thought he would go so far to use the one memory he knew would break my resolve. And break me. 

How had I been so blind for so long? “There was a time I thought you were changing, that you were letting me in, letting me see the real you. Now I think Daniel, you were only changing your tactics.” Theo’s car pulled up across the street. I grabbed my bag and coat. “This time - I’m the one who gets to walk away.”

  
  


###  _Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake_

  
  
  


###  _*** THEO ***_

Lara approached from a cafe across the street, looking flushed and distracted. Theo tensed, worried she was about to cancel their weekend. He relaxed when she waved and signalled she would be back in a minute. Then Theo saw the cause of her distraction; Daniel exited the cafe and headed toward the car park, toward Theo.

Nodding a quick hello as he came closer, he hoped Daniel would carry on walking past. The damn man stopped. 

Reluctantly, Theo rolled down his window and gave him a warm welcome. “Hey, how’s things?”

Daniel replied with a tight, strained smile, his acting skills paling in comparison to Theo’s. “Grand. You're off out then?”

“Going away for the weekend actually.” A flash of surprise passed over Daniel's face. Theo felt guilty for enjoying it, but only for a second. “You headed back to London?”

“Not yet. Just stopped by to sort out a few things.” He leaned onto the window edge. “And I promised to take Lara out on a date.” He looked at Theo like he was waiting for the words to settle in. Testing to see if Theo knew about the dates. Sly sod. 

Theo didn’t bite, even though he longed to wipe the fake smile off Daniel’s polished face. “Well, thank you, he said, “It's for a good cause.” 

Daniel stood, moving away from the window, no doubt annoyed his plan had failed. 

“Don't let me keep you Daniel, I’m sure I’ll see you around again.”

Theo let go of his held breath as Daniel walked away.

  
  


###  _*** LARA ***_

Theo opened the back door of his car so I could put my bag inside. “Can I help?”

I knew he wasn't talking about the bag. With a shake of my head, I went to the front passenger seat before my legs gave way, trying to mould my face into something happier. I failed. Theo started the engine and touched a hand to my knee. It cracked my will power. A tear dropped to my lap.

“What did he do this time?” Theo’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.” Only, it did. _Be honest._ “We had an argument again, I lost it, then he, he touched me--”

“He WHAT?” Something inside Theo snapped. “I’m gonna fu…” He jumped back out of the car.

“Theo no!” I had to jog to catch him. He was headed straight for Daniel’s car. _Oh hell._ “Theo stop!” I grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. “I’m ok, it wasn’t like that, wrong choice of words, I’m sorry, he grabbed my arms that’s all.”

“That’s _all_? Lara…” Solid, sensitive arms encircled me as he buried his face in my neck. “He... You... He can’t do that!” I held him tight as his breathing slowed.

Would it make me pathetic or weak or some kind of anti-feminist to admit that his instinct to protect and defend me, made me feel all fluttery, liquid and full of heat inside?

When he eventually looked up, I ran my fingers through his hair. “What were you planning on doing exactly?”

“There wasn’t really any sort of planning, or much thinking involved.” He smiled. _“‘Angry people are not always wise.’”_

If he was going to start quoting Austen with that little frown creasing his eyes, I was going to rip his shirt off right there and then in the street.

  
  


As he started to drive, an invisible person turned the sound of the engine up, filling my ears and head with loud drumming, drowning my mind in noise and chaos. Guilt ate its way through my body, sending shivers over my skin and a cold sweat across my head. If I carried on hiding the truth, I was no better than Daniel. 

We were nearly at the motorway. An invisible barrier, a force field, a point of no return, looming closer and closer. “Theo wait.” My tongue left like a razor blade.

He glanced over. “Have you forgotten something?” 

Oxygen escaped me, my breath quickened, the hand of panic around my neck once again. “I can't do this, I can't let _you_ do this… you need to know…” My eyes started welling up, bile stung my throat. _I can't breathe. I can’t breathe._ “Stop the car, I need air.”

  
  


###  _*** THEO ***_

Theo recognised the pain and fear in Lara’s eyes. It churned her calm blue lagoons into dark whirlpools. He’d seen it before; when they first met, in the first aid trailer that reminded her of a hospital, when Philip almost exposed her, on their first date when she talked of leaving London, when she panicked at the gig. He reached across to hold one of her hands; it shook violently, cold and clammy.

The tremble of her voice tore through his heart as she fought to speak, gasping for air when waves of panic crashed her against the rocks, over and over. He realised now, she had been trying to tell him the truth for so long.

Pulling the car over at the next possible place - a small dirt track into a field - he encased her in his arms, holding her firmly and secure. All he wanted was to end her struggle. For her to know that she didn't need to be afraid anymore. To keep her safe and protected from the world whilst simultaneously setting her free from the walls that crushed her wings. Her tears damped his collar.

“Lara it’s ok, I’ve got you, shuuuuush its ok babe. You’re alright. You don't have to talk about it. I already know.”

Cool, but now steady, hands pushed his chest away, her breath slow and intermittent. ‘I already know’ - those small words now threatened to destroy a future that had barely begun. Why had he said that? Anxiety tore through his veins like a raging bull. Why hadn't he just let her tell him?

Fear in her eyes had been replaced by fire.

Stillness grew. _No, please._ She was going to run again, desert him alone in the darkness. 

“Lara...” he whispered, being careful not to move. 

He prepared himself for her anger until slowly, she began to blink the fire away, extinguishing it with her long damp eyelashes. A thousand words flew through his mind - when, why, how, _liar_ \- He wished she would say any of them, all of them. Nothing could be as excruciating as her silence.

  
  


###  _*** LARA ***_

The car slowed, stopped, Theos arms were around me. I gripped onto them and pushed my face into his shoulder to hide my tears, letting my lungs fill with his scent.

“Lara it’s ok, I’ve got you, shuuuuush its ok babe. You’re alright. You don't have to talk about it, I already know.”

_‘I already know?_ ’ 

The words reverberated back and forth in my skull. _He knows?_ My hands found his chest and pushed. The connection still sent a warm buzz over the surface of my skin despite the anger that flared underneath. His heart pulsed wildly under my fingertips. It was the only thing that remained alive while the rest of the world fell away into an eerie quiet.

How did he know; did someone tell him or had he broken his promise? How _long_ had he known? Did he know when he first kissed me or when he asked me out? I didn’t know which question I wanted the answer to first; if any of them.

“Lara…” Barely a whisper, a brush of a feather across my face.

My muscles tightened, my body itching to jump out of the car, to flee the confined space into fresh air but the hold of his eyes - soft, shining with water, scared - kept me anchored.

I blinked the last of my tears away, confusion dulling my senses as I sank deeper and deeper into an ocean of emptiness. 

“I need some air.” And to be able to think.

I got out and walked away from the car to lean on a wire fence which creaked and wobbled under my weight. The noise startled a cow that was sleeping a few feet away.

Theo was behind me, I knew it without looking. As if I were a Jedi and could sense the force of his presence. The thought reminded me of Greg doing one of his Yoda impressions - he would have been proud of me for making a Star Wars reference - which made me smile and distracted me long enough to catch my breath.

“When?” I croaked, turning back to Theo. “Philip knew. Did he tell you?”

A bright moon painted the creases of Theo’s brow and the curve of his lips in silvery light as he shook his head. “No. He tried to but I didn't let him.”

“Then when?” I sounded stronger than I felt.

He rubbed a hand over his head, across his eyes, slipped his fingers into his pockets. “When I told my family about you, my sister was asking questions. I didn't have any pictures of you then so she looked up your name.” With a hand pressed over his heart, he looked into my eyes. “I swear Lara, I didn't know she was going to. She found your Instagram but then she said something about there being another Lara Quinn from London who survived an attempted murder.” An echo of the cold blade sent a shudder up my spine. “She doesn’t know. She doesn't even know you lived in London, I haven't said a word to anyone. Then, when Jenny told me about the purpose for DAYS, things clicked...” His voice faded into the wind.

That meant he’d known, or at least suspected, for a while. I leant back against the fence and took a deep breath. The wire was sharp and uncomfortable but I couldn't trust my legs to hold me upright. Theo didn't try to approach me. Half of me wanted to run into his arms. The other half wanted to pound my fists onto his chest. Why hadn’t he said something! Why, why... why?

And how had I not noticed? Not once, not for a second in any of his vast expressions had I seen so much as a glimmer of _that_ look, the one I knew all too well - pity, sorrow, sympathy - not even any morbid curiosity.

“You still wanted me to come with you this weekend? Even though you’ve known all along?” I didn't understand. “It doesn’t bother you?”

“Bother me?” He kept blinking, shaking his head. “Lara, I didn't say anything because you hadn't told me so I shouldn't have known. I know what it's like to have people invade your privacy. But bother me? Of course it bothers me.”

Ah. There it was. His hands clenched into fists. Any second now would come; ‘Why didn't you tell me?’ ‘Why did you cover it up/hide/lie?’ 

An owl hooted in the tree above and finally, he took a step closer. “I presumed everything was because of Daniel. Especially seeing the way, the way he treats you… Argh.” He threw his head back, laced his fingers behind his neck, stretched them out back at his side. “The thought of someone hurting you Lara. Of how he’s _still_ hurting you.” 

Was he talking about Jeff now or Daniel?   
It hit me then how it applied to both.

“Dammit Lara. I could… “ His voice dropped to a low thunder. “I could _kill_ him.”

Oh. 

Not what I was expecting.

Theo was mad, infuriated actually. But it had nothing to do with me hiding anything.

He’d moved to within touching distance. “I can understand why you didn't tell me, but if it's because you think it somehow changes the way I feel about you, then you're wrong.” His hands found my face, surrounding it with heat and deliciously earthy skin. “Since the second we met, you are all I think about. The first thing when I wake, the last before I sleep.” He smiled and touched his forehead to mine. “Just you, and everything about you. The way you see the world, the way you’re always surprising me. Your passion, _your fire_.” Lips pressed to my ear. “I’m not going anywhere. When I’m with you, my past disappears and I know exactly who I am and exactly who I want to be. For long as you want me, I am yours.”

For as long as I _wanted_ him?

The world had been continuously spinning while I focused on what made us so different. Now, it came to a skidding brutal halt and a revelation hit me with the full force of its gravity; We were the same. Hardwired into thinking we weren't enough. Both of us hiding and scared and damaged in our own ways. 

My hands wound their way over his back with new confidence. I wanted to know, to feel and understand every part of him as though it were my own. “Theo, I will always want you.” 

Then - as the world began spinning again - we were kissing. On the side of a road, in the middle of nowhere, being watched by owls and a herd of cows, our feet sinking into mud, wind whipping at our clothes. I was freezing and shivering from the cold.

It was… heaven.

###  _Invisible String - Taylor Swift_


	30. Chapter 30

#  Day 368 - Saturday Morning

My eyes fluttered open at the sound of a woman's voice. I half expected to be on my sofa with the TV left on. Then I heard the thrum of the engine, whoosh of passing cars, felt soft leather against my face.

“Did she say yes? Is she coming?”

“Yes Mum.” Theo noticed I was awake and smiled. “She’s here and can hear you. We won't be there till after one. We got held up, traffic was bad.” He lied, winking at me. “Don’t wait up, we’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright, I’ve made the guest room up for you Lara, help yourself to anything you need.”

I thanked her with a ripple of embarrassment, then gratitude that she hadn’t presumed I would be sleeping in Theo’s room. No matter how much I may have dreamt about it, I still wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. Theo smiled again, said his goodbye’s then slowly passed a hand through his hair. Ripples grew into waves of lava, rising, falling, rising, falling.

“I tried not to wake you,” he apologised.

I yawned and rubbed away the weight pulling my eyes shut. “No, you should have. It’s not fair you having to drive all the way alone. I’m not being a very good passenger.”

He rested a hand on my thigh. We carried on talking about his family, home, memories from growing up while I absently traced a finger over the fine hair on his arm, around the outline of his hand, his wrist, mapping out each line of tendons, curve of muscles. 

Occasionally, he would start a sentence and I would brace myself, waiting for a question about what happened to me. But they never came. I’d never known anyone to find out and not immediately want to know more. If it was the other way around would I ask him? Probably. So why wasn't he saying anything?  _ He’s waiting for you to tell him.  _ Of course he was. He was so unbelievably understanding and kind, I couldn't even think of a word to describe it. On an impulse, I leant over and kissed his cheek.

He stopped mid-sentence and chuckled. “Hmm, well hello, what was that for?”

“Just because I wanted to.”

  
  


At around 2am, we turned onto a narrow lane marked only with a small wooden signpost for ‘Oakriver Farm.’ After a minute Theo stopped the car, got out to open a gate and I realised it wasn't a lane at all but a long private drive. He’d said his home used to be a farm, this must have been it. I quickly grabbed my handbag from the seat behind, found my brush and tidied myself up. I wouldn't be meeting his family until the morning - later in the morning - but I still felt nervous. As if I had to make a good impression on the house itself. It was Theo’s home. A place he loved, a place where he felt safe from the world and its prying eyes, a place he was now sharing with me, trusting me to keep it secret.

Blackness swayed and swirled around us as we headed through a tunnel of trees. I couldn't even see any stars. When the darkness eventually opened out, we were on a gravel clearing, a Victorian-style lamp post glowing next to the front door. Even in the shadowy light, the house was exquisite. It emerged into view like a scene from a Film Noir, elegant, dramatic, mysterious.

Unloading my bag, I followed Theo toward the door, both of us treading as lightly as possible across the stones. He stepped inside and flicked on a few lights to reveal a large hall and living room. Large enough to fit the entire ground floor of my house. Everything about it said ‘welcome home.’ From the smooth flagstone floor, the silvery blue of the walls, the plumply filled sofa with soft cushions, to the comfort of vintage, well-loved oak bookcases. Grand, but cosy. Theo was watching me again, that enticing curious smile of his dancing over full lips.

“Sorry,” I whispered, “I just love old places.”

“I know.” He dropped his bags by the door, held out a hand. “Come on, this way.”

The tone of his voice brought my old butterfly friends back to life; they started using my heart as a trampoline . He led me along a long hallway, past the door to the kitchen - I caught a glimpse of navy cupboards and marble tops - through another door into a bedroom. 

It was completely opposite to anything in my own home or to anything I would design but gosh, it was stunning. All four walls were deep forest green, instantly making me feel cocooned and wanting to curl up with a book and glass of wine. Most of the room was kept simple - light wooden wardrobe, dressing table, gold-framed pictures, candles on the window sill. However, then there was  _ the _ bed. A four-poster draped in luxurious velvets, linens and tasselled cushions. A rush of energy pumped through my legs as I imagined running and launching into the mountain of softness. I restrained myself and settled for stroking a hand across the thick quilt.

“Do you like it?” Theo’s breath on my neck sent a melting static down my spine. 

Heat flooded over my skin as I turned and my hands found his waist. He was just as irresistible as the bed. I used his belt to pull him closer, any previous desire to sleep now gone.

I wanted him so much I ached all over. A good ach e, the way you feel after a run, only this ache spread further than my legs. It flew through my every nerve, every cell. I’d never felt anything like it before. He slipped off my jacket, it fell to the floor, his hands drifted from my shoulders to my neck, down my back, waist, under my top…

Automatically, I twitched away, nerves returning.

His breaths were quick against my face. “Did I hurt you?”

“No. No, I’m fine.” I kissed his jaw. “It's a reflex… I don’t… I’m not good at this.”

“Yes, you are.” His lips teasingly grazed my ear, barely touching. “You’re too good. It makes it  _ very _ difficult for me to behave.” 

I pulled back enough to see his eyes, deep black-brown, craving.

_ Be brave. _

Breathing him in, I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I’ve never let anyone see me since… I was stabbed. Twice.”

He tightened his grip around me. “It’s ok, you don't have to tell--”

“I need to,” I interrupted, “I don’t want you to be shocked or, or disappointed.”  _ Or have a nasty surprise. _ “His name was Jeff Smith. We thought he was a carpenter. I was the third girl he attacked, the other two--” I choked, gripped onto his arms for strength and sat on the edge of the bed. “The other two died. I was in hospital for a long time, it took months for me to get back to normal.” 

Theo sat next to me, jaw tight, face dark, hands around mine.

Lifting one of his hands, I touched it to my lower back. “This was the first one.” Anger flared behind his eyes again, turning them to smouldering black coals before he reigned it under control. “This was the second one.” I guided his hand to my stomach. “They don’t hurt, they’re healed, but sometimes I ache, especially my back, and…” My courage ran out; I looked down at the dark parquet floor. “And I’m not beautiful.” 

This was the moment when most people crumbled - not that I told a lot of people - I would see the discomfort plainly on their faces as their minds backtracked, grasping for anything to say, thinking of some way to change the subject, or of how to escape. In truth, I don’t expect people to know what to say, or to have any profound words of encouragement. Just listening and being there was enough. What I didn't expect though, was the way some people would back away,  horrified, as if I had some sort of contagious disease.

Theo was silent. Still. Processing what I’d said, lips pulled tight in thought.  _ He’s already regretting everything he said.  _ I should have told him sooner. How would I get through the weekend knowing he didn't want me there? 

My eyes started to sting, I bit down hard on my lower lip to focus. 

He brushed a gentle hand over my face to lift my chin. “You know it makes me weak when you do that.” I couldn't help but smile as his mouth met mine. “And the way you smile when I kiss you.” Warm hands worked up my back, a whisper over my skin. “And the way you somehow always get paint on your nose when you're working.”

That made me laugh and in a wave of giddiness, I pulled his t-shirt right over his head. 

_ Holy woah. _

For a moment, I wanted to make him step back so I could let the image of his body become real, give my mind a chance to come back from the whirling, swimming, soaring place that it had disappeared to. But by the time the thought had fully formed, he was kissing me again, arms lowering me onto the bed. Now he was the one biting my lip.

He stopped to smile at me. “And the taste of your skin.” 

My hands clawed over the muscles of his shoulders, the long lines of his arms and back as his kisses worked their way to my collarbone, to my chest, each one setting off an explosion of heat and colour and sound. He was delicate but insistent. Judging by the low growls in his chest, enjoying every second. I was trying not to grin or laugh or scream his name. 

Without meaning to, I flinched again as his hands dropped lower. 

He pulled me up to sit, my legs around his waist, eyes reading mine, holding my shaking hands. “I want you.” Velvet voice. Visceral purr. My breath shuddered, butterflies the size of eagles pounding my ribs. “But I will wait as long as--”

“No!” I argued, more forcefully than I meant to; it made him smile. “I’m not scared, at least, in my head I’m not.” I wasn’t, not anymore. I felt the same way I always felt around him. Like there was nothing I couldn't do. Nothing that could stop me. “I know what I want. Sometimes the rest of me just doesn't listen.”

He gripped my hips, kissed my throat. “Then tell me what you want, and I will listen.”

“I know,” I said, starting to unbutton my shirt. “You've got me. I trust you.”

His gaze became a glorious molten treacle over my skin. It flowed into my soul, melting every last wall I’d built as if they were no more than a thin dusting of frost. As I pulled the shirt from my shoulders, he touched a hand to my waist, smoothing it over each line and dip of my scars. Only, under his fingers, they became threads of gold and silver, a magical script. A reminder - not that had I died - that I was alive. 

Very much alive.

“Lara, you are, you are beyond beautiful.” I couldn't help notice his eyes were now more focused on my lace bra. “And if I have to keep telling you that, every minute of every day until you believe me, then I will.” 

He kept his word. 

He told me in between every kiss, every new touch, every breath and every beat of my heart.

  
  


###  _ Under The Table - BANKS _

  
  


A faint sensation of something landing on my shoulder stirred me. I twisted onto my side, pulling the sheets with me.  __ In that state of half-dream, half-waking, when everything seems to glow in a sun-drenched haze and you're afraid that if you move, even the slightest amount, nothing could ever feel as comfortable or as perfect again.

The gentle touch landed again, this time at the top of my forehead, wandering down the line of my nose, onto my lips, chin. I opened my eyes when it tickled across my middle. Theo was propped up on one elbow, glimmers of morning light bouncing off the contours of his shoulders, arching over his waist.  He took my breath away. I tried to think of all the places or buildings I’d seen that had done the same. Nothing came close. He was designed, not by some mortal architectural genius, but by God himself. 

A compulsion overwhelmed me; I wanted to bury myself under the covers, to hide, petrified that in the daylight he would see how plain and ordinary I was, and how little I deserved him. But that wasn’t what made my heart stumble and miss a beat. It was the fact  _ he _ was looking at  _ me _ \- a waiver of a smile, crease in his brow, a flicker of eyelashes - in a way that made me think, almost, maybe, that he felt exactly the same.

“Goodmorning.” He kissed in-between my eyes. “I really don't want to but.” He inclined his head towards the door. “I should go and say hello.” Reluctantly, I let him go. 

As he walked around the room, picking up his clothes on the way, any shadow of shyness disappeared. As if my watching him recharged his confidence, flicking back on the light switches. Pulling up his jeans, he flashed me a look with a quirk of an eyebrow and I had to bite my knuckles to stifle a giggle.  _ Oh my _ .

I showered and dressed as quickly as possible, still floating a few feet off the ground. I didn't want to waste any time, but I couldn't help stopping to look around the room again in the daylight. The pictures on the walls were family photos. One was of a couple at their wedding, judging by the style of fashion and the man’s deep brown eyes, I guessed it was Theo’s parents. Then there were a few of the same couple in various places, with a baby, then a young boy and another baby - Theo and his sister. Another one was of Theo at his school leaving, celebrating over the results slip in his hands. He was slimmer then, hair shaved short, long limbs he hadn’t quite grown into. Still handsome. I stared at it for a few minutes, then told myself it was weird to fancy the sixteen-year-old version of my boyfriend.  _ Boyfriend! _ I laughed, carried on looking around the rest of the photos.

At any second, I expected someone to appear around a corner and tell me to leave. To tell me off for peering into another facet of Theo’s life without him knowing. I couldn't stop looking. Was this how Elizabeth Bennet felt when curiosity got the better of her and she visited Pemberly for a nose at Mr Darcy’s house? A grin spread across my face when I discovered a later picture of him at university playing the guitar. Three words sang in my mind.

I love him.

I love him.

_ I love him. _

  
  


Venturing out the room, I listened for sounds - there were voices coming from the kitchen. I entered and I was greeted by the lush smell of growing things; tomatoes, greenhouses and fresh lemons. A smile set onto my face, though I could feel myself sweating already.

“LARA! Yeeeeey I’m so glad you're here!” Chloe half ran, half skipped over to hug me.

Even without seeing the photos, I would have recognised her immediately. Lighter eyes than Theo, hazel, merging into grey but they shared the same smile. And the same thick dark hair, though hers was long, falling into ringlets at her waist. She ushered me towards a chair at the table in the centre of the room, talking the whole way there and asking questions without waiting for any answers . I only caught the odd word clearly. Her energy reminded me of Olivia.

“Theo’s gone to help Dad out in the barn, he’ll be back in a minute,” she said, taking the next to me, which thankfully also slowed her down. “But it’s cool because it means we get to talk about him.” She laughed, then leant in closer as if to tell me a dangerous secret. “He's never brought a girl home before you know.”

He’d lived with Yasmin for over a year but she’d never met his family? The thought made me nervous all over again. He really was taking this seriously. My smile faltered as I glanced up and noticed his mother standing on the far side of the room, leaning against the sink watching us, watching  _ me _ , a potato and peeler in her hands. She gave a smile back, but it didn't fit comfortably, loose, it kept slipping down like a jacket that's too big. I could see the worry that Theo had talked about. Her face was similar to how May first greeted me - She didn't trust me.

“Thank you again, so much for inviting me Mrs Taylor, and for letting me stay.” I fell back to my usual waffling, only this time in my highly correct English telephone voice. “Your house is so incredibly beautiful.”  _ Relax.  _ I t sounded like I was auditioning to be a Royal for an episode of  _ The Crown.  _

“Our pleasure to have you and please, call me Alison.” Her expression lifted. “And don't worry, you'll get used to Chloe’s hyperspeed.” She shot her daughter a look to say, ‘calm down.’ It was a look I knew well from my own Mom.

“Would you like a drink?” She asked. “You had a long night.” 

I knew she was talking about the journey; heat flushed over my cheeks anyway. Fortunately, she’d already turned away to fill the kettle. I offered to make the coffee myself, then volunteered to help with the food preparation for the evening. She seemed surprised but I insisted. My anxiety would die down if I kept busy and I couldn't exactly go and randomly start cleaning their house.

We talked about the house and it’s history for a while then as I was asking Chloe about her studying - GCSEs coming up plus she was taking a fashion design course - Theo opened the back door. A sack of logs slung over his shoulder. Hands, white tee shirt, jeans and boots covered in dirt, splinters of bark and wood dust. A grin split his face when he saw me. He was always handsome whatever he wore, so utterly p erfect that every glance made my heart explode into a million tiny hearts. But this was  _ him.  _ I'd never seen him so relaxed. His clothes, surroundings, everything finally matched up to the person I knew on the inside.

“Hey,” he said, dropping the logs and putting an arm around my shoulders. “I didn't expect you to be up so soon, did you sleep well?” 

Stealthily, I dug a finger into his ribs, silently telling him to behave. It might have worked if I hadn't been biting my lip and blushing. 

“So you've met Mum, Chloe, and this is my Dad, Chris.” He stepped aside so I could see the man coming through the door behind him.

Chris introduced himself with a kiss on my cheek, then apologized for the state of his hands. Maybe it was because of the dark eyes and familiar mannerisms, but despite a tense gravel edge in his voice, I relaxed and warmed to him.

I lifted my own hands, dirty from the potato peelings. “Don't worry about it.”

“What?” He laughed. “You've barely been here a few hours and you're already working.”

“Oh, I don't mind, honestly, I like working.”

Theo’s arm was back around my shoulder. “She's not being polite Dad, she really means it.”

A look of pure pride covered his face as he told them all about my job, my ‘skills’ and ‘hard work.’ Although part of me wanted to cringe with embarrassment, another part listened to him in a dazed stupor, floor spinning below, my lungs swelling with his praise.

How I managed not to grab his face and kiss the life out of it, I do not know.

  
  


Chloe and I carried the last of the garden chairs from their garage into the barn. 

She whispered, “He  _ really _ likes you you know.”

“Thanks. I really like him back.”

“Cool. I know Mum and Dad might seem quiet, it's because they worry about him. They like you too though.”

They were quiet. His Mom especially so, I could feel her watching me every time I was anywhere near Theo, waiting for some kind of sign that I was an imposter. Ready to catch me out for trying to steal her son away and drag him back to his old ways.

Theo set down the last table. “All done.” Then grabbed me into a hug and kissed my head.

With a dramatic ‘get a room’ eye-roll, Chloe laughed.

Since being home, Theo’s energy seemed to have multiplied by a thousand. Or maybe it was because… we did get a room.

“Come for a walk?” He took my hand.

We walked away from the barn toward the front of the house, across what they called ‘the lawn’ (more like a field) and into the woodland that followed the route of the long driveway. I asked Theo who was going to be coming that evening. About 30 people were coming all together; aunts, uncles, cousins plus a few of his parents' friends from work. The air started to freeze as I breathed it in, shrinking my throat.

Theo picked up on how quiet I'd gone. “Hey, if this is all too much and you need to leave at any point then just say. Please. I honestly wouldn't mind.” He pulled me closer. “We could go back to your room…”

Good grief, he was literally turning my knees to jelly, my mind to candyfloss, my blood to electricity. “As tempting as that sounds.” I tapped a finger to my lips. He laughed,  _ my laugh _ . “I am looking forward to tonight. I want to meet them all. I can do this.” I could. For him. For me.

“I know you can,” he affirmed, walking again. “Do you--” He coughed, like he regretted saying anything, or that he didn't know how to finish.

I let him think about it for a while, partly because I loved watching him think. “Theo, just say it, I won't be offended.” He lifted a teasing eyebrow. “I promise!”

“Hmm. Do you have panic attacks often?”

“Not so much these days. Mostly I just get nervous. My hands start shaking. It passes if I take a minute. Sometimes though, I feel like I can't breathe, I go dizzy, I feel like I need to run away, but I never know where to.” 

We came out of the woodland by a small stream, Theo led me towards a bench, where I carried on, “Occasionally, something like a sound or smell triggers a memory and I feel like I'm there, living it all over again. Cigarettes normally. Jeff was a smoker.” I took in a lung full of fresh air. “Thankfully that hasn't happened for a while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Under the Table - Banks
> 
> Please tell me, that this could be easy.  
> I'm tired of waiting for permission to love.  
> Heartbreak is your game, but I'm learning  
> My heart could be yours, won't you make it your home?


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One final trip into Lara's past...

#  Day 212

I bounced on my toes, scrunched up the fabric inside my pockets into fists, smoothed it out, scrunched it up again. Rhys was late for our date. A taxi pulled up outside the bar. I stopped bouncing, brushed the hair from my face. It wasn't him. The bouncing restarted, faster than before as I checked my phone for the hundredth time that minute; Nothing. Maybe he wouldn't turn up. He might not have forgiven me for the way I jumped a mile when he tried to hold my hand. Being touched by strangers still made my skin itch and burn.

I didn’t want anyone to touch me yet. 

The guy who got out the taxi walked toward me and the bar entrance, stopping at the other side of the door to light a cigarette.  _ Please don't. _ The smell strangled me, a thousand snakes slithered over my body, tightening ar ound my chest, pouring down my throat.

_ Be brave Lara come on! _

A hand touched my shoulder, I bit my lip to hold in a scream.

“What the?”

“Rhys? Oh hell, I’m sorry, you scared me!” I laughed off my fear, trying to catch my breath.

Rhys squinted his eyes up before placing a hand on my lower back and leading me into the bar. I squirmed away from his touch, the smell of smoke still fresh in my nose, in my memory.

“So, how was work?” He asked.

“Hm? Pardon?” I took off my coat and sat at the table Rhys had picked, only catching his last word, even though it was quiet in the bar.

He was squinting at me again, brow wrinkled like the damp sand nearest the sea, pressed into the shapes of waves. “God, Lara what's up with you today? Have I said something?” He ordered me a glass of wine, I felt like I’d already drunk a bottle.

My head wouldn’t focus, I was distant,  stuck in a bubble where tim e ran slower than everyone around me.

“No, it’s not you.” I gave as much of a smile as I could. “I’m just tired. And hungry! Let's get some food yeah?” I made a show of excitedly picking up my menu, Rhys nodded and did the same.

I already knew what to order, but it gave me a moment to try and calm down.  _ Breathe in one-two, out one-two.  _ It wasn't working. With every breath, I felt more and more like I was going to be sick. The smoke had gone into my bloodstream. My hands were shivering uncontrollably. I began mentally reciting the lyrics of a Taylor Swift song. 

Hell, not even that was helping.

“Um Lara?”

I looked up, straight into Rhys’ worried, slightly freaked out eyes.

“Lara, you were singing? Like, out loud? Are you ok?” He glanced around to see if anyone else had heard. They had. Quite a few pairs of eyes were on me.

“Actually, I’m not feeling great.” _Run run run_. “I think I just need some air…”  
Without waiting for an answer, I headed for the doors. Big mistake. I stepped out into another cloud of fresh smoke. The cloud morphed into solid walls, trapping me on all sides, boxing me in, tighter and tighter. Pain seared through the back of my eyes and down my spine as shivers became gut-wrenching shuddering. At some point I started screaming. I don't know what - I couldn’t hear - I only knew because my throat became dry and raw. I heard voices. People were trying to help me, but I wasn’t there. I was back in the mud of the building site, rough stone snagging my skin, warm blood soaking my clothes. _His_ hands groping around my chest. The last thing I remember was hearing the thud as I hit the pavement. 

Then everything went black.

Black. Grey. Voices. Spinning. Black.

“So what's your relationship?”

“I told you, we were just having dinner. She said she wasn't feelin’ well, she came outside, I followed her a few minutes later when I heard people shouting and this is how I found her.”

Rhys’ face came in and out of focus. He was bright red. Anger, embarrassment. Probably both. I was sitting on the floor, my back against the wall of the bar, my bum had gone numb, so had my hands. Cold damp from the concrete seeped into my skin.

A police officer carried on asking Rhys questions. It didn't sound as though she believed his story that a sober woman would face plant the kerb for no reason. 

“Oi, Jones, she’s waking up.” A voice to my right made me jump. 

I spun my head -  _ ouch - _ and saw a round, leathery face of a man dressed all in green. Paramedics uniform. 

He gave me a toothy grin. “Alright love, you’ll be ok.”

It explained the pressure on my head. He was holding an ice pack to where I must have hit the ground. The officer, Jones, came over to kneel at my other side, still keeping her eyes on Rhys. I pushed myself forward.

“Wo wo take it easy love.” The paramedic put a hand on my shoulder to steady me. “It's Lara right?” I nodded and instantly regretted moving my head. “Can you tell us what happened? A witness said you screamed?”

“I… I had a panic attack.” I stole a quick glance towards Rhys; biting his nails, bright red, dazed, nervous. “I came outside to get some air but, but I think, I fainted.”

Jones nodded toward Rhys. “And you know this man?”

“Yes, we came out together.” I caught Rhys’ eye and whispered an apology. He carried on biting his nails. “It’s not his fault, I panicked because of something that happened a while ago, you can check my medical records if you don't believe me. Can I just go home now, please?”

The paramedic gave me some final checks, helped me to my feet, said he was happy - I didn’t have a concussion - and Jones finally dropped her suspicion of Rhys and let us go.

Rhys walked me toward the main road, obviously not hungry anymore. 

“I’m really sorry,” I said.

He nodded. “I’ll get you a taxi.” He didn’t offer to drive me. “What happened? One minute you're singing, the next you're running away.” His face was red again. Definitely anger and embarrassment - Anger that I had embarrassed him.

I took a step away and stopped. “I’m sorry, it was the smoke, It reminded me of something,” I told him the short, clinical version of Day Zero.

As I did, his arms crossed tighter and tighter over his chest. Face turned away. Weight shifted from foot to foot. “So. You? Did he… I mean were you... How do you? Shit.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s a lot. But I’m fine now. Well, apart from the occasional freak-out but I’m getting there.” I laughed, high and humourless, trying to make light of everything, to excuse my behaviour. 

Silence  spread like a virus through the air between us.

Pushing against all my fears, I reached out to touch his arm. “Look, let's just go for a drink?”

He pulled away, his whole expression changing. There was my answer. A shadow grew, obscuring light and colour, draining his skin and eyes into grey and sapping any kind of feelings he might have had for me.

I shrugged, put my smile back on and let him go. “Or maybe not, you're right, I should go home.” Watching people squirm wasn’t fun, so I was used to giving them excuses. “Maybe I’ll call you tomorrow?”

He gave me  _ that _ look.  The one where I’m a wounded animal, mangey and covered in fleas; he felt sorry for me but at the same time didn't want to get close. “Yeah, you need to rest your head, that’s gonna be a nice bruise.” At least he was trying to be kind. Sort of. “But…” He looked away again.  _ Here it comes.  _ “It’s not you Lara, but, I don't think I can deal with all of this.” 

‘Ha! Who can?’ Was what I  _ wanted _ to say. ‘Oh sure ‘it's not you Lara, it's just everything about you.’ Instead, I nodded. “Oh, ok. Don't worry. I’ll see you around then. Take care Rhys.”

I never saw him around.

Olivia was staying with her Mum for the weekend. I didn’t fancy going home to an empty house so carried on walking through town. I wound up outside a tiny bar called ‘Jazz’ which, surprise surprise, played jazz music. I’d wanted to go there for ages. The soulful notes of a saxophone along with the smell of bittersweet coffee, whiskey and leather drifted through the doorway. 

_ Do it! Be brave. _

I stepped in and let the atmosphere wrap around me. It was dimly lit with industrial style bulbs hanging randomly from what looked like scavenged driftwood. The sax player was in the far corner, casually swinging from side to side, eyes closed, lost in the music. A woman wearing a 50s tea dress took my order as I pulled myself onto a bar stool. She hummed along to the song while mixing my Dark and Stormy cocktail. Delicate swirls of pink roses climbed up her neck then draped down her arms; the most amazing tattoos I’d ever seen. They were so realistic I would have believed her if she said she'd  sat in a garden for a few years and let the plants grow all over her .

“Here you go chick.” She handed over my drink with a smile. Sparkly green eyes hovered over my face. “I know you don't I?”

I dipped my head and took a sip. The local paper had covered my story just a few weeks ago. A picture of me leaving the courthouse had been on the front cover. ‘The London Stabber convicted after a citywide manhunt.’ read the headline. The article went on to explain how a local-born businesswoman (me) had survived his final attack.

“I work around the corner, maybe we've passed each other,” I said. Thankfully, she seemed happy with my answer. I pointed at her arms to quickly change the subject. “Those are really beautiful.” 

“Arw thanks chick!” Twisting her arms around, she proudly showed off her personal artwork before being summoned to the other end of the bar.

I called Greg and told him what happened - he straight away offered to pick me up on the way home from work. It meant I'd have to hang around for a while but I didn't mind. I idly browsed Instagram, scrolling back through the last year of people's lives, all the things I’d missed. What struck me was how normal it was. While  my life fell apart, the rest of the world just carried on, eat, sleep, work, repeat. I was just a speck of sand inside a timer, falling through the relentless stream of time.

My next drink was a straight whiskey. 

“Rough day chick?” Asked the rose lady as she handed it over.

“I got dumped.” The alcohol was already making me overshare.

She topped up my glass to a triple shot with a wink. “Been there love, got the tee-shirt.”

By the time Greg arrived, I was feeling pleasantly light and floaty. He pulled out the stool next to me with a ‘chin up’ kind of smile. My head slumped onto his shoulder while we listened to the music.

The sax player had been joined by a bassist and singer. Soft notes filled my body with serenity. I was in a swaying boat, drifting down a bubbling river, dappled sunlight through trees warming my face, cool water gently lapping around my hands and toes. The magic of music.

And admittedly, quite a large quantity of alcohol.

Greg twitched his shoulder. “Let’s get you home before you fall asleep on me yeah?” 

He led me to his car with an arm around my shoulder. I kept insisting that I wasn't drunk. I wasn't. Just tipsy. He didn't argue, not even when he had to help me open the door.

“What’s wrong with me?” I babbled out when he got into the driver seat. Ok, ok, so maybe I was a  _ little _ drunk.

He brushed the hair from my eyes. “Nothing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.” 

I hugged my arms around my chest and pressed my face to the cool window glass as the car chugged into motion.

“Straight to bed yeah? Greg walked me to my front door. “And don't let anyone make you feel there's something wrong with you. Ever.”

I angrily kicked off my shoes into the porch, almost falling over in the process.

“Lara, promise me ok?”

“Fine!” I shouted, hands shaking again. “Then bloody stop treating me like I’m sick! I know you’re trying to help and, and....” I lost my train of thought so I pushed him hard in the chest instead. “You don't even joke around me anymore. You used to make fun of me all the time and yeah, I know, it's stupid but I miss it. I just… I miss… I miss everything.” Words stuttered out in-between sobs.

He pulled me into a hug and held me tight. All I felt was aching anger. I wanted to scream and scream at anything or anyone. Poor Greg got the brunt of it. The more I struggled and cried, the tighter he held me, swaddling me like a baby until I eventually gave up and calmed down.

We sat squashed on the floor of my tiny hallway. “I’m sorry.” I sniffed. He loosened his grip when I looked up and smiled. “I love you.”

“I know,” he said. Han Solo style. It was thanks to Greg that I knew that. “Ugh, you're such a messy crier Larlar. I mean seriously what is this?” He pointed at his shirt.

“It’s called makeup.” I nudged his shoulder. He was trying. “You really have a way with words to cheer people up.”

“I sure do. In fact, did you know I’m writing a book?”

I leaned back to look at his face. He was deadly serious, swaying a little (that was probably me) but serious. “No. Since when do you write?”  
“Ar it’s an idea I’ve had for a while now. It's about reverse psychology. Yeah, you really _don't_ wanna read it.” A smile cracked his face.

“Oh come on,” I snorted. “What the hell was that? That's a terrible joke.”

“You were the one who said you missed it so… I did learn one thing though.” He gave a long sigh and fidgeted his feet. 

I was almost too worried to ask. “What?”

“That there's no point if you're writing with a broken pencil.”

_Oh Greg._ “Ha, ok I take it back I don't miss this.”  
I waved him off then slowly and clumsily, made my way to bed, a smile still on my face. _I will be me again._

Someday.

  
  


A small earthquake woke me up. It turned out to just be my phone, buzzing itself around in circles on my side table, hitting the base of the glass lamp so the vibrating echoed. I rubbed my eyes into focus and hesitated about answering. It was almost midnight - people don't normally call that late unless there's something wrong.

“Daniel?” I answered. “You ok?”

“I got your message so I thought I’d call.”

Message? What message?

He half sighed, half laughed, it reminded me of the saxophone from Jazz. A deep humming sound. “Have you been drinking Quinn?” I didn't say anything. “Maybe you should check your outgoing messages later.”

Oh hell, what had I done? I must have rung him before Greg arrived, or maybe it was before I fell asleep, I couldn't remember. I remembered feeling angry though. Lately, I felt angry every time I thought about him or spoke to him. Anger was good. It was better than the consuming hollow pain that was there before.

I pressed a hand to my pounding head. “Whatever I said, I’m sorry. Ignore it.”

“Nah, don't be like that. You're funny when you're drunk. And honest.” He let out another saxophone chuckle as I groaned. “You said something about whiskey reminding you of me? And wanting me to come over and distract you again…”

It all came flooding back to me as suddenly and as chilling as having a bucket of cold water thrown over my head. I’d rang him from the bar. It was the whiskey. It tasted like him. And that was why I was angry; Because I’d remembered the way he walked out on me when I’d needed him. Again.

“I wish you weren't four hours away Lara.”

“Why?” I breathed, caving into his deep whispering charm. “What would you do?” 

“I think you know what I would do...”

A tear sank into my pillow. I missed him. I still wanted him.

I hated it.

###  _ Moral of the Story - Ashe _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yup, that's the last ever flashback chapter... I'm actually getting a little emotional about the story ending!
> 
> Only a few more chapters to go now...
> 
> Ashe - Moral of the Story:
> 
> Some mistakes get made, that's alright that's ok,  
> you can think that you're in love,  
> when really you're in pain.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a little parrrrtay!

#  Day 386 - Saturday Afternoon

Like pieces of a jigsaw that were made to fit together, I’d  relaxed onto Theo’s side, my head and shoulder moulding into the curves of his arms as he  listened to my story about a horrific date with Rhys. 

“So now you know,” I said, “The reason for dates being my fear.”

“Well, if it ever happens again, you have somewhere to run to now.” He wound my hair through his fingers. “You can run to me.”

Song lyrics filled my head -  _ Bryan Adams, Run To You  _ \- the way they always did, often at the most inopportune times. I smiled to myself and hummed the line. Theo finished it for me.  _ Woah. _ He had a good voice, gravelly and low. I looked up, impressed.

“Classic song,” he said. “Soundtrack of the day?”

“It is now.”

“Hey, you still haven't told me what the song was for the day we met?”

“Because I’m still waiting for you to guess.” 

A grin crinkled his eyes. He carried on humming as we walked back toward the house.

Summer was peeking over the horizon. Warmth spread through the breeze bringing with it the heady smell of blooming flowers, pollen and sun-dried grass. I wanted to bottle it like a perfume so I could spray the memories across my skin every day for the rest of my life. Not just the scents; the way the sun filtered through the trees, the feel of Theo’s arm around me, his side pressed against mine, close enough to feel him laughing, breathing. The feeling of being light enough that I might float any at any point. Every sense and image crystal clear and bright, perfect like a photograph.

When we got back to the lawn, I could see Chloe hanging fairy lights across the back of chairs, from the beams of the barn, over the doors, basically everywhere she could fit them. Chris was on the drive, talking to the driver of an old VW camper which had been painted in a pretty shade of rose pink, and converted into a mobile, hire out bar.

Theo slowed to a stop. “Speaking of dates.” We hadn't for some time, but I knew he’d been thinking about something. “I was wondering if there's some way I can help? I’d like to give something and I know some people who could really help spread the word about DAYS.”

His kindness and generosity wrapped a heat around my heart that made me want to jump up, fold my arms around him and sing at the top of my lungs. 

“That means so much to me Theo, thank you! But I don't want to take your money.” I wouldn't want anyone to think I was using him. I had to consciously stop myself from looking over toward his parents.

“You're not taking it, I’m offering it. If I can't use what I have, or the position I’m in to help the people I…  _ care _ about then what good is it?” He hesitated for the minutest of seconds before the word ‘care.’ It was enough to send my pulse rocketing into space, taking my brain with it. I pretended not to notice.

“Please,” he continued, “Think about it. Talk to Jenny if you want. Let me know if there's anything. Hey, we could go on a date? I could wear the Darcy suit.”

_ Oof, yes please. _ “Honestly, you don't need to, you already give me enough.” He was enough.

His hands went back to his pocke ts. “But it’s ok for Daniel to help though?”

That took me completely by surprise. My mouth gaped for a second. 

Theo closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over them. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.” He swallowed and took a breath. “I saw him yesterday, as we were leaving. He said you’d been on a date. I know it’s not real, but then, why didn't you tell me?” His eyes, lips, brow, all pulled tight and tense as he looked at the floor.

“I don’t know,” I said, slowly shaking my head. “It wasn’t even a date, he was just saying that. We were going over work and had lunch. He offered to make a big donation, so I couldn't say no.”

“But you can say no to me?”

“He’s my boss, it’s difficult.”

“The boss that you used to be involved with, who stays in your house, who sits with his arm around you while messing about your best friend. Who seemingly gets to treat you however he likes, but is still allowed to help?”

An underlying  current of hurt eroded  his words, breaking them apart at the edges as his voice deepened with anger. Tension grew in his arms even though he pinned them down to his body.

“You don't understand Theo.” That was the wrong thing to say. I knew it as soon as it left my mouth. 

He took a step back and looked upwards, breathing as if he had just run for miles. “Then please. Help me understand!”

Grabbing a handful of his shirt, I dragged him a few feet across the lawn, out of the eye line of his family in the barn. He let me - he was plenty strong enough to have stopped me if he wanted to - but he still wouldn’t look at me. A part of me wanted to shout back, to accuse him of not trusting me. I couldn’t. He had been cheated on, used, betrayed.  It may not have been caused by a physical knife, but that kind of damage took time to mend too.

I touched my hand to his chest. “He was there.” 

Theo met my eyes, anger instantly dispersing when he realised what I was talking about.

“Daniel was the one who found me.” I cleared my throat. “I died Theo. I died, and he was there, if it wasn’t for him, I would have ended up like the others and, and...” My eyes started to sting. “He was the last thing I remember.” Theo pulled my head onto his shoulder when I shuddered, my eyes filling up, memories of panic flooding my body. “He told me he loved me but when I woke up he wasn't there, he was never there. I was so stupid.”

I looked up into his watery eyes.  _ Oh God _ , I'd made him cry. “I’m sorry, I should have told you, I should have told you everything right from the start. There's so much I don't know how to explain and when I do, people change, they treat me differently. Or they… they leave me.” 

A deep breath steadied my voice. “We have a motto at DAYS; To be brave, be honest, make all the days count. And I kept repeating it to myself every time I saw you, but I was so afraid of what you would think of me. I don't want to hide anymore.  Even if being with you means people find out who I am, I’m not scared anymore. ” I started smiling, Theo did too. “I don't want to let you go.”

He smoothed a hand around my face. “Then don't.”

“Even if I have to fight off every girl on every date, in every restaurant who tries to flirt with you, I’m still not letting go.”

“Then don't,” he chuckled into my ear. 

“I mean it Theo. I like you too, a lot, exceedingly,  _ tremendously, _ an d I don’t go down without a fight.”

“I believe you. I’ve experienced your fighting skills first hand, remember.” He stopped laughing to hold my face. “You are the strongest person I have ever known. My Lara. My fire.”

“Well then, Mr Taylor, you should know th at  _ ‘my courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.’”  _ (Elizabeth Bennet.)

A deen groan vibrated from his chest. “Well then, Miss Quinn, you should know that if you are going to talk Austen to me, I will take you down with or without a fight right here, right now.”

Well then.

I quickly tried to think of as many quotes as I could.

  
  


We entered the barn - my lips and skin still tingling from the effects of Theo’s stubble - to find Chris laying the tables, he called Theo over to help. I went to join Chloe, who had finished with hanging lights and was now onto flowers.

I held my arms out to relieve her of the monstrous bunch of pink roses she was struggling to carry. Stopping at each table she would then take five back and place them into tall glass vases. Once the roses were gone, we did another lap of the room, this time lighting a small white candle in a jar for each table. By the time we finished the barn was filled with the delicate scent of rose and vanilla. Glowing reflections from the candles danced across the walls and up over the ceiling. Chloe came to stand next to me, arms crossed, admiring our handywork.

I gave her a nudge. “It looks amazing Chloe.”

“Thanks,” she beamed. “Now it’s time for our makeover! Come on.” She grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards the house, shouting over her shoulder to Theo and her father that we would see them later. I got the feeling arguing would have been pointless. Goodness, if her and Olivia ever got together they would be unstoppable.

Fortunately, Chloe’s idea of a makeover’ basically meant going through the clothes I’d brought with me. I laid out my options on the bed. She immediately picked the dress. It was a cocktail dress I’d worn to my cousin’s wedding a few years before. I wasn't so self-conscious back then, I hoped that wearing it again would bring back good memories and maybe even a little of my old confidence. From the front it was a simple shape, lightly fitted, finishing at my knees. At the back, the neckline dipped - just below my shoulder blades - into drapes and folds of fabric. The fabric was what made it special. Peacock blue shimmery silk. It was one of those dresses that as soon as you put it on, you had to spin around, at least once, so you could watch the way it swished and fell. 

Chloe left me to get herself ready. I moved onto my hair and makeup, still singing  _ Run To You. _

###  _ Run To You - Bryan Adams _

  
  


###  _ **** THEO *** _

Theo headed to the barn where guests were already gathering, many of whom he had not seen since leaving for the US. Their reaction to his being home again made him anxious. He took long strides across the driveway, breathing deeply, repeatedly clenching his fists. If Lara could face them - and they were strangers to her - then he could.

Thinking of her relaxed his hands. The sweet smell of her hair, the softness of her skin under his fingers. Focusing on her made everything else clear. Past, present, future.

“Theodore!” His aunt called out to him as he stepped through the large doors, inadvertently announcing his arrival. Faces turned to see for themselves,  an icy gush of hush  rushing th rough the room.

He greeted his aunt, giving her a thankful hug for the way she struck up a conversation as if the years apart had only been a day. His father - her brother - came to join them a few minutes later. Conversations swelled again, although there were still a few glances being thrown in Theo’s direction. Glances that put the hairs at the back of his neck on end. He was being talked about. He expected as much. It didn't stop it from hurting.

The room stirred again, this time caused by Chloe’s entrance, throwing up her arms with a chorus of; ‘Let's get the partaaay started!’ 

That wasn't what caught Theo’s attention. 

Lara followed Chloe, candlelight painting flames across her face, his eyes drawn to her by an invisible force. She walked straight, shoulders held back, her forever present smile curving her lips. Only her hands gave her nerves away; clasped together in front of her waist.

One of his cousins - Harrison, attractive,  _ single _ \- immediately made his way over, giving a hurried hello to Chloe before introducing himself to Lara.  _ Watch out Harrison _ , Theo thought,  _ she won't take any nonsense. _ He watched with amusement as Lara held out a hand for Harrison to shake, pointedly and firmly keeping him at arm's length.

A hand on Theo’s shoulder called for his attention. “Good to have you home again,” Chris said. “She’s a lovely girl, seems gentle, sensible. A keeper. So for goodness sake, go and rescue her from Harrison.” 

Chris walked away with a grin and final pat on his son's back. Theo blinked the surprise and relief from his face. Those few words were the sign of his father's approval, and of further forgiveness and trust. The lake between them, filled with waters of the past, finally evaporated.

A few steps behind Lara, Theo paused. Her dress rippled like fluid,  a waterfall cascading down her back. Or perhaps more like the wings of an angel?

He loved everything about her. 

Her shyness made her polite, thoughtful. Her fears made her strong, determined, but empathetic. Even the scars which she hated so much were another sign of her courage; stories of the bravery she showed everyday written on her skin.

He loved  _ her _ .

So damn much.

Reaching out a hand, he breathlessly skimmed fingers down her spine before settling his palm against her lower back. Instead of tensing, she relaxed at his touch and leant back into his arms.

  
  


###  _ *** LARA *** _

Theo arrived just as his cousin was asking if I wanted to get a drink from the bar. I was glad of the timing. Harrison was sweet - confidence and charm were obviously a Taylor family trait - however, he stood a little too close, and his eyes wandered downwards whenever he thought I wasn't looking. 

The feather-light touch of Theo’s hand on my back awoke every cell and once again my world  shifted from black and white into glorious colour . He was in a tux.  _ James Bond eat your heart out. _

After greeting Harrison, he said, “I’m glad you've met my Lara...” 

_ My Lara. _

He said it so casually, so naturally, as though the words had been ready on his lips, waiting his whole life to be spoken. 

I’d never believed in soulmates or fate. Our lives were shaped by the choices we made. Sometimes bad things happen because you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes good things happen because you’re in the right place at the right time. (Like running into a car door on a rainy Friday morning.) Olivia didn't agree with me. She was a firm believer that there was a special person who you were destined to meet, the yin to your yang, your other half or as she said once - the bacon to your eggs. Who would ever have thought the man who found my awkward clumsy shyness, and ability to quote from Pride and Prejudice attractive would come in the form of Theo. Nope, not me. 

Not in a million years.

  
  


Music started playing after dinner.  _ Three Times A Lady. _ The first dance song from Chris and Alison's wedding. Theo put his arm around Chloe when she started crying, watching their parents on the dance floor.

Halfway through Chris pulled up his sister while Alison grabbed a very reluctant nephew.

Theo stood and held out a hand. “May I have the pleasure of this dance Miss Quinn?” 

My heart took flight. Then plummeted through my stomach. “I've never… I don't know how…” My kind of dancing had never involved a partner.

“Good,” he said, one corner of his mouth lifting into that smile I couldn't resist. “It means I get to teach you.” He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, took my hands and led me to the floor.

The pressure of people watching vanished like smoke into the air when Theo guided my one hand around his waist and lifted the other. My cheek to his, I followed his steps. Swaying and floating, gliding and skipping. I laughed as he spun me, then pulled me back.

“Beyond beautiful,” he whispered. 

“Oh, you like my dress then?”

“You took my breath away when you walked in.” His lips grazed my ear as I rested my head against his chest. “So please don't be offended…” I looked up in surprise, but he was still smiling. “Please don't be offended when I tell you that I can’t wait to take it off.”

“Behave you.”

“Hmm, I think it’s a little late for that, don't you?”

Before I could think of anything to say - which would have required restarting my brain - Chloe, Harrison and others joined us on the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then.
> 
> Well then...😉


	33. Chapter 33

#  Day 368 - Saturday Evening

As darkness fell, so did the temperature. Theo’s parents, along with and a handful of others that had stayed late, retreated into the warmth of the house. I stood leaning against the VW bar - parked outside the doors of the barn - regretting my choice of footwear. Strappy heeled sandals. My feet were freezing yet the soles burned. Hell, it felt good to dance again though.

The top few buttons of Theo’s shirt were undone, bow tie hanging loose around his neck. Whoever invented such a bizarre item of clothing? They were only ever attractive when being worn incorrectly. The carefree way it draped over his chest turned it from the  accessory of a stuffy professor into the lure of a hunter.  I wanted to grab hold of it and pull him closer.  _ Ou, maybe later... _

He addressed me in his best Shakespearean English. “Red wine for m’lady.” Goosebumps appeared on my arms as I took a glass from his hand. 

I giggled and took a sip. “Why thank you kind sir.”  
“I confess,” he sighed, “I have ulterior motives.”

“Never!” I took my time kissing him on the cheek.

He chuckled, a rumbling growl, his lions purr. “Lara... That was not what I meant, although… No. Stop distracting me.” He pulled himself away with a grin. “I would like you to remember how kind you think I am, and how much you like me at this moment, because I am about to ask you to do something for me.”

“Oh?”

“Come on, I’ll show you.”

Walking on tiptoes so my heels wouldn't disappear into the ground, I followed him across the lawn and driveway, into the house. My breathing hiked up its speed as I tried to guess what he wanted from me. We entered the living room. It was empty. Voices were coming from a room further on, where I hadn't been yet.

He stopped to open the door. “After you.”

What could he possibly want me to do in front of his parents? I held my breath and stepped forward. Then I knew. In the centre of the smaller sitting room was a baby grand piano. Black and glossy and devine. 

Theo’s breath swept over the back of my neck, his hands on my shoulders. “Would you play something for us?”

I glanced around the room. There were six people dotted around on sofas and armchairs, chatting while drinking. I’d played in front of ten times that. It wasn't the quantity that scared me. Nor playing in front of strangers. But Theo, his parents and family - these were people who I cared about and who I wanted to like me.

“What about that song Sarah mentioned?” Theo coxed, “The one she said you know back to front.” 

Crazy by Patsy Cline.

It was actually Daniel who had brought up that song on our night out. I wondered if Theo deliberately left him out. Anyway, it was one of my favorite songs to play, and the one I was supposed to have played solo at the last gig. 

Theo lowered his arms over my shoulders, gently hugging me from behind. “You want to slap me again don't you? Don't worry, another time.” He smiled and went to sit down.

Cool polished ivory keys called out to me. The difference between playing on a digital piano, to playing on a grand was like tasting an aged fine wine straight from the cellar of a french vineyard, compared to a five quid bottle from a corner shop. 

Nothing felt like the real thing.

I caught his hand. “One song?”

“One. Then I'll stop nagging you.” He grinned.

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

I glanced back to the piano. “Alright.”

Shivers sailed over the surface of my body as I took a seat. Butterflies battered the inside of my chest, drunk from the large gulp of wine that I'd just taken, praying it would calm my trembling fingers. I smoothed my hands over the keys and positioned a foot over the sustain pedal. Thankfully I couldn't see any of the audience behind me. All except for Theo, in the corner of my eye, leant against the wall.

The keys were weighted heavier than I was used to so the first few notes came out feeble and quiet. Two bars in, I hit a low note and as its deep reverberating waves flowed through the air into my body, I felt my cheeks tightening, pulling my mouth into an unconscious smile. Then I astonished myself; I started to sing.

In the second verse, my voice wavered. Bad choice of song. Very bad.

When I first heard it, like most people, I thought that it was a love song. Actually, it was a woman singing about a man who she knew she was going to lose so therefore, she was the crazy one for worrying or for ever thinking she could keep him. 

It was only a matter weeks until Theo would be gone. He would leave me. Carry on with his life.  __ I’d known it from the start. 

I’d let myself forget. 

My eyes flickered over my shoulder. His focus was smouldering, soft, intense.  He told me he was mine for as long as I wanted him. What if I wanted him forever?

I was the crazy one. Crazy for letting myself fall for him. Crazy. Stupid crazy.

In the last line - Crazy for loving him - my eyes started to blur, pools of water covering their surface. I caved, I looked toward Theo. Recognition flashed over his face, then concern, a sharp breath inflating his chest as he straightened off the wall to approach me.

As everyone clapped, a voice at my side made me jump. “That was wonderful Lara.” Alison smiled warmly, all the ice melting from her voice. “Won't you play some more?”

The instinct to run was pulsing through my legs, my knees shook, fighting to get off the chair.  _ Be brave. _ I couldn't run away from her, not when she was finally letting me in. I kept my head down. “Thank you. And I would. But. I’m sorry, I’m so tired now.” It must have been getting on for midnight. I blinked the last of the water from my eyes and looked up, grabbing hold of Theo’s hand which had appeared on my shoulder. “Happy Anniversary and thank you again. If… If you don't mind, I think I need to go to bed.” 

Theo practically picked me up off the chair, the look in his eyes saying, ‘it’s ok, I’ve got you.’ But now even that - the connection, the closeness, the way we could communicate without words - scared me.

I pulled away from him and ran all the way to my room. I went for the handle.

“Wait.” The ragged trepidation in Theo’s voice brought me to a standstill. “Lara…” It softened into velvet. “You’re not crazy.”

My heart lodged in my throat.

Walking along the long dimly lit corridor, his tall body pushed away the shadows until he was close enough for me to hear him whisper, “You’re not crazy.” He swept a hand over my face. I wanted to fall into it, curl myself around him, inside him. “You're not crazy Lara, I lo--”

In the air between us, I could feel the words he was about to say. They were the same words that filled my own body;  _ I love you.  _

I couldn’t bear to hear him say them, and in that second I hated myself because six letters divided and broke those perfect words apart.

Daniel.

Only one man had ever said those words to me before. I’d clung onto them like a lifeline, like a miracle that could save me. Deep down, I hadn't let them go. Tumbling further and further, I looked into Theo’s eyes. Digging, searching for a slither of doubt. There was none. Unlike Daniel, if Theo told me he loved me, he would mean it.

But it still wouldn’t change the fact he was leaving me.

I pulled his body to mine and kissed him with all of the desperation I'd felt when taking my last breath. I needed him the way colour needed light. The way tides needed the moon. The way humans needed air - One would not exist without the other. 

Losing him was going to leave me broken and damaged, more than ever before. 

I frantically grasped his hair, neck, collar, making his breaths come quicker and deeper over my skin. I didn't want delicacy anymore. He felt it. Hands tight around my thighs, he lifted me off the ground, my legs wrapping around his waist while he found the handle to my room and carried me through.

  
  


###  _ Like You Mean It - Ruelle _

  
  


###  _ *** THEO *** _

Theo had played the scene in a hundred films, in a hundred ways, from a hundred different time periods, but falling in love with Lara was nothing like in the movies. Or in anything that he could have imagined.

If you were to ask him  _ when _ he fell for her then he couldn’t tell you -  it crept up on him slowly and silently like a tide rising on the shore  \- but if you were to ask when he  _ realised _ it, then he would probably tell you of the first time she visited his family. And of when she sat at the piano, light drawing shadows from her long eyelashes over her face, the blush on her cheeks, her voice singing through his skin, flesh, bone and into his soul.

He fell in love with her note by note until the melody became his oxygen. Until her rhythm became the beat of his heart. 

She was the only music he ever wanted to hear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like You Mean It - Ruelle
> 
> I was a stranger to myself  
> A flicker, a memory  
> I was a fragment, an empty shell  
> 'Til you got a hold of me  
> Stretch it over me  
> The sky of your reflection  
> It's the wild I need tonight  
> -
> 
> Crazy - Pastsy Cline
> 
> I knew, you'd love me as long as you wanted...  
> Oh I'm crazy for tryin,  
> crazy for cryin,  
> and I'm crazy for lovin you.


	34. Chapter 34

# Day 384 - Monday

Theo stood in front of the bookshelves which lined the wall opposite my bed, head tilted to the side to read the spines, hair still wet from the shower. 

Over the past few weeks - since the weekend with his family - he barely went to his caravan other than to pick up clothes or new script pages. We had slipped into a life together, working, meeting up for lunches, cooking dinners, visiting the band for practice. Even my parents now knew I was seeing someone, although they hadn’t - much to their annoyance - met up yet. 

“Have you read all of these?” He asked, looking through the top shelf which for me, would have required standing on the end of the bed to reach.

Swivelling on my dressing table stool to watch him, I answered, “Ninety nine percent.”

“Hmm, Austen, Bronte, King, Orwell, Roth and... _Twilight?_ You have a varied taste.” He gave me a smile and pulled out a book.

“There wasn't much else to do in hospital so I tried everything. Oh, except that.” I pointed to the book in his hands. “That was from GCSE English. I’ve never liked Shakespeare.”

“Have you ever seen any at the theatre?” I shook my head. “Then that’s why. As soon as I have some time off, I will take you to Stratford to see a play.” 

There he was again, planning things in the future. _A future that will never happen_. Would that be before, or after he went back he went back to LA? I looked at the floor, my chest imploding and exploding at the same time. 

Opening the pages to Romeo and Juliette, he sat on the corner of the bed opposite me. _“‘_ _My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.’”_ Rumbling vowels glided through the air and across my skin. He knew the words off by heart, he only looked at the page once. “Lara, I--” 

I leant forward and kissed him softly to stop him from saying anymore. He didn't kiss me back and when I pulled away he stayed silent, watching me while I finished curling my hair. 

“Ok,” I said, “I have to get going.”

“You still love him don’t you?” He whispered. So quiet, I almost didn’t hear. My hands froze on my half tied up shoe. “Is that why you never let me say it?”

He’d noticed how I stopped him every time. Of course he had. He noticed everything like that, he heard the unspoken words, saw the buried feelings. It was one of the things I loved about him.

“Daniel?” I shook my head. “No.”

“The fact you knew who I was talking about suggests otherwise.” His head dropped into his hand. “You call his name sometimes. In your sleep.”

“No. Theo, no, I… That’s only because he was there.” 

“And he will always be there, wont he?”

I tried to take his hand but he tucked them into his pockets. “Theo please. I can’t explain, it’s not like that.” I turned away. “I can't talk about this now.” 

“Lara, you don't talk to me about anything anymore.” 

Every day that passed was another day closer to him leaving. I had been unconsciously preparing myself, building back up the walls like a fortress around my heart. He had noticed that too.

He followed me out of my room. “You promised you wouldn’t run away from me again.”

I stopped at the top of the stairs, steading myself on the handrail. I’d promised him to be honest. That I wouldn’t hide anymore, that I wouldn't run, that I wouldn’t go down without a fight. Yet, there I was - silent, hiding, running, giving in. “You’re leaving soon Theo and I… I can’t do this.” 

The world caved in as I watched my words cut through him. He was going to break my heart, how could he not see that? What did he expect, what more did he want from me? 

I snapped, “When were you going to tell me about going back to work with Yasmin?”

He blinked in surprise. “That’s what this is about? Did Daniel tell you that?” I didn’t respond. He passed a hand over his eyes. “You still think I'm going to disappear. You say you trust me, but you don't. Not really. No one does.”

“Liv’s waiting in the car, please, I really have to go. We can talk later Theo.”

“What’s the use in me talking, when you won’t believe me?”

“I don't… I don't know, please. I’ll see you later. Ok?”

Theo nodded then tried, but failed, to smile as I left.

  
  


Mom opened my front door and waved to me as I stepped out the car. One of her dark curls fell from her bun as she bobbed her head, eagerly calling me over. I wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug, surrounding myself with soft ivory skin and floral perfume. I wanted to cry, to tell her everything, but I didn't want to spoil her happy mood.

“I let myself in sweetie,” she whispered, as quietly as someone could when bursting with excitement. “We haven't seen you for ages! Now I get why. Why didn’t you tell me?” 

I pulled away. “Tell you what?”

“About your Theo being, you know, the actor. Goodness me, he’s even more gorgeous in real life!”

She nodded over her shoulder and sure enough, there was my gorgeous Theo - not for long - sitting on the sofa. _Oh hell._ I hadn’t replied to any of his messages all day. I didn’t know how to. My heart was already breaking. Mom linked my arm and pulled me into the living room. Theo started smiling as she sat back down.

I ducked into the kitchen. “Tea Mom?” Theo followed me. “What happened?” I mumbled, sounding angrier than I meant to be. 

This was not how I wanted them to meet. Then it occurred to me; I’d been putting it off because I knew how much my Mom would love Theo too. I didn't want her to be hurt again either.

Theo whispered back, “Well, you wouldn't answer your phone so I came to talk, like you said.” Low, growling, but still with a perfect smile on his face for Moms benefit. “Your mother answered the door when I got here. Where have _you_ been?” 

Cups clanged onto the surface thanks to my shaking hands. “I went for a walk.” I’d been wandering around the town after work, trying to focus my spinning brain.

He tried to help by offering to carry Mom's tea, I stubbornly ignored him. His hands went to his pockets. _What the hell am I doing?_ He wasn't the one I was angry with.

“I’ll leave you two to catch up then.” Theo grinned, too much, eyes wide, voice a pitch higher. “It was a pleasure to meet you Mrs Quinn.” 

I hadn't noticed on my way in that his bag was already by the front door. Packed. He picked it up.

_No, no._ “No! Theo please, don't go. We can talk.”

He kissed me. Slowly, gently at first, building and deepening until he was gripping on for his dear life, then, in a split second he let go and took a step away. “There's something for you on the bed.”

“Theo…” A hot tear dropped onto my cheek.

“Goodnight Lara.”

  
  


On my bed was a small black velvet box. My bones turned to heavy, solid steel. It looked like a ring box. When I opened it, I let out my breath. 

Inside was a shell, a large perfect white spiral, shining like a pearl. Wrapped around the shell was a gold chain, finer than anything I’d ever seen. I lifted it carefully, afraid of breaking the tiny delicate links in my clumsy fingers. Hanging from the chain was a pendant in the shape of a flame. Underneath the box was a letter:

\---  
  


Lara, 

I was planning on giving you this necklace in celebration of some news… but I want you to have it now. Anyway, I’m usually the one reading lines, not writing them. So although I may not have a life soundtrack, over the last few months I have been making a playlist for you... For us.

_Chasing Cars - Snowpatrol_

(Because it's ironic if you think about how we met, but also great lyrics.)

_Falling Like The Stars - James Arthur_

(Because I need you to know, I'm not afraid to tell you those three words…)

_Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins_

(Because that's what I thought every time you smiled at me - and you know which smile I’m on about.)

_Grow As We Go - Ben Platt_

(Because despite the highs and lows, we did grow, together.)

_You are in Love - Taylor Swift_

(Because 1. I knew you would never listen to a playlist that didn’t include at least one Swift song and 2. Because I could hear it, feel it, see it. Couldn't you?)

_Turning Page - Sleeping At Last_

(Because of, well, Every Single Line… just listen to the lyrics, you’ll see.)  
  


I went to work this morning, trying _not_ to think about you. All day, I told myself _not_ to think about you. I went for a walk, still trying _not_ to think about you. Then I saw this shell, and I remembered the day we met as clearly as if it were yesterday (you picked them out from the sand and talked of saving them in jars so you could open the lid and smell the sea) and I realized something. I cannot, I will not, and I do not _want_ to stop thinking about you. Because you see, my Lara, my beyond beautiful Miss Quinn - I was falling for you even then. 

And no, I don't know what comes next, whether you've changed your mind or whether you will ever truly trust that I am yours. I hope that you can, and that you will.

I do know one thing - You are the fire that burns in my heart, and I am in love with you. 

For as long as you want me.

Theo xxx

  
\---  
  


Straight away, I looked up every song. I would never be able to listen to any of them ever again without crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Theo... :-( 
> 
> Ok... so Lara has one final hurdle to climb.  
> Which way will she go? Hide behind her walls, or take a chance?
> 
> (2 more chapters to come... plus an epilogue I think)


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter coming up...

#  Day 386 - Wednesday

When Andrew heard my old standard reply of, ‘Fine. Same old,’ his face stumbled and lost it’s smile.  _ Congratulations, you’ve even broken Andrew.  _ He went to ask another question but I stood and walked out the hall. I shouldn't have come. A hollow and empty hunger had taken over my body only the thought of food made me feel sick.

Light footsteps followed me outside. 

I slowed down. “Jenny I’m fine, I just don't want to talk about it.”

She caught up to walk alongside me. “Then we won't talk about it love. I just wanted to check your still coming Saturday?”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” I leaned onto the side of my car, oblivious to the drizzle slowly soaking into my hair. No matter how much I wished I could go into hibernation, I wouldn't miss the celebration. Jenny, and DAYS, deserved it.

“Would you mind giving me a lift home sweetheart?”

“Sure.” I unlocked the doors and walked to the drivers side. “What about the meeting?”

“I’m sure Andrew can cope without me for one night.”

It wasn't until we pulled onto the main road I thought, “Has something happened to your car?”

“Nothing sweetheart. Car’s fine. It’s me that's broken down.” I caught a glimpse of her in the wing mirror, twirling hair around her fingers. “It’s my eyesight. They said I’m not allowed to drive anymore.”

“Oh, Jen I’m sorry. If you need anything, you know where I am.”

“I know love. But I’ll be putting my bus pass to good use from now on.” Her smile came back. “Did you know I can go right across the country on this thing? For free!”

We stopped at traffic lights. Her eyes were tired, staring out of the window, unfocused. Mind elsewhere. She loved her car. It was a vintage Beetle that her late husband had restored. His pride and joy. Her freedom. I gave her hand a quick squeeze.

“Ah well, there we are.” A quick shake of her shoulders snapped her back to the present. “Life has a way of throwing things at us doesn’t it love?” 

I nodded. We drove the rest of the way in silence.

  
  


The Beetle sat on Jenny’s drive, gleaming and pristine. It put my poor car to shame, even though it was ten times its age. 

Tapping silver nails on the door handle as we stopped, she pursed her lips. “Will Theo be coming on Saturday?”

“No.” A sharp pain ran through my chest. There was a gaping Theo shaped hole in my life. How was I supposed to even start picking up the pieces of my heart when they all belonged to him.

“Shame.” She let go of a heavy sigh. “Lovely young man.” When I didn’t respond, she pointed to her car. “I suppose I should sell her now.”

My head shot up. “You don't have to do that, surely?”

“Cars are designed for driving love.”

“But... but you love that car? You have a garage?”

“Yes, where she would rust and be no good to anyone.” 

I looked helplessly at the shiny red Beetle. Jenny should have been the one crying, not me. Why the hell was I crying again?

“No,” she said, “It's time for her to go and make new memories, and to make someone else happy. We can’t hold on to the past love.” Her hand settled on my shoulder. “You know, after my Day Zero, I spent years thinking I could pretend it never happened. I fought against everything kicking and screaming, but the only person I hurt was me. I was stuck. It took me a long time to realise, you can't walk forward if you're holding onto something behind you.”

After a minute, I dried my eyes. “How do you do that?” 

“Walk forward?”

“No,” I exhaled, half laughing, half still crying. “How do you talk about things without talking about them?”

She grinned. “Shuuuush. It’s my superpower.”

  
  


Life really does throw things at us. Sometimes violently, in the form of a cold knife in your back, or a lie that breaks your heart. Other times in the form of a kind word, a good friend, or even a man knocking you over in a car park. 

I needed to stop listening to my fears, to stop clinging to what I had already lost - there were so many I had gained, so many things still worth fighting for.

  
  


###  _ Fear of Letting Go - Ruelle _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was only a little one but I will try and post the ending asap.   
> Still making some tweaks here and there...


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is. The final chapter. (Plus there's a little Epilogue coming up next.)
> 
> I'm surprised about how emotional I am with actually sharing this with you!  
> I really really hope you like it ❤

#  Day 389 - Saturday

Jenny and Andrew handed over the last DAYS certificate to Stuart, setting off another burst of applause and flashes of cameras. The crowd began drifting away from the temporary stage, back towards the buffet tables which had been set up underneath gazebos on the school sports field.

Dad put an arm across my shoulders and squeezed, almost pulling me over onto our picnic blanket. “I’m so proud of you sweetie.”

“Thanks Dad.” I tried to smile. Even my well practised mask wouldn't quite work anymore.

My own certificate and bunch of flowers sat by my side, the lines under my name read:  **Thank you for your achievement and continued support for DAYS. Without your courage and generosity we would not be here.**

Courage? Ha! I didn't deserve it.

I still hadn't spoken to Theo. Every time I thought of him my body crumbled like I was being stabbed all over again. This time, from the inside.  Why was it that whenever you felt so much, you felt nothing at all? And whenever you had so much you wanted to say, no words existed? 

Greg joined us on the blanket, a mountain of food on his plate. Olivia sat beside him, rolling her eyes.

“What?” He spluttered through a mouthful of cheesy Wotsits. “I’m hungry.” 

She slapped him hard on the shoulder. “Eugh you're so gross.”

Greg looked to Sarah who merely raised an eyebrow. “Don't look at me, I’m not going to defend you.” At which, Olivia carried on winding him up and stealing his food.

_ I wish Theo were here.  _ He would have had his arm around me, doing that rumbling little chuckle. I’d lost count of the amount of times I’d gone to call him about random things - like finding a hedgehog in my garden last night - and had to remind myself that I couldn’t. I missed him so much.

Olivia fell silent, a finger still poking into Greg’s chest, glaring over his shoulder with widening eyes. “What’s  _ he _ doing here?”  My hand clamped around a clump of grass, ripping it clean out of the ground as we all turned to look.  “Did you invite him?” Her fine eyebrows bunched in the centre of her face creating little creases across her head.

“No.” I most definitely did not. “Stay here, I’ll sort it.”  He should never have been Olivia’s problem. 

As I approached, he folded his arms across his slim t-shirt, showing off his gym muscles. It always surprised me how different he looked in casual clothes, he very rarely wore anything other than a suit. His business was his life after all. 

And probably the only thing he really cared about.

“What the hell are you doing here Daniel?”

“Aye Quinn, that's not a nice way to greet your biggest sponsor.”

Of course. Andrew had sent email invitations to everyone who had made a donation. I took a deep breath. “You're right. Thankyou for your support. But this is a long way to com--”

“I fired Peter.” 

Shock thumped me in the chest, physically pushing me back a step. That was when I realised, I still had a fist full of grass. “Peter? But, why?”

Daniel shrugged. “He was slow, always had to do things his way.” 

Peter had been hired by the partner before me, and he’d been with the company for longer than Daniel. I knew they clashed, but he was damn good at his job. “He had more experience than you. That’s not fair. You can't fire people because you don't want to listen to them. You should have spoken to me about this.”

“I knew you would say no, then I would say yes, and I get the final say so…” He lifted his hands, using them to weigh up the argument. “If it makes you feel any better, I told him you didn't agree. Anyway, that’s why I’m here. I need you to come back to the London office and take over. I’m shutting this one down.”

Mini fireworks erupted in my mind, eyes, along my fingers. “I’m not coming back to London. You can’t just do this Daniel!”

He took a step towards me, widening his eyes, a hand finding my arm. “Qui… Lara, it’s been over a year, we both knew you’d come back to me eventually.”

Oh, we _knew_ , did we?  Theo was right; Daniel saw me as his, ‘ _not a case of if, but when.’_ Hell no. Not this time. Gone were the days when I would go running back to his smile after he shouted, undermined, belittled or disrespected me.

I fought a knife wielding killer and survived. I would stand up against far worse for the people I love.

I met his eyes, focusing my rage into my voice. “So you  _ did  _ remember then?”

“Remember what?” He lifted his eyes upward, annoyed by my questions wasting his time.

“That it’s been over a year. You never even called. Just another day for you right?”

“Fine,” he sighed, “I’m sorry, I should have called.” Then slid his hand up my arm to my shoulder, then my neck. 

I remembered how much I used to want his touch, how it made me feel. Only a few months ago, I probably would have believed him, taken his hand and given in, convinced myself that this gentle side was the real him. 

I had it all backwards.

Daniels' apologies were tokens and bribes to keep me appeased. His love was given as a way of keeping me on his side.

“For God’s sake Quinn don’t argue, you're coming back.” His hand tightened on my shoulder, the act slipping once and for all. “You owe me.”

_ Don't even go there. _

I grinned at the sky, fists clenched tighter. “Two years I spent following you around, doing everything you asked, trying to impress you, trying to get closer to you. Two years I…”  _ I will not cry. _ “For two years, I loved you Daniel.”

I laughed. Ha! I actually laughed. Mostly at myself. I released my fists, letting go of the grass, wiping my hands, and watching it blow away.  I didn't love him. I loved a memory, nothing more. A rose tinted memory of all the fun times I’d had with the man who saved my life.

“There was a time I would have done anything for you Daniel. You were the first man I ever loved, you will always be the man who got me through my Day Zero.” Because of that, there would probably always be a part of me that felt indebted, connected and tied to him. “Which is why I’m not doing this anymore.” I held a hand to his cheek. This would be my last ever thanks. My last goodbye. 

“Lara, please, what are you talking about? I’m sorry, I need you.” His voice broke as tears welled in his eyes.

We really were all damaged. It wasn’t the damage that defined us; It was the way we dealt with it. Would we allow it to make us distant, hard, selfish. Or would it make us even more determined to change, to show kindness, empathy and love.

With a deep breath I let go of the last of my anger. 

I let go of him. 

“If you ever cared about me Dan--”

“Of course I did, I do--”

I held up a hand to stop him. “Then, there's a lady over there called Jenny. Go and talk to her. Tell her everything about your past and what we went through. Let her help you to be happy. Oh, and I will pay you back every penny for the work on my house, because other than that - I don't owe you a thing anymore.” I smiled. “I quit.”

As I walked away, I didn’t look back. I’d done enough of that. 

  
  


Olivia grabbed my hands as soon as I got to the blanket. “What happened, are you ok?” 

“Doesn’t Daniel want to join us?” Dad asked.

“He won't be joining us,” I answered. “I quit.”

Mom dug her fork into dad’s knee and shot him a warning look when he tried to ask why. Olivia was grinning. It was catching. 

I started to laugh again when she hugged me, until all of the air and blood abruptly disappeared from my body. “Oh no no no, what have I done?”

“No Larlar, don't you dare go back.”

“Not him… Liv I need to borrow your car.”

She hesitantly handed me the keys from her pocket, then something clicked in the depths of her wide eyes and her smile grew again, winding up her lips, stretching across her face. It was like watching a flower bloom in slow motion.

“Be brave!” She sang out as I took off across the field.

  
  


###  _ Revolution - The Score _

  
  


Thirty miles an hour was painful. I bounced in my seat, as if that would make the car go quicker.  _ Calm down.  _ A few more minutes wouldn't make any difference. Every second became a countdown, running out of time before my heart exploded. The town eventually faded into green hills as I reached the main road to the beach, outlines of sheep turning into white fuzzy blurs as I put my foot down. 

The gate of the caravan site was locked. It wasn't going to stop me. Jumping out the car, I climbed over, ignoring the needles that ran through my back as I swung my leg over the top then ran for the caravan under the oak tree. The tree that reminded me of Theo, and of when he first kissed me. That feeling of being perfectly secure but completely free.

Hot metal, baked by the sun, stung my knuckles as I knocked on the door. _ Please oh please be here. _

“Lara?” He opened it slowly, brows pulling in when he saw my breathless, and probably very red, face. “What happened? Are you ok?” He carefully reached out a hand toward my arm. 

His concern gave me hope. He had opened his heart and I had pushed him away, then ignored him. He should have been angry, he shouldn't have wanted to talk to me, but there he stood - gentle and strong, insecure and kind, imperfect and perfect - worrying about me. 

I loved him so much.

Taking a step back to bend over, I pushed both hands into my thighs. Theo moved forward to help, I lifted my palm towards him. “I’m ok, it’s fine, just, argh one minute,” I panted. “I need to tell you something.”

Eyes flicking from me to the floor, he stopped, arms hugged across his chest.

Right. This was it. My last chance.  _ Be brave, be honest, make it count. _ “Theo, I didn't come here expecting you to forgive me but I need to say how sorry I am. You deserve that much at the very least. It wasn’t your fault, it was all me, I did everything I promised you I wouldn’t.” 

My hands were gesturing all over the place. My body was going into hyperdrive with him so close. “I've been trying to think of what to say, and how to say it ever since you left. Going over every book and every line of every song I know, but a  _ ‘Million Love Songs Later’ _ and I still haven't got a clue. And yes.” I rolled my eyes. “I know, stupidly that that is actually a song…”

Had I imagined that glimmer of a smile? I wasn’t sure, he was still looking away. I could tell he was listening though, and thinking - his lips were pouted. Ridiculously adorable.

“I've been holding on to the past Theo because I was scared of losing who I was. I never used to be scared, or shy, or angry or panic. I thought I could make myself go back to normal. My stubbornness stopped me from seeing that actually, I don't  _ want _ to go back.”

With a few tiny steps, I edged closer. His head turned, just a fraction. “I know I’m going to be stuck with these faults for a long time but I would rather have them and be here, with you, than go back to the old me, without you.”  A glance my way, arms softening.  _ Please look at me. _ I was running out of words.  “I quit my job!” 

“What?” Another glance. “You love your job.”

“Not the way or as much as I love you Theo.” Finally his beautiful eyes found mine. I nearly collapsed to the floor. “As of about half an hour ago, I am officially unemployed. Oh and…” My nerves faltered. I looked at the floor, bit my lip. “And I won’t be getting a good reference.” 

“Then that makes two of us.”

_ Huh? _ He was still looking at me, properly now, the way he always did, searching, reading. Like I was the only thing worth looking at.

He pressed a hand to his mouth then explained, “I got a confirmation letter a few days ago that I’m being released from the contract to film the sequel with Yasmin. Plus, I filed an official complaint against her. She won't be talking about me again.”

Something was melting inside my chest. The ground was shaking beneath me. I pressed one hand to my heart as I gasped for air.

Theo came closer. Close enough to smell the familiar earth, sun, spices,  _ him.  _ Holding my shoulders to support me, he too sounded out of breath. “That was the news I was waiting for to give you with the necklace.” Gently lifting my chin, he cupped my face. “I love you Lara. I shouldn’t have walked out like I did but I… I needed you to believe me, not because I could prove I was staying with a piece of paper but because you trusted me.” 

I gripped his waist and looked into eyes that had only ever told me the truth. “I know. And I do.”

“I don’t want to go back either.” He pulled me closer. “You are my future. In fact Miss Quinn, you are my  _ ‘Wildest Dreams.’ _ ” An eyebrow lifted. Damn, I’d missed that smile. “That  _ was _ the song the day we met, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” I could barely speak through all the shaky tears and butterflies and fire and electricity. “But you knew that all along, didn’t you?” He nodded. “Well then, Mr Taylor, maybe it was that bump on the head after all but, I’ve been falling in love with you ever since.”

His hands were in my hair, breath purring in my ear. “Hmm. I did hit you pretty hard.”

“Oh... you certainly did. Head over heels.”

Then, as my lips found his, he started to laugh.

_ My laugh. _

  
  


###  _ Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue next >>>


	37. Chapter 37

# Day One Thousand and… Something.

The reason I started writing a journal - as Jenny suggested - was as a form of therapy, a way of expressing the things I would never say. Writing down your thoughts and fears is a way of confining them. They lose their power over you, morphing from dark heavy clouds that blacken your mind into tangible lines and curves of ink on a page. Once captured onto that page, you choose what to do with them. You can face them whenever you’re ready by reading, analysing and pulling them apart. If you want to, you can scribble them out or correct them. You can even rip the page out, burn it and delete it from existence.

As time passed after Day Zero - and after meeting Theo - that reason for writing disappeared. I no longer wanted to erase or fix my thoughts, feelings and memories; I wanted to preserve them.

Sometimes people ask me, ‘how do you cope after what happened to you?’ I've tried to answer it in many different ways but ultimately, the simple answer is - You just do. I suppose it's similar to how anyone copes with heartbreak or even grief. You just get up in the morning and survive another day. After a while, sometimes without realising it, you stop surviving and start living again. 

Surviving is instinctive. 

Living takes courage.

I no longer measure out my life as before and after zero. There's no ‘old me’ or ‘new me.’ I used to be a ball of clay, now I've been formed into a square, a triangle, whatever - it doesn't matter! I wasn’t broken or damaged beyond repair. I was different. But I was still me. Sometimes we can mend on our own, other times we need a bit of help. (And admitting you need help doesn't make you weak.)

There are days when we have to forgive each other, push each other, pick each other up and remind ourselves of who we’re trying to be. But that’s ok. Love is not blind. Love is seeing someone with all of their ups and downs, mistakes and victories, good and bad, but continuing to love them anyway. Despite all of those things. 

_Because_ of all those things.

Theo has just noticed his name in the paragraph above. He thinks I haven't heard him, hovering a few steps behind my shoulder while I’m sitting at our kitchen table, pretending not to be reading what I’ve written about him.

I can see you love. I will always see you. 

(And thank you for sharing your memories of our story too.)

I know that I’ll always be ok, you've got me. I trust you. Because we are brave, we are honest. 

We will make every day count.

###  _Lover - Taylor Swift_

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo so... yeah.  
> That just happened!  
> Thankyou all soooo so much for reading and your amazing comments ❤
> 
> Like Jane Austen, I like to think of the characters living on beyond the book... A happy ever after is really just the beginning of another story.
> 
> Maybe Daniel spoke to Jenny, maybe he didn't. I hope he did.
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts, or any questions.  
> Plus now this is done (for now, as I would love to publish it) I can concentrate on my Saving Sanditon Fanfic! Woohoo! 
> 
> Don't forget, you can say hi and follow my writing on Instagram @byellejayce and Twitter @byellejayce
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Elle xxx


	38. ALL OUR DAYS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little preview...

# All Our Days by Elle Jayce.  
Coming soon in 2021

  
  
  


# Preface.

Do you ever wonder what happens after a happy ending? I do. All the time. Each time I see the line, ‘The End’ or hear the director call the final ‘Cut.’ Although I suppose, as an actor, I’ve had a role in more happy endings than most.

To me, the happy ending is simply the beginning of another chapter. A sequel. _But,_ I hear you all say, _the exciting part is over!_ And ok, I can see your point; The romantic meet-cute is in the past, all the tentative firsts have long gone, there’s no more dramatic angst, surprise plot twists or secrets to reveal. All that's left is, well… normal life.

Normal life is always made out to be boring. As if settling down, finding a house, work, cooking, washing the dishes are all things to be ashamed of or looked down on? And - if you want to get really philosophical - who gets to say what ‘normal’ is? I’d sure like to meet the guy.

Call me strange, but normal life is the adventure I’ve been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been missing Lara and Theo and so, I started to jot down some ideas for their next chapter...
> 
> What parts of their life would you like to see?


End file.
